To the Steadfast

by Briana Gaitan

“What?” I check the overhead mirror in case there’s something on my face.

  “Nothing.”

  A sharp laugh escapes my lips. It was never entirely Mischa’s fault. Violet dragged me down a dark path full of parties, boys, and late nights. I let myself get caught up in the thrill of it all. I’ve only been back in town for a day and almost jumped to my death.

  “You can take this friend with benefits proposal and shove it.”

  He doesn’t look convinced and after studying me for a moment, he jumps out of the car and rushes around to open the passenger door for me.

  “I’m not gonna give up so easily, Cody,” he whispers as I step out.

  Swallowing, but not letting the cold expression on my face falter, I look him in the eyes.

  “If you want me, you want all of me, and I want all of you. I don’t want the easy parts.”

  “What if the easy parts are all you can handle?”

  We’re not getting through to each other so I turn away. “I’m going to take a nap. I was up most of the night watching TV.”

  “TV?”

  “I haven’t watched TV in over a year. They don’t allow it at school. Rots your brain or something.”

  I unlock the front door and walk inside. Mischa follows without being invited in.

  “Mind if I take a nap with you?”

  It feels like a challenge and only because he can’t see my face, I smile as I walk up the stairs to my room. “Just a nap?”

  “Just a nap. I can’t get any sleep at my parents. My mom makes too much noise.”

  “I can believe that.” I remember how his mom wanders around at all hours of the night and day talking to herself. “Why do you still live there?”

  He takes off one shoe and then the other. “My dad let them both down, I guess it’s my turn to step up. I can never abandon her. She’s too sick.”

  Scooting across the bed, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and press up against his back. “You’re sweet, no matter how hard of a douche bag you try to be.”

  “Douche bag? What are you twelve?”

  “Just go to sleep.” I push him down on the bed and hover over him for a second. My fingers trace the edge of his T-shirt. They itch to pull it up over his chest. They itch to grab his face and press our lips together like this past year never happened, to hold him like I used to before things got complicated.

  “What are we doing?” I ask. “I just got back and I’m already jumping into bed with you.”

  “Hey.” He holds his hands out. “It’s just sleeping.”

  With a long groan, I walk into my bathroom and change into an old shirt. If you’d have asked me three days ago if I’d let Mischa Cromwell back into my bed, I would have spit on you, but seeing him again has confused every part of me. I turn off the lamp on my bedside table and lay down with my back to him.

  “Sweet dreams,” Mischa calls out from behind me.

  I wait for him to press against me or at least cross the line, but he doesn’t. I’m left empty and longing, and I close my eyes, drifting in and out of a restless sleep.

  When I wake, Mischa is gone. The only trace of him ever being here is the slight indent on the other side of the bed. I reach my hand out and stoke the sheets, pretending he’s still there. It’s still warm. The scent of motor oil and fruity gum still permeates the pillow. An insistent ringing of the doorbell sounds through the house. Pulling on a pink robe, I walk down the stairs. I can make out Killian’s stature through the window. I’d completely forgotten we were gonna hang out tonight. I pull the door open.

  “I’m so sorry. I fell asleep and lost track of time.”

  Killian holds up two brown bottles and pulls a bar of chocolate out from the pocket of his Hawaiian print shirt. “No problem, I brought snacks for a quiet night in.”

  “Sounds great.” I step back to let him.

  “Did you have a lazy day?” he asks.

  I decide not to mention my day with Violet, especially not the part about Mischa.

  I finally settle on, “It was pleasantly uneventful.”

  He shoves a cold bottle in my hands.

  “What’s this? Root beer? What happened to only drinking Killian’s lager?”

  He pops the top off and tries to hold back a smile. “Root beer goes better with ice cream.”

  “Oh, gross. Did you try beer and ice cream?”

  We walk into the living room and he begins pulling not only a chocolate bar from his pockets but a handful of kisses from his pants pocket, a fruit and nut bar from his back pocket, and a box of chocolate covered almonds from his waistband.

  “You are a life saver!” I grab a few of the chocolate kisses, unwrap one, and pop it into my mouth. “So really, why are you drinking root beer?”

  “A lot has happened since you’ve been gone,” Killian says. “A lot of stuff I’d rather not explain.”

  “I suppose if you don’t want to.”

  “I don’t.”

  I briefly wonder if this has to do with the girl at his house the other day or why he’s suddenly drinking root beer. Last year, you couldn’t pry a good beer out of his hands. Has Killian Carmike finally grown up?

  “How are your parents? Are you still in school?” I twist off the top of my drink and we both sit down on the couch.

  He turns on the TV and kicks off his shoes. “Dad is busy campaigning for the election so it requires me to be in town as much as possible so I can help. School is a waste of time.”

  “Change your major again?”

  “Business.”

  “Wow. Why business?”

  “It’s a stable degree.”

  “Sounds like your Dad talking.”

  Killian raises his head and lowers his voice to mimic his father’s. “Son, you need to do something better with your life. Stop dicking around.”

  Hearing the word dick come out if his mouth causes me to laugh. I can’t imagine his father ever saying that.

  “Your parents haven’t visited you?” he asks.

  “Nope. Mom is too busy trying to stay young with the latest miracle drug. My father works like crazy though he is insisting I work with him this summer so I know what I’m getting myself into. I’m going to go visit my Nona in the morning though. At least she’d be happy to see me.”

  The movie we watch is completely boring. Something about the end of the world and lots of crude jokes, but I get through it. When it finishes, Killian flips off the TV.

  “Have you checked out the subdivision yet?”

  I completely forgot about our place. I wonder if they’re still building houses over there. “No, what does it look like?”

  “Finished two more houses and sold that big one we were watching them build. It’s beautiful. Sometimes I go out there during the day and watch them work on it.

  “I’ve got an idea!” He jumps up and pulls on my hand. “It will be just like old times.”

  “What?”

  He leads me out the back porch and into the yard. He points up to the roof, and just outside his bedroom window is a small blanket and two lawn chairs. The outside of his window is decorated in Christmas lights. Yellow bulbs blinking against the night. “I knew you’d come back one day.”

  “Old times,” I whisper.

  He stands behind me, his hands resting on my shoulder. He leans in, breath hot on my ear as he speaks. “Do you remember?”

  I close my eyes and nod. Hanging out with Killian was so simple and relaxed. I didn’t have to try so hard to be someone else. “I remember.”

  He walks around and stands in front of me. “What do you remember?”

  I tilt my head to the side and pretend to be deep in thought. “Shit talking, the usual.”

  “Do you remember this?” he moves his hands down the side of my head and around the back of my neck.

  He’s never touched me like that before, and a flurry of butterflies take over my stomach. I don’t know if I’m nervous, excited, confused, or intrigued. “No... I don’t remember th
at.”

  His hand moves down my shoulder and I reactively take a step closer to him.

  “Do you remember this?” he bends down and presses his lips against the base of my neck. A tingle shoots through my body at his touch.

  “No,” I repeat breathlessly. I want to stop him, ask him why he’s crossing our fine line. The line we’ve never crossed before, but I don’t. I want this, more than anything else. Killian has always been attractive. Soulful eyes, cheesy grin, and amazing abs. All superficial things, I know. Yet he was there for me when things were bad. Some might even say he was my best friend.

  “Good.” He presses one last kiss against my collarbone before blowing a raspberry against the crook of my neck.

  Pushing him away with both hands, I scream. “Killian! Why’d you do that?”

  There’s a mischievous twinkle in his eye as I slam him back against the house.

  “Stop dicking around!” I say in a deep voice like he had done earlier. I hit him in the shoulder once more and he grabs his shoulder in pain.

  “Ow! Geez, Cody. I was only joking around.”

  With an annoyed sigh, I spin around and walk away. Why did he have to do that? Make me feel something that, until five minutes ago, didn’t exist. I didn’t have feelings for Killian. Correction, I don’t have feelings for Killian. There’s never been anything sexual between us. Or has there been, but I’d been so hung up on Mischa I never saw it?

  “Race you to the window!” Killian calls.

  I don’t answer but begin running. He’s gonna go around the house, but I’m gonna go through it. My way is faster. The side gate that divides our houses always gets jammed and only I can open it on the first try. When I tear through the front door, Killian is already in his yard running up the steps to his house. He wins. I pause and make the rest of the trip in a slow walk. I hate losing, but he’s taller, faster. Maybe going through the house was a bad idea.

  “I’ll let you win,” he says and moves so I can enter the house first.

  The next few days are relaxing. I spend my mornings at the senior center with Nona, playing card games or reading to her. In the afternoons, I lay by the pool. Killian has been busy helping his dad campaign at events all over the district, but his little shrine on the top of his house has stayed intact, lights and all. It calls to me, begging me to come up there. Violet and Mischa have both been unusually quiet. Neither have come by, and I still haven’t given my cell number to anyone. Lydia and Suzanne are scheduled to make an appearance on Friday so I enjoy the little bit of privacy while I can. I also go to the local grocery store and pick up a prepaid cell phone. My father has sent a few text messages asking me to come down to his office and work with him. An internship with him would look good on my transcripts, but every time I think of college, I get a little sick to my stomach. I should be excited, not dreading the upcoming year.

  On Friday, when my friends show up, I’m dying from boredom. I’d forgotten just how mind numbing this place could be. I pull into the driveway with Nona in the passenger seat. She’s coming home for an afternoon together for my birthday, and I can’t wait for her to meet my friends from school.

  “You are gonna love Lydia and Suzanne. They were so welcoming when I started at St. Cecilia’s.”

  Nona pats my leg. “I will. Has your father called to wish you a happy birthday yet?”

  He hasn’t, and I don’t expect him to. She takes my silence as confirmation that he hasn’t reached out and shakes her head. “He must be busy. My son wasn’t so good at the emotional things in life.”

  I’m doing everything he wants and asks. Calling on my birthday shouldn’t be such a big deal.

  “Are you ready for college? A big step in life.”

  “I suppose.” My voice is monotone as I put the car in park. Killian told me to stand up for myself and major in what I want before it’s too late. Ever since he mentioned it, I keep wondering what would happen if I went to nursing school like I want.

  “You don’t sound too enthused about it.”

  “I’ve been thinking about not going.”

  “But you have to go to college.”

  “I know, but I don’t really want to be a doctor.”

  Nona pats my hand. “I had a feeling. Your father can be persuasive at times to get what he wants, but if you want to be a nurse don’t let him stand in your way.”

  “I know. I just don’t want him to be mad at me.”

  “He will get over it, and if he doesn’t, I will have a talk with him.”

  I give her a tight smile. Nona can be scary when she gets angry, but at her age, I don’t want her getting too worked up or worrying about me.

  Lydia is sitting on the hood of her silver midsized rental car and jumps up as I get out of the car and rush over.

  “I am so, so sorry, guys. The traffic was horrible.”

  Lydia waves a hand at me. “It’s okay. We haven’t been here long, but Suzanne has already taken up with your hot neighbor over there.” She points to the front steps where Suzanne sits talking to Killian. I take a deep breath, my eyes never leaving the couple.

  “Um….what’s going on there?”

  “I don’t know. He came over. She began flirting and voila!”

  Sometimes I forget that Suzanne knows nothing about my life before St. Cecilia’s. She probably has no idea who he is to me. Not that he is anyone to me except my friend. Still, I feel a little protective over him. More like a bit territorial.

  Killian and Suzanne rise and walk over. Suzanne looks perfect with her hair pulled up into a tight bun. She’s wearing a pair of short shorts and a collared polo. Killian winks at me.

  “You made an old lady get out of the car by herself?” Nona says, walking over.

  “Nona! I’m sorry. I forgot you were there.”

  “It’s okay. Seems everyone forgets about me these days.” She turns to see Killian walking over. “Ooh la la. What do we have here?”

  I hold back a very unflattering snort. Nona always did have a thing for a good-looking guy.

  “Nona, this is Killian. He lives next door. And this is Suzanne and Lydia from my school.”

  Nona pats the girls on the back but throws her arms around Killian. “I’ve been telling Cody I need a strong man to help me into the house.”

  Killian winks at me and hugs her back. “Well, any Nona of Cody’s is a Nona of mine.”

  “Young man, you can just call me Jane.” She lets out a low whistle.

  I hook arms with Lydia. “Well, girls. I have lunch inside. Let’s have a nice, quiet meal.”

  Out of politeness, I turn to Killian. “Would you care to join us? The girls have to get back home in a few hours, but we were going to have cake and ice cream first.”

  Suzanne blows out and uses her thumb to point down. “Cody won’t take us anywhere. She’s being selfish with her cute little town.”

  “Trust me, you aren’t missing much,” I mumble.

  Killian shrugs. “She’s right. Betty is a boring place. I can’t stay anyways. Places to go. People to see. Senators to promote.”

  I don’t argue, but am sort of curious as to where he’s going and who he’s seeing. “See you later, Cody.”

  With a wave, he walks off leaving both Nona and Suzanne salivating.

  “You two are despicable,” I say with a laugh.

  “How come you never mentioned you live next to that?” Suzanne asks as everyone follows me into the living room.

  “Next to Killian? Because it’s Killian. He’s lived next door to me my entire life.” I attempt to change the subject, not wanting to chat about my next-door neighbor anymore. “How was the flight in?”

  I hand everyone a plate to begin filling up.

  Lydia leans against the counter and begins chatting. “It was uneventful, and my internship is boring. I haven’t met a single actor.”

  “It’s only been a week. You have the whole summer ahead of you.”

  “I suppose, though I did talk to Tucker Jones on
the phone for like a minute.”

  Nona holds up a hand. “Tucker Jones. Is he that blond-looking kid who plays a vampire?”

  We all giggle. No matter how hip and into it Nona tries to be, she will never be able to keep up with all this pop culture.

  “Nona, Tucker Jones is on that show Timelines. He has the dark hair.”

  “Oh.” She pretends to get it, but I know she still has no idea who I’m talking about.

  The rest of the afternoon is spent catching up. We chat about school, catch Nona up on all the latest movies and music, and even gossip a little. Suzanne even invites us all to spend a week at her parents’ Hampton beach house later in the summer, but as the evening approaches, my friends are forced to leave.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I complain.

  Lydia gives me a long hug. “I’m only three thousand miles away. Call anytime and don’t fall back into bad habits.” She whispers the last part into my ear.

  Suzanne gives me two air kisses, one on each cheek. “I’ll be in Europe for the next month, but I may have sporadic service. Call anytime.”

  Nona gives them both hugs and makes them promise to come back and visit with me at least once during the school year. After the girls are gone, I help Nona back into my car so I can get her home before dinner.

  “You seemed sad to watch them go,” Nona points out as I drive.

  “I was. I’ve seen them every day for the past year. It’s hard to be away from them.”

  “But you have your friends here. I suggest you have yourself a romantic wild rump before going off the college.”

  “Rump? I don’t believe anyone uses the word rump anymore.”

  “What is it you guys call it then? BDSM?”

  I cough on my own spit, almost having to pull the car over to catch my breath. “Don’t ever repeat that word.”

  “Why not? Isn’t that what you young folk call it?”

  “No, we don’t. I suppose some would call it a friend with benefits situation.”

  “That’s what I said. Anyway, have yourself some fun. Lord knows your mother and father could have used it a time or two.”

  “Well, I do I have one guy in mind, but it’s complicated.”

  “Your neighbor boy?” Nona grabs my hand with a little too much enthusiasm.