Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  “You will once I tell it.”

  “Do you trust me?”

  No.

  That’s a lie.

  Somewhere deep down I do.

  I nodded.

  “Tell me something,” Logan said. “Anything.”

  I closed my eyes and racked my brain for the most horrific memory. There are so many. But one will get him to leave me alone. This one will make him hate me and toss me to the side.

  “I thought I was pregnant,” I said shaking the images out of my head as I opened my eyes and found him staring back at me, not judging, not disappointed. “I tried to kill myself because I thought I was carrying the child of someone who planned on murdering my best friend.” And knowing that I would bring life into this world terrified me. My best friend died that night. I was not going to have a reminder. And I didn’t want to live, period.

  I was going to kill an unborn child. I thought I did. The stick said I was pregnant. I was one of the lucky ones who got a false positive.

  His hand loosened on my neck as he pulled back to look at me.

  “I thought I killed–”

  Someone pounded on Logan’s door.

  “Ignore them. Keep going,” he said softly.

  The knocking wouldn’t stop so I gave up. I wiped my eyes and told him to get it. I sat back on his bed when he walked over to the door.

  “You made a deal with her fa–”

  Is that Victor? I glanced at Logan’s back and managed to tilt my head in the right angle to see Victor standing outside. And he doesn’t look happy.

  Logan said something too low for me to hear so I turned my head away and grabbed my phone. I texted Jacky telling her I’m fine and for her not to worry. She should worry though. Because I’m still worried.

  “I’ll be right back,” Logan said glancing at me over his shoulder. I barely had time to nod before he was out the door and it clicked shut.

  Okay…

  I kicked off my flats and fell back onto the bed.

  Why is this happening? How can I think about killing myself and then have the thought plucked from my mind just by having Logan say a few words.

  Because you want to be loved and he said he’s falling in love with you.

  The feeling is mutual. I can’t get him out of my head and I don’t want to. I don’t want to stop looking at him, talking to him, listening to him.

  I want to live.

  Call me an idiot because it’s over a guy but at least it’s something. I trust him enough to tell my story. He said he won’t judge me. And I believe him.

  I turned on my side and grabbed his pillow. I’m crazy so breathing in his scent is not that bad. I closed my eyes and let his delicious scent fill my lungs. If I could stay like this forever, I’d like it. I’m actually smiling.

  I’d pause this moment and live in it.

  ***

  I felt a hand fall onto my stomach. My eyes jerked open and it took me awhile to let my eyes adjust in the dark. Where am I? Last I remember I was in Logan’s bed breathing in his scent. Oh, I must have fallen asleep. Shit. And he just let me sleep?

  I turned on my side and backed up into a raging hard-on. “Logan?” I whispered, stiffening. He groaned and pressed into me even more. Oh, god that feels good. I closed my eyes and backed up into him even more. God! “Logan,” I moaned.

  “Hm?” he mumbled.

  “Are you awake?” Say yes. Say yes. Please, say yes.

  He mumbled something that sounded like a yes so I sprang into action. My hand slipped behind me and ran down his chest. I found the waistband of his sweats and pulled them down.

  When I grabbed him, his hand gripped my hip and I smiled. “I’m up,” he said, sleep in his voice.

  “Then why am I still in this dress?”

  His hand slipped down my side, onto my thigh then he went back up, bringing my dress with him. When my dress was over my ass, he stopped moving. And I waited.

  “What are you doing?” I asked when he didn’t resume touching me. “Did you fall asleep?” I glanced over my shoulder but it’s too dark to see anything. “Logan?” I stopped stroking him. What the fuck? I turned around and let my fingers find his face. His eyes are open. “Why aren’t you talking?”

  “We shouldn’t…” he said, unsure.

  Because you’re trashy.

  “Um, yeah. Right. Sorry,” I said pulling my dress back down. This is embarrassing. “Is this because what I told you?” I asked softly.

  Logan didn’t say anything so that made the wheels in my head spring to action. He’s disgusted with me probably. Dammit. I thought this would be okay.

  “I should go,” I said. Logan grabbed my hand and sat up. I waited for him to say something but he didn’t. “If you don’t want to have sex just say it. Don’t make me think it has something to do with me.” Because it always does…

  “I want to have sex with you, it’s just–”

  “Don’t think about it then,” I said pushing him back down on the bed. “If you want to do it, do it.”

  His hand slipped to my back and he unzipped me slowly. I know he’s looking at me but I can’t see him so I don’t know what he’s thinking. I never do anyways.

  I reached for a condom near the window and climbed on top of him. “This is the first time I spent the night,” I said. “But it’s still early so–”

  “Don’t leave,” Logan said sliding his fingers down my body until they settled on my thighs. It was the way he said it that got my heart racing faster than it already is. It’s like he’s begging me to stay. Like I’d go somewhere.

  Where would I go?

  I like where I am right now.

  - 15 -

  The Christmas music that Aimee and Alyssa constantly sing around me is driving me insane. Christmas is only a week away and I’m already dreading it. The songs, the cheerfulness and the reminder that my birthday lies on that day are the three main reasons why.

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that everyone is happy but come on, it’s strange, people aren’t this happy. Who sings Jingle All the Way every time they walk through a door with jingle bells? And I have the very unfortunate pleasure of having to be around whenever we get food at IV’s dining’s hall. There are jingle bells hanging on the door so the girls are constantly singing.

  I went outside for a breather before I get stuck with the songs again. I would say that I want to shoot myself from all the cheerfulness but someone might take it the wrong way and I could possibly end up in a stray jacket. Everyone walks on eggshells with me.

  “Hey…um…sorry to bother you but–”

  I twirled around and scared the poor chick standing behind me. Holy fucking shit, who pops up behind someone and touches their shoulder. Like, no. Just no. Never come up from behind unless you want to get punched.

  “Sorry,” she said, her bright blue eyes widening.

  Oh. My. God.

  I know this chick. I mean, I don’t know her but I’ve heard of her. Everyone has. She’s all over the news about an attempted rape that happened on campus a few months ago during the summer. Alyssa insisted I catch up on the popular trends and let me tell you, Emily and Alex Payne are fucking trending. I tend to block them out whenever their names are brought up because who wants to hear stories of their lives? Sure, they are super loaded, she’s a song-writer and used to be a model for her friends’ clothing line, and her husband is some rich asshole who is only twenty-two. They’re fucking human. They eat what we eat. They are just like us. What’s the big deal?

  Do people talk about me? Uh…don’t answer that. That was a rhetorical question. Nobody wants their business out there for people to see. So I ignore them. Like regular humans do to everyone they see on the street.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, tightening my jacket around me as the cold wind hit me.

  “It’s my fault. I thought you saw me standing there like a creeper. I just…um, I saw your tattoo…on your neck,” Emily said, her dark hair whipping around her face. “Uh…I ac
tually didn’t plan on talking. This is awkward.”

  I laughed. And then she laughed.

  “Do you have any?” I asked. I’m trying to make this less awkward. She literally looks like I might shank her.

  Her blues widened in surprise but then she recovered and smiled shyly. “I do. A few actually.” I nodded but she didn’t say anything else. I know she has a lotus flower on her back. Alyssa made me see photos of it. Everyone wants to know what it means but Emily has never mentioned it. And I mean never. People have started a forum to guess it.

  “What does it mean?” she asked, eyeing my neck again.

  I chuckled as I looked down at the sidewalk.

  “It’s kind of private,” I said.

  “Ah, I totally get it!” she said grabbing my arm…then letting her hand fall to her side because she noticed that was weird. “Uh. Okay, this has never happened to me. I think it’s the baby. She’s making me weird. And awkward. I should go.”

  My eyes zeroed in on her stomach. I didn’t notice how round she is because of the black jacket she’s wearing and the box of something in her hands. If I’m following Alyssa’s stalking right, she should be almost eight months pregnant.

  “Congratulations,” I said awkwardly. What the hell am I doing? I should just go back inside. The twins might call the police if I don’t show up soon.

  “Than–”

  “Em,” a guy running up to us called out, stopping beside Emily. His hazel eyes, chestnut colored hair and perfect face is recognizable anywhere. Well, if you follow that shit. “I told you I’d get the muffins.”

  “Ben likes me more so he told me to get them,” she said.

  His eyes took in his wife and I feel like I should walk away because that was so hot, I think my panties might be soaked.

  “Hey.”

  He’s talking to me!

  Run. Abort. Abort now. Leave. Rebeckah, turn around and leave or else you’ll be following this couple on social media. Where the hell are the paparazzi? And their fans? Aren’t famous people supposed to have groupies? I’m pretty sure Alyssa mentioned they try to keep away from all the cameras.

  “Hi…um, I should go. I have people waiting for me,” I said pointing behind me. “And it’s cold. You should probably go some place warm.”

  Alex laughed softly and eyed my neck.

  “Em is probably not moving because she wants to hear the story of your birds.” Emily glanced at him, rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “You’ll freeze to death,” I said.

  “Not if you tell me,” she winked.

  “You’re pregnant,” I stated.

  And just like that, her whole face changed. She frowned, pouted then nodded. I’m going to say a lot of thinking just went on in that head of hers.

  “Right. Sorry for bothering you. Come on, loser. I want to devour these babies,” she said to Alex, while shaking the box in her hands.

  I was completely floored by that. She just called him a loser and he’s beaming. What the fuck? Is that how they talk to each other? Hm, it’s unique. And cute. Usually everyone goes with ‘babe’ or some stupid shit.

  I nodded a goodbye and started to walk away. That was awkward. I’m still confused on what just happened. She popped out of nowhere and started touching me.

  “I really wanted to know,” I heard Emily say to Alex.

  “Baby, you don’t like people knowing your stories,” he said softly, speaking to her like she knows this.

  I glanced at her and saw her head drop a bit as he slipped an arm around her waist. Is she crying? Holy fuck. Did I just piss on her mood?

  God…

  I turned back around and cleared my throat.

  Emily glanced up at me and smiled weakly.

  “I want to be free,” I said. “I want to fly.”

  Both she and Alex stared at me.

  And then Emily shoved the box of muffins into her husband’s chest and she lunged at me. I was not expecting this hug but because she is with child, I didn’t sock her in the face and break her nose.

  “That’s beautiful. I feel that way too,” she said into my neck. “Gah, there’s nothing better than just being free. Normal. Loved.”

  When she pulled away, I had to pick my jaw off the floor. It’s like she read my mind and said the things I want to feel.

  She started taking off her jacket, and both Alex and I started telling her to stop because it’s officially weird. But then she showed me her bicep and pointed at the words tattooed on her skin.

  ‘Don’t forget who you were before everything changed’

  “If you live by this motto, everything becomes easier,” she said. “Trust me. Life gets fucked up and you feel like nothing can save you. But there is. Yourself. You need to believe in yourself.”

  We stared at each other for a bit as she covered herself up again.

  “I never understood why I got that tattoo but I think it was meant to help people.” Alex slipped his hand in hers as she stared at me. I don’t know what it is about her but something seems familiar. Not because she’s famous. It’s something else. Something in her eyes. Maybe the loss? The hurt? The feeling of complete loneliness?

  “Some people go through a lot and they end up feeling worthless,” she said, her voice crawling its way under my skin, wrapping around my heart. “They need to know they are enough. They will always be.” My heart tightened. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. And oddly enough, I think I needed to hear it from a stranger. Because she doesn’t know me. At least, I hope not.

  “Rebeckah!” Alyssa yelled, walking outside.

  I turned a bit and found her waving at me.

  “Hurry, Logan wants you!” Her eyes landed on the people beside me and they widened.

  “Oh shit. I suggest you two leave now. She’s a super stalker,” I said turning to the power couple. “I’m serious. She wants your babies,” I said to Alex.

  Emily’s mouth dropped and she smiled. “I can’t believe you blurted that out while I’m right here,” she said, holding my eyes. “I love it. Now let’s go. I don’t want to see you make baby number two. Unless it’s with me.”

  I’m still in the state of what the fuck. I don’t think I’ve met a couple like this before. I’m in awe. They say weird shit yet they look at each other like nothing else matters. They’re in their own world.

  “Wait! Wait!” Alyssa yelled running past me. I laughed my ass off as I walked back into IV, glancing back, seeing Alyssa hug Alex. She’ll no doubt tell me all about it later. I’m going to think of that exchange of words like strangers talking. Nothing special.

  Logan was walking out when I entered the dining hall.

  “Follow me,” he said slipping his arm around my waist. We walked back out into the main building and then headed outside. Emily and Alex were getting into a black Range Rover when I glanced their way. Alyssa was hyperventilating on the sidewalk nearby.

  Logan and I are now in a relationship and I’m not denying it. He’s my boyfriend. I love saying it. When we’re at school, we don’t see each other that much but we make it up during lunch and breaks in-between classes. When I work, Logan will pass by before it gets too late and spend some time with me then he’ll head back to the dorm and I’ll go home. We do dates on the weekends when my hours at work aren’t super long.

  The only thing we don’t do is talk about my past. I know I was ready to tell him that day of my mom’s funeral but ever since we got interrupted, I couldn’t bring it back up. It never felt like the right time.

  I asked him where he’s taking me but he didn’t say. Instead, he drove over to Cambridge and pulled into a parking lot semi-packed with cars leading to a luxurious apartment building complex. Jesus, this place is fucking amazing. I followed, not understanding what was going on.

  Logan walked us to the elevator and pressed the 10th floor button.

  “Uh…okay. I think you want to have sex with me,” I said glancing at him. “or k
ill me.”

  This place is nice. It’s new and it doesn’t look like a whore house. People actually live here. Nice looking people. Not drug dealers or other trash. This place is expensive. You wouldn’t see drugies walking around.

  “Trust me?” Logan asked.

  I nodded. “I mean, there are easier ways to kill me so I don’t think I have to worry,” I said. “What are we doing here?”

  “It’s a surprise,” he said, winking.

  I looked away from him because those damn blue eyes are going to make me do something in this elevator if he keeps looking at me like that.

  The doors opened and Logan walked out into a hallway.

  I was in shock when he pulled out a key and unlocked the door to an apartment. I glanced at him. He was all smiles.

  We walked in and my mouth hit the floor. I literally can’t explain it. The view inside and out is surreal. Breathtaking.

  “You’re renting this place?” I asked. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Why would he have a key to a place that looks new? There is some furniture in here but it looks like it was never touched.

  “Aimee and I decided to stay local this year because honestly, we lived our entire lives in Maryland so we need to explore. We’re just in the dorms because Aimee was dating Victor and they had plans.”

  I caught his eye and he gave me a panty-dropping smile.

  “We’re heading back for the holidays and since we have this place, which will be empty and lonely, we thought we’d leave it to you. It’s a Christmas present.”

  “What?” I asked. “No. I can’t stay here.”

  “I didn’t get to the best part,” Logan said. “I’m heading home for Christmas and New Year’s. The other days, I want to spend my time away from the dorms where I’ll have some privacy.”

  “With me?”

  “No, I’m actually dating someone else so she’ll come over,” he said giving me a look. “But you can come.” I nudged his shoulder and he grabbed me, pulling me against him. “Yes with you, Rebeckah.”

  Man, all the feelings rushing through me feel great. I feel like I’m being hit by a tidal wave of…I don’t know. Love. Happiness. Hope. I feel so wanted and cared for that this doesn’t seem real.