by God
Campbell’s Soup Cans (painting), 232
Canaan, 30, 93
obliteration of inhabitants of, 119
Carey, Mariah, fourth person address desired by, 113
Caroline, or Change, 269
Carrot Top, as unfunny, 110
Cassiopeia, 54
Catcher in the Rye (Salinger), Ecclesiastes similar to, 125
cathedrals, 263
Catholics, 221, 270, 274–75, 280
Ceepher, Lou, Scrabble championship won by, 342
celebrities, 107–14
Celebrity Center, 253
Cetera, Peter, 164
Chagall, Marc, 45
Chaldea, 29
Chamber of Commerce, 22
Charlemagne, 267
Chase, Chevy, painkillers stolen by, 109
Chauvet Cave, 337
Chavez, Hugo, 331
Cheryl, 354, 355, 356
Chicago Cubs, 157, 159
World Series won by, 353
Chichen Itza, 357
chicken, as coming after egg, 147
children, prayer by, 220
Children’s Crusades, 264
China, Marco Polo’s journey to, 268
Chinese folk religion, 252
Chinese New Year, 242
Choctaw mythology, 205
Chosen People, Jews as, 29, 82, 86, 90, 97, 98, 100, 102, 117
Christianity, Christians, 54
PPB among, 221
as similar to Walmart, 244
circumcision, 36
civil rights, 139
Civil War, 136
clouds, shapes of, 343
Code of Hammurabi, 22
Coldplay, 112
Cold War, 136
Colonial Williamsburg, revolution at, 347
Colorado, 340
Colussus of Rhodes, 230
communism, 303
Congo, inexplicable birth in, 347
Constitutional Convention, 137–38
Cooper, D. B., Bigfoot’s meal of, 146
Cordero, Angel, home vandalized, 353
Costas, Bob, 155
cows, 86
Craigslist, al-Qaeda’s use of, 336
creation, 3–4, 5–8, 52, 87, 88, 111, 164, 273, 288, 297, 298
of humans, 17
Creation of Adam, The (painting), 232
creation science, 8
cricket, 158
Cruise, Tom, 344
Crusades, 264, 358
Crystallnacht, 108
Cuba, pitchers emigrating from, 334
cubit system, 18
cyclists, steroid habits of, 158
Cyrus, Miley, blossoming of, 113
Dairy Queen, deaths at, 347
Dalai Lama:
arrest of, 342
God’s dislike of, 251
Dan, Tribe of, 46
Dancing with the Stars (TV show), 306
Daniel, 26, 126
Danish cartoons, 236
Dante, 267
Dark Ages, 263
darkness, 75, 357
Darwin, Charles, 8, 9, 290
David, 91, 100, 122, 125, 169, 272
in battle with Goliath, 122–23
Psalms written by, 122, 123–24
David, Keith, fight scene of, 45
Da Vinci Code, The (Leonardo da Vinci, not Dan Brown), 231
Davis, Miles, shofar played poorly by, 118
Day-Lewis, Daniel, bad performance of, 351
Daylight Savings Time, God’s foiling of, 336
Dead Milkmen, new sales venue of, 345
Dead Sea, creation of, 296
Death Valley, typhoon in, 352
Deborah, as greatest and worst female leader in the Old Testament, 120
Declaration of Independence, 137
De Coelesti Hierarchia, 25
de Goncourt, Edmond, 255
Delilah, 121
Democratic National Convention, singers at, 349
Deuteronomy, 85, 89, 93
devil:
Jesus tempted by, 183–85
unlisted number of, 185
in violin competition, 184
Diamond, Neil, 300
Dianetics (Hubbard), 253
Dick, Andy, wagon sexually assaulted by, 108
dietary laws, 86–87
dinosaur, 292
Dion, Celine, as displeasing to Titanic victims, 338
Disneyworld, 338
Disputation of Doctor Martin Luther on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences, 276
Divine Comedy, The (Dante), 267
Dixon, Jeane, as Zodiac Killer, 144–45
DNA, 9
Doctors Without Borders, name changed by, 350
dogs, 229
Dome of the Rock, 336
Dow Jones, ominous market drop of, 333
Downey, Robert, Jr., as part of Gervais’s opening act, 332
drunkenness, 274
Duchovny, David, masturbation habits of, 110
Duke University, 157
E=mc2, new formula for, 355
Ecclesiastes, 125
eclipses, 7
Edison, Thomas, God’s paraphrase of, 209
Edomites, 29
Efron, Zac, as emotionless, 110
egg, as preceding chicken, 147
Egyptians, 294
Jews’ flight from, 67–82, 97, 131, 264
Eiffel Tower, 292
Einstein, Albert, wrong about God’s dice-playing, 6
Elah, Valley of, 122
El Chupacabra, existence of, 146
Eldaach, 61
El Dorado, 147
Election Day, suicides on, 353
Electra, Carmen, transformation of boob job by, 111
Elihu, 130
Elizabeth II, Queen of England, in surprise Mardi Gras appearance, 334
Elon, 120
Emancipation Proclamation, 292
Eminem, rhymes of, 113
entourages, 285
Epcot, 332
Ephah, 61
Epher, 61
Ephesam, 176
Ephraim, 92
Esau, 40–41, 45
Jacob’s tricks on, 41, 42, 43
Ethan, 97
“Eve” (formerly Steve), 14, 87
evolution, 8–9, 88
Exodus, 61, 67, 72, 82, 85, 92, 94, 97
exorcisms, 193–94
Explanation of the Seven Penitential Psalms, 278
exploding cow disease, 357
Ezekial, 126
Ezra, 25
Facebook:
God’s privacy concerns over, 304
ominous member count of, 356
Fall of Man, 13
fasting, 244
fatwa, 236
Favre, Brett, 328
Feeding of the Five Thousand, 193
FIFA, 158
50 Cent, 337
finch beaks, 8
First Amendment, 217
First Book of Esdras, The, 25
firstborn sons, killing of, 76–78, 357
Fitzgerald, F. Scott, 255
flash mob hit, 353
flesh, 170–71
Flood, 19–20, 23–24, 26, 29, 51, 61
Florida:
Gore’s failed campaign in, 128
resemblance to penis, 6
football, 155–57
Ford, Harrison, poor career choice of, 109
Ford, Henry, 230
foreplay, 320
fornicators, 172, 274, 319–20
40 (number), 302
“40” (song), 124
Founding Fathers, 136
Four Noble Truths, 252
Fox, 332
Fox News, 337
Foxx, Jamie, 113
Franklin, Benjamin, 138
free will, 291
Freewinds, 253
French Revolution, 290
Freud, Sigmund, 74
Frigg, 267
frogs, 75, 356
Fukushima Daiichi Power Plant, 339
Fulbert, 32
1
Gabriel, 26, 74, 75, 80, 296
God made fun of by, 205
Mary’s pregnancy and, 177
Muhammad visited by, 238, 239–40
on Sistine Chapel ceiling, 273
Zach given nickname by, 167
Gabuthelon, 169
Galápagos Mega-Mall, 331
Galileo, 284
Garbo, Greta, God’s similarity to, 266
Garden of Gethsemane, 199
gas prices, 331
gatherhunting, 16
gathering, 16
Gauguin, Paul, 45
Gaza, destruction of gates of, 120
Genesis, 47, 51
revisionism of, 322
Genghis Khan, 267
Genuine Angel’s Food Cake, 315
Gere, Richard, 252
Germany, unification of, 292
Germany Pavilion, 332
Gervais, Ricky, opening act of, 332
Giancana, Sam, 146
Gibson, Mel, 112, 163
Gideon, 120
Gilgamesh, 88
Gitmo, 242, 349
gnats, 75
God:
absence of, 290–92, 297–303, 306
address to self by, 297–98
attributes of, 3, 4–5, 237, 300
cookbook of, 311–16
in covenant with Jacob, 42–43, 44
details of Armageddon worked out by, 329
as doer, 251
errors by, 4–5
favorite stuff of, 229–32
Gabriel’s insults to, 205
Googling self by, 143
hobbies of, 3
humanity as threat to, 289, 291–92
humanity’s questions about, 301
Israel supported by, 99–100
Israel visited by, 101–2
as jealous, 27
Jesus and H.G. as one substance with, 289
Jesus granted religion by, 203–5
Jesus’s humanity aided by, 170–73
Jesus threatened with iceberg by, 295–96
as Jesus-whipped, 205
Job tortured by, 295
managements style of, 53
in return to the office, 303–4
Ruth courted by, 165–66
self-doubts of, 297–99
self’s answer to, 299–301
in sitting for Sistine Chapel, 273, 275
Titanic sunk by, 293–94
as trivia buff, 40
Twitter account of, 304–6
U.S. blessed by, 135–39
in younger, more innocent times, 297
see also Allah
Go Daddy, 229
“God Bless America,” 135
“God Bless the USA” (song), 348
Goddard, Robert H., as God’s favorite rocket scientist, 229
Gödel, Kurt, as God’s favorite mathematician, 229
Godlibs, 209–14
Godplane, 202
godsip, 108–14
Godspell (musical), 180
Godthåb, 229
Godzilla, 229, 339
Golgotha, 201
Goliath, big heart of, 122–23
Gomer, 61
Gomorrah, 31, 33–35, 39
Good Samaritan, 189–90
Google, 334
gopher wood, 18–19
Gore, Al, 128
Gosselin, Kate, suicidal uterus of, 114
Goyische Delight, 313
Graceland, razing of, 347
Grammy’s, 156
Grand Canyon, 6
Gravity’s Rainbow (Pynchon), 231–32
Greatest Generation, 136
“Greatest Love of All,” 109
Greatest Story Ever Told, The (film), 163
Great Pyramid of Giza, collapse of, 332
Great Salt Lake, earthquake under, 337
Great Wall of China, 332
Greece, 286
Greek culture, 117
Greenwood, Lee, 348
Gregorian chant, 279
Gregory the Great, 275
Griffith, Melanie, out-of-style drinks of, 109
group sex, 17
Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, 229
Gungunum, King, 22
Gutenberg, Johannes, 186
Guthrie, Woody, surprising identity of, 145
Hadadezer, 123
Hagar, 37–38
Hagar, Sammy, driving skills of, 345
Hagman, Larry, pasta order of, 108
hail, 75, 357
Hail Mary, 219
hajj, 244–45, 353
Halloween, as Apocalypse’s day off, 353
Ham, 18
Hanks, Tommy, poor behavior in restaurants by, 112
Hanoch, 61
Happonen, Janne, 158
Haran, 29
HarperCollins, 183
Harrison, John Scott, 40
Hasidic Jews, 221
Hasselbeck, Elisabeth, prayers of, 113
Hasselhoff, David, alcohol required by, 108
Hauptmann, Bruno, 146
Hayward, Tony, 333
Hazeroth, 89
Head Lice Monthly, 127
Hebron, Mount, 187
Hefner, Hugh, death of erection of, 339
Heigl, Katherine, 335
Helios, 230
helium, 230
Héloïse, 321–22
Hemingway, Ernest, 255
Henry VIII, King of England, 274
Heston, Charlton, 71
H.G., see Zach (H.G.)
Higgs boson, 62
Hilton, Paris, thought of, 112
Himalayas, 6
Hinduism, 252
Hindus, 247–50
History of the World, Part I, 271
Hitchcock, Alfred, 232
Hitler, Adolf, 103
Hoffa, Jimmy, as buried in Grant’s Tomb, 146
Hold Me Now!: The Thompson Twins Story, 342
Holocaust, 97, 101, 102–4
Holyfield, Evander, 158
Holy Roman Empire, 267
homosexuality, 31–32, 249, 274
in Anglican Church, 333
Hopkins, Neville, 144, 145
Houston, Whitney, instrument played by, 109
Howe, Gordie, surprise announcement of, 344
Hubbard, L. Ron, 253
Hudson, Jennifer, song in Arby’s sung by, 109
humanity:
creation of, 8–9, 18
droughts and pestilences endured by, 56–57
drowning of, 18
as threat to God, 289, 291–92
Hundred Year’s War, 269
Hunger Games, The, 337
hunting, 16
Hurricane Katrina, as mistake, 55
“I Am. . .I Said” (song), 300
ibexes, 93
Ibzan, 120
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!,” surprising announcement by, 345
immigration, 136
Impressionism, 292
incest, 16
India, 331
Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 109
indulgences, 274
Industrial Revolution, child labor in, 291
insects, 86
International Gathering of Shamans, 339
International House of Pancakes, 335
International Pedophilia Month, 333
Internet, 304
iPhone 6, 335
Iran, nuclear bomb tested by, 338
Iraq War, 139
Ireland, 268
Irish potato famine, 56
Iron Bowl, 157
Isaac, 44, 90
death of, 46
marriage of, 40
proposed sacrifice of, 38–39, 296
Isaiah, 126
matted beard of, 127
Ishmael, 38
Ishmaelites, 29
Islam, 235–46
common prayer in, 220
Five Pillars of, 244
PPB in, 221
Protestantism vs., 279
as similar to Starbucks, 244
two branches of, 235
Israel:
God’s support for, 99–100
God’s visit to, 101–2
in peace treaty with Sumerians, 333
Israelites, 29
“It,” 72, 102–4
Italy, 331
Jackson, Michael, 111
Jackson, Quinton, 158
Jack the Ripper, 144
Jacob, 40–41, 67, 90, 286
in change to Israel, 45
God’s covenant with, 42–43, 44
ladder of, 43
as tricky little bastard, 41, 42, 43, 44–45
in wrestling match with man, 45, 46
Jainism, 205
Jains, 253
Jair, 120
James, 195, 196, 235
James, Lebron, King James Bible endorsed by, 5
Jamestown, 135
Japan, catastrophes in, 55
Japheth, 18, 61
Javan, 61
Jefferson, Thomas, 137, 138
Jehovah’s Witnesses, in trial against God, 347
Jeopardy, 352
Jephthah, 120
Jerahmeel, 173
Jeremiah, 126
Jericho, toppling of walls of, 118–19
Jericho Septet, 166
Jersey Devil, 146
Jerusalem, 100, 102, 128, 336
Jesus:
as active partner in God’s business, 268
arrest of, 199–200
birth of, 26, 163–64, 177
as classic middle child, 167–68
crucifixion of, 201–2, 329, 358
as desiring to be human, 170–73
details of Armageddon worked out by, 329
fieldwork of, 178–80
first Communion offered by, 198–99
as generated by God, 289
God’s granting of religion of, 203–5
God’s restraint urged by, 287
God’s threat with iceberg against, 295–96
Holocaust and, 102, 103