by God
25 Wearing a full-body bee suit, Mike Lookinland—Bobby of Brady Bunch fame—locks himself in a hermetically-sealed climate-controlled bank vault sprayed with insecticide and emptied of all contents save four bug zappers and a family-size can of Off!. He survives the day, but spends the rest of the year fearful and paranoid, wasting his life savings on assorted foolproof insect-repellents sold by an unscrupulous mail-order company, which stings him 111 times.
26 Thou seest the meteor cluster spying on thee from the skies over a California Pizza Kitchen. Deciding to reason with it, thou calmly but firmly summonest it down, tellest it thou art flattered but not interested, and to please leave thee alone. The cluster saith it understands and wishes thee well before rising back to the sky at 50 miles per second. Hopefully that takes care of that.
27 The Republican National Convention opens in Tampa with a rendition of Lee Greenwood’s country anthem “God Bless the USA” sung by trained bald eagles.
28 Rush Limbaugh is officially named the Republican nominee for vice-president. When it becomes official, he declares himself “happier than a black man with a watermelon.”
29 Sarah Louise Palin is officially named the Republican nominee for president. She waves to the crowd from the podium and smiles in the way she waves and smiles when she is waving and smiling.
30 In her acceptance speech, the nominee notes, “I believe in an America where the wheat is culled from the chaff, and the righteous take their seat at the table of the LORD, and the wicked are punished in eternal fire.”
31 In honor of tonight’s blue moon, the moon turns . . . red. (Ha! Seest what I did there?)
CHAPTER 11
SEPTEMBER
1Jesus gets to plan today’s sign. I know not what he has in mind, but knowing him it will involve hugs.
2 The North Magnetic Pole suddenly jerks two miles after a curious eighth-grader puts a north-oriented paper clip on it.
3 The Democratic National Convention begins in Charlotte with a rendition of the Briefs’ punk classic “Destroy the USA” sung by a chorus of Gitmo detainees.
4 Joe Biden is officially named the Democratic nominee for vice president. When it becomes official, he declares himself “happier than a Korean with a water chestnut.”
5 Barack Hussein Obama is officially named the Democratic nominee for president. He waves to the crowd looking mischievous. Very, very mischievous.
6 In his acceptance speech, a breezy Obama notes, “How many mistakes would I have to make to blow this election? 666? Seriously, just on an intellectual level, aren’t you curious to know what it would take for me to lose to Sarah Palin? I know I am. I’m very, very curious.”
7 The Obama campaign launches its new slogan: “Obama/Biden ‘12: Fuck You.”
8 On the first day back to school, the world’s fifth-graders all find out they’ve got Mrs. Heimer (ick!) for third-period English.
9 A message awaits thee at home. It consists of strange crackling, swishing, and hissing sounds, followed by a terrifying sonic boom. The caller ID identifies the caller as “Cluster, Meteor.” Oh no. No no no no no.
10 The Palin campaign launches its new slogan: “Palin/Limbaugh ‘12: Nigh.”
11 On the 11th anniversary of 9/11, Pakistani intelligence tells the US it now believes a senior leader of al-Qaeda may be hiding somewhere near the bottom of the Indian Ocean.
12 The Leaning Tower of Pisa appears straightened. In reality, the rest of Pisa has been tilted.
13 Sarah Palin tells an interviewer she is pro-afterlife.
14 In an interview, Donald Trump brags about how many properties he owns. The number of his boast: 666.
15 Total world population hits seven billion. Total world area holds steady.
16 Niagara Falls becomes Niagara Rises.
17 The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem actually starts wailing. After a while it calms down and just sobs quietly.
18 The remains of the Berlin Wall also do something odd. (We’re still working out the details on this one, but we liked the wall-to-wall idea.)
19 Thousands are killed by a monsoon . . . in Norway!
20 In a campaign ad shot entirely in French, a group of chain-smoking Left Bank artists hail Obama as “the only decent thing ever produced in your shithole of a country.”
21 Secretary General Ban Ki-moon opens the 67th session of the UN General Assembly with a rousing karaoke version of “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine).”
22 The autumnal equinox brings equal parts day (left side of the sky) and night (right side).
23 The subject of Sesame Street’s “Elmo’s World” segment is heroin. Notes Elmo, “Elmo chase the dragon!”
24Wine Spectator says vineyards across Europe are describing this year’s grapes as “wrathful.”
25 Every time the shofar is blown during Yom Kippur services, it plays “Yakety Sax,” the theme song from Benny Hill.
26 Following a generous $10 million corporate gift, Doctors Without Borders changes its name to Doctors Without Barnes & Noble.
27How did the meteor cluster get thy email?!? Yea, it has sent a rambling message, alternating between love and hate, along with a graphic JPEG of its own tektites. This is getting to be too much. Thou breakest down at the office. Luckily thy best work friend, Cheryl, is there to comfort thee.
28 Barack Obama tells a capacity crowd in the swing state of Ohio, “You smell like you showered in shit this morning.”
29 Sarah Palin tells a capacity crowd in the swing state of Florida, “For mine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.”
30 Facing an unprecedented immigration crisis, the Mexican government closes its border with America.
CHAPTER 12
OCTOBER
1An Arkansas school board bans all lowercase l’s from its textbooks due to their suggestive shape.
2 During his first debate with Sarah Palin, President Obama remarks, “Oh, shut up. You’re stupid, just like all women.”
3 Daniel Day-Lewis’s new movie opens and man, is he awful in it.
4 The Panama Canal disappears, replaced by a large scar held together with 666,666,666 stitches.
5 The Nobel Prize for Medicine is awarded to Robitussin.
6 The National Hurricane Center ill-advisedly decides to name the 16th tropical storm of the year “Hurricane Pussy.” Thousands are killed.
7 A Gallup Poll shows the presidential race a dead heat: 5 percent Obama, 5 percent Palin, 90 percent undecided on whether life is worth living.
8 Every customer who purchases an item at a Columbus Day sale contracts smallpox and loses his home.
9 Thou hast fallen asleep on the living room couch. Waking up just before midnight, thine eyes slowly focus on the skylight overhead. The meteor cluster is staring down at thee . . . and rubbing its rocks! Thou criest out and reachest for the phone, but the cluster vanishes before thou canst even dial 9-1-1.
10 Thou sharest thy story with the policeman who arrives at the scene. The cop—a handsome sergeant named Jenkins, 40ish, still dealing with the pain of a recent divorce—saith they cannot apprehend the cluster without proof it is stalking thee. He gives thee his card.
11 At a campaign rally in Richmond, Sarah Palin begins menstruating from her wrists.
12 At a campaign rally in Pittsburgh, Obama suggests the local pro football team be renamed the “Pittsburgh Ass-Lickers.”
13 A suicide bomber in Berlin attempts to blow up a suicide-hotline center but is dissuaded by its skilled, compassionate staff.
14 During his second debate with Sarah Palin, President Obama remarks, “God, you’re so white! I hate that! I hate white people!”
15 A mine explosion in West Virginia kills 178 human-labor asset units of the Massey Energy Company.
16 In retaliation for April 25, not a single secretary buys a card for Boss’s Day. Millions of bosses couldn’t care less.
17 Tonight’s Final Jeopardy! category is “Numbers.” The clue is, “I
ts square root is .”
18 Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to fathering a love child with the Predator.
19 Thousands are killed by a typhoon . . . in Death Valley!
20 The word in today’s 2012 Word-a-Day Calendar is “apocalyptic.” It is defined as “of or pertaining to the event taking place in nine weeks.”
21 In their only encounter, vice-presidential candidates Joe Biden and Rush Limbaugh debate their widely different positions on the economy, foreign policy, and whether Joe Biden should crawl into a hole and die.
22 “Nukalyptus,” an adorable nine-month-old, is the winner of the inaugural $10,000,000 Trump Koala Klassic.
23 The L.A. County Coroner performs an autopsy revealing the victim died of an autopsy.
24 At a campaign stop in St. Louis, Obama unzips his fly and masturbates.
25 At a campaign stop in Denver, Palin starts speaking in tongues. Within five minutes, the crowd starts to notice.
26 The Chicago Cubs win the World Series. (Sigh . . . Thou-Knowest-Who begged.)
27 A new iPad app allows users to download their favorite foods.
28 The hajj in Mecca is disrupted by the deafening heavenly sound of Al Jolson singing “My Yiddishe Momma.”
29 During his third and final debate with Sarah Palin, President Obama remarks, “Anyone else notice those giant Martians over there?”
30 On Mischief Night, 666 deviled eggs are thrown at the home of legendary jockey Angel Cordero.
31 There will be no signs of the Apocalypse today. Have a great Halloween, everyone!
CHAPTER 13
NOVEMBER
1The Three Gorges Dam on the Yangtze River collapses. The ensuing flood wipes out a whopping .01 percent of the Chinese population.
2 Over a hundred twentysomethings invited by last-minute text to an impromptu Central Park pillow fight are instead gunned down by the Mafia in the first-ever flash mob hit.
3 The Palin/Limbaugh ticket is endorsed by whichever person in thy life for whom thou hast the greatest respect.
4 Americans set their clocks back an hour to return to Standard Time . . . but I foil their plans by changing the length of a day to 25 hours.
5 On Election Day eve, polls show the presidential race a virtual dead heat: 51 percent pills, 49 percent gunshot wound to the head.
6 Sarah Louise Palin is elected the 45th president of the United States. Thank thee for ordering the Apocalypse. Please allow six weeks for delivery.
7 Hamsters successfully circumnavigate their exercise wheels over and over again.
8 President-elect Palin introduces new Secretary of Defense Chuck Norris.
9 Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx embarks on a driving tour of U.S. Route 66.
10 Just when thou hadst dared to hope the meteor cluster had forgotten about thee, a sonic boom fills the city during lunch. In the sky, the words I THEE, [THY NAME]! have been written with the white contrails of a dozen fireballs. Thou collapsest in Cheryl’s arms, weeping.
11 Thou callest Jenkins demanding protection. He agrees to meet thee for coffee. Again, he says thou must have hard proof before any action can be taken. But somehow the masculine way he says it reassures thee. Thou even sharest a few laughs. When he says good-bye, the two of you awkwardly lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by a mysterious sonic boom.
12 In an interview, Charlie Sheen (who these days is neither winning nor losing but breaking even) brags about how many “goddesses” he now has. The number of his boast: 666.
13 Peruvian officials refuse to comment on reports that an enormous neon MACHU TRUMPCHU sign was seen being hauled up the Andes by llamas.
14 President-elect Palin introduces new Secretary of the Treasury Mr. Moneybags.
15 Uzbekistan is wiped off the face of the earth. (Lo, I felt bad, for it had been completely left off the list until now.)
16 The cedars of Lebanon are rewrought into the cedar patio chairs of Thomasville Furniture.
17 A week since the words in the sky, and no contact (thank me!) from the cluster. But all day at work thou art anxious, and thy best work friend, Cheryl, is out sick. Then, word starts spreading around the office. Cheryl is dead. It appeareth that while jogging in the park this morning, someone pelted her to death with 400 car-sized boulders.
18 President-elect Palin introduces new Secretary of Health and Human Services The Terminator.
19 Thousands are killed by a tornado . . .in a place where there is traditionally very little wind (TBD)!
20 Last possible reprinting date for The Last Testament. Remember my offer, humanity.
21 All the world’s itsy-bitsy spiders drown in waterspouts.
22 This year’s hot new Thanksgiving delicacy is the Panturkham—a ham, stuffed into a turkey, stuffed into a pair of panties.
23 Christmas music begins at stores and shopping malls, but every song cuts off shortly before the end.
24 President-elect Palin introduces new White House Chief of Staff Guy Dressed Like Jesus.
25 Jenkins says they have put out an APB for the cluster, but short of that there’s nothing else the police can do. In the meantime he—not as a cop, but as a friend—offers to stay over and protect thee. You stare at each other. (Note: at this point thou hast the option of “laying down” with him, but it’s up to thee.)
26 Two wrongs make a right.
27 Bodies in motion tend to stay at rest.
28 What goes up stays up.
29 The sum of the squares of the two legs of a right triangle exceeds the square of the longest side.
30 E=mc3.
CHAPTER 14
DECEMBER
1Thy cell rings. Someone is calling . . . from inside thy house! Racing home, thou findest the meteor cluster sitting on thy couch, laughing. Beside it lies the battered corpse of Jenkins. The meteor tells thee it loves thee, “and that if I cannot have thee, no one will!” It takes out a gun and fires. Thou jumpest out of the way. As the clock strikes midnight,
2 the meteor chases thee around the house, firing wildly. It reaches the bedroom, where thou leapest out of the closet and pouncest. The gun falls to the floor; a fierce struggle ensues, leaving thy whole house a shambles. The cluster gains the upper hand but at the last minute, thou seest the gun, just manage to stretch thy hand far enough to grab it, and fire. The cluster lies dying. With its final words it calls thy name and says, “I would have given thee the moon.”
3 Thou walkest on the beach, reflecting on thy ordeal. Yea, it made thee a tougher person, revealed an inner strength previously unknown to thee. But was it worth it? No. Not for Cheryl. Not for Jenkins. And not for thee. Especially since the world ends in a little more than two weeks.
4 The sun moves backward.
5 Stars plunge from the sky.
6 Facebook reaches another milestone with the addition of its 666,666,666th member.
7 It’s Ten Plagues Redux! The end is nigh, but there’s still time to re-create the week-and-a-half-long party that set the standard for devastation— only this time, the whole world’s invited! We begin with Plague #1: Water turns into blood. It’s thy lucky day, vampires! Thirsty? Just turn on the tap!
8 Plague #2: Frogs. This soundeth not so bad, right? Did I mention they’re radioactive?
9 Plague #3: Lice. Schoolkids, prepare to be sent home early and with a bottle of that nasty-smelling shampoo!
10 Plague #4: Flies. Everywhere. And they will be on the lookout for thy swatters, for I shall prebrief them.
11 Plague #5: Cattle sickness. Thou hast heard of mad cow disease—but art thou familiar with exploding cow disease?
12 Plague #6: Boils. I would not schedule any hot dates for tonight if I were thee; for thy face shall look like unto topographic maps of Mars.
13 Plague #7: Hail. The smaller pellets will be the size of BBs, the larger, golf balls; because they will actually be BBs and golf balls.
14 Plague #8: Locusts. Most of thee no longer live on farms, so to make sure no one is left out I am als
o making them ravenous for concrete.
15 Plague #9: Darkness. No sun; no moon; no stars; no electricity; no fire. And cheateth not with thy cell phone or I’m starting over at Plague #1 again.
16 Plague #10: Slaying of the first-born. Seriously, all kidding aside, apologies in advance for thy loss.
17[Day off for mourning.]
18 Earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, lightning, the whole 18 cubits.
19 Merck creates a pill that makes everybody thin and good-looking. Too little, too late.