Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  I told you. He's not the marrying kind.

  That's what I mean! She looked severely annoyed and he laughed.

  Oh, that's what you meant ' well, he's not ' so don't torture yourself, or poor Aud. There's no room for a woman in his life, for heaven's sake. What woman wants to put up with a man racing around the world like that, living with Bedouin tribes and camels and God knows what else, except maybe a Bedouin girl. But Violet was not amused as she glared at him.

  He's a damn fool.

  Perhaps. Or perhaps he knows himself very well, my dear. And then suddenly he looked troubled as he glanced at his wife. Do you suppose Audrey expected something to come of it? Nothing ever will, you know.

  I think she knows that better than we do. And she's as stubborn as he is anyway. All she thinks about is her grandfather and that troublesome sister of hers. Every time that girl wrote to her, Audrey was depressed all day. The girl must cry all the time. Difficult to imagine, isn't it, Audrey is so totally opposite. And no, I don't think she expected anything of Charles, but I think it ran deeper for both of them than either of us thought.

  What makes you think that? James was always impressed by how perceptive his wife was. She often saw things he had no inkling of, and he wondered what she had seen or sensed about them. Charles was still his very dearest friend, and he had grown fond of Audrey during her stay with them. Did she say something to you before she left?

  No. Lady Vi shook her head. And neither did he, which is what makes me think that it's more serious than we think. They both made such a point about not saying anything at all.

  James looked at her as though she were quite mad. Sometimes you really don't make any sense. He leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. But I love you anyway.

  Thank you, James. She smiled and lay back in her favorite chair, as they soaked up the last of the summer's rays.

  Audrey drove to San Remo, Rapallo, Portofino, and Viareggio along the coast, finally abandoning the seaside there to make her way inland to Pisa and Empoli, and then south to Siena, Perugia, Spoleto, Viterbo, and then at last to Rome. But once there, she found she could barely think of what she was supposed to be seeing there. All she could think of were Violet and James, the children, their friends, and of course Charles. But she felt like a lost soul, wandering through churches and museums, the Coliseum, the Catacombs, and the Vatican. Somehow, she felt numb as she wandered through Rome alone, and it no longer seemed like such a good idea to have come. She was relieved when she took the train to Florence and gave up the hired car, but it was much the same there. Her mind wasn't on the beauty of what she was seeing, and all the churches and museums began to look the same to her. All she could think of now was getting to Venice to see Charles again. And when she boarded the train to Venice at last, she felt as though she wanted to get out and run herself. The train stopped a thousand times, or so it seemed. There were floods of people getting on and off, and at each stop, the train was more and more delayed, and by late afternoon, she was panicking. It was obvious that they weren't going to get there in time, and she suddenly realized the insanity of having made an appointment with him in a public square. It had seemed so romantic at the time, and it hadn't occurred to either of them that it was impractical, that this was Italy and nothing happened on time. The train reached the station shortly after eight o'clock, as the sun set with brilliant orange streamers flaming across the sky and tears brimming in Audrey's eyes. She was more than two hours late, and God only knew where Charles would be. By then, he would have come and gone. They hadn't even thought to agree on a hotel, although she herself had made a reservation at the Gritti, from Rome, but she had no idea where Charles would go, or if they would meet again. She had never felt as bereft in her life as when she watched the gondoliere pile her luggage into his gondola and she gave him the name of her hotel. And then suddenly, she decided to try anyway.

  Can we stop at the Piazza San Marco on the way?

  Piazza San Marco? She nodded, still in despair. Si, signorina. He smiled at her with warm eyes and half of his teeth gone, the classic gondoliere's hat on his head, and his powerful legs braced as he steered the graceful boat and she looked around, at the others traveling the canals in gondolas, and the sunset shimmering on the gold mosaics of various domes. It was the most beautiful place she had ever seen, and she had never felt as alone in her life as when she got out of the boat, and ran toward the square. Her eyes swept the vast expanse, taking in the Campanile and the crowds of people wandering to and from the cafes. She glanced at everyone, and ran hurriedly from one cafe to the next, and then suddenly she saw the dark hair, a British raincoat, the back of a familiar head, and she flew to his side, looking up at him as though she had been reprieved ' only to find that it was someone else, and she backed away in dismay and shame. Half an hour later, she was forced to admit defeat. He was nowhere in sight. Perhaps he hadn't even come, or if he had, he had left, convinced that she had stood him up. She had to fight back tears all the way to her hotel, and when the porters and gondoliere unloaded her bags, she walked quietly into the hotel, defeat in her heart, and heartbreak in her eyes. It was obvious to anyone that something terrible had happened to her.

  The suite that had been reserved for her was far grander than any she had reserved anywhere. There was a huge canopied Renaissance bed, there were lovely antiques in the room, marble tables, tapestries. It was a grandiose scene, and she felt foolish sitting there alone. But there was nothing else to do. It was after nine o'clock by then, and there was no point combing the streets for him. She had asked the concierge if Mr. Parker-Scott had a reservation there too, and she was told that he did not. There was absolutely nothing she could do to find him now. All she could do was make a tour of the better hotels the next day and hope to find him somewhere, and if nothing else, she could look for him at the train station on September third, hoping to find him before he boarded the train that would hook up with the Orient Express in Austria the next day. It seemed a shame to waste two days in Venice, but as she picked at the dinner she had sent up to her room, she wondered if it was her punishment ' if it had been wrong to agree to meet him here. She knew it was, but hadn't been able to refuse, and now all was lost. The tears began to flow as she sat thinking of him, and she only heard the second knock at the door, and muttered darkly, Come in. as she blew her nose, and assumed it was room service returning for the elaborate tray they had left with her. She barely looked up as the door opened, and suddenly she gasped and stood up. It had been unlocked, and he had walked right into her room.

  My God ' how did you ' Her heart was pounding as she flew into his arms, more grateful than she had ever been to see anyone, and he held her to him like a lost child ' as he once had his brother, Sean ' he held her so close and so tight that she could barely breathe. Oh Charles, she was crying like a little girl, which was very unlike her, I thought I'd never see you again.

  He cooed softly to her and rocked her in his arms. You won't get rid of me that easily, my love. I had a bit of a fright when you didn't show up, and then I checked with the hotels and found you had a reservation here. She looked up at him adoringly and he smiled down at her.

  I was terrified ' I thought '

  That I was dead at the very least? He noticed the red eyes and hugged her again, smoothing down the rumpled red hair with a look of love. I'm a sturdy sort, Aud. Are you all right? He looked around at the elaborate suite. My, my ' She giggled then for the first time. And she suddenly looked like a young girl to him.

  It's very grand, isn't it?

  It certainly is. He stood back to admire her, enormously relieved to have found her so soon. Like Audrey, he had had visions of wasted days, and futile attempts to find her everywhere. I'm sorry you had such a fright over this, my love. I should have met you in Rome, but I had so damn much work to do. He tossed his coat over a chair and sat down next to her, looking at her seriously as she attempted to regain her composure again. I want you to know that I wouldn't have left f
or Istanbul without seeing you.

  She smiled through fresh tears, and her voice broke when she spoke. She was so relieved to see him. I was thinking the same thing ' I was already trying to figure out when the next sailing was ' I was trying to remember if I got the day wrong ' if I heard the wrong thing ' . She laughed through her tears and threw her arms around his neck. Oh Charles ' I love you so much ' . She had to say the words, had to tell him how she felt. He meant so much to her. And he held her close to him and found her lips with his own, and now there was nothing stopping them, no conventions as houseguests, no concern about their friends, and they forgot everything as he held her in his arms and ran his hands over her. He had never been as hungry for her as he was now, and she was just as hungry for him. Oh Charles ' He looked at her carefully at last, as they both caught their breath, and gently he pulled away.

  Perhaps I should go now, Aud ' . His eyes searched hers for his cue, but unlike all the other times in Antibes, this time she shook her head at him, and he held his breath as he looked at her. I don't want to do anything you'll regret. It had been an emotional evening for them both, a difficult day waiting to meet again. In fact, neither of them had been able to think straight since Charles had left Antibes. And Audrey had been waiting for this, and only she knew how much as she looked at him again. She knew why she had come. She had been afraid to admit it to herself at first, but she had had to do this, and she knew there would never be any regrets. From this day forth, she was his.

  I don't want you to go. Her voice was deep and calm and sensuous as he took her hand and kissed her fingertips. Just that made her entire body sing with desire for him. I love you, Charles. It was as simple as that in the end, as simple as those words and the volumes that she felt for him.

  I've never loved anyone more, he whispered to her, and then he stood up and picked her up in his arms and walked quietly into the next room. There were soft lights filtering in, and when he closed the door, only the moonlight swept across the floor. He could see her face and her eyes and her lips and he kissed her gently and undressed her in the dark, admiring the silver of her flesh, as he ran his hands carefully over her. She knew without any doubt that she belonged to him, and she shivered as she slid between the cool sheets and watched him undress with his back to her. He got into the bed on the other side, and met her halfway, reaching out his arms to her as she came to him, and gave herself to him in every way. Her body thrilled to his touch, and he taught her gently and well, taking her only when she was ready for him, and then when she wanted him again. He let her set the pace, and he gave her all he had, from his body, his mind, his soul, and his heart.

  And from that moment on, their hearts seemed forever intertwined, as she lay in his arms and slept, and this time they did not see the sunrise, as the Campanile tolled the hour, and they slept on like two children, spent by their love.

  Chapter 8

  Their two days in Venice were like something in a dream. He took her to see all the appropriate sights, the Doges' Palace with its magnificent doors, the Rialto Bridge, Santa Maria della Salute, and the Customs House with its gold weather vane ' and even more importantly, the Bridge of Sighs, where he made her hold her breath, and they kissed, as the gondoliere sang to them as they passed beneath. Charles assured her that their wishes would come true as a result, and she giggled at him. But most of their time, they spent in her room. He rented a smaller room on the same floor, for appearances' sake, but he didn't even leave his bags in there. They lived together as man and wife for two days and two nights, and Audrey found herself panicking as the hour approached for him to leave. She had reservations on the train to London that same night. But the train he was taking was going to Austria, and meeting up with the Orient Express there.

  She was so depressed about leaving him that as they dressed for the last time, lingering in the enormous marble bathroom that they shared, having just made love in the bath before they dressed, she could barely speak, thinking of what it would be like saying good-bye to him. And then suddenly, as she thought of it, the dam suddenly broke, and she began sobbing as she looked at him.

  Darling, don't ' don't do this ' . He was beyond pressing her anymore. He had begged her to come with him, and she had remained firm in insisting she could not. It would have been cruel to continue pushing her, and he had promised not to do it again. I'll come to San Francisco as soon as I can. As soon as I finish in Peking. I'll come directly by ship. He was holding her in his arms, and she was sobbing uncontrollably. She had given herself to this man, and now she couldn't bear to leave him again. She belonged with him. Every fiber of her being shrieked at the thought of leaving him, and yet she knew she must. She had absolutely no choice. Her arms were around his neck and it was a long time before she regained control again.

  Charles helped her into her dress, and watched her fasten her pearls, and her earrings and put on her big straw hat, and he wanted to stop time as he looked at her. It was the dearest moment of his life, and he noticed that Audrey hadn't touched her camera in two days. This wasn't something one could record, it was a time filled with feelings, and aching desires fulfilled at last. It was a time neither of them would ever forget, and they were both somber as they checked out of the hotel, and watched their things being put in the gondola outside. She turned back to look up at the hotel once and then she looked sadly at him.

  I never want to come back here again, Charles.

  Why not? He looked shocked. Had he misinterpreted how she felt? He couldn't have ' .

  It could never be as beautiful as this again. I want to remember it just as it is now ' in my mind her eyes filled with tears and he took her hand in my heart ' . She looked up at him with her eyes swimming in tears and he held her close and helped her into the gondola. He dreaded what it would be like saying good-bye to her. He doubted if he could stem his own tears. It choked him just thinking of it. They sat huddled together like two lost souls on their way to the station, and he took her to the train, as she was scheduled to leave first, by half an hour. He watched the porter settle her things, and he stood in her private compartment with her. There was nothing left to say, except promises that neither of them could keep. He had his work and she had her family, and they loved each other in a way that few people did. They each knew that as the time finally came, and he stood holding her, tears rolling slowly down their cheeks and their eyes closed as they kissed.

  He was the first to pull away. He couldn't bear it anymore. I love you, Aud. I always, always will. He wanted to ask her again to come to Istanbul with him, but he didn't dare ask her again. It wasn't fair to either of them to push anymore. It was time to say good-bye. It had to be faced. But it was the most painful thing that had happened to him since the loss of Sean, and he wasn't sure he would be able to bear losing her, except that he had no choice.

  I love you with all my heart, she whispered to him. Take care of yourself ' keep safe ' . She clung to him for a last moment, and then he hurried from the compartment and down the corridor, down the few steps and ran back to her window again. She opened it and leaned down, and he kissed her again, and they both smiled. See you after Peking ' . But she didn't even like to think of it ' by his own admission it would be several months ' maybe even six ' he had no idea how long he would be tied up in China. His deadline was at year end, but with the hostilities with the Japanese he had no idea what he would find once he was there.

  I'll write to you, Aud. It was a promise he had never made to anyone else, and he intended to keep it with her. But he stood looking at her then, wanting to ask her just once more, to go to Istanbul with him. But he didn't say the words. He kissed her once more, and then turned and hurried away before he no longer could. He couldn't have borne one of those painful scenes, standing on the platform as she pulled away. He went to his own train to wait, and twenty minutes later, he heard her train grinding slowly away, as he closed his eyes and winced, like a man facing a firing squad. He put his hand over his eyes, and lay back against th
e seat, thinking about her. And the images he saw in his mind's eye were so real that he could almost feel her in the compartment with him, smell her perfume, hear her voice ' .

  You can open your eyes now, Charles. He almost jumped out of his skin, as he dropped his hand and opened his eyes to look at her. She was standing only two feet away, smiling at him, as a porter stood juggling her bags with a look of dismay.

  What ' my ' for chrissake, Audrey! You almost gave me a heart attack! He was shouting as he jumped to his feet but he swept her off her feet and into his arms, giving an alarming whoop as he did, and kissing her so hard she thought he would push her teeth down her throat. What in hell are you doing here?

  I thought I'd come to Istanbul with you. She had made up her mind as he walked away. She knew she couldn't leave him yet. It wasn't time. And she could make it back to London in time to sail on the Mauretania on the fourteenth, if there were no major delays. And if there were, she would catch the next ship home after that. All she knew was that she had to be with him, no matter what. Does the invitation still stand? She was beaming at him now, and he desperately wanted a drink to soothe his frayed nerves.

  I think it might. He looked down at her ruefully, and then pulled her close to him again as the porter closed the door and left them alone. I never want to be without you again, Aud ' or at least not for a long, long time ' like the rest of my life. He smiled.

  Is that a proposal? She looked stunned.

  Of a sort. I can't imagine living without you again, Aud.

  She felt the same way about him. But one of them would have had to give up everything. She her family, or he his career. And she couldn't imagine either of them giving up what they loved. I don't think it's time to worry about that yet. Maybe we should just enjoy what we have. She was a wise woman, and she had made up her mind. She knew she had to be with him. And she intended to be. To Istanbul, certainly. And perhaps beyond. That remained to be seen.