Asylum

by Lily White

  “I fail to see how that has any relevance to what we’re discussing at the moment, Mr. Sutton.” Jeremy was obviously bothered by something Dain had said and his unusual reaction grabbed my attention. It was only on the rare occasion that I saw anything rattle Jeremy as much as Dain’s story was affecting him.

  Holding up a hand, Dain demanded, “Let me finish!” A harsh look was exchanged between the two men and I sat in reticence, not able to understand the sudden animosity that existed between them.

  Still eyeing Jeremy, Dain said, “You told me she’s been seeing a man in all of her regression therapies. It’s possible that…”

  “I think this is a conversation for us to have outside of her presence.” Speaking through clenched teeth, Jeremy barely held on to his tenuous control of his emotions. “We don’t want to suggest anything that could give her false memories.”

  Not giving a shit about Jeremy’s objections, Dain turned to me. “Is it possible that someone has been following you, Alex? Because if that’s the case…”

  “Yes.” I said the word quietly, but it was loud enough to steal the attention of both men. “I don’t know who he is, but I can feel him. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even know if he’s real, but he’s the image I always walk away with.”

  “Even if someone had been following her in the past, it doesn’t explain what happened last night and therefore, it has nothing to do with…”

  “No offense, Doc, but shut the fuck up!” Anger flashed over Dain’s expression.

  “I think we need to end this session, Mr. Sutton.” Jeremy stood up quickly, crossing the room without looking back and pressing a button in the wall near the visitors’ door. “I’m going to have to request that you leave.”

  Dain stood up, but refused to cross the room. “I’m not leaving my sister here if…”

  “If what? If there’s a mad man out there who’s been stalking her? Tell me, Mr. Sutton, how likely is it that her stalker, if one actually exists, was able to break into a maximum security facility and kill a nurse only to disappear in time to pin it on Alex? Why wasn’t this mystery killer filmed in any of the halls?”

  Finally stepping in Jeremy’s direction, Dain answered, “Maybe there’s a problem with this fucking place! I know how these facilities run. Abuse goes unnoticed all the fucking time, Doc! Maybe the nurse deserved what happened to him, maybe…”

  “We both have your sister’s best interests at heart, Mr. Sutton. I can guarantee you that we both would like her to have her freedom, but there are steps that must be taken…”

  “Fuck taking steps! I want her out now!”

  Jeremy stilled, his lack of movement of sound sending a chilling warning throughout the room. “If you don’t leave this room now, Mr. Sutton, I will personally escort you out. You tell me how the captain of your force will feel to hear that one of his detectives had to be physically forced from a state facility.”

  Tugging at my restraints, I was desperate to get in between the two men. Both were positioned in defensive stances and I wondered if Jeremy would make good on his threat.

  Dain huffed out, flashing me a sympathetic look while considering Jeremy’s words. Finally realizing that there was nothing he could do to stay, he slammed his fist on the table once more before storming out of the room.

  Once Dain was gone, Jeremy took several seconds to gather control of himself before turning back in my direction. Anger still swirled in his eyes, but when he spoke, his voice was back to the controlled tone I was used to hearing.

  “I apologize that you had to see that. I’ll be sure to call him after he’s had a chance to calm down. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to return tomorrow to see you.”

  My body wouldn’t stop shaking and I bit my lip to keep myself from yelling at Jeremy in defense of my brother. I could understand why Jeremy didn’t want me to hear those things, but I couldn’t deny that Dain had made a good point.

  “Do you think it’s possible?” I asked the question not truly expecting a response. It was obvious that Jeremy didn’t want to discuss the possibility that someone else was involved in all of this.

  Crossing the room, he knelt down in front of me and disconnected the restraints from the chair. Once they were free, he absently rubbed at the marks the leather had made on my skin. Minutes passed between us without anything being said.

  Finally standing up, he reached down with a hand to help me from my seat.

  “Let’s go back to the therapy room. I have something I want to discuss with you, but not here.” He spoke quietly and I wondered if he was trying to avoid being recorded by the cameras I knew were in the room.

  Clearing his throat, he spoke louder when he said, “Follow me, Ms. Sutton. Perhaps another session can help us answer your questions.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Whenever a thing is done for the first time,

  it releases a little demon.

  - Emily Dickenson

  The walk back to the therapy room was long and frustrating. Jeremy kept two steps behind me, no longer walking to my side as he’d done so many times before. I felt monitored for the first time by him¸ as if I were finally the patient that couldn’t be trusted, the mind that was so unbalanced I could turn at any second.

  Dain’s angry expression continued repeating in my thoughts. He was never one to lose his cool and to see it occurring as a result of something I’d done broke my heart. Adding to the weight of the nightmare my life had become was a small glimpse of my childhood, a memory that had most likely scarred my parents for years that I’d lost before I was even old enough to understand its significance.

  What had his friend done that was so bad it set my brother on edge so easily? Why wasn’t he aware of the severity of Jay’s actions until now? Had my parents lied to both of us in an effort to protect us?

  Keeping secrets from a five year old girl wouldn’t be hard. I was child. It would have been simple for me to tuck away whatever trauma occurred deep inside and pretend it was nothing more than a bad dream. But to keep it from a fifteen year old, to keep it from someone as inquisitive as Dain? That couldn’t have been an easy feat. The more answers that came out of this bullshit situation only produced more questions; ones I wasn’t sure could, or would, be answered.

  Moving up beside me, Jeremy’s hand fell on the handle of the therapy room door and he pushed the heavy partition open, stepping aside to allow me to enter first.

  Once the door had slammed shut and I heard the sound of the lock clicking into place, I turned on him, forcing as much authority as I could muster into my voice.

  “So tell me.”

  I jumped when I noticed how intently he was looking at me.

  “Why don’t we have a seat? It’ll be more comfortable than standing in the middle of the room.”

  I couldn’t help the anger that was steeping inside me. “Fine. Where are we going tonight, Doc? What horrifying bit of my life would you like to poke around in and explore?”

  Taking a long stride, he closed the distance between us. Placing his hand on my cheek, his eyes warmed with kindness and concern. “I’m trying to help you, Alex. I’m sorry if asking your brother to leave upset you, but you’re going to have to let that go before I tell you anything. What we do in this room won’t work if you are upset over something else entirely.”

  “Upset?” My voice shook and I was desperate to contain the rage and debilitating sorrow that it felt like was smothering me from the inside out. “How can I not be upset? Dain was my only constant. He was my strength and my tie to the world outside of this fucked up asylum. To see him so mad…” My words failed me, the deluge of emotion choking out my ability to talk or even think.

  Jeremy didn’t flinch in response to the maelstrom of emotion. “Let’s sit down, Alex. I can’t help you if you’re so upset.”

  Leading me to the red section, he allowed me to take my seat before closing the curtain around us. His choice in this room didn’t go without my notice. It w
as the safe area, the one without a bed or anything that could set me on edge. Taking the seat opposite of me, he patiently waited while I cried out all the frustration that had been building up inside me over the past few days. Hours could have passed, but it was more likely only minutes. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I coughed and sputtered over my own sobs. With swollen eyes and snot dripping from my nose, I looked up at him and smiled when I noticed the tissue he’d pulled from the dispenser to hand me.

  He returned the smile, waiting patiently for me to pull myself back together. “It feels good to let it out, doesn’t it?”

  “I’m not even sure what I’m letting out. I feel so tired, so confused about everything. I – I wake up in this place, I’m told horrifying things about myself, and I have no choice but to believe what people are telling me because I can’t remember it myself.”

  “You have been remembering it, Alex.”

  After scrubbing my nose with my arm, I accepted the second tissue he handed over. “What? No. I haven’t. The only things I know are the things you and a bunch of lunatics who live in this place are telling me. I can’t trust the staff, I can’t trust …”

  “You can trust me.” He paused, allowing his words to sink in before adding, “More importantly, you need to trust yourself.”

  Breathing out heavily, he pulled the glasses from his face, carefully placing them on a side table as he worked out what else he was going to say. Even in the dim light of the room, he appeared tired, circles appearing under his eyes that I didn’t recall having been there the day before. I wondered if this is what he felt like when he looked at me. I couldn’t stand seeing the pain and frustration that wrapped him like a second skin. I wanted to do anything I could to stop it. But I had nothing to give him, nothing to say that would erase the strain of everything I thought he was trying to do.

  “I’m a pain in the ass, aren’t I?” It was an attempt to alleviate the tension that was obvious in his body.

  He chuckled at my comment and I smiled to realize I’d provided him even a bit of levity to ease the stress that was so apparent inside him.

  “You’re not a pain in the ass.” His voice was rough from exhaustion, adding a seductive quality to his words.

  Pushing up from his chair, he moved across the small space and took a seat on the table facing me. Our knees brushed against each other and I focused on the points where our bodies touched. It was comforting when he was close by and in those quiet moments between us, I felt like the outside couldn’t invade to steal me away from the sanity his presence pulled out of me.

  Reaching across, he took my hands, saying nothing as he stared at them and brushed his thumb across my knuckles. “I think you’ve been misdiagnosed for a number of years,” he confessed.

  I was struck by the emotion in his voice, the fatigue and the apprehension that flowed from each syllable that was formed by his perfect lips.

  “After talking to your brother, I’d hoped to start the process of remembering the second sexual partner that died in your presence…”

  “Why wasn’t I arrested for the first? What happened that night, Jeremy? Why can’t I remember if they were wrong about the amnesia?”

  “Because you won’t let yourself remember.” He looked up at me and I sucked in a shuddering breath to see the look in his sapphire eyes. He was so close, yet so far; a man that I couldn’t help but want to touch. Every feature of his face and body was attractive to me. The way he moved, the way he spoke – even the distance that was between us wasn’t enough to stifle how I felt when I looked at him. In a matter of a few days, he’d become a safe haven of sorts. Out there among the patients and other staff I felt naked and afraid, but in here…

  In here with him, I had fleeting moments of normalcy. I knew he was my doctor, that there were lines we couldn’t cross, but even knowing that wasn’t enough to keep from thinking about him as something more.

  “The night that Bobby died, you were assaulted by not only him, but also two of his friends. You were drugged, Alex. The tox screens that came back revealed GHB in your system.”

  “GHB?”

  Still scrubbing his thumb over my hand, he studied my fingers, refusing to look up at me as he explained, “It’s a date rape drug, popular a few years ago due to the ease with which people could obtain it. Much like Rohypnol, it can affect a person’s thinking, releasing you from inhibition, or if enough is used, knock you out completely or at least, cause a black out. Basically, it affects a person’s memory. It’s odorless and colorless. It can be slipped into a drink without altering the taste. It’s especially potent when combined with alcohol.”

  Finally glancing up, the sympathy in his eyes was enough to make me shiver where I sat. He was telling me I’d been raped, revealing to me something that should have shattered every part of me.

  “So that’s why I can’t remember anything about that night? Because they drugged me?”

  “And that’s why you weren’t arrested for the crime. The doctors didn’t think it was possible that a woman under the influence of alcohol and GHB would be able to fight physically against three men who were much larger. You weren’t pinned as a lead suspect until the subsequent murder of Chase Wallace.

  “So all the deaths occurred at the same time?”

  He laughed, but it sounded more like disbelief than humor. “No. I said subsequent, which means they came later.”

  “Then what happened to Bobby’s friends? Were they killed?”

  Finally releasing my hands, he scrubbed his palms over his tired face before answering, “No. They ran, at least according to the security tapes at the front of the house, they ran. Unfortunately, based on what your brother has told me about the investigation, neither one has spoken about what occurred that night. As soon as they were implicated in your rape, or possibly Bobby’s death, their parents hired a legal team sufficient enough to keep them from having to confess. The rape and Bobby’s death are both considered open investigations. Without your input, the State Attorney can’t move forward. However, given the events that occurred after that night, you’ve become the only suspect.”

  “So why haven’t his friends finally confessed that I was the one who killed Bobby?”

  His eyes shadowed with an emotion I couldn’t place. “Because then they would have to admit they were involved in your rape.”

  An indignant chortle escaped me. “So, nobody gets in trouble because nobody is willing to talk. How perfect.”

  “You can talk, but I wouldn’t recommend it just yet.”

  “I’m crazy, doc…”

  “Not as crazy as you’ve been led to believe.” He studied my face for several seconds, his eyes tracing over my lips in such a slow manner that I swore it felt like he’d brushed his finger across them.

  “Unfortunately, the injuries you suffered as a result of the crash have complicated matters, but I don’t think it’s amnesia that’s blocking you from the memories of what happened that night or the years that followed. I think the trauma was too much for you, Alex. The fact that I can pull such detail out of you during our therapy sessions tells me this isn’t amnesia. However, until last night, I wasn’t willing to divulge that theory. Emerson’s death has thrown in another complication. I need to know what happened in that hall.”

  I wished I could tell him what happened, but looking back and digging through everything I could remember, it felt like nothing had occurred after being dragged from Ali’s room. If he was right, if there was something other than the brain injury that was blocking the memories from my conscious mind, then there was only one way I knew of that would help him obtain the information he sought.

  “Then drug me up.” Reaching out, I exposed my arm to him, offering him the vein he needed to introduce the drugs into my system. “If it will help you, then take what you need.”

  His hand gripped around my arm, his thumb lightly tracing the vein that was visible beneath the thin white skin of my arm. He watched the path he traced, not looking
up at me or saying a word in order to hide whatever it was he was thinking.

  After seconds of heavy silence he said, “Not tonight. Not after the tranquilizers they gave you last night. You need a break, Alex.”

  “Then why am I here, Jeremy?” His touch was exciting me, a lazy heat whispering through my body with each stroke of his thumb.

  Without letting go of my arm, he admitted, “I’ve been looking into something you said to me during one of your therapy sessions about Emerson and Joe.” His hand gripped tighter out of anger and I wasn’t sure he realized the pain he was inflicting on my arm. I forced myself not to react because I didn’t want him to stop talking.

  “It’s odd. I’ve researched the tapes of the wards at night. I’ve looked for evidence that the rapes of the patients were occurring. There’s nothing, Alex. Every tape shows the normal events that are expected to occur within a state institution. However, despite that, I can’t help but believe you.”

  “Have you tried talking to the other patients? They would tell you the truth.”

  “They’re not my patients to talk to. Yes, I control this ward, but there are other doctors, toes I would be stepping on to interject and interview the other residents of the institution. I’ve only agreed to treat you.”

  “How is that even possible?” I was whispering now, electricity humming through me from his close proximity. His voice had a way of soothing me, of making me believe that these moments were real and that everything else had been a bad dream.

  He laughed. “It’s like I told you in the beginning. I’m a psychiatrist not a psychologist or a counselor. My place is to oversee the medications prescribed to the patients, not to oversee their therapy or care. I’m in an administrative position, yes, but…” He sighed. “…it’s the problem with these types of places. You all are cast aside by society, by your families and friends, nobody cares enough to …”