Belonging

by Maria Bernard

  Piers quirked an eyebrow. “Lord of the Manor… you make it sound so trite. But I suppose it can be if you let it. That’s why at an early age I decided to do what I wanted with my time. I’m not like my father. I don’t give a fuck about appearances and status. Much to his dismay, I too took an interest in the arts. The performing arts, specifically. Can you imagine the old man’s horror when I declared I wanted to be a stage actor? He thought I’d lost my mind. The old guy nearly had a heart attack. First, his daughter disappoints him, then his only son decides to make a public spectacle of himself.”

  “Really?” Crispin asked, curious. “How did that turn out for you?”

  “Well, in the end, the old bastard was right. I’m rubbish as an actor,” he said with a shrug. “Still, I enjoy the theatre. Only now as a spectator and a generous patron and investor. You know, with your newly acquired wealth, you can support your band all you want. The best part of the deal is, you never have to worry about money again. You can tour in style. Just don’t spend it all at once. Mind you, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. After all, you’re worth billions.”

  “What the fuck?” Crispin swore.

  “Oh, yes, make no mistake, you, my dear lad are a multi-billionaire. You can say goodbye to your student loans or any other type of debt you might have. If you’re curious, I can show you just how rich you are. We can go over the books whenever you’re ready.”

  “Unbelievable…” Crispin muttered.

  “Just think about it, Crispin. Stay a few more days. Send Gwen off ahead of you. She’ll understand. Tell her that you need time to figure things out.”

  Crispin paled at the thought. “I… I can’t do that.”

  “Sure you can,” Piers insisted. “You’ve only just started out as a couple, right? Obviously, there’s tension between you already. Maybe whatever this relationship you have can wait. Perhaps you might even reconsider it altogether.”

  “What?”

  “Listen, you’ve literally just gone from rags to riches. You now have the world at your fingertips. You don’t need to tie yourself down just yet. Enjoy life a little before you settle. This little love affair you have with Gwen, it doesn’t have to be it for you. Besides, how much do you really know about her? How do you know she’s not more interested in your money?”

  “Watch your step, Piers,” Crispin warned.

  “Come on, you saw her face just now. You heard her reaction to the news of your inheritance. It’s obvious she already sees herself as Lady of the Manor. If I were you, I’d be suspicious of her intentions. Trust me, I’m just looking out for you.”

  Crispin couldn’t help but frown. “I don’t need you to look out for me! As you can see, I’ve taken care of myself my whole life. And as far as Gwen is concerned, you’d better back the hell off! I will not listen to your nonsense. You’re accusing her of being a gold-digger, yet she had no idea, prior to coming here that I was anyone of significance.”

  “You’re absolutely right,” Piers quickly backtracked, having underestimated Crispin’s opinion of the girl. “Please, accept my apologies.”

  “Damn right,” Crispin said. “And while I might consider your suggestion to stay on a few days, I don’t need your advice on my relationship with Gwen.”

  “I’ve overstepped myself. Once again, I apologize. I’m sure Gwen is a lovely girl. I suppose I projected my own experiences onto your relationship. This is why I prefer bachelorhood. Forget what I said. Don’t let it get in the way of why you are here.”

  “Why exactly am I here?” Crispin asked.

  “To find yourself, I imagine,” Piers said pensively. “Surely, you must have wanted to know from whence you came? At least now you know the circumstances behind your unfortunate beginnings. But before you decide anything, maybe you should just have a look around, spend some time here on your own.”

  “I have plans with Gwen. You and I are done for now.” Unable to sit still any longer, Crispin got up and made his way to her. She had spent enough time alone in the garden and he needed to apologize for having lashed out at her again. What was wrong with him, he wondered as he closed the distance between them. This place must be messing with his head and he was allowing it to affect him way too much. In a way, maybe Piers was right about him needing to be alone. In his current state of mind, he almost didn’t trust himself not to hurt her feelings.

  Hearing his approach, Gwen turned and met his gaze with apprehension. “Crispin–” Before she could say another word, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.

  “Forgive me, Gwen,” he said, resting his nose in her chestnut hair. “None of this is your fault, yet I’m taking my frustrations out on you.”

  “It’s not about the house or the money for me, Crispin.”

  “I know that,” he said into her hair. “I’m sorry I even went there. I don’t why I reacted that way.”

  “You’re confused,” she said softly. “It’s a lot to take in all at once.”

  “It’s got me all fucked up.” He chuckled at himself. “What the hell am I supposed to think? I wasn’t expecting all this.”

  “Of course not,” she said, rubbing his back. “It’s not fair to expect you to just slide into this role. You need time to digest all this information.”

  “Ahem…” Piers cleared his throat, interrupting their moment.

  “Make it quick,” Crispin said over his shoulder. “Gwen and I have plans.”

  “Oh, Crispin, we don’t have to go.” She drew away from him and smiled politely at Piers. “You should spend some time here on your own, to think things through before we fly back tomorrow.”

  “But what about Stonehenge?” Crispin hesitated. “You were so excited to see it.”

  “Let me take her out for the day,” Piers stepped forward and offered, catching them both off guard. “I agree with Gwen. You need to spend some time here alone, Crispin. Have a look around the place. Familiarize yourself with it. Let it all sink in. Jones will be more than happy to show you the grounds. Perhaps you’d like to see your mother’s room? Visit her gravesite?”

  “I… I don’t know.” The more he heard, the more conflicted Crispin became. He was torn with what to do. He wanted to be with Gwen. But he also felt he needed to investigate this situation, to familiarize himself with his mother’s home, and to visit her final resting place.

  “He’s right, Crispin,” she insisted, gazing into his eyes.

  “You’ll be okay on your own?” he asked, unsure of himself.

  “She won’t be on her own,” Piers insisted as he stepped forward. “I’ll take good care of her. What do you say, Gwen?”

  While she was hesitant to go off without Crispin, Gwen truly believed time alone with his thoughts was what he needed most. Dragging him off sightseeing felt selfish all of a sudden. Tomorrow, they were to return to Canada. Surely, Crispin should stay here to learn as much as he could about his past before making a decision about his future.

  “Gwen, just say the word and we’re out of here,” Crispin offered.

  “No, Crispin, your uncle is right,” Gwen said with a reassuring smile. “You should spend the day here. I’ll be fine.”

  “Of course, you will,” Piers declared. “Come along, Gwen. We should leave soon if we want to make it to both Stonehenge and Salisbury Cathedral today. There is a lot to see. I’ll just grab my car keys and be right back.”

  Crispin and Gwen watched Piers go and then he turned to her once again. “I’m not sure I like the idea of you running off with that clown.”

  Gwen could help the bubble of laughter at his choice of words. “Oh, Crispin! That’s your uncle you speak of.”

  “Uncle or not, I still don’t like it. I’ll kill him if tries anything.” As much as he appreciated the time alone to think, he couldn’t shake the sense of foreboding that came over him.

  “Crispin, he’s a perfect gentleman,” Gwen said, determined to set him at ease. “I’m sure.”

  “Right, well, he just better w
atch his step,” Crispin grumbled. “Seriously, Gwen, I would have loved to go with you today. But in a way, I think you’re right. I think I need to spend the day here. If anything, I need get to know the place where my mother grew up.”

  “Aww… Crispin, your poor mother. It breaks my heart to imagine what she must have gone through. So young… to be sent away from everyone and everything familiar to have her baby alone.”

  Crispin winced at her words. “Stop it, please. This is hard enough for me as it is. Allow me some dignity. If I’m going to cry, I’d rather not have an audience,” he said, blinking back the moisture from his eyes.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Gwen said with regret. “Now I no longer want to leave your side.”

  “I’ll be fine, Gwen,” Crispin straightened at the sight of Piers’s return.

  “Right then, shall we?” Piers said, standing a few feet behind them, dangling a set of car keys from his hand.

  “Go on, I’ll see you later,” Crispin encouraged her, leaning in, giving her a kiss.

  “I’ll miss you,” she whispered as he pulled away.

  “Don’t make me change my mind,” he said with a pout.

  “Gwen?” Piers interrupted, “Shall we?” He held out his arm.

  “Very well, let’s,” Gwen said, looking one last time over her shoulder at Crispin before tucking her hand into the crook of the eager man’s elbow.

  “See you later, Crispin,” Piers said. “Jones will be along any minute to point you in the right direction.”

  “Wonderful…” Crispin muttered despondently.

  Chapter 34

  Standing in the garden, Crispin took a deep breath and looked around him. No doubt about it, Harlow Manor was a gorgeous sight, from the architecture of the main house to the surrounding splendour of greenery. He could not help but be impressed. To think he might have grown up here caused a wince in his heart. His life would have been so different to the one he had experienced. For one thing, he wouldn’t have gone without for anything. Like his uncle Piers, he would have had the world at his fingertips. He wouldn’t have grown up in foster care. He wouldn’t have wondered why he had been abandoned.

  Yet gazing at his supposed real family’s land, he found himself missing his life in Kingston, even on the verge of longing for it, for its familiarity, its simplicity, and comforts. If he had grown up here, he wouldn’t have gone to Kingston University. He wouldn’t have met Kell, Keegan, Dorian or Becky. He would never have met Gwen. Those reasons alone were enough to abolish any further regrets. What was done, was done, and there was no point in dwelling on what-ifs. His only concern, going forward, was what to do with all this sudden wealth. This land, this house. Did he even want it?

  Of course, he did. He wasn’t a fool or too proud to dismiss its value. Trouble was, what to do next. Should he remain here? In a way, it would make sense. Surrounded by all this grandeur, he might never feel the need to return to Canada and all things familiar. After all, hadn’t that been his goal in the first place, to prove to himself he could make it on his own, to prove he could survive the absence of his friends?

  Only now, he realized it didn’t have to be that way. Hadn’t he spent his entire childhood alone? Hadn’t he already proven he could survive it? Question was, why would he ever choose to be alone when he didn’t have to? Being alone was overrated. As far as he was concerned, he’d had enough of it. He hadn’t been in control as a child. As an adult, he had a choice. What he wanted now, was love, and to surround himself with those who loved him, not run away from them.

  First and foremost, he was in love with Gwen, and knowing she loved him in return, that she wouldn’t abandon him, well, that feeling was what he had been searching for his entire life. She had filled the gaping big hole in his heart just when he needed it most, and he wasn’t too proud or daft enough to deny it. In her, he had found his soulmate, of that he had no doubt. Whatever decision he made would involve her, therefore he had to make it the right one.

  “Pardon me, Master Crispin, would you like to begin your tour?”

  Jones’s voice stirred Crispin from his thoughts and he smiled at the kindly old man. “Yes, good idea, I suppose we should. Lead the way, Jones.”

  ***

  If anything, Crispin learned that Jones knew everything about Harlow Manor and its surrounding grounds. He showed Crispin the impressive kitchens, introduced him to the staff. He then introduced him to the head housekeeper, who happened to be his wife Iris. No doubt, the man took great pride in working there. It was all he had known, apparently, and he didn’t mind sharing his concerns about Piers’s desire to hand it over to the National Trust.

  “Who knows what would happen. I fear they would retire us off and hire younger staff at a lower rate. Most likely, the private apartments would also be opened up for tourism. My wife and I would lose our livelihood and be forced to retire.”

  “Is that really such a bad thing?” Crispin inquired as Jones escorted him up yet another staircase. “Aren’t you both tired of coming here? Haven’t you dedicated enough of your lives to this place?”

  “This place is all we’ve known, sir,” Jones responded. “We both take great pride in working here. Not only that, I fear we would have to find another place to live. You see, we’ve had the privilege of residing on the premises for most of our lives. We wouldn’t know where to begin.”

  “Oh, I do see,” Crispin said pensively. “So, you’re really hoping I stay on and keep the place going since Piers wants to walk away.”

  “I can’t and won’t pretend otherwise, sir. Forgive me if it sounds selfish. I’ve been loyal to the family all my life. I would hate to see it all come to an end.”

  Crispin nodded in appreciation of the old man’s honesty. “So, I take it, you knew my grandfather well?”

  “Yes, I’m afraid so.”

  Crispin couldn’t help but chuckle at the apprehension in the man’s response. “Not much of fan, eh?”

  “I don’t like speaking of the Harlow family with disrespect.”

  “Oh, come on.” Crispin paused in front the latest door they approached. “You’re allowed to tell me. Technically, I am one of them. I’d like to know what I’m getting into. Go on, give me the inside scoop.”

  “Very well, Master Crispin.” Jones opened the door and gestured for him to enter ahead. “I was never a fan of your grandfather’s. The man was a heartless, cruel bastard!”

  Crispin couldn’t help but chuckle in response. “So I’ve heard… Hey, what’s all this?” Crispin asked, looking around the ultra feminine bedroom, decorated in its overwhelming pink and pastel hues, in the centre was a four poster bed covered in teddy bears. Before Jones could even answer, he felt a chill throughout his body, and he already knew in who’s room he stood.

  “Cassandra Harlow’s bedroom,” Jones said, watching Crispin slowly make his way around. He walked to the south facing window, the sun catching his long dark hair with its rays. “Your… mother’s room. I thought you might like to see it. She spent most of her days here. Quite often by the window, exactly where you’re standing. We’ve kept it just as she left it, under your uncle Piers’s orders.”

  Only half listening, Crispin ran his fingers over the drapes, the same ones he recalled from Piers’s photo. With a deep breath, he took in the view of the garden, the stables, and the forest beyond. “Tell me about my mother.” He turned and slowly made his way to the bed, his fingers hovering over the vast array of stuffed animals.

  “Cassandra… such a lovely girl,” said Jones with a sigh. “Terribly shy. But as you can see, she loved her teddies.”

  “Yes, it would seem so,” Crispin said, picking up a particularly scruffy bear from the middle of the others.

  “She hated dolls, though. Apparently, they scared her,” Jones chuckled fondly. “That’s Crispin you have there. Be careful, he’s very old, and despite being well-loved, he’s in a bit of a state, barely held together by a thread.”

  “Crispin?” he repeated with
a sad smile as lightly stroked the brown bear, sub-consciously bringing it to his nose. He should find it odd that his mother named him after her beloved teddy, but instead, the thought brought a wistful smile to his face. He had always liked his name, uncommon as it was. Now he knew why and he blinked back the moisture from his eyes.

  “Your mother’s favourite. She slept with him well into her teens. Others came and went. But Crispin Bear remained number one in her heart, bless her.”

  “A sentimental sort, she was,” Crispin said more to himself as he placed the beloved Teddy Crispin back in its place. He then ran his hand over his mother’s pillow.

  “Very… and very sheltered,” Jones said. “She and Piers were extremely close, too. She loved her little brother.”

  “Did you know my father? This supposed stable boy?” Crispin asked, making his way back to the window, studying the stables.

  “I knew of him,” Jones said pensively. “He wasn’t here long enough for any of the staff to learn much about him.” He joined Crispin at the window. “My wife Iris tells me he was quite the handsome devil. Your young mother fell hard. She hadn’t experienced much love or attention from her father. Her own mother died when she was only a child. I’m afraid it left her quite impressionable and vulnerable to the slightest attention, especially with your father being as handsome as Iris claims.”

  “Did he love her in the slightest, this handsome stable boy?” Crispin asked with a frown. “Or did he… did he simply take advantage of her?”

  “You grandfather claimed he took advantage and therefore had him sent away,” Jones said. “But Iris knows better. You can ask her yourself. The boy was only seventeen and quite smitten with your mother.”

  “Really?” Crispin asked. “How is Iris so sure?”

  “Well, she caught Cassandra sneaking off more than once to meet him. There was no stopping the girl either. And, well, Iris being the hopeless romantic, she couldn’t bring herself to tell on her. She knew Cassandra hadn’t experienced much joy, and apparently, she had never seen the girl so happy as the few times she had caught her sneaking back into her room at night.”