Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  When I was about to tell him, the door opened and Kelsey walked in telling me she can’t be left out. Dad stood in the doorway and smiled at me. He knows this story. Alice called him and asked for my hand in marriage. She was just fucking around but she wanted to have fun. And I think in some way, she was kind of serious.

  I’ll never know.

  She took that secret to the grave.

  “Okay, you were saying…” Kelsey said nudging my side.

  I turned nineteen yesterday so Alice and I went out and got drunk. When we got back to the dorm, things got kind of hot. We had fun. When I woke up with Alice’s naked body pressed against mine, I smiled. She was running a hand up and down my arm. When our eyes locked, she licked her lips and gave me her seductive smile. Her hand dropped to my breast and she started teasing me. God, that feels good.

  “Late Christmas present,” she said slipping her hand down my stomach until she got to the apex of my thighs.

  “We did this last night. On Christmas,” I said, cocking a brow.

  “Yeah but we were drunk. I didn’t get to enjoy it as much I wanted,” she said slipping a finger inside me. I saw her smile widen before I closed my eyes and pressed into her hand.

  “Call your dad for me,” she said.

  My eyes shot open and I propped myself up on my elbow.

  “What? You want me to call my dad right now?” I asked glancing down at her hand getting lost between my legs. “While you do that?”

  Al laughed and starting moving her thumb around me while she slipped in another finger and kept going in and out.

  “Just call him. I have to ask him something.”

  “He’s probably sleeping,” I said. Alice gave me a look so I sighed and reached for my phone. My boob was rewarded with a quick flick of her tongue. I called Dad. He answered with a sleepy, ‘hello.’ Ali took the phone with her free hand and talked to him.

  “Hi, Mr. Lennox. It’s Alice…yeah Becka’s having a good day so far…” She hovered over me and bit my nipple while my eyes widened. I mouthed for her to stop. “I just have a quick question…that’s funny. I see where Becka gets her sense of humor…you’ll find a nice girl…yeah…” I closed my eyes as her fingers started moving faster. “Okay, back to the reason for calling. I wanted to know if you’ll be okay with me marrying your daughter.” My eyes opened and found hers. What? Ali winked at me and put the phone on speaker as she ran her tongue up my chest to my neck.

  “You called me at eight in the morning to ask me if you can marry Rebeckah? Alice, it’s five in the morning where you two are. Go back to sleep,” Dad said annoyed.

  “I just need an answer then we can sleep,” Ali said nudging my legs open wider. “Yes or no?”

  Dad sighed and I heard the smile in it. “Sure. Rebeckah is a pain in my ass,” he teased. “You can take her off my hands.”

  “Thanks Dad,” I said, my breathing coming out rushed.

  “You two have fun,” Dad said chuckling. Oh. My. God. He knows! “And send me the invite.” Then he hung up.

  “He knows we were doing something,” I said covering my eyes with my arm. “You’re unbelievable.”

  “So, what do you say Becka Lennox? Will you marry me?” Al asked kissing her way down my body. Her eyes found the tattoo saying ‘I’m what you never wanted’ and she stopped touching me. “Can you do something for me?” she asked finding my eyes.

  “Anything,” I said, because it’s true.

  “Get a tattoo of this moment and put it right there,” she said tapping the skin where the tattoo is. “That way when you see it, you think of me.”

  I smiled and pushed her back up, turning her over so I was on top. “I know what I want to get then. And yes, I’ll marry you,” I said, bringing my lips to hers then doing exactly what she did to me seconds before.

  “We’re still going to fuck sexy men every night. We have an open relationship,” Ali said looking down at me as I flicked my tongue up and down, making her squirm under me.

  “My fingers aren’t enough for you?” I asked sliding one in as I climbed back up to her. “Because that’s just fucked up.”

  “Shut up,” Ali said crashing her lips against mine.

  “Merry fucking Christmas to you too,” I said smiling.

  “Wait, go deeper,” she said. I did. Her eyes closed as she arched her back and her orgasm took over. “Merry fucking Christmas,” she moaned.

  I told Matty and Kelsey the story. Everything except for the sexy parts. Those are for me to know about. Think about. Remember.

  “You were totally having sex when that happened,” Kelsey said, blushing. “The way you’re crossing your legs right now proves it.”

  “Gross. I don’t need my sister to get wet on me,” Matty said tossing me off him.

  “And that’s my cue to leave,” Dad said. “Get ready for school. All of you.” He glanced at me and shook his head while smiling. “You’re still a pain in my ass.”

  “That’s my job,” I said.

  Everyone headed out of my room and got ready for school. I walked over to the mirror and stared at the diamond ring tattooed on my skin.

  I still think about you, Ali. Always.

  I love you, Becka. Always.

  I threw on some clothes and headed to school.

  I didn’t think about what happened last night. Right now, I’m just happy that I got through that. The nightmare finally came to its end. Now I have to see if it’ll stop haunting me.

  I need it to.

  ***

  Classes were a nightmare. Exams were harder than I thought but once I finished them I felt proud of myself. I’m finally seeing college as something more. Seeing as how my siblings threatened they’d take my money and shove it up my ass if I quit, I couldn’t give up.

  I don’t want to give up…

  When I got to work, Toby was on my ass about the whole almost mugged thing last night so I told him to relax. He stayed all night and drove me home when Peyton’s shift was over. We made a pit stop before that though.

  I got a new tattoo.

  I texted Logan telling him I wish I could have seen him after classes but he had to move his things into the apartment before traffic started. We’ll see each other tomorrow so I’m not that heartbroken.

  I walked up to my bedroom and stared down at my wrist.

  The wrist that could have ended my life if Dad didn’t find me.

  I smiled as I traced my fingers over the letters.

  ‘I love you. Always.’

  - 16 -

  “How do I look?” Kelsey asked for the thousandth time in the last twenty minutes as she grabbed the bottom of her dress and twirled a few times. I actually like that I wasn’t like this at the age of fourteen. I didn’t have boyfriends. I didn’t care what I looked like. I threw on clothes knowing boys would stare because I showed too much skin. They always did a double take when I walked by. I was never self-conscious.

  Red flag for not being a normal girl.

  “You look beautiful,” I said watching my sister as she nervously ran her fingers through her hair and adjusted her cleavage to head to a dinner with Micha and his parents. It’s Christmas Eve so she’s going there tonight, and tomorrow Micha will come here. Kelsey didn’t want to miss my birthday…and Christmas.

  “Do I look sluty? I’m having dinner with his parents. Micha said not to worry. Should I change? The cleavage is too much. Right? I should–”

  “Kelsey,” I said grabbing her good shoulder. “Shut up. You met his parents already. This isn’t different. You look great, Micha will have something to stare at and his parents will get to embarrass him when he starts drooling. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

  “Not for me,” she said.

  “Hello? Did you not hear me? Micha will be staring! He’s going to look at you. You are beautiful. Your boyfriend won’t be able to look away.” That’s not the best advice to give her but she smiled and the nerves went away.

  “Okay. I get it. Thanks,” s
he blushed.

  I squeezed her arms which aren’t so boney anymore and kissed her forehead. “Just don’t have sex, okay. I mean, me telling you not to have it will make you want to but just think about things before you do stuff.”

  “We’re not going to have sex,” Kelsey said blushing harder. “His parents will be there the whole time.” I gave her a look. “Yeah, that doesn’t mean anything.”

  We laughed and sat on her bed.

  “Micha’s a nice kid but if he pressures you into doing anything I will squeeze his nuts dry, okay? He won’t have kids. Ever,” I said giving her a look I hope passes as ‘I’m serious.’

  “What is he going to pressure me into? A hand job under the table?” My eyes widened because I wasn’t expecting that. Not from her! “What? Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I can’t know these things? Relax, Becka. I have standards. And I’m not that kind of girl.” Her eyes found mine and she smiled. “I’m not you.” I rolled my eyes, she nudged my side. “And Micha isn’t like that. We don’t talk about sex, hand jobs, blowjobs, anal, sixty-nine, cum–”

  “Stop!” I said raising a hand. “Please. You’re my little sister. You shouldn’t be talking about these things until you’re at least sixteen.” It’s weird. She’s growing up and I missed it.

  Kelsey laughed and grabbed her phone when it vibrated.

  “He’s here!” she squealed. I was stuck looking at her while her whole face lit up. She’s so…carefree. Happy. You wouldn’t know she was sick. And then look at me. I lose my best friend and I go batshit crazy/suicidal. I gave up on life. And she didn’t. “Okay, I have to go before Dad embarrasses me. Have fun tonight. And remember, don’t get pressured into doing things.” She winked and I rolled my eyes.

  We got downstairs to find Matty and Finn at the door, talking to Micha (more like interrogating) while Dad was outside talking to his parents. Kelsey was all smiles as she burst through the guys and took her place beside Micha. They’re adorable. I can’t stop smiling when I see them together.

  “You two have fun,” I said smiling. “Micha, take care of my sister.” He’s supposed to be on bed rest but he ignored his parents for Kelsey. Such a dumbass!

  “Always,” he said taking her hand and giving her a smile that can melt anyone in its path. Swoon! He’s still a dumbass though.

  Dad started walking up to us and the guys asked more questions trying to keep him longer so Dad can start with the interrogation. Me being the good sister, I pushed the young couple out toward the car, past Dad and his stop-walking-right-now look and held the door open for them as they got in Micha’s dad’s car. Mr. and Mrs. Henson were all smiles so I said ‘hi’, ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘have a good night’, all the things I should say. Then they were gone.

  I stared at the taillights disappear, praying that my little sister has the time of her life.

  “I didn’t get to embarrass her,” Dad deadpanned.

  “There’s always next time,” I said patting his shoulder. “But I gave her the sex talk. She’s going to be fine.”

  “Sex?” Dad asked confused. “My baby girl doesn’t know about sex.” Yeah, that’s what I thought. His baby girl is full of surprises. “Ah, fuck.” He slumped his shoulders and made a face like he smelt something bad. “Should I be worried?”

  “No. She’s not me,” I said. Dad stared at me for a few seconds and I can see him thinking about it. I was a whore. I admit it. My college life was full of classes, alcohol, men and Alice. Kelsey is nothing like that so he has absolutely nothing to worry about.

  We walked back into the house where the guys waited for the next interrogation. Logan and I are going out. And Finn has plenty to say about that. He doesn’t know we’re dating. Actually no one knows we’re dating. My family, I mean. I don’t talk about it. They clearly see that I’m different so I don’t think they want to jinx it. And I can’t tell Finn because I don’t want to break his heart. He’s still seeing Gaby but he’s still longing for me. I hope it ends soon. Gabriella doesn’t need that shit.

  “So…” Dad said leaning on the kitchen counter. “Where are you going?”

  “Some place Aimee picked,” I said shrugging. “Said it’s to die for.” It’s a club. The twins want to have one night out before they get on a plane tomorrow morning. I was lucky and got out of work early today so I can see them before they leave. I’ll miss them. I grew attached.

  “Hey! Did Kelsey leave?” Jacky asked bursting into the kitchen with Remy on her heels.

  “Yeah, Becky let her go before we could do anything embarrassing,” Matty said glaring at me. “It’s like she didn’t want us to say anything to Kelsey on her first official date.”

  “That was fucked up, Becka,” Finn interjected. “No one ever got to embarrass you.”

  “Is that supposed to be a compliment?” I asked. Because I never dated so no one had to say stupid shit and see if the poor guy would run, leaving me at the door.

  “Yes, because you were saving the embarrassment for me,” Finn said winking at me. “When is our first date?”

  I rolled my eyes and started to head out of the kitchen, softly saying. “Not anytime soon. I actually like dating Logan.”

  Remy threw his arm out and stopped me from walking.

  “What did you say?” he asked, leaning into me.

  “Mr. I’m-in-the-way-of-me-getting-ready, please move. The twins will be here any minute,” I said. He didn’t move an inch. I sighed and turned around. I knew they would hear that. “We’re dating…for awhile now.”

  “Are you serious?” Jacky asked.

  Something in her tone got to me so I shut my mouth before I said something stupid. I don’t want to get into it right now. And the looks everyone else is giving me are just as worse. Why are they acting disgusted over the news?

  “Yeah…” I said slipping under Remy’s arm. “Thanks for the smiles and the congratulations.”

  I walked up to my room and slipped on my heels. I thought they liked the twins. And they know Logan has been helping me for awhile. I’m not in the bathroom trying to end my life. That’s a huge fucking accomplishment.

  I texted Logan for an update and turns out, he’s walking up to the door. Good, I don’t want to stay here longer than I have to. I can’t believe everyone was looking at me like I was slitting my own throat in front of them.

  I threw my hair into a ponytail and grabbed a jacket that I’ll end up leaving in Logan’s car because who brings a jacket into a club? I’m going ahead of myself and wearing heels. That’s something. My skinny jeans and tight top will have to do. I’m not wearing a dress in fifteen degree weather. I’m not that psycho.

  I stood in my room with a confused look a few seconds later. If Logan was heading up to the door, he should have knocked or rung the doorbell. I didn’t hear either. I walked out into the hall and stopped at the top of the stairs when I heard Dad yelling in a soft voice.

  I shouldn’t eavesdrop but when I heard my name, my ears perked up and I listened to Dad talking. “…were supposed to help Rebeckah not date her.”

  Wait, what?! Rewind that a few seconds for me because I don’t think I got it.

  “Do you understand how this will end?” Jacky snapped. “She’ll know this was all a lie and she’ll go back to living in a dark world. I can’t believe Dad chose you. I can’t believe you took advantage of her.”

  Help me, not date me. It was all a lie. Dad chose you.

  What the fuck is going on?

  I crept down the stairs slowly and continued to listen. Now it was Logan’s turn. “It just happened. I didn’t plan on feeling anything but I did. I–”

  “You’re lying to my sister,” Matty said, trying to keep his voice down but it’s obviously not working. “And the fucked up thing is she doesn’t even know you two were supposed to meet that day.”

  My heart stopped when I made it to the last stair. My mind isn’t processing it fast enough but I think I know what’s going on. Small pieces are coming together
and I feel myself breaking with every click of the puzzle pieces.

  “Becka.” Remy saw me on the stairs and I blinked.

  “What the fuck is going on?” I asked. My eyes landed on Logan and his eyes held so much yet I couldn’t bring myself to care. I’m hurt because I know what’s going on.

  He used me. Just like the first day we met and he kissed me to get that girl off his arm. He used me because my father told him to. My dad wanted me to get help. Logan is a psychology major. He’ll be a therapist in the future. He’s perfect for getting me to see that living is worth it because we go to school together and I’m friends with his sister. He’ll always be around. He dug his way into my head and made a place for himself. He got me to feel something. He took me out of my dark world. And I fucking hate him for it.

  “Rebeckah, it’s not–”

  “Fuck you,” I said dryly. “I knew it was too good to be true. You should have just stayed away from me. I was just a project.” I shook my head when tears burned the back of my eyes. Don’t you dare fucking cry, Rebeckah. It’s not worth it. Everything was a lie. Nothing was real! Everything he said doesn’t mean shit! Don’t cry! “I trusted you.”

  “Becka, he–”

  “No,” I said, cutting Jacky off. “I don’t know what’s worse.” Fuck, this hurts! “Him lying to me or all of you knowing it. I feel so fucking stupid right now.” I locked eyes on Logan. “And to think I was falling in love with you. I feel like the biggest idiot.” I took a step up the stairs, never breaking eye contact with anyone. “You should have let me die in the shower,” I said to Dad. “Then we wouldn’t be here right now.”

  “Birdie.” Dad took a step toward me so I ran up the stairs, slammed the door shut and locked it. I will not talk to him! I won’t talk to anyone! They played me. I was their fucking puppet and I didn’t know it. “Becka, open the door!” Dad yelled, turning the knob.

  I grabbed my TV and threw it, ripping the cables out of the wall. It felt good. Seeing it hit the floor and break felt right. That’s exactly how I feel right now. I was just becoming whole. Now my world and everything I knew got shattered. I’m always going to be the broken girl. I was fucking stupid for thinking I could change.