Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  He wants me to be here with him. Over winter break.

  “Would you like a tour? The place is very nice,” Logan said lacing our fingers together. His thumb drew circles over my skin and I thought back to the night Alice was killed. She drew hearts on my hand. It was our thing. “Rebeckah.”

  “Lead the way,” I said, blinking back to now.

  We walked through the apartment and I can say that I’ve never been so speechless before. The three bedroom apartment is huge and beautiful and…

  “Hey…I didn’t see the third bedroom,” I said turning into Logan.

  “Aka my bedroom.”

  Shit, that just made the inside of my thighs heat up.

  We walked over to his bedroom and I walked around, getting used to everything. “When do you move in?” I asked.

  “Tomorrow after class.”

  “Caleb staying?” I asked.

  Logan laughed and walked into the room. “Aimee said he can have the spare bedroom then they both laughed and said he can sleep with her. I thought it was a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure. My horny sister will be sleeping in a room nearby.”

  “You don’t need to hear that,” I said, crinkling my nose.

  “Nope.”

  I didn’t realize I stopped at the bed until Logan was standing beside me. We glanced at each other and I couldn’t help but blurt out the first thing that came to mind. “Wanna break it in?”

  “And seem like an asshole for bringing you up here, making you skip lunch, only to have sex with you in my new apartment.” Logan’s fingers laced through mine. “I’m not that bad.”

  I smiled. Now seems perfect to tell him.

  I grabbed him and sat him down on the bed. I finally get to be the taller one now. He’s looking up at me for a change.

  I slipped my arms around his neck and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I have to tell you something.” I can’t keep it in any longer. Ever since that day I exploded and he brought me back, I’ve known. And I want him to know.

  “Please don’t let it be bad,” he said with a small smile.

  I slipped my hands to the side of his face as I studied every curve and muscle. I see the dimple. That freaking dimple that makes me want to bite him. Lick him. Anything with him.

  “I know I’m really hard to understand,” I said finding his eyes. “I’m annoying and frustrating and whatever else you might think. I get–”

  “You know I don’t think that,” Logan said wrapping his arms around my waist, playing with the small of my back.

  “I wasn’t done,” I said tapping his lips lightly. “I’m a hard girl to be around but when I’m with you, I don’t feel like that. I feel happy. I feel wanted.” I dropped my eyes to his mouth and forgot what I was saying.

  Happy, wanted, keep going!

  Right.

  “I don’t know how you did it but you broke through, Logan. I go to bed excited, waiting for the next time I’ll see you or hear from you. I really changed and it was a good change. It’s because of you.” I don’t think of hurting myself that much. I just think of him. I found his eyes and smiled. “I’m falling in love with you.” God, that sounded so girly!

  “Finally!” Logan said pulling me onto the bed. My back hit the mattress and he hovered over me. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that? I thought you secretly hated me or something.”

  “I could never hate you,” I said bringing my lips to his. “You’re the reason I’m alive. You always bring me back. You don’t let me fall.”

  “I believe in you and I’ll never stop,” he said, caressing my cheek softly. “I’ll always catch you, Rebeckah. Never doubt that.”

  Our eyes locked and my heart stopped. There is a fire burning inside of me and I know it’s because of Logan. He never puts me down. He wants me to see that I’m worth something. That I’m special.

  “I like this,” I said trailing a finger down the side of his face. “If I could hit pause and live in any moment, I’d choose this one. You make living…easier.” His eyes went to my lips and I smiled. “And fun.” Those blue panty-droppers flicked up and glanced at me. “You make me feel worth it.”

  “Because you are,” he said pressing his lips to mine. “And anyone who thinks differently can go fuck themselves.”

  “Speaking of fucking…” I said tugging on his North Face sweater. “We should fuck each other.”

  Logan’s head dropped on my chest as he laughed.

  “You are something, you know that?” he said looking up at me, nothing but adoration in his eyes.

  “Yeah, someone keeps telling me that,” I said wrapping my legs around him. “And that someone has twenty minutes or I’ll be late for work.”

  “Can’t have that now, can we?” Logan said pulling his sweater and shirt off in under a second.

  ***

  Walking out of The Happy Hour with my tips in my bag, I made my legs walk faster across the street. Dad’s car is parked nearby so the walk to it always has my spidey senses on high alert. And today, they are telling me something isn’t right.

  I stared at my Dad’s car as I unlocked the doors.

  It’s dark out because a street light isn’t working so I don’t know if I see a shadow of a person in the refection of the window. I don’t want to move but standing here is just as bad.

  I opened the door and right when I was going to sit down, something grabbed my arm and pulled me back, slamming me into the car. A large hand wrapped around my mouth, blocking words from escaping. I tried to jerk out of the hands I’m being pinned with but it was pointless. This person is stronger than me.

  When the person’s body pressed into me, I knew it was male. And him roughly grabbing me, told me he wants something. Money most likely.

  I threw my leg back and kicked him hard. I heard a grunt then I shoved him. When I heard him fall onto the pavement, I got in the car, locked the doors, started it and floored the accelerator.

  I didn’t stop until I was far away with my phone in my hand, calling Toby. I told him about what happened and I told him to give Peyton a heads up. There are drunk girls in that bar and they shouldn’t have to worry about some psycho lurking outside waiting to rob them.

  I drove to the police station and reported what happened because I felt like someone should know. After that I went home and I went straight to bed. No one has to know about this.

  Nothing happened.

  I just got done with the sketch artist so I was free to go home. Back to the dorms. Where Alice won’t be. I don’t know how I’ll survive walking into our dorm room and staring at her empty bed. All her stuff. I don’t think I can do it.

  A young officer drove me to the dorm. The car ride was quiet and awkward. What else did I expect? For him to pull over and ask for a blowjob?

  When he dropped me off, I walked up the pathway to the dorms slowly. I’m on autopilot. I can’t do this. Not with Alice not here. She’s gone. And I’m alive. It’s not right.

  I glanced over my shoulder and saw the officer drive away. I know there will be police keeping watch and I don’t want to feel their eyes on me. It’s creepy. And that’s strange because the old me would have enjoyed it.

  I stopped and turned back toward the sidewalk.

  A taxi came by so I gave him the signal and he stopped.

  “Nearest motel, please,” I said.

  We talked during the car ride and I guess he felt bad for me because he said it was free. I thanked him when I got out of the car and walked into the one star motel’s doors.

  I booked a room and headed to it.

  Once the door was closed, I sank to the floor and cried.

  For Alice.

  For me.

  For everything.

  Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I thought I was hearing things so I stopped crying and pressed my ear to the door. There was another knock.

  “Just a minute,” I said standing up and wiping my nose. I opened the door while rambling
because I have a feeling someone complained about the crying. “I won’t break anything. I can’t afford to so you–”

  My eyes widened when I saw them standing outside.

  Jared and Kenneth.

  I opened my mouth to scream but Jared reached out and grabbed me, covering my mouth.

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said walking inside. “Please don’t make me change my mind.”

  The door closed and Kenneth stepped in front of me. His green eyes were blank. Dangerous.

  My heart stopped.

  No sound was made.

  I blacked out.

  ***

  I woke up to someone shaking me.

  Blue lights flashed outside.

  It’s sunny.

  Voices yelled around me.

  I looked around and found a dark skinned officer looking down at me, his hands on my shoulders. They loosened when he saw how confused I was.

  “Are you hurt?” he asked.

  “Uh…no,” I said. Nothing hurts. Maybe just my heart. If it still exists. Then I remembered. “They were here. The guys that–”

  “The police have them,” he said. “They were twenty minutes from here.” I sat up and realized I’m on a bed. Fully clothed. Oh thank god, I thought something happened. “Did they hurt you?”

  “No…I don’t think so.” I fucking hope not!

  The officer asked if he could examine me quickly so I let him. My wrists don’t have any marks and neither does any part of my body. Well the parts that the officer can see at the moment.

  “Come with me,” the officer said.

  We got into his car and headed to the police station. I had to verify that the two men they got were Jared and Kenneth. They were. And they look like shit. Drunk even.

  Why didn’t they kill me?

  Why did they leave me in the motel?

  Toby was at the station when I was done giving my statement of what happened last night. He sat with me for a long time and we talked about Alice. His parents are having the funeral soon. When the case is done being investigated. When the two men who killed her are locked away.

  Why did they leave me at the motel?

  Did they do something?

  That’s what I hate. The not knowing. I don’t know what happened. I blacked out. I wish I didn’t! They killed my best friend and they took my memories last night. They’re slowing ripping me apart and I hate it.

  Jacky called later and told me Kelsey’s in the hospital. She’s going to start having more tests done and she wants me.

  So I left the station and didn’t look back.

  I left Toby behind.

  I left that life behind.

  There’s nothing I can do there.

  I survived.

  And I don’t know why.

  Dad booked me a flight back home and I got on it. Everything at the dorm can stay. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.

  Alice’s parents left a couple of hate filled voicemails for me when I was on the plane. One stuck out and cut my heart into tiny broken pieces.

  I killed her.

  She died of a blocked airway.

  They should have killed me.

  They should have killed me because then I wouldn’t–

  “Becky, wake up!” Matty yelled.

  My eyes snapped open and I pushed him away from me as I started to gasp for air. I fell out of bed, my knees hitting the floor hard but I didn’t care. I can’t breathe. Seeing that–

  Hands pulled me toward a hard chest.

  “Breathe,” Matty said into my ear. “Count to ten.”

  I tried. I got to six and I panicked again.

  “Becky, you can’t push it away. Let it out. Whatever you’re seeing, let it out.”

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten again.

  My breaths came harder.

  This time the images hit me and played like a movie. And I can’t press pause. I have to see it. I have to live it.

  Matty’s home from school today. Junior year just ended. He’s going to be a senior in September. I can’t believe it. And Kelsey. She’ll be a freshman. First she needs to get healthy. She’s going to be okay though. The doctor said the leukemia is curable. They caught it early.

  It’s been two months since Alice has been gone.

  I’ve been on autopilot since. Everyone notices that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t smile. I don’t talk as much. I don’t hang out with them. I didn’t get a new tattoo and that’s a new record. Whenever they see me, we go out and see if I get a new one. I don’t even talk about tattoos anymore. I hide them. I wear sweaters to hide the stories written on my skin. The memories of the old me. Most of them have something of Alice in them. It’s hard to look at them and remember when we laughed about something. It’s hard remembering she’s gone.

  My stomach hurts today. Every time I stand up, I feel like I’m going to pass out. And vomit. I barely eat because nothing settles right. Matty came straight home with Finn today instead of hanging out with the other juniors who will be having a party at some person’s house. They even brought soup.

  I locked myself in my room and ate it.

  Five minutes later, I was puking it all up in the bathroom.

  There was a knock on the door.

  Jacky.

  She walked in with a brown paper bag sticking out of her purse and a sad look in her eyes.

  “I don’t want to ask but I need to know,” she said dropping to her knees, wiping hair off my face. “When you had sex with him, did he wear a condom?” I was confused by the question at first then I remembered. She’s talking about Jared.

  My eyes lowered to the tiled floor as I nodded.

  I never have unprotected sex.

  Somewhere in the back of my mind, Kenneth and Jared popped into my head. I blacked out when they showed up at the motel. But it’s impossible. I was clothed. I didn’t have any marks on my body. I got my period two weeks after Alice died. And…

  I didn’t get my period yet. I usually have problems though.

  “Jacky…” I said looking up at her.

  We both stayed silent as the thought crossed our minds.

  Was I raped?

  “The condom could have broken,” she said, taking a brown paper bag out of her purse along with a pregnancy test.

  The test came back positive.

  Instead of crying and getting angry, I stared at the stupid smiley face on the stick I just peed on. This isn’t a happy moment. I don’t want a fucking smiley face. Who is the fucking idiot who made these tests have smiley faces? Some people don’t want that asshole to show up on the test. They want a ‘fuck!’ or something else that will match the way they feel. I could have been raped and I’m pregnant. That’s not a fucking smiley face moment.

  Dad came home from work and walked into the bathroom without knocking. Jacky and I were paralyzed as his eyes landed on the test in my hand. He shut the door and pulled me into his arms.

  “You have to tell the police,” he said. He thinks it too. How did he just look at me and put it together? Maybe the police told him. Maybe they sent him a copy of the report and Dad read that they came into the motel room and left me there. I wasn’t hurt though. I didn’t want to be in the station longer than I had to so I didn’t get checked. I just wanted to die but I couldn’t because Kelsey needed me. “They’ll get more punishment.” I shook my head the whole time he spoke. “Birdie, they raped you.” Maybe.

  “I don’t care,” I said.

  That’s when both Jacky and Dad stared at me like I was a different person. Who gets raped and doesn’t care? Me. Because I’m not me anymore. I’m just an empty body walking around.

  I threw the test into the trash and walked to my room, locking the door behind me.

  Everyone left an hour later.

  I took a shower.

  I wrote a note.

  I taped it to my door.

  I completely gave up and wanted out.

  I stepped into the sh
ower with a razor in hand.

  I slid it across my wrist and watched the blood seep out.

  That’s when I smiled.

  I’ll finally get what I want.

  And this baby won’t change my mind.

  Then Dad knocked on the door and my smile faded.

  I looked up at Matty and went limp in his arms. My brother held me for the longest time. Not once complaining that I’m too heavy or saying he needs to go to school. We both do.

  We both need to get up but we couldn’t.

  “You were screaming,” Matty said hugging me tighter. “Dad was going to come in but I told him to make sure Kelsey doesn’t hear you.”

  She hates to see me in one of these moods. She doesn’t like to see me lose it. She wants to help but she can’t. I’m the only one who can do this. I have to help myself.

  I need to see a therapist.

  That’s what I need to do first.

  I need help from someone who deals with this on a regular basis. He or she can help me move past this. I need to move past it.

  I need to be Rebeckah again.

  I need to be the Rebeckah I was when Alice was alive. If she were here now and saw me like this, she’d probably slap me and shake me until I was set straight.

  “I love you, Becka. Always,” her voice said to me.

  I smiled and Matty furrowed his brows.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked.

  “I never told you that Alice proposed to me.”

  His jaw dropped. “What?! When was this? I knew you two were lesbian lovers behind closed doors. You just love the penis so you didn’t date each other.”

  I could tell him he’s wrong but he’s not. Alice and I did do things that regular friends don’t do. We were wild and in college. It was bound to happen. Toby even encouraged us to stop seeing men and just be with each other because we were happy together. If I was into that, I would have accepted. Alice did go both ways. I liked to have fun but men are my favorite. I never saw my life with a woman.

  “Tell me the story,” Matty said wiping my eyes. “I don’t give a shit if I’m late for school. It’s the last day before winter break anyways. No one does anything.”