To the Steadfast

by Briana Gaitan

  “Oh, really?” I put my hands on my hips while giving her a smirk. “Did that include robbing houses?”

  She shoves the bottle against my chest. “Hang around long enough this summer and I guess you will find out.”

  There’s a playful twinkle in her eyes, and we both know the other is only kidding. For a moment, I feel like we could be friends again. Maybe she’s grown up a bit. Relishing in the nostalgia of it all, I wrap my arms around her.

  “I didn’t want to go. I want you to know that, but you know my parents. They threatened and manipulated me into going. What was I supposed to do? Runaway?”

  “Yes.”

  “I couldn’t, and after I got there I was miserable for days. Everyone else was about to go off for summer and I was having to spend the entire semester redoing my junior year. Everyone there was different than what I’d imagined. It wasn’t just a bunch of rich kids or nerdy students, they were a family. Like a real family. The one I always wanted.”

  She stands in front of me, a blank expression on her face. She slow blinks then shrugs.

  “Well, at least you finally got out of that place?”

  I close my mouth. That was not the reaction I was going for, but then again, Violet was never any good at deep, meaningful conversation.

  She tugs on my arm like a four-year-old. “Come on!”

  My car has long been sold, no doubt just to make me mad, but I happen to know where my mother keeps the keys to her perfect Jaguar—in the back of a kitchen drawer. Peeling out with no regard to the wear and tear on her car, we drive to a lake just outside of town.

  “What are we doing here?” The sun is high in the sky, reflecting off the brown waters. I’ve been to this lake dozens of times.

  “Remember a few years ago when we all decided that after we graduated we would jump from James Jordon’s Bridge?”

  “Yeah…” I don’t like where this conversation is heading.

  “Come on, a bunch of us are doing it.”

  She points to a group of fifteen or so teenagers. I recognize them all from school. Some are my age, a few are older. Among the crowd, I’m able to pick out a few faces I’d rather not see, one of them being Mischa. His body is a little more muscular and his hair is cut short around his ears. It’s a shame too. I loved his long hair. It completed his bad boy look perfectly.

  “What is he doing here?” I hiss as we walk over. I deliberately keep my eyes off Mischa and instead smile at the group of people.

  “He heard you were back and wanted to join in on the welcome back party.”

  “Thanks for the warning.”

  “Tell me you’re not still hung up on him.”

  I wasn’t.

  I’m not.

  I’m not sure what to think. My entire body is turning against me. It’s like every time I see him, he hypnotizes me. Sucking in a deep breath, I hold it as Violet announces my arrival. There’s a round of high fives and hugs. Elliot pushes his way to the front and looks me up and down.

  “Remember me?” he asks.

  Even though I want to, how could I forget? “Yes, Elliot.”

  His arm goes around my shoulder like now that I’m back in town we are automatically hooking up again. I try to pull away, but he steps with me. Somewhere in the mess, my eyes fall on Mischa. He’s standing back a good five feet, never coming any closer, but I can feel his gaze follow me as I struggle away from Elliot. I catch up with some old classmates and answer the usual questions like where I’ve been or what I’m doing back. The sun beats on my back, and with each passing second, the cool water begins to look more appealing.

  “Let’s jump!” someone yells. A beer is shoved in my hands, and I follow the group through the woods toward the bottom of the bridge. As I look up at the old metal bridge, I determine it’s a good few hundred feet in the air. Not many people have jumped from it, except the bravest, or should I stay stupidest. I don’t know what could have come over me to ever want to jump from that deathtrap. What used to thrill me now only scares me.

  “Are you jumping?” I ask Violet.

  She looks up, shielding her eyes from the sun. “Oh yeah, I’m gonna be the first. You excited?”

  “Eh, I don’t know if I feel like jumping. The water looks a little low.”

  “Don’t be a baby.”

  “Are you trying to kill me?”

  She gives me the stink eye, and for a brief moment, I wonder if she is. Uncomfortable, I turn to one of the girls standing beside me. Her name is Kate. We’ve gone to the same school since grade school. We’ve never really talked, but it looks like she’s part of the crowd now. The new Cody.

  “Are you jumping?” I ask.

  She doesn’t hesitate. “Hell yeah. Aren’t you?”

  Violet grabs the unopened beer in my hand and cracks it open. She shoves it in my hand and I reluctantly take a small sip before answering. “I’m not sure.”

  “Oh, she’s jumping.” Violet puts her arms around me and pulls me close. “She’s not backing down.”

  “Who’s jumping?” Mischa steps beside Kate and puts his arms around her shoulder. She looks up at him and lets out the most annoying and shrilly giggle. She really is the new Cody.

  I feel an eyebrow just begging to rise up, and I even have to close my eyes just so no one can see my eyes roll. The two of them? Kate is so homely. She isn’t incredibly hot or smart. She’s just boring. She was always just middle class normal, never standing out. What in the world would attract Mischa to her? Especially if he didn’t want me. Why her? My brain goes into overdrive as I try and figure it out. The next thing I know, Violet is elbowing me in the ribs, trying to hand me a joint. I grab it but immediately hand it off to Kate. I don’t touch the stuff anymore. As much as I try not to, I lock eyes with Mischa. They’re full of a playful concern. And questions. Lots and lots of questions.

  “I’m gonna go get another beer,” I tell them, motioning toward the huge cooler that someone has dragged down to the edge of the water.

  “I’ll join you. I’m out as well.” Mischa downs the last of his beer and crushes the can in his hands.

  How redneck.

  I’ll think anything just to forget how he makes me feel when I look at him.

  He follows me away from the girls. We’re silent for a minute, but eventually he clears his throat and begins the awkward conversation.

  “Violet mentioned you were back.”

  “Yup. Just for the summer.”

  “You going back to school?”

  “No,” I tell him. My voice gets a bit defensive. “I’m going to college. Why is everyone finding that so hard to believe.”

  He holds his hands out in front of him. “Whoa there. That’s what I meant. No need to get upset.” He grabs a beer out of the cooler and opens it for me before grabbing one for himself.

  “I heard your parents went all mental, sending you away to a boarding school.”

  “I’m lucky they didn’t do it sooner just to get me out of the way.”

  “I’m glad you’re back though.”

  I instantly think of his father, who’d been sent away before I left. I’d searched online for information regarding the outcome, but had come up empty handed.

  “Speaking of parents, how is Crumb?”

  Mischa’s back straightens and his face pales. “Dad is in jail for the next five years.”

  “What?” I’d never expected that, a slap on the wrist maybe. This is a small town which means these types of things are normally overlooked.

  “Yeah, I don’t really wanna talk about it.” He shifts slightly on his feet.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “About what happened that last night I was here—” My words are cut short by Violet screaming.

  “Jumping time!” puts her hands on either side of her mouth and gives out a huge whoop.

  Five or six of the kids begin the hike up the hill to the top of the bridge, but I stay in my spot next to Mischa.

  “Aren’t you jumping?” h
e asks.

  I shake my head. “I’m afraid of heights.”

  Violet strolls over and interjects. “I call bull. You’re not afraid of heights.”

  She was spying. I cross my hands in front of my chest. “You never asked.”

  She only scoffs and points up at the bridge. “You’re graduating. We made a solemn vow to jump off that bridge when we graduated. You’re not gonna go back on that promise, are you?”

  There’s something in the way she says it. It’s as if she’s putting me down. She has no room to talk. She forgets one thing. I don’t back down to a challenge. I shove my beer in her hands, bite down on my tongue, and pull my tank top over my head.

  “Fine. I’ll jump.”

  Walking across the bridge in my bathing suit is the easy part. As I lean over the edge and look down into the murky waters, a rush overcomes me. The adrenaline in my body triples, leaving me light headed and slightly out of breath. This feeling, I haven’t felt it in so long. It’s unexplainable, but it feels good. This invincible feeling where I feel alive again. I’ve lived in the same routine for so long. Study, study, study. I never gave myself the time to have fun. The time to do something so stupid and reckless. I can see Violet swimming to the shore. Her jump went smoothly, so what’s the worst that can happen?

  “You staying in town long?” Kate asks, startling me. I lean away from the edge. There’s a sort of jealousy in her voice as if she’s gauging how long I’m gonna be a threat.

  She can squirm it out. “Not long. You?”

  “I’ve decided to stay in town. Mischa and I are thinking about getting our own place.”

  I want to laugh, but I keep a straight face. She’s saying this to get on my nerves, which means Mischa must have told her something about us. “You and Mischa, huh? How did you guys meet?”

  “Oh, he worked at the local gas station by my house. I’d go in there to fill up and we’d talk. He finally asked me out after weeks of mindless flirting.”

  “That’s cool.” I couldn’t be more uninterested. Maybe Mischa really did get over his phobia of dating. It just hurts he couldn’t have done it with me.

  “You jumping or not?” Kate asks as she gathers her blonde hair into a ponytail.

  “Um…yeah. Just trying to gather the courage.”

  She gives a small laugh. “Come on, it’s not like anyone has died or anything.”

  Wait? Had they? I try to remember any news on the bridge, but current events aren’t at the top of my list these days. “Are you serious?” I blurt out, but it’s too late.

  Kate has already jumped. I peek over the edge, my heart beating wildly as I wait for her to resurface. This is stupid. I made some dumb promise to jump years ago. I made a lot of dumb decisions back then. Sleeping with Mischa was one of them. Doesn’t mean I have to go through with the jump. A few other kids take their turn, and the next thing I know, I’m alone. My knees are locked, not allowing me to move.

  Everyone is yelling, and I think they’re yelling at me to jump. As their screams become a little angry, I take a deep breath and push off the edge of the bridge. I don’t think. I don’t react. I just close my eyes and do it. The wind whistles in my ears as I fall. Down, down, until I feel the water sting my legs and arms. As the water hits my face, the air is knocked out of my lungs and water is forced into my nose and mouth. My body wants to instinctively take a breath, but I try and force the feeling back down. A little water still manages to make its way into my nose and as I kick to reach the surface, my lungs begin to burn for oxygen. Seconds pass, but still no air. As soon as I break the surface, I begin to cough and sputter up the little water I managed to swallow.

  “Cody!” someone screams before I go back under. I wave my hand in the air, hoping someone will take it as a sign. I’m still struggling to stay afloat, but most of my concentration is focused on trying to get air and not suck in the water. This is it. I’m gonna die.

  I manage to get back to the top and stay afloat for a few seconds while I cough before going back under again. As the water engulfs my face, someone grabs my arm and pulls me up. I don’t have to open my eyes to know it’s Mischa. I wrap my arms around his familiar shoulders and bury my head into the crook of his neck.

  “Shhh. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

  I don’t reply because I’m still coughing. He swims me to the shore which is a good hundred or so feet away. Once we’re on the grassy bank. I wipe the water from my eyes and sit up.

  “Oh, shit!” Violet says, rushing to my side. “Cody, that was the scariest thing ever. Are you okay?”

  I nod and take a minute to calm myself down.

  “Mischa jumped in the water as soon as you hit.”

  I look up at Violet then over at Mischa, who is standing a few feet away with Kate.

  “Why? How did you know?”

  “He saw you hit the water. When you jumped, your entire body leaned forward. A little more and you would have belly flopped. I bet it hurt when you hit the water.”

  “Yeah. Water went right up my nose.” I roll my neck to stretch out the muscles as I stand. “I want to go home.”

  “Really? A bunch of us are gonna build a fire. Don’t be a party pooper.” Violet tries to pull me into a side hug, but I push away. I don’t want anyone touching me right now.

  “Stay, but I’m leaving.”

  Mischa catches my eye. “You can’t drive. I’m gonna take you home.”

  I swear Kate’s eyes flash with something evil. “But I thought we were gonna hang out.”

  “Cody can’t drive in her condition.”

  My face reddens as I wrap a towel around myself. “I’m fine, Mischa. Really.”

  He doesn’t hear me or if he does, he doesn’t care. “I won’t take no for an answer. I’m driving you home.”

  I don’t want him to drive me home. I don’t want to be alone with him. Being wrapped up in his arms was bad enough. I’m not sure I can control myself any longer.

  “Let me do it, you can stay here with everyone else.” Elliot steps forward. I do not want to be alone with him either. Something about the way he stares at me gives me the creeps.

  “You’re not touching her,” Mischa growls at Elliot.

  I walk away, hoping they will get the hint, but someone follows me through the trees.

  “I told you I’m fine!” I yell to whoever is behind me.

  “I need to make sure.” Mischa follows behind me at a close distance.

  When I reach my car, I try to jump in the driver’s side before Mischa can stop me. He’s too quick. Before I can get the door open, he lifts me up and moves me out of the way so he can get inside.

  “It’s rude to leave your date hanging.”

  He motions for me to get in the car so I step around to the passenger side and get inside.

  He starts the car and turns to look at me. “Kate will understand. You’re my friend.”

  I laugh. “She seems to think you two are one step away from moving in together.”

  His brow furrows in confusion before he shakes his head. “Well, she’s sadly mistaken.”

  “Just drive and be careful,” I snap. “This is my mom’s car.”

  Once we’re on the road, Mischa keeps looking over at me. It’s pissing me off. We didn’t leave on good terms, so things can’t magically be okay.

  “Why are you doing this?” I demand, after he sneaks the millionth look at me.

  “Doing what? You almost drowned, and I’m taking you home.”

  “Would you rather douchebag Elliot drove you home?”

  I consider his words. “What do you want? You want to sleep with me and make empty promises before dropping me for someone else the first chance you get?”

  He leans his head back and stares at the sky. “I missed you. I miss hanging out with you on the weekends. I miss yours and Violet’s sleepovers and our late nights.”

  “Don’t say that,” I dare him. I can’t take his lies.

  “I missed you.”


  I struggle to keep a straight face, but his confession tugs at my heart. “I missed you...a little, but I’m not sure we can go back to being just friends.”

  “Who said we had to be just friends. There’s always friends with benefits.”

  My throat aches. Being with Mischa was one of the best nights of my life, and here he is offering a repeat performance with no strings attached.

  “What happens at the end of the summer?”

  “We don’t think about tomorrow, and your father can’t find out about us.”

  “Why not?”

  He reaches out to stroke the side of my cheek with his hand. His eyes are sincere, and until now, I hadn’t realized how much I missed him. I would do anything for him, and a part of me will always be attracted to him.

  “He just can’t.”

  I don’t understand what my father has to do with us being together, but I let it go.

  “Thank you by the way,” I whisper, turning to look out the window at the trees passing by.

  “For what?”

  “Saving my life.”

  He lets out a puff of air and leans back in his seat, adjusting the recline so he’s sitting back further. It’s not until he begins fiddling with the radio that I realize he’s not going to acknowledge my gratitude.

  “You don’t have anything to say?”

  The muscles in his neck tighten and then relax, and I can plainly see the internal struggle within him. Hot and cold.

  “You don’t have to be nice, Cody. I’m not a guy worth being nice to.”

  I reach out and set my hand on his forearm. “I don’t believe you. You’ve always watched out for me and Violet. Sure, you’ve done some shitty things to me, but you saved my life. No one else swam out to me. You did.”

  I can’t believe I’m sticking up for him. I’m basically forgiving him for the things he said to me last year, but as I say the words I know I’m over it. He was my first. We’ll always have this between us.

  He grabs my hand and brings the back of it to his lips for a soft kiss. “I’m no good for you. I don’t deserve to be in anything you dream, but I want to be.” He keeps looking at me, making me squirm.