As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  “I can’t believe he asked you out on a date right away like that,” said Shannon.

  “Why? You think you’re the only girl who can get dates?” I was annoyed with her insinuation that I couldn’t get anyone to ever ask me out.

  “No. No, of course not. That’s not what I meant,” Shannon replied defensively.

  “Anyway, it was perfect. We talked for hours. Then he picked me up the next morning and took me to Biscotti - this little restaurant just outside of Tallulah. I gave him my number, so we’ll see if he calls me.”

  “Holy shit, Dani, that’s awesome,” shouted Shannon, making up for her earlier comment.

  “I know, it’s fabulous, but I’m not getting my hopes up. It was just a really wonderful twenty-four hours and who knows? I could have scared him off since I was practically stalking him.”

  “Got any more chocolate?” asked Eric as he rooted around in the grocery bags.

  “I don’t know,” I replied, a bit pissed off at Eric’s apparent lack of interest. “Seriously, all you have to ask me is if I have any chocolate? Sometimes you can be so insensitive.”

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt. Ben sounds really great, but you don’t even know the guy.”

  Just as Eric finished his lecture, my cell phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize.

  “Oh my God ... that’s Ben,” said Shannon as she leapt off of the tree stump she had been sitting on. She put her head next to mine so she could hear the voice on the other end.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Hey. Dani?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s Ben.”

  “Oh, hey, Ben,” I put extra emphasis on the word Ben while my eyes darted around to Shannon, then Eric, and finally Brad.

  “So, it’s probably a little quick for me to call you and you probably think I’m pathetic, but I’d love to see you again. Would you want to go out to dinner with me sometime this week?”

  “Sure, when?”

  “Uh, how about Wednesday? I could meet you at six-thirty somewhere between Sugar Hill and Tallulah after the bookstore closes. I know this great little seafood place just off Route52.”

  “Okay, just text me with the name of the restaurant and I’ll meet you there.”

  “Great. Can’t wait to see you again.”

  “Me too,” I replied with the biggest smile on my face. “Oh, and I'm really glad you called.”

  "See you on Wednesday, Danielle."

  We hung up and I started dancing around the fire in circles. I realized it was adolescent, but I couldn’t help myself. My friends stared, looking happy for me, but mostly surprised at how interested Ben was in me.

  Hours of conversation passed with small interjections from me. I faded in and out of the chatter about our plans for the summer. It dawned on me that I never got the chance to finish what Eric and I talked about the other night when he told me he wanted to transfer to another school.

  It must have been after midnight before we all turned into our sleeping bags. Eric and I were paired up as usual, but I didn’t mind.

  We fell asleep to the sounds of firewood crackling while the last of the flames dimmed to red-hot coals at the bottom. It was a sound that would put me to sleep in minutes.

  * * *

  “Where have you been?” asked Robert.

  I could hear their conversation from the top of the staircase as I slowly made my way down with Rebecca close behind.

  “I was helping a few people put out fires that started in their houses. It was everywhere. We couldn’t keep up. I worked straight through the night,” replied John.

  As I stepped down, one level at a time, I could see that John was shorter than Robert, but beefier, with graying hair and a receding hairline. His buttoned shirt was halfway in his pants and halfway out. Sweat stains covered it and turned the once white top into an off-white mess. A waft of smoke filled the house as he stepped further into the foyer.

  The closer I got to John, the more I realized I recognized him, too. He wasn’t as easy to pinpoint as the connection between Robert and Ben, but I knew he was someone I had once known. It was in the shape of his eyes and the tone of his voice.

  “Oh, Caroline ... Rebecca ... John’s fine. He’s fine,” said Robert in a relieved voice as he motioned all of us towards John so we could give him a big group hug.

  “Thank God,” said Rebecca.

  My mother flew by us down the stairs and practically knocked John over when she tackled him, thankful he was okay.

  “You gave us quite the scare,” she said.

  “It was one hell of a night, that’s for sure.”

  Tears began to well up in my eyes as I thought about the possibility of his demise. I had known him all my life. Quick pictures came to me of Caroline and John playing jacks in the front of the house that was now cinders. I could hear their laughter. I was really beginning to feel her emotions. She was becoming a greater part of me.

  The day progressed with all of the townspeople helping each other in an effort to clean up from the disaster. We learned earlier in the day that the owner of the hotel, who was believed to have ignited the fire, hopped on a train out of town right before it began. Robert thought that was a bit curious since there were rumors of the hotel’s financial instability.

  Robert and I caught each other’s eyes a few times throughout the day as we walked along ash-covered streets. I began to feel something for this man in my dreams. I went back and forth between loving him and pushing away from my emotions towards this stranger. It was as though Caroline and I were creating an internal struggle between ourselves and our personal attachments to Robert.

  I walked next to John and suddenly felt Robert scoop me up from behind. It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to react. He wrapped his dirty arms around my waist. I flew in a circle off the ground and turned to meet him face-to-face. He slowly set me down, letting his strong fingers glide up my body and stopping just below my breasts.

  In a moment, he kissed me. And I kissed back.

  Chapter 10

  When I woke up the next morning, Eric wasn’t in the tent. I could see from the mesh window in this now sweltering hot dome that Shannon and Brad were not moving around yet. I peeked my head out of the small opening, but didn’t see him.

  I threw on my trusty flip-flops and began a walk to find him. I didn’t want to shout his name because I wasn’t sure what time it was. Plus, I really wanted to track him down silently without waking anyone else so I could get to the bottom of this whole Northeastern business. It looked as though the sun had just risen over the horizon. It was way too early to be awake.

  I walked about a half-mile into the woods before I found him. A small creek graced the edge of our property where Eric sat tossing small pebbles into the water.

  “What are you doing out here?” I asked Eric as I approached cautiously.

  “Not much. Just thinking, I guess.”

  “About what? Boston?”

  “No. About you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m worried about you. You’re acting strange lately. I don’t understand why you would run off for a weekend in search of someone you’ve never met.”

  “I’m happy. Why aren’t you okay with that?”

  “Like I said,” he began harshly. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt. You’re like a sister to me.”

  “Thanks for being concerned, but I’ll be alright. I’m a big girl. Besides, I never get to go on dates. This is good for me.” I sat down beside him and pulled his chin towards mine.

  “I got into Northeastern. I leave in August.” I pushed his face away.

  We didn’t have much to say to one another after that. What was I going to do without him? He had been my crutch for the two years since Justin was gone and now I’d have to deal with Shannon and Brad on my own. Sophomore year at Gainesville wasn’t going to be the same without Eric’s support. I’d miss our Sundays sitting on the lawn behind the library pr
etending to study when we were really just critiquing every student who passed by. No one was safe when we had a test coming up or a term paper that needed to be researched.

  “How can you leave Gainesville when you just started?” I asked, staring hopelessly at the dirt on the ground.

  “I just want to be somewhere else,” Eric replied, still throwing small stones into the creek.

  Something more was going on with him and I would figure it out, but not now. This required hours of conversation and we didn’t have that kind of time.

  We walked back in silence and arrived at the campsite to Brad and Shannon cleaning up the S’mores disaster. The four of us began to tear down the tents when we heard Mama’s voice coming from the front porch.

  “Breakfast is ready,” yelled Mama, always the perfect hostess.

  Eric, Shannon, and Brad left after enjoying scrambled eggs and bacon.

  The next few days were the same as usual - Dairy Queen, movies with Mama and Bill, but no dreams about Robert.

  Wednesday couldn’t come soon enough, and that morning I was happier than ever. I skipped around the house, humming various songs. Mama and Bill started to get curious, but I told them I just loved being home so much, which was enough to stop any questioning.

  After work, I drove up to the restaurant off Route 52 and met Ben for our third date. I was early, as usual, and didn’t see his car yet. As I pulled into a parking spot, I inhaled deeply to calm my nerves, then slowly exhaled, letting all of the stress of the week out. I pictured his lips kissing mine for the first time as I took in a deep breath and let this uncharacteristic passion engulf my body.

  A knock on my window startled me. It was Ben. I hoped he didn’t notice my pursed lips or that my back was arched awkwardly as I imagined our first sensual embrace.

  “Hey there,” he said.

  “Hi.”

  “Wanna go inside or are you just going to stay out here all night?” he asked.

  “Sure, let’s go in.”

  We held hands as we walked into the restaurant and l liked the feel of his fingers entwined with mine. He led me to a little table in the back near a window that overlooked a large field. The restaurant was full of hungry patrons and only one table remained for the line of people ordering up front.

  “So how are you? I missed you,” said Ben.

  “I’m good. Better now that I’m here with you.”

  Ben ordered us an appetizer while we looked over the extensive menu. I decided on chicken marsala and he chose gnocchi with pink vodka sauce.

  “What have you been doing with your summer days since the last time I saw you?” he asked as he took a sip of wine. “You know, you can order a drink here. No one knows you’re eighteen. Besides, you’re with me and everyone here knows who I am. They trust me.”

  “I’ll just have what you’re having.”

  Ben motioned to our waiter for another glass.

  I was nervous this time. More nervous than before. I think it was because of the dream I had about kissing Robert. I wondered if my dream would translate into reality for Ben and me. “So, to answer your question, I haven’t been very busy. Just working and watching movies with Mama.”

  “Well, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I hope it was okay that I called you so soon. I know there’s that magical waiting period of a day or so before you’re supposed to call a woman, but I couldn’t wait,” Ben said.

  “I’m really glad you called,” I whispered.

  “Me, too. I can’t believe you’re only eighteen. You seem well beyond your years.”

  “I know. I’m young. So, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” Ben replied as he took a bite of the cheesy crab dip.

  “Who was that woman you were with in the restaurant when I first saw you?”

  “Oh, she was a friend from New York. I think she’d like to be more, but there’s nothing there from my end.”

  “That’s good to hear. I mean ... I’m sorry,” I nervously tried to recover.

  “No, it’s fine,” Ben laughed as he spoke. “I’m not sorry. If it would have worked out with Lori and I, then you and I wouldn’t be sitting here. So, I’m absolutely not sorry. I really wish our waiter would bring out your Chianti because you need to relax a little bit. You’re so tense.”

  “I know. I’m just not used to anyone taking me out nice places and treating me the way you do. I mean, my family is great but I’ve never really been to a restaurant like this.”

  “This isn’t the last time I’m going to take you on a date, Danielle, so you better get used to it.” Ben laughed as he took another sip of wine. Something inside, beneath my belly, felt warm and heated by the thought of seeing Ben more often. I wanted to leap across the table and entwine my entire body with his, wrap my legs around his waist and press my lower half into his. I silenced my libido and focused on our present conversation. “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?”

  “Anywhere but here, I guess. I’ve never really been outside of Georgia before. My family just never had the money to travel.”

  “Well then, I’ll take you to some amazing places. Maybe even to England one day so you can see the inspiration for my store.”

  “I’d love that.”

  We stayed at the restaurant for three hours before parting ways. Ben walked me out to my car and as I was about to put the key in the door to open it, he grabbed my shoulders and spun me around to meet him. He kissed me and my stomach felt like I had dropped from a 25-foot cliff.

  He placed his hands softly on both sides of my face and I could feel my skin turn to a rosy shade of blush as our lips met and our tongues danced together. I realized that my arms hung in a lustful surrender by my sides, but quickly found their way to Ben’s strong biceps as if they were being controlled by strings on a marionette. Our kiss stopped time and made all of my recent visions melt away. Since I’d met Ben, I’d been the happiest I had been since Justin passed and I didn’t want the moment to end. We slowly pulled apart and locked eyes.

  “I’m falling for you, Dani. Don’t go anywhere. Stay put. I have something to give you.” Ben raced to his car. Those next few seconds before Ben got back left me feeling like the prettiest girl in the world. No one had ever kissed me like that, or felt anything like this for me before. I pinched my own arm to see if it was real.

  “I wanted to give you something so you can think about me when I’m not there,” he said as he handed me a small package wrapped up in brown paper and tied with a string. “I know it’s not the best wrap job, but I did my best.”

  I laughed and quickly opened it. It was a very decorative bookmark that looked like a long wooden hook with jewels hanging from the top.

  “I made it.”

  “You made this? Wow!” I was shocked.

  “Yeah, it’s sort of a hobby. And it’s something you can use every night when you’re reading. That is, if you read at night. I’m not sure if you do, but at least you can keep it on your nightstand and think of me. I’ve sold a few in my store. People seem to like them.”

  “This is beautiful, Ben. Thanks so much. I think it’s the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever given me.” Except, of course, the necklace Justin had given me when I turned sixteen, I thought to myself.

  He kissed me on the cheek and began to walk to his car before turning around half way there. “Can we do this again?”

  “Absolutely. I have your number now, so I’ll call you tomorrow if that’s okay. Maybe you can come to Sugar Hill next time.”

  “I’d love to,” Ben replied as he blew me a kiss and opened his car door. I was disappointed that our night together was over.

  We got in our cars and drove away in separate directions. I found myself paying more attention to the rearview mirror as I drove off, watching his break lights in the distance become smaller and smaller until they disappeared. I wasn’t sure if this meant that we were officially dating now. I’d have to bring that up when we saw each other again. I
needed to know what Ben thought we were.

  A sense of despair suddenly came over me. In just a few weeks, it would be exactly two years since Justin’s death. At first I thought I was just subconsciously thinking about him more lately, as I usually did this time of year and every year since the accident. Then pieces of my dream came into my head and I started connecting the dots.

  Justin’s voice sounded very similar to the voice of John in my dreams, but that was impossible. John was an overweight, older man who looked nothing like my deceased brother. For a split second, an image of Justin singing “Happy Birthday” while standing by my side during a family party appeared in my memory.

  “This is one hell of a night,” Justin said in my ear.

  I’d heard those same seven words before. I remembered John saying the exact thing to my Victorian mother in my dreams. Maybe it was real.

  Chapter 11

  I went to bed that night hoping I’d have another dream so I could connect more missing pieces. I longed to see Robert again. I wanted to feel his lips on mine and the touch of his hands around my waist. I was disappointed when I woke up the next morning without a flashback. It made me feel better though when I saw the clock and it was precisely ten a.m. I could call Ben and see if he wanted to come to Sugar Hill for the first time.

  The phone rang only once and Ben picked up.

  “So I was thinking, would you want to come here on Saturday and meet my friends? Maybe even my parents, too?” I asked as I clenched my teeth and tightened my hands into fists. We had only been on three dates and really didn’t know each other that well yet. I knew he owned a bookstore and spent time overseas, but so what? I didn’t know what his bad habits were, or what made him laugh, or his favorite food. Maybe it was too soon.

  “I can’t wait. I’ll close the bookstore early and come to your house around four. Does that work?”

  “That’s perfect, but are you sure you can just up and leave like that?”

  “Sure. It’s mine. I can do whatever I want.”