As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  “I’ve always wanted to go to New York. That’s where I want to live after college. I want to experience New York because I’ve been stuck in suburban Sugar Hill for so long and I know I’d love it.”

  “No, you’d miss it here. You might love it for a year, but then you’d realize how ridiculously expensive it is to live in New York and how much faster everyone moves and you’d move back,” he said. “Besides, you can’t go ... I just met you.”

  Did he really just say that?

  I was dying to ask Ben who the woman was on his arm at the restaurant, but I didn’t think I had the right to yet.

  Our conversation the rest of the night was smooth and easy. We talked as if we were friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while. The familiarity was a bit confusing. In fact, it was almost too much to bear. The intense attraction I had for Ben caused a fear that welled up in my chest like a rope being tightened, suffocating me. I internally tried to talk myself down to subdue any desire to run right out the door away from him.

  “I have to say. This is a first. I’ve never had anyone chase after me,” said Ben as he opened his second beer.

  “It’s a first for me, too. Sorry if it took you off guard.”

  “No, I like surprises.”

  We stared at each other for a few moments. I wondered how I measured up to the other women he had been with. I desperately wanted to grab his face and kiss him, but I had already taken a huge chance on coming to Tallulah myself to find him. I couldn’t risk looking completely nefarious.

  As he took another swig of his beer, I saw his eyes glance my way, then quickly turn back to another part of the room.

  “How long are you staying here?” Ben asked.

  “I’m going to leave tomorrow, I think.”

  “What are you doing tomorrow morning?”

  “I’m not sure really,” I replied, desperately waiting for him to ask me to stay.

  “Oh. Well, it’s Sunday and the store is closed. Why don’t I pick you up at nine for breakfast?”

  “That’d be perfect.”

  “Where are you staying?”

  “About a mile down the road in one of the cabins on the way up to The Falls. I’m in #10.”

  “Okay then, Danielle Grayson,” Ben replied, looking at me intently with his sparkling green eyes. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

  We began to clean up our plates and toss the beer bottles into a trashcan. As I closed the pizza box, I saw Ben looking over his shoulder in my direction, but he quickly went back to wiping the table. I liked the feeling of his eyes on me.

  He walked me to my car and I watched him stroll away. I had just met the love of my life.

  “Looking forward to tomorrow morning, Danielle Grayson,” Ben shouted from across the street.

  I smiled at him and got into the driver’s side. I was glad I knew the roads well enough to get back without really thinking. My mind was on Ben. His eyes smiled when he talked and his lips were thin, but in perfect scale with the rest of his features. I should have been paying more attention to the road. In the distance, something caught my eye. Was that a person standing on the side of the road?

  “Shit!” I shouted as a figure of a man dressed in a suit passed me. He was transparent and I could see the mountain show through his body.

  “Oh my God!” There he was again, to the left now in the same stance. What the hell was going on?

  “Caroline,” I heard a whisper from the back seat of my car, but no one was there. I turned quickly to face the road again and swerved all over the place. It was a good thing no other cars were out now because I would have most likely been in an accident. I weaved in and out of both lanes, crossing the double yellow lines several times.

  As I pictured the man on the road, it slowly came to me that it was Robert. It had to have been. He had on the same suit as the Robert in my dreams and looked exactly like him. Oh dear God, now I’m seeing him in the present right in front of me.

  I got back to the cabin as fast as I could. I ran inside, slammed the front door, locked all the locks, turned on all the lights, and jumped into bed, pulling the covers all around me. I desperately wanted Ben with me so he could hold me and take the scare away.

  What was I going to do? How could I stop this? I sat for hours, quickly darting my eyes around the room to make sure it was just me in the cabin. I didn’t see Robert’s ghost again and eventually fell asleep in a seated position, still wearing my sundress.

  Chapter 8

  Ben pulled up at nine a.m. sharp in a shiny, black Audi sedan. He stepped out wearing crisply ironed khakis with bright white sneakers and a blue polo shirt. His hair was neatly in place, as usual. He slowly took off the aviator sunglasses he was wearing and approached my front door.

  I opened it before he could knock and saw that he was carrying a single pink rose behind his back.

  “How sweet of you, Ben. Thanks.” Bill was the only man who had ever given me flowers before.

  “A girl as beautiful as you should get a rose every day,” he replied while kissing my right hand.

  What a great way to start the morning.

  “Should we go?” he asked.

  “Absolutely.”

  He opened the passenger side door for me and we drove off to our second date.

  “So, I know you drove up here to see me, but you definitely know your way around this little town. I’m assuming you’ve spent some time here before?”

  “Tallulah is just where my friends and I always came. I’ve stayed in that cabin for as long as I can remember. It’s my happy place,” I replied. “Why did you move here, besides the fact that you wanted to get away from the city?”

  “I just picked a spot on the map one day, packed all of my stuff in my tiny New York apartment and came here.”

  “That’s incredibly spontaneous. Makes me coming here to find you seem normal.”

  “Let’s not go that far,” he said with a smirk. “I got kinda burned in my last relationship and I couldn’t stand to be there anymore,” Ben said, while removing his sunglasses so we could see each other better. “Plus, I really wanted to open a bookstore and there are so many in the city, I knew I had to go somewhere off the beaten path, so to speak.”

  “Well, you definitely achieved that by moving here.”

  “So, what are you studying at college?” Ben asked.

  “Journalism. Everyone in Sugar Hill goes to Gainesville, so it was just always the plan, I guess,” I looked down at my hands, embarrassed at having chosen the path of least resistance, following the crowd. “Where did you go to school?”

  “I actually studied at NYU for a while, but was overseas in England for most of my college career. That’s what started my love of rare books,” Ben said. “I went to NYU originally for art, but when I went abroad to study, I found this little bookstore in London that I fell in love with. I knew the second I stepped foot in the doors I wanted to open one just like it in the States.”

  I envied his drive to do what he loved regardless of the outcome. He fascinated me. I was drawn to him, there was no question about that, but he seemed way out of my league as a boyfriend, or even as a friend.

  “That’s amazing. I always wanted to go to Europe, but just never did,” I said with a sheepish slump in my seat. “Of course, I have some time for that, I guess.”

  We arrived at a little café called Biscotti. It was modern and brightly painted. The brilliant pink awnings that hung over the giant window in the front had the café’s name written in black script. A chalkboard right outside of the entranceway told us what the specials were and I took a step into our second date.

  “Do you like eggs?” Ben asked.

  “I like any kind of breakfast food.”

  Ben ordered us Tuscan omelets from the counter to the left with fresh fruit and lattes. It was very masculine of him to choose our menu. Many girls would have been turned off, but I loved it. He certainly knew what he liked and he wanted to show me.

  “The o
melets here are the best,” Ben said as we found a seat.

  We got a number and sat down at a silver metal table ringed with two oversized black leather chairs.

  “Thanks for taking me here,” I said.

  “Sure, it’s one of my favorite places.”

  There was a moment of silence, but I felt I had to interrupt that with a more serious question.

  “I’m sorry, but I hope you don’t think I’m weird for driving all the way back up here just to meet you when I saw you only once.” I hoped that by me bringing up how strange that seemed, he would be a little more at ease with it.

  “Actually, it’s kind of flattering. You’re beautiful and it’s nice to be the one being pursued for once.”

  “Well, good. It’s just that when I saw you last weekend, it was like I had seen you before and I know we’ve never met, but I really wanted to introduce myself. I’ve never done anything like this before.” I was nervously rambling again.

  “I’m glad you did.”

  “So, what are you going to do this summer now that you’re out of college?” Ben asked.

  “I have a job at Dairy Queen that I’ve had since I was fifteen, so I work there during the week serving all of the annoying out-of-towners from Atlanta,” I replied as I took my first bite of the scrumptious egg sensation filled with cheese and fresh vegetables.

  “What do you do for fun, then?”

  “Well, you met my friend Shannon, but I also have two other friends I hang out with - Brad, who’s her boyfriend, and Eric,” I explained.

  “Oh, is Eric like your summer boyfriend?”

  “No, not at all. He’s more like a brother to me. We’ve known each other since the third grade. So ... what do you do for fun, Ben?”

  “I go hiking, read - which is pretty obvious - and eat. I really like eating,” he said as he shoved a golf ball-sized chunk of omelet into his mouth with bits of egg falling down his chin.

  He made me laugh so hard I spewed the juice I was drinking out onto the table. How embarrassing.

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry,” I said while tears of laughter welled up in my eyes.

  “No problem,” he said as he launched bits of egg at me.

  I could tell this was the start of a very good relationship.

  “I know you’re not supposed to ask a woman this, but how old are you, Dani? Twenty, twenty-one?”

  “Eighteen, actually.”

  “Wow! Much younger than I expected,” he said. “I’m 26. Does that freak you out?”

  “No.” Although it might freak out Mama and Bill when I told them.

  “Now that that’s out of the way, what do you want to do for the rest of the day?” he asked.

  “As much as I would love to stay with you forev - ” I swallowed the word and corrected myself, “for the rest of the day, I should get back home before someone starts wondering where I am.”

  “You didn’t tell anyone you were coming here?”

  “No, my mama thinks I’m with Shannon visiting friends at Gainesville and Shannon’s ma thinks she’s doing the same thing with me.”

  “Clever. That sucks that you have to go back, but I understand. When can I see you again?”

  “Here’s my number, call me,” I replied as I wrote my number on a monogrammed napkin from our table. Again, I surprised myself with how forward I was being.

  “Okay, I will.”

  We finished what was left of our breakfast, then Ben drove me back to the cabin where I packed up my things, returned the key, and started the drive home.

  It took me less than an hour. I guess I drove so fast because I was anxious about telling Shannon, Brad, and Eric where I was all weekend and hoping Shannon didn’t call my house to ask for me before I got there.

  As I pulled into the driveway, I saw Eric on the front steps with his head in his hands. Something had happened while I was gone.

  Chapter 9

  “Hey Eric, what’s up?” I asked as I began to step out of my car. I’d seen the same expression on his face in the past.

  “Nothing much, my parents are just fighting again. Can I hang out here for a while? And hey ... where have you been?”

  “We’ll get to that later,” I replied not wanting to ask Eric to feel happy for me when he clearly wasn’t happy himself.

  The day began sunny, but was quickly turning windy and cool. It was the kind of day that could be mistaken for a crisp fall afternoon. I sat outside with Eric for a while, talking about things other than his family life. I caught Mama’s eye in the kitchen window, revealing my concern for Eric with the look on my face. Moments later she arrived with a tray of sweet tea and tuna sandwich wedges.

  “Thanks, Mrs. G,” said Eric. He was the only one she would allow to call her that.

  “You okay, sweetie?” Mama asked Eric. “Your parents havin’ issues again?”

  She’s known Eric well enough over the years to know that his mama and daddy had their share of problems and would talk about divorce like they were debating over which restaurant to order takeout from. It had taken its toll on Eric and he had learned to just walk away when it got bad enough.

  “Yeah, they’ll be fine, though. Mind if I stay for a bit?” Eric asked as he glanced up at Mama.

  “Not at all. We’re having salmon for dinner, okay?” She patted him on the head and went back inside.

  “Hmmm Mmmm,” Eric replied in a defeated tone.

  Just as I started to take a bite of my sandwich, my cell phone rang and I saw it was Shannon.

  “Hey Shannon, how was your weekend?” I asked her, knowing full well that with a weekend to themselves, Shannon and Brad were doing things she couldn’t ever tell her parents.

  “It was great. We’re better than we ever were.” That was a statement that would change a week from now.

  “Want to come over for dinner?”

  “Sure. Brad and I will leave soon.”

  Eric and I finished up our sandwiches and informed Mama and Bill that we’d have more guests for dinner. Then we walked to the wooded backyard behind the deck and sat around the small fire pit to wait for Shannon and Brad.

  “We could sleep out here tonight with a fire and some S’mores,” I said to Eric as I kicked stones and twigs into a small dirt pile.

  “Absolutely, but I didn’t bring anything to stay over.”

  “You probably have something here. You always leave stuff at my house.”

  “Yeah, you’re right.”

  Shannon and Brad pulled up minutes later and we met them at the front porch.

  “Hey, Dani! Did you find your mystery man?” Brad asked with his hand around Shannon’s waist.

  “Actually, I did,” I replied.

  “You did?” said Shannon.

  “Shhhhh.” We couldn’t talk anymore because we had made our way up to the final step on the porch before the front door and it would be too risky with Mama and Bill inside.

  Shannon grabbed my hand as we went in and gave me this look like, ‘You better tell me everything.’

  Eric found a deck of cards in the dining room hutch and we began a game of Gin Rummy before dinner.

  “I think the four of you will be friends forever,” said Mama as she stirred up green beans with butter in a pot. “Look at everything you've gone through together. Who knows where your young lives will take you. One thing I do know is that I'm glad Dani has y'all in her life.” Mama's southern emotional charm was coming out after just one glass of wine.

  After losing miserably, I set the table and prepared for another meal with my extended Georgian family.

  Dinner was exceptional, as usual. The smells of garlic and butter filled the whole house. I was anxious to get outside and fill everyone in on my weekend with Ben, so I ate fast and began to gather sleeping bags, the tent, and everything we needed to make S’mores.

  "Honey, why are you runnin' around the house while everyone else is still eating? It's extremely rude. Sit your pretty little butt in this chair, young lady."

/>   "Sorry, Mama.” I hated being scolded in front of my friends but I knew she was right.

  When I could see that almost everyone was finished with their meal, I slowly got up and headed to the fire pit area in our backyard and began to set up the tents while everyone else was still inside. I wanted to get everything ready so I could jump right into the recap of my weekend with Ben.

  Just as I pounded the last pole into the ground to secure the second tent, my friends came out with snacks in hand, anxiously waiting to hear about The Falls.

  “So spill it, Dani,” said Shannon.

  “After Shannon called and said she'd be staying at Brad’s house all weekend, I thought about what I was going to do and the idea of sitting around, bored out of my mind, wasn’t exactly appealing,” I began. “I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy we saw in Tallulah the other weekend and I had to find out who he was."

  "So where’d you find him?" Brad asked.

  “I'm getting there,” I replied.

  “Anyway ...” I started again, “I went back to The Falls hoping to see him again. I sat outside the coffee shop we sat at, Shannon, and after a few hours, I saw him in the bookstore again. It’s his bookstore, by the way.”

  “You mean, he owns it?” asked Shannon.

  “Yup. And he was just as perfect as I remembered.”

  “Wait! You went to The Falls by yourself in search of a man you’ve never even met?” Eric shook his head and threw his hands in the air judgementally.

  “I know. It’s completely uncharacteristic of me, but listen. We talked for a bit and then he asked me to come back to the store after it was closed and have dinner with him.”

  “No way!” shouted Shannon.

  “Nothing like this ever happens to me. His name is Ben and I think we have a really amazing connection. I got ready back at the cabin, then met him at his bookstore. When I got there, we were both really hungry so he went across the street to grab us a pizza. While I waited for him, I started wandering around the store. His place is incredible. It’s got all of these rare books. He studied in England and he’s sooo intelligent and handsome and funny.”