To the Steadfast

by Briana Gaitan

  “Cody? What are you doing here?”

  “I heard about the accident.” Biting my bottom lip, I put on a brave face even though the smell of this place makes me nauseous.

  “We climbed out onto the roof a million times. I had to fall the one time you weren’t there.”

  “I can’t believe you still hang out up there.”

  “Always,” he says in a hoarse whisper.

  “Does it hurt?”

  “They have me on so many drugs.” He laughs briefly before wincing. I can’t tell if it’s from pain or sadness.

  “How is life?”

  “I was supposed to graduate in a few months. Looks like it may be pushed back a little bit.”

  “Oh, Killian. Why were you out there? We aren’t kids anymore. ” I take the last few steps to close the gap between us and put my hand on his. “You’re practically an old man now.”

  “Ha, ha.” He rolls his eyes with very little amusement. “Sometimes I go out there, you know. Just to think.”

  I can’t hold it back any longer. With movements so gentle, I stroke his cheek with the back of my hand. “Sometimes I think about that day. If I could take it all back.”

  “Cody. Please don’t.”

  I put my hand up to stop him. “It needs to be said.”

  He nods to let me continue.

  “If I could take it all back, I would. I would have stayed out there on that rooftop with you forever. I could have been happy with you.”

  He stares up at the ceiling. Each passing moment is hell. “Are you happy now?”

  I look behind me at the door frame. I don’t know who or what I’m looking for, but a part of me feels ashamed to answer his question. “Yes, I am. At least I think I am. I met a man.”

  “I’m happy for you. What’s his name?”

  “His name is Bassam. He’s a scientist, or soon to be scientist. You’d like him.”

  “Good, I’m glad. I’m just happy you aren’t pining over Cromwell anymore.”

  I don’t want to talk about him today. It just reminds me of the shame I put myself through. “Me, too. He’s so out of the picture. I haven’t talked to him in so long.”

  “He had a baby with Kate last winter.”

  “Oh?” I’m at a loss for words. Unsure as to if I care or am happy for him. I remember that it hurt. Being around him hurt. Being without him hurt. I mended, but I’ll never really erase him from my heart. “So, you and Suzanne, huh?”

  “Really? Do we have to talk about this?”

  “Oh, come on. I told you about Bassam.”

  “Fine.” His voice trails off for a moment as he closes his eyes. “After summer ended, we started exchanging texts. It was harmless enough. Soon we were meeting for dinners and it sorta gets blurred from there. Next thing I know, I’m spending Christmas with her family and helping her redecorate her dorm room.”

  There are a dozen different emotions flowing through me, and I can’t pinpoint even one. Confusion is nothing new for me. Maybe one day I will understand all these feelings. When I’m older. “That’s good. No, yeah. I, uh, I’m happy for you two. You two deserve each other.”

  “Nice. We deserve each other?”

  “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I only meant that I’m glad you both found someone to make you happy.”

  “You know that phrase…happiness is what you make it? I think it applies here.”

  I remember the gift I have tucked in my pocket. I pull it out slowly, not sure if it’s appropriate to give now. “I brought you this,” I tell him, placing the picture on his chest.

  The right side of his face twitches as he stares at the picture of the two of us from prom. That feels like such a lifetime ago. Two crazy kids with their whole lives ahead of them.

  “I can’t believe you still have this.”

  “Always,” I whisper so low I’m not sure he can hear me.

  “Thanks, put it in that drawer.”

  A sharp pain radiated through my heart as I put the picture away, out of sight, just like he wants. We spend the next few minutes making small talk until Suzanne clears her throat and steps inside the room with a coffee in her hand. We stop chatting, and the smile on my face disappears.

  “I better go,” I say. I point to the door.

  “Thanks for stopping by,” Killian says.

  Suzanne smiles and goes in for another hug. She whispers into my ear. “We should catch up sometime.”

  I nod but don’t say much else. We won’t catch up, not anytime soon. It’s just something two people say so they don’t feel as bad about how their friendship drifted apart. The truth is, Suzanne and I were never really that close.

  I can feel the tears threatening to spill, but I’m able to tolerate a few more seconds in the room before walking out and letting them out. A part of me always loved Killian, even though I refused to acknowledge it. Neither of us found our love worth fighting for, and I was too busy fighting another hopeless love.

  I step into the restaurant with every intention of running. All I have to do is turn around and then I will be home free. Something about this meeting has sweat pouring from me in places that shouldn’t sweat. Bassam’s firm grip on my forearm stops me from bolting for the door.

  “I’m more nervous than you are, so you don’t get to run, okay?” he whispers against my skin.

  I sigh and give a small nod before continuing through the lobby.

  The hostess perks up as we approach and her hands move for a pile of menus. “Welcome to Ooh La Betty. How many in your party?”

  It’s the cheesiest name for a restaurant, but it’s one of the only sit-down restaurants we have in Betty, and my father isn’t about to meet my boyfriend inside a fast food restaurant.

  “We’re actually meeting someone. Lombardi, party of four,” I tell her.

  She looks down at her paper and motions for me to follow her. As soon as we enter the dining area, I spot my father seated at a table by the window. He’s in his usual suit and tie and his hair is grayer than I last remember. When he sees us, he stands.

  “Dakota.”

  I give a half wave with my fingers and motion to Bassam. “Bassam, meet my father, Doctor Lombardi.”

  Bassam holds out his hand and gives my dad a firm shake. His people skills are impressive, so I’m hoping he can come up with enough conversation to fill in all the awkward silences.

  “Where’s Mom?” I ask.

  “Late, as usual. Sit down. I’ve already ordered you a sweet tea. Dakota, you’re not old enough to drink, right?”

  “I’m twenty,” I remind him.

  “That’s right. Bassam, care for some champagne?”

  “No, sir, but thank you.”

  My father straightens out his tie and looks between the two of us. “Please, call me Doctor.”

  “Dad!” I hiss.

  “Just kidding, you can call me whatever you’d like. So, Bassam, when do you graduate?”

  “I should be done with my Master’s at Vanderbilt within the year. Then I’ll be working with for my father’s company while I get my doctorate.”

  “And what does your father do?” My father leans forward and strokes his chin with interest. He’s obviously trying to find something wrong with Bassam.

  “He owns a private consulting firm that does chemical and biomedical research.”

  “Interesting. I must say you’re more driven than Dakota’s last boyfriend. What was his name?” He snaps his fingers a few times and looks to me, but I don’t answer.

  Please don’t bring him up. Please don’t bring him up.

  “Anyway the guy was bad news, got her arrested and everything.”

  Bassam raises an eyebrow and leans back, ready to hear about my past love life. I don’t talk about the past with him, but he knows the main parts. “Really? I had no idea.”

  “I just hope you aren’t planning any secret experiments that may get my daughter in trouble. Involving drugs? Meth labs?”

  Bassam shakes his
head, laughing the entire time. He thinks my father is joking, but he’s dead serious.

  “I keep my work at school.”

  “Good, now let’s eat.” My father pulls up his menu and begins mumbling to himself.

  Bassam hides his face with the menu and whispers under his breath. “Arrested?”

  “Long story. I’ll explain it later.”

  “Oh, you better. I have to hear this.”

  No, actually. He doesn’t really want to, but I let it go.

  For the rest of dinner, my father keeps his embarrassing comments to himself and for the first guy I’ve ever introduced to him, it goes smoothly. Toward the end of the meal, my mother swoops in. She pulls her large sunglasses off her face and spends a few seconds staring at Bassam.

  “What nationality are you?” she asks.

  I grab his hand under the table and squeeze it tightly. It’s not uncommon for my mother to say such things. I only hope he’ll take it with a grain of salt.

  “Turkish and Lebanese. I was born in Florida.”

  “Wonderful.”

  Such distaste drips from her voice that I lean forward and shout. “Mom!”

  Bassam stops me from standing. The restaurant quiets for a moment before everyone goes back to his or her food.

  “Don’t get all dramatic, Dakota. It was a pertinent question.”

  “If you’re going to act like this, why show up?”

  She snaps her fingers in the air. “Oh, waiter. Bring me a white wine, please.”

  “Have you heard back from nursing school yet?” my father asks.

  “Not yet. Any day though.”

  My mother cuts in, looking for another way to show my incompetence. “I hope you applied to more than one. It would be such a waste to get into none.”

  With a heavy sigh, I answer. “Yes, Mother. I applied to more than one school.”

  The waiter sets a bowl of chocolate ice cream in front of me, but even chocolate can’t improve the mood I’m feeling. Something about my mother always brings out the worst in me. It’s like she’s always there––watching, judging, and criticizing me.

  “So…” My father tries to come up with something to say, but nothing will ease the tension at the table.

  “Are you two planning on getting married anytime soon?” my mother asks, continuing her interrogation.

  “Ummm…” I look to Bassam who, for some reason, is amused by my mother.

  “Not anytime soon. We both want to finish school first.”

  “Well, you aren’t getting any younger. I suppose you heard that Suzanne March is engaged to Killian Carmike?”

  No, I didn’t. I don’t remember seeing a ring on her finger and neither of them had mentioned it to me. I keep a smile on my face and pretend to be interested. She wants to plan a wedding to show me off to her other snooty friends, not because she wants me happy.

  “That’s nice.”

  “Your friend from the hospital, right?” Bassam asks me.

  My throat has suddenly dried, not allowing me to speak. I nod. With each passing second, panic sets in as I realize what is going on. Killian is over me. He’s marrying Suzanne. Suzanne tries to be a good person, but behind that face is a girl who isn’t capable of loving Killian the way he deserves. Suzanne always reminded me of my mother. Quick to point out the massive amounts of money her family has, and manipulative like any future lawyer should be.

  “Suzanne’s parents are renting out the entire country club for a party. You’ll be expected to attend.” Her voice catches me off guard as Suzanne and Killian slip from my mind.

  She’s doing this on purpose. Though no one else notices, there’s malice behind her eyes. She knows how close Killian and I once were and she loves throwing this engagement in my face.

  “Of course,” I say. I won’t give her the satisfaction of knowing how annoyed I am.

  “Suzanne,” Bassam remarks. He turns to me. “That’s your friend from boarding school, right? Yours and Lydia’s friend.”

  “Yes, her family and ours used to go on vacation together every year when the girls were younger,” my mother says. “Her parents were in the same graduating class as Dakota’s father and I.”

  “Suzanne and I don’t really talk much these days,” I explain to Bassam, still trying to hide how upset I’m getting at the news. “She’s Pre-Law at Harvard. She’s really busy.”

  “Ah.”

  He doesn’t say it like he had an ah-ha moment, he says it like he’s trying to figure out why I’m suddenly turning pale.

  “Have you taken Bassam to meet Nona yet?” my father asks.

  I shake my head. “Not yet. I’m hoping to tomorrow before we leave.”

  “Good. She’d approve.”

  We only stay a few more minutes before my father makes up an excuse about a work emergency and jets out of there.

  Bassam pulls his car out of the lot and whistles lowly. “Whoa, you were right about your mom. I can’t believe she talked to you like that.”

  “Well, the only person she loves is herself. You’d think she’d want to meet the guy I’ve been dating for a year, but no. Nothing I do will ever be enough.”

  “Don’t stress.” He takes one hand off the steering wheel and grabs mine. He kisses the back of it and grins. “All we need is each other.”

  His words should make me feel better, but I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s. What if I hadn’t broken Killian’s heart? Would we be together right now? Is Bassam really the one for me? Am I really over Mischa? It’s hard to tell. I feel over him, but what if I see him again? Will all those feelings come rushing back? We get out of the car and walk to our room.

  “I need to take a shower,” he tells me before taking off his shirt and throwing it across the bed. I study his physique as he removes the rest of his clothing. Bassam really is a good guy. He has all the qualifications that I want, and his career goals seemed to impress my father. But I don’t know if I picked him because my father would like him and the risk of him breaking my heart is slim, or because I really do love him.

  The shower starts and is followed by the sound of his horrible singing. I pull up my email on my phone and check it for something about nursing school. Nothing. What will I do if I have to go to school even farther away from him? Being so far apart has already put such a strain on our relationship.

  I climb in the bed and accidently kick his pants on the ground. When I bend over to pick them up, his phone falls out. I pick it up just as a text message comes in. Across the top of the phone, a short summary of the text scrolls by. It’s from someone named Richelle. My hands begin to shake. I trust Bassam. I do, but I keep waiting for him to hurt me. He’s not my dad, he’s not Mischa. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him, but I’ve never heard of this girl before. Curiosity gets the best of me, so I flip through the messages, which are all innocent enough, but a few of them are borderline flirting.

  Bassam: Thought about your thesis yet?

  Richelle: A little, there’s a nanoscience lecture next month that I’m interested in. You should join me and split the cost.

  Bassam: Sounds interesting. Let me see if I can get away. We’d have to find a double room though. LOL

  Richelle: Of course ;) Wouldn’t want anything to happen.

  I shove his phone back in his pocket and lower my head between my knees. Innocent enough. Innocent enough. They were joking around like something had already happened. And he’s never mentioned her before, that has to mean something. He hasn’t even mentioned this trip, which means he has something to hide. Before I can convince myself that I’m overreacting, Bassam walks out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips. One look at my face and he freezes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You tell me.” I cross my hands in front of my chest and stare him down.

  “I have no idea what you are talking about and frankly I’m not in the mood for these games.”

  “Who’s Richelle?”

  “Umm…
a friend from school. We’re both in the program.”

  “Really. Have you ever slept with her?”

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “Answer the question!” I pick up the pillow from behind me and throw it towards him.

  “No, I’ve never slept with her. Why are you asking about her?” He begins getting dressed.

  “When were you planning on telling me about this trip you and her are taking together?”

  “Are you snooping through my phone?” He hasn’t raised his voice this entire time, but I can tell he’s getting annoyed.

  “It went off,” I say.

  “You’re acting crazy, you know that? Most of the time, you act like you don’t care at all, and now you suddenly get extremely jealous? You’re just looking for an excuse to fight. Why can’t you just let us be happy.”

  “You’re cheating on me, aren’t you? I knew it. It was too good to be true.” I slump down against the bed and bury my head in my knees. “I thought this time would be different. I thought you were different, but you’re just like every other guy out there. You only use me and hurt me!”

  It’s hard to speak through the sobs coming out. I can feel Bassam lowering himself down next to me. He’s delicately stroking my hair. “I could kill him. I could kill him for turning you into this girl. I will never hurt you, Cody. I need you to understand this. It’s okay to let people in.”

  “No, everyone always hurts me and eventually you will, too. How could you think going on a trip with some random girl is ever okay?”

  “I won’t. Those text messages mean nothing. You have to believe me.”

  A part of me wants to trust him and wants to believe that I’ve grown up enough to know the difference and be able to spot a man’s lies.

  “You liar!” I scream. “What else are you hiding? Who are you screwing at your apartment?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? I work and when I’m not working I’m going to school. My parents keep pressuring me to do more, learn more, study more. I don’t have time to bring any girls home.” His voice perpetually gets louder.

  Then I remember something that seemed so innocent before but now makes so much sense. “You’ve never let me see your apartment. You’ve never let me come visit you. You always visit me.”