Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes

by Martha Long

  ‘Now!’ the woman said te Jackser. ‘We’ll see how ye get on when ye’re faced wit me Mickey! He’ll sort ye out quick an proper!’ She was white-faced an stood in front of Jackser wit her arms folded. Jackser was even whiter, an I was lookin forward te meetin Mickey.

  But Jackser had a change of heart an handed the woman back her suit an said he was sorry fer the misunderstandin, anyone can make a mistake! Then he said, ‘There’s no need fer any more trouble!’ An he slapped the horse wit the whip an said, ‘Go on, Daisy! Get movin.’

  The horse neighed an threw her head up, an Jackser gave her another crack of the whip. We took off, throwin me flat on me back inta the rags an sendin the sack of jam jars an porter bottles crashin aroun the cart. We galloped inta the bend an raced down the arch just as Mickey appeared in his bare feet an still tyin up his trousers. We came te a screechin stop before we hit the main road, an the horse was snortin wit fright. I was lookin back, an Jackser was lookin back, an we could see Mickey wavin his fists at Jackser. ‘Jaysus, tha was close!’ Jackser said, still white as a sheet.

  ‘Yeah!’ I said, all delighted an excited. An tryin te look sad.

  ‘Fuck this!’ Jackser said. ‘I’m goin up te the respectable parts, where they don’t all act like animals!’

  I felt as tired as the horse looked, draggin herself down Capel Street. She was probably thinkin about her warm stables an a nice bag of oats before she rested. I’d buried meself in a mound of rags sittin in the middle of the cart, an I’d be glad when we got these sold te the aul Jew man at Henrietta Street. ‘Oh, yeah,’ Jackser was sayin. ‘I used te work fer the circus. I looked after the horses. I was wit them all – Chipperfields, Billy Smart’s, the lot. An I was good, I may tell ye! I could be doin this more often, makin a few bob. But yer mammy stops me. She doesn’t like me goin out an leavin her on her own. Wit you helpin me, I could probably do a coal round. Then we’d be on the pig’s back. We’d be flyin!’

  Jackser sorted the clothes out as we waited our turn te be weighed. ‘Here! Put tha up te ye an see if it fits ye!’ I looked at the coat, an it went down te me toes. Then it was our turn. Jackser carried the clothes off the cart an threw them on the scales. Then he backed Daisy down the lane an left me holdin the reins.

  I was holdin her head too close te the ground, cos I couldn’t reach up further, an she didn’t like this. She snorted an threw her head back, an nearly pulled me arms from the sockets. I was raised off the ground, but I wouldn’t let the reins go. I was afraid of me life she’d hurt me or turn aroun an bite me. ‘There, there, Daisy,’ I kept sayin te her. Then Daisy moved forward, an I pulled tight on the reins. So she decided te move backward. ‘Ah, Mammy! She’s runnin off wit me!’ I said in a quiet panic.

  Jackser didn’t look down. He was too busy arguin wit the Jew man. But another horse an cart came up behind me, an the man jumped down an came over te Daisy an pulled her over te the side, sayin te me, ‘Leave her be, chicken! She’ll wait there, she’s a quiet one!’

  Jackser collected his money an he whipped me offa the ground, plonkin me down beside him on the cart. ‘Right! We’re off,’ he said, snufflin an raisin his arm in the air an shovin his head down towards the ground. He roared, ‘Go on, Daisy! I’m takin ye home,’ an we hurried outa the lane. When we arrived back at Mountjoy Square, Daisy’s ears picked up, an she lifted her head an took off inta a gallop. She was delighted now she was home. I sat on the bales of hay, watchin an waitin as Jackser unharnessed Daisy from the cart an walked her inta the stables. When he had all the harness on the cart put away, an the hay was put down fer Daisy’s bed, an she was fed an watered, we locked up. Jackser jumped up on his bike an lifted me on te the crossbar. I was stiff an cold, an couldn’t wait te get home fer a hot sup of tea an bread, an maybe somethin else, cos Jackser had a few bob now.

  It was dark now, an the street lamps was on. I held tight te the handlebars, feelin the cold wind whip away me breath, an I tried te keep me head down. Jackser was pedallin like mad, an he was in good form. ‘We’ll be home in no time,’ he said. ‘Yer mammy will be glad te see us.’ Then we hit Marlborough Street. ‘We’re just aroun the corner now from home,’ Jackser said. ‘I’ll just stop in here fer a minute,’ an he pulled the bike over an left it at the side of the footpath. ‘I’m only havin one, so mind me bike, an I’ll be out in a minute,’ an he disappeared inta the pub. Me mouth fell open, an me heart fell down inta me belly. Me ma’s voice came inta me head. ‘Why didn’t ye stop him?’

  Jackser came reelin outa the pub at closin time. I was sittin on the footpath next te his bike, an I was frozen solid. The damp night air an the cold footpath had gone right through me bones, an me legs was blue. I only had a thin frock an a light coat on me tha was too short. I had no socks, an me shoes had no soles, only big holes. Jackser couldn’t manage the bike, he was too drunk. An the bike was too big an heavy fer me te manage it. So Jackser said, ‘Ah, fuck it!’ an he left it there.

  Jackser couldn’t make it either! He staggered from the footpath an smashed inta the wall an back again out inta the middle of the road. When he made it back te the wall again, he gave up an dug out his heels an plonked himself against the wall. Then he spent ages tryin te find his Woodbines in his pocket. When he did get one inta his mouth, he couldn’t light it, cos his eyes kept crossin an the wind was blowin out the match. We were never goin te get home, an he’s probably drank all the money. Me ma will go mad! An now we’ve nothin. If only me ma would leave him! We’d be better off on the streets, I thought. I was playin wit the idea of runnin home te me ma, an leavin him. He’s so drunk, he might forget he had me wit him. I looked at him, he was spittin an great big snots was comin outa his nose. ‘I love yer mammy!’ he was sayin. ‘I love Sally, I do! I’d do anythin fer her. An ye’re a great young one, you’ll go far, any flies on you is payin rent! I took youse in when no one else wanted ye’s, so I’m not at all bad, wouldn’t ye agree wit me?’

  ‘Yeah, Jackser, I would!’

  Then Jackser slid down the wall an went off te sleep, still mutterin. I started te cry. I was cold, tired an hungry, an I was afraid te move in case he’d wake up an find me missin.

  I was sittin on the edge of the footpath, thinkin this would never end, when an aul one wit a shawl wrapped aroun her head came aroun the corner an stopped. ‘What ails ye, love? Will he not take ye home?’ An she ran at him. ‘Get up, ye drunken aul sod, an take the child home. Do ye hear me talkin te ye?’ An she gave him a kick wit her boot. Jackser stirred himself an looked up at her. But he didn’t see her, an he curled himself up inta a ball an went back te sleep.

  ‘Where’s yer mammy? Where do ye live? Did she send ye te find him? Ye shouldn’t be out on yer own at this time a night. Come on! I’ll take ye home.’

  ‘I can’t leave Jackser,’ I said. ‘He’ll not want me te go!’

  ‘Ye can’t stay here, daughter! Te hell wit him. The Devil takes care of his own! Come on, I’m takin ye home. Let yer poor mammy worry about him.’

  I cried on the way home, worryin about wha Jackser was goin te do te me when he woke up. ‘Ye’ll be all right! Yer mammy shouldn’t be sendin a little one like you out this time a night.’

  The woman left me at the hall door, an I went up the pitch-black stairs. Me heart was heavy. I hoped maybe the fire was still lightin an I’d get a sup of hot tea. I hoped she didn’t need a shillin fer the gas meter. An maybe she wouldn’t take it so bad, Jackser drinkin all the money we made.

  I knocked on the door an then harder. I could hear noise inside, but she wasn’t openin the door. I tried lookin in the keyhole, but it was too dark. ‘Ma! It’s me! Open the door. Let me in, Ma. Ma, Mammy! Will ye let me in?’ I was shoutin at the top of me lungs, an then I stopped te listen. Me ma was comin.

  ‘Wait!’ I heard her say. An I waited. Then I heard her shufflin an pantin, an I wondered wha was wrong.

  ‘Open the door, Ma!’ I knew somethin was wrong.

  I rattled the doorknob, an I heard her cryi
n, ‘Fuckin wait!’

  When the door opened, me ma was holdin her big belly an sayin, ‘Where’s he?’

  ‘He’s not here, Ma!’

  ‘Where is he, fer fuck sake! Get him!’ An she collapsed against the wall, moanin. ‘Martha, get him te get an ambulance. Tell him the babby’s nearly here!’

  I looked at her. ‘Wha babby, Ma? Jackser’s drunk! He’s asleep outside the pub, Ma!’

  ‘Ah, Jaysus Christ. The whore’s melt! Go te a phone box an get someone te ring fer an ambulance. Hurry, hurry, Martha, fer God’s sake. Then wait fer them outside, bring them up here, the door’s open.’ Then she went very white an slid down on her hunkers wit her back te the wall an gave a terrible scream. I started te cry, not wantin te leave her an wantin te get someone te help at the same time.

  I came te me senses an turned, plungin meself down the stairs in the dark, holdin onta the banisters te stop meself breakin me neck. I was out the front door, down the steps an on the street runnin, headin towards the lights on O’Connell Street. There’s nobody aroun. I need a phone box. No! Don’t stop te ask fer help. Wastin time. Have te get a phone box. Me chest is crushin me. A man passes by me, but I don’t stop. I need the phone box! I round the corner onta O’Connell Street, an I see a man comin outa the Gresham Hotel. ‘Mister! Mister! Call an ambulance fer me mammy. She’s lyin on the floor very sick, an she says the babby’s comin. She’s all on her own! Will ye help me, Mister? Will ye get the ambulance?’

  He stared at me fer a moment, his jaw hangin open. ‘Right! Come with me! Where do you live?’ An he rushed back te the hotel door an called, ‘Paddy! Quickly! Call an ambulance. It appears a woman is about to deliver a baby.’

  Paddy, who was the porter, was on the phone. ‘What’s the address?’ he asked me, an I gave it te him. ‘Right! It’s on the way,’ Paddy said.

  ‘Thanks very much, Mister!’ An I dashed off, tryin te race back te me ma as hard as I could. I wanted te see her again. Prayin she was all right. What ails her? As I neared home, the ambulance flew past me, bells ringin, an then slowed down, lookin fer the number of the house. It stopped at the house before mine, an a man jumped out te look at the numbers. He waved his arm at the driver, an they stopped outside my house. The driver jumped out, an they opened the ambulance doors an took out the stretcher an the red blankets.

  Just then, Jackser staggered aroun the corner an stopped, holdin on te the railins. Me heart gave an awful jump, an I stopped dead in me tracks, ready te run in the other direction. But instead I ran on te help the ambulance men find the room up the stairs an help me mammy.

  ‘She’s up here, Mister! I’ll show ye’s.’ An I shot past Jackser, tryin te make his way up the steps.

  ‘Ah, it’s fuckin you, ye sleevin, ye! Wait till I get me hands on ye! I’ll teach ye te go runnin off like tha.’

  I said te the ambulance men, ‘Hurry! Me ma’s on her own.’ An they followed me up the stairs, shinin a big torch. Jackser was still in the hall, roarin an shoutin somethin, but we ignored him.

  When we got te me ma, the door was open, an me ma was on her knees, pantin very fast. ‘It’s here! Fer the love of Jaysus help me!’ The ambulance men pushed me outa the way an told me te go back downstairs. I could see Charlie standin in the doorway of our bedroom. He only had his vest on, an he was cryin. But they wouldn’t let me inta the room te get Charlie. So I sat on the landin fer a minute an then thought I’d be better down at the ambulance. Tha’s wha the man told me te do.

  I was just about te move when I heard Jackser comin up the stairs. ‘Sally! It’s me,’ he was sayin. ‘Open the door te throw out a bit of light. I’m breakin me fuckin neck here.’

  Me heart was leapin wit fright! I turned aroun an crept back onta the landin an went onta the next landin at the top of the house. An I sat down, keepin very quiet, not makin a sound. I could look over the banisters an see down when they opened the door. Then I’d know wha te do. But right now I’m not goin te let Jackser get his hands on me.

  He was bangin an hammerin on the door, impatient te be let in. ‘Who’re you?’ I heard him roar. The man muttered somethin, an I heard Jackser say, ‘Oh! I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Are ye all right, Sally? Poor Sally. Ah, ye’ll be grand, Sally! These gentlemen will look after ye.’ Then I heard me ma give an almighty scream, an me heart stopped. I wanted te run down, but they’d kill me. I started te cry again. Not knowin wha’s goin on. She must be dyin! I stopped cryin te think. If me ma dies, I’ll wait till Jackser goes out, then I’ll take me brother an I’ll go over te the Liberties. I’ll find someone te take us in. Now tha me mind was made up, I was at peace. I wasn’t afraid any more of Jackser.

  I must have dozed off on the landin, cos I heard Jackser callin me. I was afraid, but then I remembered, I’m not stayin wit him. So I came down, an Jackser said te me, ‘Yer mammy’s gone te hospital. I’m goin te leave now an walk up there. I have te go te James’s Street, St Kevin’s Hospital, tha’s where they’ve taken her. You get in an mind the other fella, an don’t move outa this room until I get back.’ An he pushed me in the door an slammed it shut behind me. I went inta the other room, an Charlie was fast asleep in bed. I stepped outa me shoes, threw off me coat an fell inta the bed beside me brother. I was out like a light, sleepin the sleep of the dead.

  Charlie was cryin an slappin at me te wake up. I shot up in the bed. I looked at him an then all round me. Quiet! I could hear only the quiet. I whispered out, ‘Mammy?’ an listened. No! It wasn’t a dream after all. Me mammy is really gone. Charlie started cryin again. He wanted somethin te eat. I went inta the sittin room an looked aroun the sink. No! The bread is all gone. We’ve nothin te eat. There’s a small sup of milk in the end of the bottle, but Jackser might want tha fer his tea. Better not touch it.

  ‘There’s no bread, Charlie. I’ll get ye somethin te eat in a minute, when me ma gets back.’ I tried te lift him then te give him a kiss, but he slapped me away an then started te tear his hands through his hair an cry louder. ‘Oh, look! There’s a bird in the sky!’ An he stopped cryin te look up towards the winda. But when he saw no bird, he was really ragin an started te cry even louder. The winda was too high fer me te get a look out, an we’d no chairs, so there was nothin te stand on.

  ‘Come on, Charlie! I’ll put yer trousers on,’ an he followed me inta the bedroom, still whingin. ‘Ah! They’re all wet, an there’s nothin else! I’ll spread them on the floor till they dry. Come on! We’ll go te the sittin room.’ He followed me in, still cryin. I couldn’t think of anythin else te do. So I sat him up on the bed an sat down beside him. He was cryin an scratchin his head, an lookin aroun him fer me mammy. There was nothin I could do. I looked over at the gas cooker. I wouldn’t be able te work tha. Ye need matches when the fire’s not lightin. An anyway, we’d be blown up. It wasn’t worth it fer the sake of a cup a tea. Then I thought of Jackser’s milk. Maybe he won’t know there was any in the bottle! I jumped up, givin Charlie a fright. ‘It’s all right! Ye’re all right. Look what I have fer ye!’ An I put the drop of milk inta a jam jar an gave it te him. The cups were all smashed. Jackser does tha when he’s drunk. He smashes up everythin. I took the jam jar from Charlie, an he screamed. He wanted me te get him more. ‘All gone!’ I said, holdin me arms out wide. I put the jar in the sink an climbed back on the bed. Charlie was quiet now, an I took his head an put him on me lap an stroked his hair. I was afraid te think of anythin. The worst could happen now if me ma is gone! So me mind just went blank.

  16

  I woke up an it was pitch black. The room was freezin cold, an there was only a strip of blue light comin in through the winda. Me heart was hammerin in me chest. Somethin woke me up. I tried te hold me breathin te listen. There it is! Jackser’s footsteps on the landin. An he’s tryin te get the key in the door. Holy Mother, grant tha he doesn’t kill us. I promise, if ye do this fer us, I’ll never be bold again. Me whole body was shakin. He fell in the door. ‘I’ve got a son! I’m a father!’ he roared. ‘Yer mammy has a lovely n
ew babby. He’s jet black an as brown as a nigger. He’s fuckin lovely.’ He fell aroun the room, an I was up on me knees in the bed, ready te spring. I didn’t care about him an his babby. I wanted te know if me mammy was all right. I couldn’t understand wha was goin on. But I had a feelin him an his babby were behind me ma nearly dyin. I knew now she wasn’t dead, or he would have said. But I still didn’t know if she was goin te get better an come home te us.

  ‘Here!’ Jackser says. ‘I brought back bread. You get down te the shop an get me a bit of black an white puddin. An hurry! Don’t be there till ye’re back!’ he roared.

  ‘OK, Jackser. I’ll get me coat,’ an tha’s when I grabbed Charlie an put him on his feet, still half asleep, an rushed him inta the bedroom. It was freezin, but he’d be safer in here, outa harm’s way. I put him inta the bed an covered him up te his neck. ‘Now, you stay there an go back te sleep, an don’t make a sound until I come inta ye. Then ye’ll be grand.’ I put me coat on an looked fer me shoes.

  ‘Get a fuckin move on! Wha’s keepin ye?’

  I rushed out, closin the door behind me.

  ‘Right! Here’s the money. I’m warnin ye! Don’t be long!’

  ‘No, Jackser! I’ll run all the way.’

  I was back in a flash! Jackser took one look at the puddin an screamed, ‘Tha’s the fuckin dear stuff. It’s wrapped! Where’s me change?’

  ‘There’s none, Jackser.’

  He picked up the heavy fryin pan an whacked me. I ducked me head, an he brought it down on me back. The pain sent me crashin down te the floor, an before I could get me breath he yanked me back on me feet by me hair. I was doubled up.

  ‘Get back te the shop an get the ordinary stuff.’

  I was winded an couldn’t straighten up. ‘Yes, Jackser!’ I tried te straighten an control the big sobs in me. Jackser hates ye te show pain or cry when he hurts ye. It makes him worse.