by God
20 Chichen Itza splits in two to reveal a mile-long landing pad for a spaceship. Yea, the last sign goes to thee, Mayans. Loved thy passion!
21 At midnight, there shall be lightnings and thunders. Winds shall rage and the earth shall split asunder. All the peoples of the world will find themselves gathered in the valley of Megiddo, naked and trembling. Then, from everywhere and nowhere, soft at first, then overpowering all other sounds, shall come the strains of a seductive midtempo samba beat. Very slowly, I, the LORD thy God, King of the Universe, shall descend from on high. And as I do, I shall sing:
CHAPTER 15
(THE LAST CHAPTER)
1Thou shalt bow as I present myself; I’m a being divine and supreme.
2I’ve been around since the dawn of time; those who say not so, do blaspheme.
3I was above when Jesus Christ gave his life to save your souls.
4Made damn sure apostles wrote it down on moldy scrolls.
5Gaze not on me; never say my name.
6But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
7I watched them kill St. Peter; then I watched the Second Temple fall.
8Now he’s just a basilica, and it’s only a Wailing Wall.
9I was twice-paid during each Crusade when both sides died and both sides prayed.
10Gaze not on me; never say my name.
11Lo, yea.
12But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
13Lo, yea.
14I stayed at rest while I saw the West pass the centuries raping colonies.
15I shouted out, “Who slew Leviathan?” when after all, it was only me.
16Thou shalt bow as I present myself; I’m a being divine and supreme.
17I had a lapse for two World Wars, but I’m thrilled about thy football team.
18Gaze not on me; never say my name; lo, yea.
19But what confoundeth thee is my portion of the blame; lo, yea.
20Descendeth.
21Gaze not on me; never say my name; lo, yea.
22But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
23Just as every rabbi eats bacon, and all imams drink wine,
24As wrong is right, call me Merciful; for I wouldst thou fall in line.
25So this Apocalypse, show humility; show some piety and some awe.
26Use every kiss-ass compliment, or I’ll suck thee with a straw.
27Gaze not on me; never say my name; lo, yea.
28But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
29Descendeth.
30Lo, yea, get down; lo, yea; lo, yea.
31Never say it; never say my name.
32Never think it; never think my name.
33Never say it; never say my name.
34Say it one time, I’ll set thy skin aflame.
35Lo, lo.
36Lo, lo.
37Lo, lo lo.
38Lo, lo lo.
39Lo, yea.
40Lo, yea.
41Lo, yea yea.
42Lo, yea yea.
(Long, slow fadeout.)
PRE-MISINTERPRETATIONS
The Author is aware that many verses in his previous Scriptures have been wildly, and often lethally, misinterpreted over the centuries. To expedite this process, he has asked that this time the publisher include, by way of exegesis, the following pre-misinterpretations of several key verses in this text. (Note: These are not intended to be the definitive misinterpretations. Readers are encouraged to form, preach, and enforce their own wrong ideas about any lines they like, so long as they in some way diverge from the words’ clear meaning.)
Chapter/Verse
Text
Misinterpretation
Againesis 4:17
“And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible.”
“I dislike homosexuals.”
Againesis 14:23
“I have been accused of many things in my day, and of some rightly; but I am in no way homophobic.”
“I strongly dislike homosexuals.”
Reduxodus 9:9
“And thou shalt make his pans to receive his ashes, and his shovels, and his basins, and his fleshhooks, and his firepans.”
“I cannot even begin to tell you how much I dislike homosexuals.”
Reduxodus 9:13-16
“The laws of kashrut . . . are . . . lacking the barest lick of common sense.”
“The laws of kashrut . . . are a vital means of preserving cultural identity in the face of an intermarriage epidemic watering Judaism down like a carp in a bathtub.”
Jewed 2:8
“If [gentiles] could found a secret organization that meets once a week in the basements of local synagogues to control every aspect of law and finance and entertainment, they would.”
“We gentiles have the cunning, deviousness, and duplicity needed to pull this off.”
Games 1:20
“I have . . . on extremely rare occasions, influenced the outcome of a sporting event to affect the spread.”
“And every single one of those occasions adversely impacted you, the specific fan or gambler reading this.”
Gospel Accordingto Dad 9:28
“Throughout his youth Jesus attended synagogue, and observed the Sabbath.”
“Young Jesus liked to play dress-up Jew.”
Gospel According to Dad 11:19
“[The devil] doth, indeed, visit people in their time of need; and offer to grant them mortal happiness in exchange for their immortal soul.”
“The first time you hear about Obamacare, it might not sound that bad.”
Koranicles 1:18
“Thou shalt not find any anti-Muslim propaganda anywhere in this book.”
“This book is rife with the virulent hatred of Islam shared by all loyal Americans.”
Romance 3:5
“I meant marriage to be a relationship between any two people, and the enormous amount of shit they have to deal with on a daily basis.”
“God meant marriage to be a relationship between any two people, with any italicized because it is old High Akkadian for ‘differently gendered.’ “
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
1Unlike the universe, a book like this is not the kind of project one can throw together by oneself in under a week.
2 No; a book like this is a journey through the forest of the mind, and the text is the trail of words left behind on that journey.
3 But as it happens, my mind is an infinite forest; and since the information it holds is also infinite, putting it on paper would require chopping down every tree in that forest.
4 (Plus it would have made for an ∞-page memoir; which the publishers felt, probably rightly, would make it a tough sell.)
5 Thus a memoir like this requires skillful editing by a brilliant, strong-minded editor, with the confidence to offer frank editorial guidance to a writer who could reduce her down to cinders in a trillionth of a second.
6 Fortunately such an editor was mine; so thank thee, Sarah Knight, for thy gift for language, thy good cheer, and thy deft emotional handling of an Author I admit could at times be quite temperamental.
7 And sorry again about smiting that intern; although in my defense the coffee was cold.
8 To Jonathan Karp, the head of Simon & Schuster, thanks for taking a chance—both creative and financial—on this project.
9 I know the advance was steep; but given the sales of my previous books, it was fair.
10 Fear not, Jon: After the first 300 million copies, the rest shall be pure profit!
11 I would also like to thank my literary agent, Daniel Greenberg.
12 This is thy triumph, too, Danny; thou went to bat for me; thou stuck with me e’en in the bad times; thou never lost faith in my work;
13 Yea, even after losing faith in my existence.
14 And Jessica Abell in Marketing and Kelly Welsh in Publicity: You were me-sends!
15 The human help I received in writing these
Scriptures was vital; but in many ways, the real angels in this process were my angels.
16 There are so many I could thank, for their count is as numerous as the stars in heaven; but here I will mention only my four “Kids in the Halo”: Uriel, Raphael, Michael, and Gabriel.
17 Ur, Raf, Mike, Gabe: you are my boon companions forever; I love you guys.
18 Above all, I would like to thank my wonderful family.
19 Sweetheart, I love thee more than ever.
20 And kids: the three of you are truly my greatest accomplishments.
21 Lastly, a brief mention of my earthly amanuensis, David Javerbaum.
22 DJ, thou takest a mean dictation.
PHOTO CREDITS
1Page 1: Creation Weekly Planner, designed by James Iacobelli.
2Page 2: Adam and Eve, the Granger Collection, New York
3Page 2: Cocker spaniels, © Jorg & Petra Wegner/Animals Animals
4Page 3: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Réunion des Musées Nationaux/Art Resource, NY. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
5Page 4: Egyptian in Technicolor dreamcoat, © age footstock/SuperStock. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
6Page 5: Courthouse with Ten Commandments, AP Photo/Harry Cabluck.
7Page 5: Strip club with Ten Commandments, [background image] Mischa Photo Ltd/Reportage/Getty Images; [foreground image] © Philippe Lissac/Godong/Corbis. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
8Page 6: Slingshot, © Thinkstock Images/Comstock Images/Getty Images; rocket launcher, Stocktrek Images/Getty Images. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
9Page 7: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; the Granger Collection, New York.
10Page 8: Shroud of Turin, designed by James Iacobelli.
11Page 9: Notepad, designed by James Iacobelli.
12Page 10: Dashboard Jesus, © Thom Lang/Corbis.
13Page 10: Scene from Twelve Angry Men, EVERETT COLLECTION.
14Page 10: Goblet, DEA/G. DAGLI ORTI/Getty Images.
15Page 11: Image 1 of Crucifixion, Ferdinando Scianna/Magnum Photos.
16Page 11: Image 2 of Crucifixion, Bruno Barbey/Magnum Photos.
17Page 11: Image 3 of Crucifixion, Robert Van Der Hilst/Getty Images.
18Page 12: Ham, Brand X Pictures/Getty Images. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
19Page 13: Map, © The Print Collector/Heritage-Images/Imagestate. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
20Page 14: Portrait of Marthin Luther King Jr., AP Photo/Jim Bourdier.
21Page 14: Portrait of Martin Luther, the Granger Collection, New York.
22Page 14: Portrait of James Madison, the Granger Collection, New York.
23Page 14: Portrait of Charles Darwin, the Granger Collection, New York.
24Page 15: Photo of the Rat Pack, Warner Bros. Pictures/Photofest. Additional design by James Iacobelli.
25Page 16: Photo of God in suit, © Michael Cogliantry.
INDEX
Aaron, 72–73, 87, 89
in incident with golden calf, 89–90
Ten Commandments dictated to, 83–84
Ten Plagues sent by, 76–77
Abdon, 120
Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem, Islamophobia against, 347
Abel, 14–15, 87
Abélard, 321–22
Abidah, 61
Abimelech, 120
abortion, aborted discussion of, 259–60
Abraham, 7, 29–30, 35–37, 44, 90, 100, 131, 169, 201, 250
Isaac almost sacrificed by, 38–39, 296
as prophet, 126
remarriage of, 40
Adam, 10–11, 32, 87, 273, 319, 322
on Sistine Chapel ceiling, 273
Adoration of the Magi, 177
Aesop, 186
Africa, 51
African AIDS Conference, guests at, 346
afterlife, 285
Age of Colonization, 63
Agility Global Integrated Logistics Stadium, 335
AIDS, 55
airplane, 292
Alexander VI, 275
Al-Hijra, 242
Allah, 235, 291
All Blacks, 158
Alley, Kirstie, Russian dressing made by, 110
All Saints’ Church, 276, 277
almsgiving, 244
al-Qaeda, 235, 349
Craigslist advertisements by, 336
at Olympics, 346
Amazon River, mistaken placement of, 62
“American Pie,” 84
Anastasia, Grand Duchess, 145–46
anasthesia, as closing off God’s communication, 291
“And I Am Telling You (I’m Not Going),” 109
Andrew, 195, 196
angels, 24–26, 34, 45, 80, 87, 172
Anglican Church, curious gay policy of, 333
Aniston, Jennifer, 112
Us Weekly deal of, 332
Annunciation to the Shepherds, 177
Antarctica, 229
anthroposophy, 205
anti-Semitism, 279
ants, superiority to humans of, 57
anus, design of, 32
Anzû, 28
Apocalypse, 327–31
signs of, 337–57
Apostles, 185, 186, 203, 358
Apple, 336
Apprentice, The (TV show), 307
architecture, of Middle Ages, 263
Area 51, 147
Ark of the Covenant, 91–92
Armstrong, Neil, 138
A-Team, The (film), 158
atheism, 254–55, 290
Atlantis, 147
atomic bombs, 139
Attila the Hun, 266
Auburn, 157
autopsy, as lethal, 352
autumnal equinox, new method of, 350
Azazel, 169
Babel Development Board, 22
Bachelorette, The (TV show), 306
Ba’hai Faith, 253
Bale, Christian, Mandela’s grandson insulted by, 111
Balrythioid Quorngrankers, 287
Ban Ki-moon, singing by, 350
Barabbas, 199
Bartholomew, 195, 196
basketball, 292
Bastille Day, 345
Bathsheba, 123, 124
Batman 3: The Dark Knight Rises, God’s excitement over, 345
Bay, Michael, new film of, 340
Beatles, 107, 232
Beck, Glenn, ominous page numbers in novel of, 335
Beckett, Samuel, 146
Beckham, David, 158
beetles, God’s constant refining of, 7
Berkeley, Calif., 335
Berlin Wall, odd behavior of, 350
Bernsen, Corbin, 345
Bible:
bureaucratic minutiae in, 85–86
as dictated to Moses, 19–20, 87, 88, 89
errors in, 61–62
see also New Testament; Old Testament
Biden, Joe:
policies debated by, 352
racist remark of, 349
Bieber, Justin, 305
as porn star, 335
Biloxi, Miss., as intended target of Hurricane Katrina, 55
bin Laden, Osama:
afterlife of, 245, 249
burial place miracles and, 341
Bison-Beast, 28
Black, Rebecca, 304
Black Dahlia, surprising killer of, 145
Black Death, 25, 221, 267–68
Black Eyed Peas, music ruined by, 113
blogging, 304
Bloody Marys, 229
boils, 75, 357
Bolt, Usain, 158
medal in new race won by, 346
Book of Mormon, 89
Boox!iya, 332
Boss’s Day, 352
Boston Massacre, 137
Brady Bunch, deaths of actors in, 347–48
Brahmins, 249
Brangelina, new names of, 340
Brave, as good, 343
breast augmentation, 36
Brighter Horizons Clean Living Facility, 187
Br
itish Empire, 292
Brooks, Mel, 271
Brown, Dan, 180
Buckner, Bill, 63
Buddhism, 250–52
Budweiser, abdication of throne by, 338
Buñuel, Luis, battle of Jericho as directed by, 118
Cain, 14–15, 16, 87
Caleb, 117
California Pizza Kitchen, 348