Lust & Trust: She thought he was worth the risk... Her friends didn't.

by Amanda Cain

  "I agree, sweetie. I love it here too. But what do you mean by normal? Is everything okay at home?"

  "Dad, things are fine. I was just talking about how calm and relaxing it is here." She was playing with her hair, twisting it around her finger, a nervous habit she only did when she was uncomfortable talking about her mom. “Do you think the pool is warm enough for me to swim?”

  I put my arm around her. "Sure is. I turned the heater on earlier just in case. We had a couple cooler nights lately."

  Not that it matters now, but I could never ask Melissa to testify against her mother; she'd end up resenting me.

  Chapter 19

  Emma

  At work, I had complained to Char. "It may be two weeks before I see Ryan again."

  She glared at me. "Dammit, I knew it!"

  "Knew what?" I asked.

  "Em, there's just something. I can't put my finger on it, but it's not right. I can tell he cares, but still, he isn't treating you right. Something is off and you either need to find out what that something is or walk away!"

  "Char, we talked about this. Give me some time."

  "I guess there's nothing like a good piece of ass to make a smart girl stupid." She shook her head but let it go.

  When I got home, Ryan was gone. The house had an eerie, empty feel to it. I was so proud when I bought this house on my own. It was my refuge from men, parents, and work. My little fortress against the world. Now it seemed desolate and lonely.

  There was a gift from Ryan on the table. After carefully untying the bow, I tore off the wrapping paper. Inside was the daintiest hand-painted hummingbird feeder I had ever seen. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness. How did he know how much I would love it! I guess he'd noticed the numerous bird feeders in the backyard. Michael criticized me, saying I had too many feeders cluttering my terrace, and here Ryan bought me another one. I missed him already.

  * * *

  "I can't believe Ryan hasn't called me!" I said, frowning. I was sure it wasn't the first time I had mentioned this to my neighbor, Randy. We went for a run with Sierra, and I took a quick shower when we got back. While I was in the shower, Ryan called, and Randy had answered my cell.

  I hadn't heard from Ryan since he left, and now he wasn't returning my calls.

  "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have answered your phone. Ryan is a beautiful piece of eye candy, sweetheart, but I'm not sure I like the way he treats you."

  "Not you too. You sound like Charlotte!"

  "Let's see, two people who care about you have the same reaction to this guy … maybe you should be listening."

  "I get it, but his life is screwed-up. I'm not sure exactly how or by what, but it is."

  "Em, why are you making it your problem?"

  "I'm not. There's something unique about him. I enjoy being with him. It's easy, and we have a lot in common. He is a little controlling, but not threatening or scary, just erotic as hell. Plus we have this great chemistry!"

  "Oh my God, are you in love with this guy? Is the Never-Date-A-Guy-Longer-Than-A-Year Emma that I know and love finally in love?"

  "Don't be ridiculous! The sex is just really, really great, and I am not ready to give that up!" Not sure who I was trying to convince, Randy or myself.

  "He has lied to you, he leaves and doesn't call for days at a time, he hasn't invited you to Chicago, you have no clue what he does for a living, and you say his last name is Smith." Randy shook his head as he took a sip of iced tea then put on his best gay routine.

  "Girrrl, you need to grow a pair!" Randy was by definition a man's man, and although gay, he had no feminine qualities and often had girls chasing him.

  I threw my pillow at him and laughed. I got how one-sided the relationship looked. If I set my gut instinct aside and looked at the facts only, I would have to admit all evidence pointed to Ryan being a jerk!

  "Take Friday off. Let's head up the mountain. We can hike and visit the art galleries … Oh, and there is a wine tasting in Conifer!"

  "Where's John?"

  "He's staying with his mom for the week, and you know that woman blames me for John being gay! I avoid her whenever possible."

  "Mind if Char comes?"

  "Well, a man hates to be outnumbered, but for a good cause, I'll survive."

  "Good cause?" I raised an eyebrow.

  "Yes, you're going to celebrate getting your self-esteem back, and I'm celebrating not having to be at John's mom's, and well, I'm sure Charlotte will celebrate sharing some excellent wine with good company." He laughed, raising his glass of iced tea toward me.

  We clinked our glasses together. "Deal," I said, hating the use of the word right after I said it.

  Randy and John had a small second home in Evergreen. We stopped and bought some groceries on the way. Bob had gone out of town on business, and Charlotte was giddy about sharing time together in the mountains as long as we didn't make her go hiking with us.

  We sat on Randy's deck, watching the stars. We were all a little tipsy, and for the first time since meeting Ryan, I felt relaxed without him. I was grateful to have friends like Randy and Char in my life.

  "To friends." I lifted my glass.

  "To friends," Randy and Charlotte repeated, each looking at me like a momma bear protecting her cub. The next morning, Randy and I left to do some hiking while Char went into town to shop.

  "What a great idea!" I said as we came off the trail. "The fresh air is exhilarating, and you were right, being here with you and Char has helped me feel a lot better."

  "So, are you ready to move on … maybe call Michael?" Randy looked at me like a little boy with a secret.

  "What? What are you talking about? I still want to see Ryan if I can figure out how to get him to talk to me again. I'm not sure what his deal is. And what's this about Michael?" I shook my finger at him.

  "I'm just saying, Michael's a good guy. And he’s not hard to look at either." He smiled.

  "Randy, are you and Charlotte working together, trying to get me back with Michael?"

  "No, but that means Charlotte likes him too. Truth is Michael called me. We went out for a couple of beers while he pumped me for information about you. The guy is in love with you, Em."

  "He is a great guy, but you can't force love. I care a lot about him, but my head isn't in the same place as his."

  "I know, sweetie, but this fucking Ryan guy better pull his head out of his ass. At this point, he is not worthy of all the chances you're giving him." Randy took my hand as we walked back to the Jeep.

  When we got back to Randy's, Charlotte was back from town and sitting on the couch noticeably upset.

  "What's going on Charlotte, what's wrong?"

  "Nothing, why?"

  "You look like you've seen a ghost. What's going on?"

  She looked at Randy. "Nothing, Em. You guys hungry? I bought some steaks and thought we could throw them on the grill."

  "I was hoping to go into town for dinner. John and I found this great new Italian place you would both love," Randy said.

  "Going out sounds good to me," I chimed in. "We can save the steaks for tomorrow." I glanced at Charlotte, who looked pale.

  "Then everything is settled," Randy added.

  "Great! I'm going to clean up first, but I'll be quick," I said. When I came back into the room, Char and Randy were whispering something, and now they both appeared upset.

  "What gives?" I asked.

  Randy paced the floor then nodded at Charlotte.

  "Emma," she began.

  Looking at Char's face, my stomach went into an instant knot, and I could taste the bile building up in my throat. What was going on?!

  "When I was in town today, I … I saw Ryan."

  "What are you talking about? Ryan's in Chicago. At least that's what he told me." I swallowed. My mouth had gone dry.

  "What did he say?"

  "I didn't talk to him. He was on his way into an antique store. I was standing across the street when we saw each other. Our eyes met f
or a second, but then he went inside, and I left."

  "Charlotte, why didn't you go talk to him? Confront him? But if you didn't speak to him and he was across the street, are you sure it was Ryan?"

  "I'm sure," Char said with conviction, not looking me in the eyes. "Em, there's more."

  I was not sure I wanted to hear anything else.

  "He was with a woman and two children. Two girls about thirteen or fourteen, I would guess. They were all holding hands."

  "It was eerie. I swear one of the girls turned and looked at me like she knew me. She looked a lot like Ryan."

  My chest felt like it had been ripped open and something was squeezing my heart.

  "That would explain things." I let out the breath I had been holding, letting things sink in. "The truck … he always had the same truck, which he said belonged to a friend. And his reaction, when I mentioned taking a trip to Evergreen; he literally spit out his drink! And … he grew up in Denver. Oh. My. God! He lives here, in Evergreen, not Chicago! It all makes sense to me now! I've been fucking a happily married man. A man with two daughters …" My tears started streaming down my face, the pain unbearable.

  Charlotte got up and put her arms around me. "I'm so sorry." Randy came walking into the room with a tray.

  "What this?" Char asked.

  "Long Island Iced Tea. Seems like a good night to grill some steaks and do some drinking!"

  I took the Long Island and drank half the glass in one sip. "Where is your phone book?"

  They exchanged glances. "We looked. He's not in the local directory or online."

  "Of course not." I faked a laugh. "I'm sure Ryan Smith is not his real name." I downed the rest of my drink.

  I awoke the next morning with a massive headache as the night's events came back to me. I went into the bathroom and threw up, unsure if it was from the drinking or what I had discovered about the man I had been … had been what? Fucking? Having an affair with? Falling in love with? I refused to answer, not even to myself.

  I walked into the kitchen where Char had brewed some coffee. She poured a cup and set it down in front of me.

  "You look like hell."

  I couldn't even force a smile for my friend.

  "Would you guys mind if we left?"

  Randy came into the room. "What will going home accomplish?"

  "I appreciate you guys, but I want to be by myself for a bit to wrap my head around this and make peace with it."

  "Sure, sweetie, but we should stop to eat. My stomach is queasy, and after everything you drank last night, you need some nourishment," Char said.

  Randy put his arms around me. "Honey, if I were straight and married, I might lie too, for a chance to be with you. Not saying it's right, just saying you'd be hard to pass up."

  "If you were straight, you'd be fighting off the women and wouldn't even notice me." I hugged them both. "Thanks. Especially you, Char, for not saying I told you so." I left to go pack my things.

  "I'm waiting for the wound to heal," Charlotte yelled after me. "Then I will be laying some serious I-told-you-so's on your ass!" A true friend, I could always count on Char.

  After packing up my Jeep, we left for town.

  We pulled in to the local restaurant, and in my hungover condition, I stumbled, trying to jump out of the Jeep. Randy rushed over and helped me down. We explained to Sierra she needed to stay in the car while we went to devour some much needed food. As we walked, Randy put his arm around me, joking that I might fall again if he didn't help me walk.

  Chapter 20

  Ryan

  Melissa and I went to town to meet Melony and Myla the next morning for breakfast. Afterward, we crossed the street to the antique store. I looked forward to spending some time with my sister and Melony. It would be good to focus on someone else.

  Melony, who was Myla's fourteen-year-old adopted stepdaughter, was two when Myla and Stan got together; her mom had died during childbirth.

  After breakfast we all held hands and ran across the street to the antique store—the same place I purchased Em's hummingbird feeder. Fuck, I didn't even know if she liked it. On my way into the store, I turned and saw Charlotte.

  She was standing on the corner across the street. I know she had seen me. We looked directly at each other. What should I do? I thought about waving, maybe even talking to her to try and find out about the guy Emma was dating, but then I figured it didn't matter. Emma had moved on. My good mood quickly dissipated.

  The next morning I got up before everyone else. Shit, I had barely slept. After seeing Charlotte, Em was all I thought about. Hungry, but not wanting to wake everyone, I grabbed my keys and drove into town for breakfast. I pulled into the parking lot when I saw them. Some beefed up guy was helping Emma out of her Jeep. He had his arm around her as they walked.

  Son of a bitch! I slammed my hand into the dashboard. Who was that buffoon with his arm around my Em? It wasn't Michael! Was this the douche she dumped me for? How long had she known this asshole?

  I wanted to follow them and demand answers. I deserved answers! I deserved answers? I was as bad as her when it came to lying! Guess we both dodged a bullet. I pulled out of the parking lot.

  I went back to the house and started to make some eggs and toast, slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen, too distracted to notice the noise I was making.

  Melissa stood in the doorway, watching me.

  "You okay, Dad?"

  "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

  She looked like an adult, wise beyond her years. "No, you're good," she said.

  I made everyone eggs and bacon. After breakfast, Melony and Melissa went to play and swim. "Don't forget the sunscreen!" I yelled at them as they rushed out the door.

  "What's going on, Ryan?" Myla asked after the girls were gone.

  "What do you mean, Sis?"

  She sighed. "Are we going to dance around this? Emma. Tell me about Emma and what's going on."

  "It doesn't matter. Emma has moved on, and it's just as well."

  "I know you …" She shook her head. "There is something here for you. You have feelings for her, so why are you so willing to call it over?"

  "I don't have a choice. How can I fight for her when I can't give her a real commitment? My daughter is the most important thing in the world to me, and I won't take any chances on losing her. I told you I talked to my attorney, and I'm screwed."

  "Lindsey’s been threatening you for years!" Myla fumed. "Do you really think she'd cut you off from seeing your daughter?"

  "I do. When she decided we were moving to Chicago, I agreed to go but refused to continue to live in the same house with her. She hired an attorney and told me I would never see Melissa again." I took a sip of coffee. "I bought the apartment in Chicago but had to stay at the house with Lindsey during the week. It was fucking crazy. It wasn't until six months ago that she agreed to let me move out."

  "Maybe we can get her institutionalized for being batshit crazy." Myla laughed. "When's the last time you slept together?"

  "Fourteen years ago." I ran my hands through my hair.

  "Shit, Ryan, are you kidding? I knew things were bad back then, but I didn't realize …"

  "Sis, the marriage has been bullshit from the beginning."

  "Why the fuck doesn't she want a divorce?"

  "I don't know … spite? Fear? I wish she would get counseling. Maybe she blames me for ruining her life. I thought I was doing the right thing back then by marrying her.”

  "I was just a kid, but I should have been a lot smarter about the money, the partying, and the women. Not that Lindsey cared about the women, but now it's another weapon she can use against me. I asked you here so we could have some fun, not talk about Lindsey and Emma. Lindsey is Melissa's mom, and she holds the power. I won't let anything, including any feelings I may have had for Em, jeopardize my being able to be with my daughter. Besides, I think my judgment of Emma was off. Maybe she's not the person I thought she was."

  My
la cleared her throat and nodded toward the door.

  Melissa was standing in the doorway. "Can Mel and I have some water or lemonade?"

  "Sure." I poured two glasses of lemonade. She took the lemonade, and for a brief moment, I thought I recognized sadness in her eyes.

  "I wonder how much of that she heard."

  "She is fourteen, and trust me, she is a lot smarter than you give her credit for."

  "Can we not talk about Lindsey or Emma and enjoy ourselves?"

  "Whatever, Ryan, but for the record, I still think you're making a mistake and being a pansy ass! I think Em could be good for you."

  Shaking my head, I said, "Well, it wouldn't be the first big mistake I've ever made."

  Myla pointed her finger at me. “Yeah, and you didn’t listen to me back then, either.”

  "Come on, let's take the kids for a hike." I kissed Myla on the cheek. "Go put your boots on, and I'll round up the girls."

  We didn't talk about Emma or Lindsey the rest of the week. Except for allowing the vision of Em with that jerk to torture me, I enjoyed my time with Myla and Mels. It had been too long.

  Melissa and I still had one night together after Myla left. I sat on the deck, enjoying the evening, when my daughter came out and sat beside me.

  "Dad?"

  "Yes, honey?"

  "Who is Emma?"

  "What do you mean? What do you know about Emma?"

  Melissa rolled her eyes. "I'm not a little girl, and I'm not stupid. The guy at the airport mentioned her, and you and Aunt Myla were talking about her. Do you love her?"

  "I'm not sure what you heard, sweetheart, but Emma is someone Daddy knew and went out with a couple of times. It didn't work out, and we went our separate ways. Nothing you need to be concerned about. And I don't want to hear any more about it."

  Melissa twisted a strand of hair around her finger and, thankfully, changed the subject.

  "It was fun seeing Aunt Myla and Mel. I'm glad they came."

  "It was, wasn't it? I don't get to spend enough time with Myla."

  "I wish I had a sister," Melissa said.

  "You do?" This was the first time Melissa talked about wanting a sibling. "But if you had a sister or a brother, I wouldn't be able to spend all my free time spoiling you." I joked, wrapping my arm around her and giving her a playful noogie.