Staying True (Gay Romance)

by Trina Solet

  Realizing what he was doing was stupid, Troy went to his own bedroom. With his head on his own pillow, he looked at the sketches he and Spencer had been talking about only a few days before. His ideal man was just a few lines. He could easily be Spencer, but it might be anyone else too. Troy wasn't looking for that guy yet. That would come later when he was ready for relationships and love and all that.

  Troy wasn't desperate for a relationship any time soon, only the things that went with it like sharing everything, texting all the time, knowing he would see his guy at the end of every day and every single morning. He hated not knowing if Spencer was coming home tonight.

  Hearing the front door, he jumped out of bed and rushed out. It was only Greg. Troy failed completely when it came to hiding his disappointment. Greg gave him a look of scorn.

  "Do you and Spencer have any idea what in hell you're doing?" Greg asked him as he plugged in his phone to charge.

  "Kind of," Troy said. That was as good as a no to Greg.

  "You two are turning into a tangled fucking mess. One of you needs to straighten the mess out."

  "I don't think it's a mess," Troy said. His tone was still as unconvincing as before.

  "You're a very confused boy, aren't you?"

  "Yes. I'm new at this..."

  Greg cut him off. "This goes beyond being a newbie."

  "Just call me stupid."

  "If you insist. You stupid idiot!" Greg snapped at him.

  Even though he asked for it, Troy was a little startled. "I'll figure it out. Eventually."

  "At whose expense?" Greg asked sharply.

  "I wouldn't do anything to hurt Spencer," Troy declared.

  "You already are," Greg said exasperated then he rolled his eyes. "I have the worst taste in roommates."

  As he retreated to his bedroom, Troy knew that Greg was more than a roommate or a landlord to Spencer. He was a friend. A good friend based on the talking to he just gave Troy. He wondered what that was like.

  Troy didn't really miss his friends from back home. They didn't exactly have his back. Some of them had been weirded out that he was gay "all of a sudden." Troy tried to explain that he had been gay all along, but he only got more strange looks. His best friend claimed he was mad at him for not being honest, for pretending to be straight.

  "I don't even know who you are, man," Brad said when he walked away from him.

  Troy was sure it was just an excuse so he didn't have to be friends with a gay guy. Good riddance. Maybe he hadn't been honest with his friends or with himself, but it shouldn't have been a big deal to them who he slept with. He could understand his ex girlfriends being mad. At least that made some kind of sense.

  What Greg said made sense too. Troy needed to stop waiting for Spencer to come home. He needed to get out. This was a perfect opportunity to hook up with someone else for once.

  Troy was always too conscious of Spencer by his side to pick up anyone when they went out together. Without him there, it should be no problem. He would go to Fenders. Spencer told him he didn't like that place so there was hardly any chance of running into him there. Troy was a free man and tonight he was going to experience what that meant.

  The lights at Fenders seemed harsh to Troy, the music painfully loud. He just needed to get used to the place. A drink or two should help. The crowd around the bar was thick, but Troy got his hands on a beer eventually. His eyes roamed the dancing bodies and the inquisitive eyes that stared back at him.

  Even among so many people, Troy felt weirdly alone. Going out without Spencer was kind of a bummer. He missed the bump of his shoulder, feeling him move to the music, hearing him speak directly in his ear so he could hear over the noise. Later on, when he was ready to give up and leave the place, Troy knew he would miss going home with him through dark streets, hearing him laugh too loud in the quiet of the night.

  As he was trying to make himself stay a little longer so he wouldn't feel like a total loser, Troy noticed that a guy was watching him very intently. His hair was longish, dark blond matching his stubble. He had a great body and moved like he knew it.

  After he was sure he had Troy's full attention, the guy came over to lean next to him. He would turn to look meaningfully at Troy now and then. Every time he did, Troy admired his perfect face and body. He reminded him of that male model looking guy he had rejected once upon a time.

  Maybe that had been a mistake, but he wouldn't repeat it tonight. This guy was interested, and Troy would be an idiot not to do something with him. Even if they just messed around a little, it would be a step forward. He would be free from his dependence on Spencer.

  This guy was making it easy, doing most of the work for him. The blond guy spoke into his ear and asked him to go in the back with him. Troy felt the guy's hand trace the line of his zipper. A little startled, Troy watched the blond guy bite his lower lip then lick it while giving Troy a smoldering look. He was hot and he was eager. It was a no-brainer. Then why the fuck was Troy shaking his head and walking away?

  Troy walked home, questioning himself the whole way. If that guy didn't do it for him, there were plenty of other guys there. Why did he have to run like that? It was almost like he felt guilty. But he wasn't doing anything wrong.

  This thing with Spencer had him all mixed up. Lines were getting blurry. Being with him so much was messing with his head. It was too much like a real relationship, and he felt like a cheater if he even looked at other guys. He couldn't get his head in the game while he felt tied to Spencer.

  They were not a couple. He shouldn't be paralyzed by guilt. But if his heart told him he was about to cheat, he couldn't deny it and he couldn't go through with it. Greg was right about him. Troy was an idiot who didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

  The answer was obvious even to him. Troy clenched his jaw and cursed. It wasn't the end of the world. No one was in love. They were just a little too close. Things wouldn't have to change that much. They lived together. It wasn't like he wasn't going to be seeing Spencer all the time. There was no reason for Troy to feel like his feet were too heavy to take another step.

  Chapter 18

  Spencer was back. As he came home, Troy smiled on seeing him. With his legs over the armrest, Spencer was lying on the couch. He had his laptop balanced on his stomach and a phone to his ear. He smiled at Troy too, and that was enough for him to forget his stupid decision. It would be much better to drag Spencer off to his room.

  Right now Spencer was busy talking someone through some kind of computer problem. Lucky for Troy or his resolve would crumble. He wished he wasn't into Spencer so much. Then he could let him go easily and move on to other guys.

  To entice his imagination away from Spencer, he tried to picture some perfect guy he could be screwing. His mind just kept going back to the guy right in front of him. A perfect guy just couldn't compare to the way Spencer's dark eyes turned even darker when he looked at Troy, or the way he licked peanut butter off a spoon.

  Turning away from Spencer's legs dangling over the arm of the couch, Troy went to his room alone. He was an idiot. If he didn't do it now, he would lose his nerve and leave it until it was too late. Even if Troy didn't want it that way, things between them were just too serious, too close for him to go fucking around as long as Spencer was there waiting for him with open arms. He had to end it now.

  Troy heard Spencer getting up, snapping his laptop closed and taking it to his own room. This was it. Following him into his bedroom, Troy shut the door. Silent for a moment, he tried to think of the right thing to say. Then he blurted out, "I'm ready to move on to other guys now. It's time. I already have my eye on someone." That last part was a lie. Maybe all of it was.

  Spencer sat down on his bed and stared at Troy with a blank look on his face. "What if we're meant for each other?" he asked in a whisper that could barely be heard even in the quiet room.

  Troy closed his eyes. The sight of Spencer was so painful to him right now. He answered in a whisper of his own. "I
f you're the one for me, then I met you too soon. I can't get serious now. I haven't done anything. There are so many guys out there. I can't settle. I can't."

  Troy just wanted this horrible moment to end. He wanted to run from Spencer's hushed, broken voice and from the blank expression that masked Spencer's real face. He didn't want to hear what came next. He wanted to put his fingers in his ears and run out of the room like a five-year-old. But he was rooted to the spot.

  Spencer stood up and took a step toward Troy. His voice turned harsh as he said, "You're right. It was a mistake to start this."

  "That's not what I said," Troy said but Spencer dismissed his interruption.

  "It's my fault. You fell into bed with me because I was there throwing myself at you."

  "No. I did it because I like you, and that's the reason we need to stop this," Troy said, desperate to explain.

  "Sure. Makes perfect sense. You're dumping me because you like me so much."

  "Are you going to tell me that you would be OK if I slept with someone else?" Troy said to make himself clear.

  Spencer didn't answer so Troy kept talking. "I'm not OK with it either. I know I'm not cheating on you because we aren't together like that, but some stupid part of my brain doesn't know it. Something inside me won't let me be with other guys as long as I'm with you. So I'm ending this for both our sakes."

  "Remind me to thank you later," Spencer said bitterly.

  "I do care about you and I'm sorry." It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say, but it got the job done. Spencer walked past him and opened the bedroom door to show him out. As he left, the hurt, angry look in his eyes told Troy that they were over for good.

  *

  Spencer slammed the door then stared at it dumbly. It was like he expected Troy to walk in again and take back what he said. Even now, Spencer didn't want to take it in. The terrible pain building in his heart echoed Troy's words. He was helpless to stop their flow. Every word slammed into his chest and slashed his heart to pieces. It was over.

  Troy was ready to move on to hotter guys, guys in his league. Spencer knew this was coming. Of course he did. He had known Troy wasn't ready for a relationship. Then why was he standing there in shock, feeling empty and alone? Why was he in agony?

  The stab of pain was so much worse than he expected. Then the sharp pain turned into a deep ache that filled his chest. It welled up and threatened to make him cry. Spencer shook his head, telling himself, "No, no, no. You were stupid. You got yourself into this. You will not cry about it."

  Chapter 19

  Day after day, Spencer was relieved to go to work and dreaded leaving at the end of the day. He didn't want to go anywhere. At the apartment building, the gray hallway greeted him as he went up the stairs. He hated coming home since Troy ended things. There wasn't much he liked these days.

  Even his bed didn't look inviting to him any more. It was too big for him all of a sudden. Only a handful of nights sleeping with Troy, but he could still feel the weight of Troy's arm flung over him as he fell asleep. He could smell his skin and hear the rumble of his voice in his ear. Just a taste of having Troy's big body next to him, or even better wrapped around him, ruined his good night's sleep.

  Spencer sat on the edge of the bed and looked for anything in his room that didn't remind him of Troy. He wasn't sure there was anything in the world that wouldn't make him think of Troy. He couldn't get away from him, but the real Troy hadn't spent much time in the apartment recently.

  Whenever Spencer saw him, he felt so much pain that he couldn't even manage to be civil, just walked past him after a curt hi. The fact was he had nothing to say to him, or was it that he had too much to say and he was afraid that he would blurt it all out, sobbing and cursing at Troy, and generally humiliating himself. It was better to avoid him than risk a scene like that.

  Spencer had never been good at letting go or knowing when not to get attached. But this was the worst. He didn't just get a little too attached to Troy, he loved him with his whole stupid, broken heart.

  There was no neutral spot in the apartment, but Spencer went to lie down on the couch where he and Troy made out but never actually had sex at least. His stomach felt empty but he couldn't be bothered to eat. Sitting in a stupor, he was willing his eyes to stop stinging with tears. He wouldn't cry.

  His chest might feel like it was on fire with repressed sobs, his teeth might be clenched so tight to hold back anguished sounds, and his eyes squeezed tight to hold back tears, but he wasn't crying. He nearly doubled over shaking from the pain, but Spencer refused to cry even if it might have made him feel better. He would just let the pain inside him build and build until it crushed him.

  As he blinked to clear his eyes of tears without shedding a single one, he heard footsteps outside the front door and listened. Either they would be heavy or sharp, Troy or Greg. At first he only heard the door open and close, and he held his breath.

  "And there you are," Greg said seeing him moping. It wasn't a new thing and he was probably sick of it.

  "Next time I do this to myself, promise to slap some sense into me," Spencer told him.

  "There better not be a next time or I will." Greg flexed his long fingers and cracked his knuckles to let him know he was serious. Reaching into a shopping bag, he brought out a bottle of red wine. He got two glasses from the kitchen and sat with Spencer on the couch.

  "That's not for me, is it? I hate wine," Spencer told him peevishly.

  "OK, then how would you like to drown your sorrows? Beer?" Greg asked him.

  "No. Beer would remind me of Troy." Spencer slouched then turned to look at Greg. "How long did it hurt when you broke up with the guy before Joao?" This feeling had to pass eventually. It had to. His heart hurt as well as his head. He felt like his brain was full of unshed tears. He needed some words of hope form Greg.

  "I don't know," Greg said as he poured the wine. "I wasn't a hundred percent until Joao came along."

  "Then there's no hope for me."

  "Drink this," Greg said and forced a glass of wine into his hand.

  Spencer took a sip and grimaced. "You don't have to sit with me," he told Greg.

  "I hear misery loves company," Greg told him and clinked his glass against Spencer's.

  "Not this misery. You have a boyfriend. Go have fun with him."

  Greg ignored his suggestion and sighed. "I told you to be careful," Greg said then he hugged him and told him he was an idiot. The hug was nice and the idiot thing was only the truth. "You want me to kick him out?" Greg asked surprising Spencer with his show of loyalty. Sometimes Spencer forgot that Greg was a pretty nice guy under all that scolding.

  "No. I just need to hurry up and get over it." Spencer lowered his head. He wished he could calm down and pretend to be fine. "I'm just dreading seeing him with someone else," he admitted under his breath.

  "That was bound to happen, and it's better now than if it happened while the two of you were doing your thing. Would you ever be OK with letting him fuck around?"

  There was that question again. When Troy asked, Spencer couldn't answer. He would either have to lie or admit how he really felt. He wasn't about to do that in the middle of Troy breaking up with him.

  Drinking a few glasses of wine only made his head worse so Spencer put Greg out of his misery and went to his room. When he went to bed, the sleepless hours stretched on like the night would never end. And worse than that, Spencer was way too aware of the fact that Troy wasn't home. He really didn't want to know why.

  A horrible thought occurred to him,. What if Troy brought someone home with him. Spencer sat up straight. Turning his head toward Troy's bedroom, he realized how bad it would be. He would be able to hear them through the wall. The muffled sounds of sex, the familiar sounds of Troy being satisfied would be unmistakable to Spencer after hearing them from close up.

  Spencer got out of bed and got dressed hurriedly. He had to get out of there. In his rush, he put on two different shoes. He considered leaving
like that, but calmed down enough to dress himself properly. After all he might run into Troy and some guy right on the stairs. He couldn't let Troy see what a mess he was.

  Knowing he would be seeing him all the time, Spencer wished he could keep things friendly between them. He really did like Troy as a person but the way he hurt inside was too sharp. Maybe when the pain died down, he could face being friends with him. For now he just wanted to lock up his feelings and throw away the key.

  Spencer should have gone to see one of his friends, but he didn't want to be a downer or worse, have to pretend to be fine. Instead, he walked aimlessly while his head pounded.

  He wondered how long he would keep walking just to avoid seeing Troy. One dark street was looking like every other. He felt like he might lose his way even in this familiar town. That was an idea. He could just keep going until he got lost then he would never have to face Troy again.

  And it was the weekend. It was going to be a long one. Spencer didn't know what he would do with himself. For now he needed to head for home and get himself into bed. To hell with Troy and who he might have brought home. Spencer was dead tired.

  When he got home, he grabbed a bottle of water and sat down on the couch. He only meant to get off his feet for a minute. But after all these sleepless nights, his eyes closed on their own and he was fast asleep before he knew it.

  Spencer's eyes snapped open. Raising his head and looking around, he realized that the noise that woke him was Troy getting a bowl and a box of cereal. For a moment, Spencer was disoriented. His confusion didn't last. He remembered that he had fallen asleep on the couch and that the days when he was happy to be woken up by Troy were over.