Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  So I sat an listened an waited. Then I dozed sittin in the cold. The wind was comin in under the front door, an I couldn’t hear any more sounds comin from Annie’s room. I must have been there fer hours. I tried te move, but I was frozen solid. Then I slowly opened the front door, listenin, but I couldn’t hear a sound. I put me head out the door an looked up an down the street. It was pitch black, an there wasn’t a sinner about. Then me heart started te rattle again. Jackser will kill me! It’s very dark. Tha must mean it’s late. I started te run. When I got up the stairs, Jackser whipped open the door, an he was wearin his coat, an so was me ma. ‘Where the fuck have ye been till now?’ he roared. He was marchin up an down wit his fists clenched.

  ‘Where did ye get te?’ me ma asked.

  ‘First thing tomorrow, Mrs, you get tha young one inta a home,’ Jackser said. Then he ran at me an punched me in me head. He kept batterin me wit his fists. Me ears was bleedin, an he picked me up an threw me across the room. I hit me face against the fireplace. Then he came runnin fer me as soon as I hit the ground.

  I tried te roll meself inta a ball te protect me head. He was kickin me an punchin me. I was screamin all the time, ‘Don’t hit me, Jackser! I’ll be good, I promise I’ll never do tha again.’ Jackser doesn’t like te hear me screamin when he’s killin me. An he’s kickin me an tellin me not te cry!

  ‘No, Jackser, I’m not cryin! Ye see, Jackser! I’m not cryin now, just don’t hurt me any more, Jackser!’

  He picked me up an threw me again, an then ran te the winda. He whipped open the winda an ran fer me. Me ma screamed, ‘Stop! Ye’re goin te kill her!’ But Jackser hauled me over te the winda an dropped me out, hangin me upside down by me ankles. The terror in me is like nothin on earth. I’m goin te be kilt! I try te grab on te somethin, but there’s nothin te grab on to. Everythin is spinnin. Ah! Ah! I can’t breathe, everythin is black. Me eyes are closed. When will it end? I can’t shout, Ah, Jaysus, don’t let me die!

  I’m hauled through the air an swung inta the room. Me ma grabs me, an I’m suffocated between the two of them. Jackser won’t let me go, an me ma has me by the head. ‘Let her go! Harm her an ye won’t see me again!’ me ma screams. Jackser drops me, an me ma grabs me. I don’t even feel any pain. I can’t hear anythin, an everythin seems far away, like I’m lookin at somethin from a distance. Me mouth feels twisted, an me eyes can only see through slits. I can feel the blood tricklin down me throat, then I realise I’m chokin – there’s blood everywhere.

  These two are pullin an draggin me, an he has a spoon an he’s puttin it down me back. They’re lyin me down on the bed an liftin me back down again wit me head onta the floor. There’s an awful lot of blood. It doesn’t bother me. I’m just takin it all in, tha’s all. Jackser’s eyes are bulgin, an me ma is fussin an shoutin, an they’re pullin an draggin me. But I can’t hear wha they’re sayin, an I’m not bothered anyway. I’m just glad I’m not still hangin out the winda an Jackser’s not killin me any more. I think they’re tryin te stop the bleedin, cos it’s pumpin from me nose.

  Jackser doesn’t let me out te play much any more. I mostly stay in an mind Charlie an keep the fire goin. Tha always worries me, cos if I put too much coal on, he kills me fer usin up all the coal, an if I don’t put enough on, he kills me fer lettin the fire go out. If he does let me go out, it’s only fer the messages. An he times me. Sometimes he follows me down te the shop. He’ll sneak behind me an ducks inta shops so I won’t see him. So I always have te run everywhere. An he won’t allow me te talk te anyone, cos tha’s wastin time, an he wants me back in a hurry. He wants me te call him Da. But he’s not me da, an I don’t want him. He tells people I’m belongin te him. But the people who know him knows I’m not. So then he always calls me ‘Sally’s young one’.

  One day, he brought me off on his bike, an he was in very bad humour. He kept givin out, cos people were starin at him, he thought. He has a terrible habit of goin up te people in the street an askin them wha the fuck they’re starin at. Sometimes he will stand an stare at people an say te me, ‘Do ye see tha fucker over there starin at me?’ I say nothin, cos I know they’re not even lookin at him. Then he goes after them, tryin te start a fight. He stopped the bike in Drumcondra one time an told me te get off. ‘Walk up there,’ he said te me. ‘I want te see if tha fella follows ye.’ I didn’t know wha he was talkin about. I couldn’t see anyone lookin at him, but I walked up the road anyway an then back te Jackser sittin on the bike. ‘Get up there, stand at the end of the road an don’t come back till I say ye can. I’m watchin this fella across the road te see wha he’s up to.’ I went back up the road an waited. An I saw Jackser starin across the road, but people were comin an goin an mindin their own business. Jackser’s always doin this. He waved his arm at me te come back, an he put me back on the bike. ‘He knew I was watchin him! The bastard knew I was wide te him, tha’s why he didn’t come after you,’ Jackser said. I got terribly afraid an wondered how Jackser found out the Bogeyman had tried te take me away. I held on tight te the handlebars, not knowin wha te think. Was it the same one? Or was it another one, or was Jackser just his usual self, thinkin everyone was starin at him an talkin about him behind his back? I knew tha was only his imagination. People don’t really be mindin him. It’s himself tha causes all the trouble. Accusin them in the wrong.

  We’d left the shops an houses behind us, an we were now out in the country. ‘This is where ye can take the airplane from. It will take ye te England, or America, or anywhere ye want te go to.’ I wanted te go te England, but I’d have te be fourteen, an I’m still only six. I wouldn’t be able te get a job an mind meself yet. All I want te do is escape by meself an not have anyone killin me. An never have te see Jackser again.

  We stopped in a laneway, an Jackser climbed over a gate. He hid his bike in a hedge an lifted me over. We walked through a field fer miles it seemed. An then Jackser stopped. There was nothin aroun fer miles. Just fields an hedges an trees. There wasn’t even a cow te be seen. ‘Right!’ Jackser said. ‘Ye’re stayin here, don’t look aroun, don’t move, I’ll be watchin ye te see if ye look or even move. So do nothin! Just stay.’ An then he was gone!

  I stood rooted te me spot, starin straight ahead. Doin exactly as I was told te do, an I waited. I waited a long time, but Jackser didn’t come back. The sounds aroun me changed, an I knew it was gettin late. I started te turn aroun now in panic. I’d kept up this position all mornin, an it was now comin inta evenin. Me legs were like two iron bars from not movin them, an I had the feelin Jackser wasn’t comin back fer me. I started te cry an look aroun me, but there was nothin te be seen except miles an miles of fields wit hedges an trees separatin them. I couldn’t hear any traffic, or people, or animals, or anythin. I must be in the country, miles from me mammy an me brother. What’ll I do? I started te run up an down, screamin, then I stopped te listen. Nobody will find me, me best bet is te stay here. Jackser’s the only one who knows I’m here. If he comes back fer me, he’ll know where te find me.

  I didn’t sit down, even though I was tired. Jackser said not te move, an, anyway, he might not see me sittin down in the grass. Suddenly I heard a sound behind me, an Jackser appeared outa nowhere. He wasn’t comin a few minutes ago, I would’ve seen him. I don’t know how he did tha, but I’m glad te see him. ‘Come on,’ he says, wit the same look on his face he gets when a dog he’s tried te stray turns back up at the door. An he says, ‘I can’t get rid of tha fuckin dog! It’s back again.’

  15

  All the people have left the house, an we’re the only ones left. Jackser says the house is condemned, an me ma says it’s cos of him. Jackser roars an shouts now, an there’s no one te bang up on the ceilin wit a brush or run in an bang the door an tell Jackser if he doesn’t stop roarin an fightin, they’ll knock the head off him, cos he’s drivin them mad.

  We move, too. The Corporation gives us two rooms in a tenement house down in Sean McDermott Street. I sleep in the bedroom wit Charlie, an me ma an Jackser s
leep in the sittin room. They said it’s warmer in the sittin room, cos the gas cooker’s in there. We have no chairs, cos Jackser broke up all the furniture when he was drunk. So everybody sits on the bed. Our bedroom is big, an we have a winda high up in the wall, so we can’t look out. If we could see out, we’d be lookin at waste ground, cos the Corpo demolished the old Georgian tenement houses tha stood there. The room is freezin cold, an the glass is broken in the winda. When I’m in me bed an I look aroun, there’s nothin te look at, cos me room is bare. An I’m lookin at the bare walls. But I don’t care. I snuggle under the hairy blanket an wrap the coats aroun me an Charlie, an I’m delighted. Jackser can’t get his hands on us. An I can peek me nose up from under the coats an look at the sky an wonder what it would be like te be a bird an shit on Jackser’s head an fly back up onta the roof an torment him until he wears himself out, screamin curses at me an threatenin te kill me. Then, when he’s tired, I’ll fly back down again an give him another good shit all over him. Yeah, I’d love tha!

  * * *

  Jackser let me out te play, an I dashed across the road te a gang of childre who were standin aroun a door in one of the houses opposite. They took one look at me an told me te get lost. I didn’t move, cos I hoped they’d change their minds. But instead, they all jumped on me an hit me. So I got up an ran fer the safety of me own hall. After a few minutes, I put me head out the door, an they were still there, watchin over an waitin fer me te come out again. No fear! I rushed up the stairs an in the door, an Jackser was waitin fer me. I thought he’d agree wit me, them childre was very treacherous! But instead, he gave me a box an lifted me offa the floor, roarin, ‘I saw ye! Runnin from them kids when they hit ye! Get back over there an pick out the leader. Beat the fuck outa him an the rest will leave ye alone. Now go! Remember, I’ll be watchin ye from this winda. An ye’ll have me te reckon wit if ye don’t do as I say.’

  I shot out the door an down the stairs, an flew through the hall, thinkin, they’re all big young fellas, they’ll kill me. But Jackser would kill me more. If I put up a good fight, then tha’s me only chance. Jackser might not kill me then. I whipped open the front door, an, still runnin, I leapt across the road. I could see they all had their backs te me an their heads close together. They were busy lookin at somethin a young fella had in his hand. I leapt on them, bangin two of their heads together an lashin out wit me foot at the same time at the other fella, who looked up in surprise. I was all legs an arms, lashin out, the fear in me drivin me on. The young fellas were too surprised an shocked tha a squirt of a young one like me would come back at them. An before they had a chance te come te their senses, I was gone! Back te Jackser te report tha I’d carried out his orders.

  Me brother Charlie is two now, an he’s walkin by himself. I’m very annoyed, though, cos me ma tells me I was only seven a coupla months ago. I’ve been tellin people I’m seven fer ages. Tha means now I have te wait years before I’m grown up te wear stockins an high heels, an have a big fat purse wit loads a money te buy all the sweets I want. An go te England te get away from Jackser.

  Every mornin I have te get up an get Charlie dressed an take him out on the street. It’s still dark, an nobody is outa their beds yet. An we walk up an down the street, me holdin tight onta Charlie’s hand, an I don’t know why we do this every mornin. Me ma stays snug in her bed as we leave the room, an I wonder when we can come back. It’s dark an freezin cold out here as we walk up an down, an I’m thinkin it must be cos Jackser wants te pretend we don’t live wit him. He’s always shoutin at me ma tha he doesn’t want other men’s bastards aroun an she has te get rid of us. Ma looks at us like she’s very annoyed wit us, but she doesn’t know wha te do, so she looks away. She’s stopped botherin about us now, an if I try te talk te her like I used te, she’s not bothered. She’ll only talk te Jackser. The only time she wants te talk te me is if I bring her back money or somethin she wants.

  The ma makes sure I go everywhere wit Jackser an then tell her if he was lookin at women or talkin te his friends about them, or maybe if he was seein one. I always tell her he was doin nothin. I learnt me lesson good an proper when he nearly threw Charlie over the banisters. So I’m not tellin them anythin tha will start a row. I tell them nothin about anythin, an Jackser beats inta me tha I’m never te tell anyone wha happens at home. So I don’t answer questions people ask me, like, where’d ye get the black eyes, or, wha’s them zig-zag blue marks on yer legs an arms an back? I say nothin.

  This mornin I was walkin up an down the street, holdin Charlie’s hand. An it was very cold. It was beginnin te get light, an a few cars were movin up an down, an people were startin te go te work. A man came over te us an asked me te show him where someone lived in one of the houses. I ignored him an tried te walk on, but he took me arm an pulled me along the street an inta one of the houses. I was holdin tight te Charlie’s hand, an I couldn’t run away, cos Charlie could only take little steps. He brought us up the stairs an lifted up Charlie, cos we weren’t fast enough. An he hurried up the stairs, wit me still holdin tight te Charlie’s hand an rushin te keep up. Then he stopped an put Charlie down an lifted me up. I wouldn’t let go of me brother’s hand, an he was bein lifted inta the air, too. So the man lay down on the stairs an tried te put me lyin on top of him. I was afraid te do or say anythin, cos the man might get upset an hurt me, or, even worse, hurt me brother, who’s very small. He didn’t notice or care or even see me poor little brother, who was tryin te grip me from the man wit his free hand. I was bein tugged inta the air te get me te release me brother’s hand. ‘Let him go an come wit me an I’ll buy ye sweets!’ he kept sayin. But I started te cry, an me brother started te cry. An the man couldn’t get me on top of him. Then the man put his hand over me brother’s mouth te quieten him. An I panicked, cos he’d smother him. I shouted, ‘Let him go! Jackser’s comin! An ye won’t get down the stairs, cos he’ll kill ya. Gerraway from him!’ I was jumpin up an down on the stairs, screamin me lungs out in fright. An the man heard a noise comin from one of the rooms an dropped Charlie an ran off.

  I picked me brother up, an he was screamin, too. An old man put his head out the door an said, ‘Wha’s wrong wit ye’s?’ I just sobbed me chest up an down an held onta me brother, an looked at him, not knowin wha te do or which way te run. The man said, ‘Get back te where ye’s came from an do yer screamin there.’ An he banged the door shut. I hurried down onta the next landin an stopped. I told Charlie we were all right, the man’s gone, but we’d better be quiet an listen te make sure he’s gone. So we sat down on the stairs, wit Charlie snuggled beside me, an we listened te the quiet. Me chest was slowly easin of the pain, an I wasn’t shakin so much now. Charlie would give a sob now an then, but otherwise everythin was quiet. An then, as we were beginnin te doze off from the peace, another thought hit me. Jackser could be lookin fer us. When it’s time fer us te go back in, he opens the winda an shouts down. I’d better hurry, an me heart began te pound again. An Charlie started te cry, cos I gave him a fright when I moved off wit him so fast.

  Jackser took me down te Bachelors Walk, an we crossed over the Liffey te the toy wholesalers an bought a box of balloons an windmills an whistles. The next mornin, we were up when it was still dark, an we made our way up te the stables off Mountjoy Square an harnessed up the horse te the cart. Jackser promised te pay his friend, the owner of the horse an cart, a few bob when he makes money on the rags an the bottles we get fer givin out the toys, mostly te childre. We give the horse his oats, an when he’s fed an watered, we set off.

  ‘Right!’ Jackser says te me. ‘We’ll head out te Ballybough, an from there we’ll see.’ So we clipclopped outa the lane an turned right onta Mountjoy Square. I saw some of me old friends hangin aroun the square. ‘Look, Jackser! There’s childre, we might get somethin if we stop here.’

  ‘Not at all!’ Jackser said. ‘The only rags them beggars have is on them. We’ll keep on movin.’ So we trotted on an stopped at the traffic lights at Gardiner Street before turnin
right on te Dorset Street. When we arrived at Ballybough, we clipclopped inta the narra archway an inta the flats. Jackser pulled the horse up. ‘Toys fer rags!’ he shouted, an the kids playin aroun the pram sheds came runnin over.

  ‘What’ve ye got, Mister? Wha will ye give us?’

  ‘Get blowin them balloons,’ Jackser said te me, ‘an we’ll tie them onta these sticks.’

  The childre came runnin out wit old clothes an porter bottles an jam jars. I handed them the balloons. ‘No! I want the one on the stick, like he got!’ I was puffed out from blowin up balloons an tried te get them te do it themselves. They started roarin an shoutin, an tried te grab the toy box. ‘Give us tha one!’, ‘Give us the windmill!’, ‘Gimme the red balloon on a stick!’ The childre were mobbin me, an Jackser didn’t notice, he was busy admirin a man’s suit an fittin it up te himself until there was a scream from one of the doors.

  ‘Eh, you! Don’t move. I’m comin down!’ a woman shouted te Jackser. An she came runnin over wit a child she was draggin behind her holdin onta a windmill. ‘Tha’s me husband’s good suit!’ she roared, an she snatched it back from Jackser. ‘I had it out, ready te bring it te the pawn. An ye took it offa the child knowin its worth, ye aul toerag, ye!’

  Jackser jumped off the cart an snatched the suit back from the woman. ‘How do I know tha’s yours?’ he said.

  ‘Right! Get up them stairs an get yer father outa the bed an tell him te get down here quick,’ she said te her child. I watched as about half a dozen childre raced off te get the father. ‘Mickey! Da! Mickey!’ they were all shoutin as they ran up the stairs.