Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  * * *

  Chris was so satisfied with his dinner that he had all but forgotten about Ethan. He spent the drive home bragging about it. A wave of relief washed over me as I went to my room with no argument from him that night. When I woke up, he was gone again.

  I called in the morning to confirm some things for the twin’s birthday. It was now less than a month away. I rented the hall, and ordered a cake. It would be April so it needed to be inside. April in Michigan was kind of a gamble. It would either be ridiculously warm, or still snowing.

  As far as entertainment, I was at a loss. I was afraid a clown might scare them, and Jimmy wasn’t really into princesses so I wasn’t going to call for one. After too much thought and nowhere closer to having something I changed my thoughts to food instead and started calling pizza places to get estimates and see what they offered.

  Ethan showed up in the afternoon to my surprise. He made the kids lunch for me and took them to the studio to practice. I loved seeing his face light up when they played. After another hour of searching the phone book for children’s entertainment I gave up and went to join them. It was still three weeks away. I had time.

  They all looked like they were having so much fun. Jimmy looked so happy, while Dallas was jamming hard on his guitar. Ethan was just following their lead as they played together. This was how things were meant to be, I thought.

  Later in the afternoon I called Adrian to ask if him and the guys wanted to come for dinner. Derek yelled into the phone.

  “Cleo can I come live with you? I can’t get any sleep here,” he complained. I heard Adrians deep sigh.

  “Why not?” I asked and I could hear Derek imitating the sound of bed springs squeaking in the background.

  “Adrian James. What are you hiding?” I teased. He chuckled.

  “I’ve been seeing someone. It’s nothing serious… yet.” This was odd of Adrian. He was never shy with talking about his love life, especially with me.

  “Oh, okay. Well, I can’t wait to meet them,” I said lamely.

  “Yeah, maybe soon. She’s shy,” he explained.

  After dinner we got the kids around for bed. When they finally grew quiet I turned to Ethan who was sitting uneasily in my armchair.

  “Hey are you okay?”

  “I just hate that I missed so much already. I come here and see family pictures of you, Chris and the twins.” He turned back to me. His fists were clenched like his jaw. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. The guilt was too much.

  “I should be the one in those pictures, Cleo!” He said in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake the twins. Standing, he moved towards the front door. Pulling a cigarette out of the case in his pocket he glared at me as he went outside. I followed him out. Ethan was inhaling his cigarette deeply, then glanced at me, fury in his eyes.

  “Those are my kids Cleo! Mine! And you were never going to tell me. You never even told the man raising them, for that matter. He thinks that those two perfect little people in there are his. How is this supposed to work? I can’t just know that I’m their dad and never tell them. I kept you a secret from everyone forever, but I can’t. Cleo, I can’t deny those two,” he choked, his voice cracking. He was right. All of this wasn’t fair. He dropped his cigarette, crushing it with his foot. He rushed over to me and took my hands. I looked up into his pleading eyes, those gorgeous baby blues that made my heart speed up every time they looked at me.

  “Cleo, I want you. I want the twins. We should be a family. Leave. Please. We can start a new life out in Cali. This isn’t right. Chris doesn’t deserve you and the kids. I can make you happy,” he pleaded. I didn’t say anything back. I wanted that more than anything, but I needed to know that whatever I did, my children would be taken care of. It wasn’t as easy as just leaving. I was married. I needed to get divorced. I would have to fight over everything. Chris was going to make my life hell.

  “This is so unfair. I’m sitting here with you, planning a birthday party for our kids. Hanging around, playing with them, helping you with them. I make breakfast, drive them to school, help them get to bed every night, and I get to be called Uncle Ethan, while he gets to be dad. Chris gets to claim them in public, to show them off. He is the one who has it all, but doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t deserve it!” He yelled. I opened my mouth and closed it quickly. What was I supposed to say?

  “Ethan this is too much. It’s too fast.”

  “Why? Am I getting too ahead of myself? It’s not like we are going to run off together and have kids and all that. Oh, wait,” he said sarcastically. He began pacing around the porch.

  I was so sick of him always making snide remarks about me keeping them a secret. I knew I screwed up. I knew this, so he didn’t have to keep bringing it up every chance he got. Something in me snapped. I couldn’t have him constantly throwing it in my face.

  “Ethan, you are thinking too much into this! You’re living in this dream world where there’s no issues and everything is so easy but it’s not! Please just stop. The kids still don’t even know anything. I’m not ready for all this!” I cried.

  He stopped pacing and faced me again. His eyes were wild with incredulity. “Yes. We don’t want the kids to know the truth, ever. God forbid they find out that their constantly MIA daddy isn’t actually their father, but the guy who is actually trying his hardest to make up for the five years he’s missed. The one who is here more than he is, no he isn’t allowed to reveal himself.” I stopped moving, my tears betraying me.

  “Cleo, I bet you I love those kids more in the one month that I’ve known of their existence than Chris has their whole lives. They deserve to know the truth,” he said.

  “You aren’t the only one suffering Ethan. How do you think I felt getting to see them every day, knowing the truth? I couldn’t say anything in fear. Yes, I will tell them. But for now, please just let me breathe.”

  “Fine. You got it.” He stormed off the porch. Climbing into his car he slammed the door, quickly driving off. I didn’t run after him like I should have. I let him go. There was nothing more to be said that hadn’t already been said. I let the tears slip down my face freely. No one would see them anyways. In the end, I was always left alone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Surrender

  Ethan stayed away the next few days. I knew he needed to cool off. I managed to get the kids to school with little issues. Although, I realized it was much harder doing it alone again. Chris still wasn’t home, which was such a relief. I didn’t need him here on top of everything. One evening after the kids were asleep, I got a call from Eric.

  “Hello?” I answered, hesitantly.

  “Hey Cleo, how are you?” He replied brightly.

  “I’m okay. You?” I asked.

  “Great! I have a surprise for their birthday. I have the entertainment covered.”

  “Oh. Okay, what is it?”

  “I’d like to keep it a surprise,” he said.

  “Alright, well thanks. I appreciate it.”

  “It’s my pleasure. I love those little guys,” he said. I thanked him again and hung up.

  A few days turned into a week, and a week turned into two, with no sign of Ethan. The twins party was now only a week away. I had invited all of my siblings and their families. My parents sent their love but wouldn’t be attending. They were well into their seventies now. They were about two hours away and didn’t like the drive. My siblings also made excuses as to why they couldn’t come. I wasn’t too upset. I kind of expected that. It only mattered that my true family came. The guys and their new significant others. Renee of course would be there and I think Adrian was going to let us meet his new girlfriend, but he made no promises. I couldn’t get much out of him, but he did mention her name was Dita. I told him I couldn’t wait to meet her.

  The night before the party I had Adrian watch the twins while I went to the hall to decorate. No sooner had I parked my car did I see a familiar figure waiting next to a black Cadillac. I recognized both
immediately. My heart thumped hard inside my chest.

  Ethan stepped away from his car and came to open my door. I climbed out and met his gaze. He didn’t say anything. Silently, he helped me get the boxes from the car into the building.

  We went to work hanging balloons and streamers. Still we hadn’t said much of anything to each other. When we were finally done with everything, I turned to him. He looked away, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I should probably get going. I’ll come around in a few days to give them their presents.”

  “Come to the party,” I blurted. He blinked a few times, surprised.

  “What?”

  “Come to the party. I don’t care anymore. You should be there. If he finds out, oh well.” He came towards me and our mouths met quickly. I don’t know what was coming over me but I was sick of hiding. I had been keeping secrets from everyone for so long I had gotten used to it, but I didn’t want to anymore.

  “Okay. I will,” he promised.

  * * *

  Eric showed up before everyone else to greet the entertainment with me. We stood outside, enjoying the fresh air while we waited. “You are going to love me,” he said, beaming.

  “Are you going to tell me yet?” And before he could answer I saw the bus and I screamed. I literally screamed like a little girl. Well, like I imagined the twins would be screaming when they saw it. He started laughing.

  “You got Murphy? Is this for real?” I gasped as the bus pulled up in front of us and the door opened. Eric moved forward and directed the driver to the back.

  “You love me yet?” He asked me. I threw my arms around him.

  “How did you manage this?” I said after I pulled away.

  “Money talks,” he said simply. I smiled and we went inside to greet Murphy and his friends.

  Murphy was actually named Paul and he was really chill. It was weird seeing him in his Murphy clothes but talking in his normal, adult voice. He recognized me and we traded autographs.

  “Man, can I get a picture? I had no idea you had kids, this is awesome!” He exclaimed. I laughed and he ripped off his sweater to reveal a black band shirt and tattoos covering his arms.

  “I don’t want a picture with my Murphy crap on,” he laughed.

  “Just wait. The rest of the guys will be here soon,” I told him. He put his sweater back on, and with reluctance started to get ready for the party.

  I tried to hide my anxiety when everyone began to show up and Ethan was nowhere to be found. I kept calling but it just rang and rang. My mood plummeted even more when Chris showed up. Seeing him made my stomach lurch. Just seeing him brought a shiver of fear through my body. But then he walked around the car to the passengers side, and opened the door, letting Holly out. I almost choked. He brought her? I couldn’t believe it.

  They walked in separately. I glared at him when he came over to me. He held up his hands to explain.

  “Maribel, she’s working at the firm and had some time off. I was leaving work to come and she didn’t have anything left to do. Don’t make this into something it’s not. Not today. No drama,” he said and hurried over to talk to Robert and Charlotte, who had just arrived as well.

  I checked my phone one more time for Ethan before the twins arrived. Adrian pulled up with the twins and I hurried out to see them.

  Dallas had gotten a haircut. It was similar to Ethan’s hair a few years back; short on the side and long in the middle that flopped over. He looked so handsome. I told him so and he blushed and thanked me softly.

  Adrian set Jimmy down next to her brother and I snatched her up in a hug. Her hair had been put in a bright red bow and she had been dressed in a big poofy black dress with a red ribbon around the waist. They looked adorable.

  Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a woman next to Adrian. I stood up and smiled politely. She did the same and waved fast. She looked nervous.

  Adrian took Jimmy’s hand and I took Dallas’. We entered the building and everyone cheered and yelled “Happy Birthday!” Dallas almost started to cry but Jimmy got so excited seeing all the balloons and her friends from school. She took her brothers hand and pulled him over to the other kids.

  After about thirty minutes of attempting games with them, Murphy’s theme song started playing through the speakers. All the kids stopped playing and began looking around, I couldn’t contain my excitement. Adrian came over and whispered in my ear.

  “Is that who I think it is?” He asked. I nodded excitedly as he laughed and rolled his eyes.

  A moment later Murphy came out through the back door followed by all his friends in full costume. Every kid in the room started screaming. He quickly launched into his show, which gave me time to socialize.

  I talked with the parents and chatted with Robert and Charlotte. She was smiling wide the entire time. Robert looked happy too, but I had a feeling he had no idea why his wife was so happy. I did talk to Chris a bit; but stayed clear of Holly. It was bad enough he brought her. I refused to be cordial and act like I had no idea what she was doing with my husband.

  I glanced at my phone again but there was nothing to see. I didn’t want to show how upset I was so I went over to where my bandmates and their ladies sat watching the show.

  I sat down next to Adrian’s friend Dita and offered my hand to shake. She smiled and took it. Now that I had some time I took a good look at her. Dita was strikingly pretty. Her dirty blond hair hung all the way down her back. She had bright, hazel eyes and a kind smile. Her nose and septum were pierced. She was dressed in a cute jersey and designer jeans. When I looked at Adrian he was looking at her, beaming. That alone made me so happy.

  We chatted for a while. I noticed that everyone refrained from asking about where Ethan was. But I knew they all noticed. After Murphy’s performance, we had cake. Murphy approached the bands table and they offered him a seat. I laughed at how excited he was. It was nice to know we still had fans.

  Right before the cake I saw someone come through the front door out of the corner of my eye. Flipping my head around my heart sped up. He showed. He was late, but he showed.

  Ethan looked around and when he saw me, brightened and came over to me. I stood up straight and before I could say hello he pulled me into him and kissed me straight on the lips. My eyes flew open in shock, horror, and at the same time excitement. I pulled away and scanned the room. All adult eyes were on us.

  Adrian, Mark and Derek were smiling. Charlotte and Robert looked uncomfortable. Parents looked confused. Eric was laughing. When my eyes finally found Chris and Holly I was prepared to run for my life. Holly had a smug look on her face. Her arms were crossed and her lips pursed. Chris on the other hand was furious. His fists were tight, his jaw clenched. I could see the muscles in his neck bulging. I gulped and looked away quickly. Suddenly Renee appeared by my side to help me with the cake and ice cream.

  After cake came presents. Then finally time to clean up. Everyone said their goodbyes and love you’s and soon there were only a few of us left. I was purposely avoiding being near Ethan or Christopher. I didn’t want to anger Chris more. I was regretting telling Ethan to come. If looks could kill, I’d have been brutally murdered a while ago. I had never seen Chris so silently furious.

  Mark and Renee came over and offered to take the twins back to Adrian’s. They knew that I would have to face Chris eventually, and the twins shouldn’t be around for it. I thanked them and reassured the rest of the band I’d be okay. Soon it was only the four of us. Ethan, Chris, Holly and I.

  I tried busying myself with cleaning up tables, but when Ethan came to help me Chris erupted. “Who the hell do you think you are?” Chris demanded, storming towards us. Ethan backed up, with his hands in the air.

  “Whoa man, look…” Ethan started but Chris was past angry. He ignored him and came straight towards me. Chris picked me up by my shirt and lifted me off the ground, then slammed me into the wall. My body collided with it with a thud, knocking the wind out of me. I couldn’t breathe. I could barel
y move.

  “Don’t touch her!” I heard Ethan shout, but I wasn’t seeing well. Chris took his other hand and grabbed my face, forcing me to look at him.

  “After working like a dog for you, giving you everything, I find out you’re cheating on me with some whiny musician,” he snarled. I tried to focus on him but was having trouble. His hand slipped down to hold onto my neck tightly. He began to squeeze. My eyes rolled into the back of my head. Suddenly Chris was ripped away from me.

  Falling to the floor in a heap I tried to sit up. I struggled to breathe as I watched Ethan punch Chris square in the jaw. Chris stumbled and fell into a table, but he caught himself with his arms behind his back. I was frozen in shock and fear. I had seen firsthand what Chris could do. This was going to end badly. We heard a scream and turned towards the other side of the room, where Holly was running towards us.

  “Stop you monster!” She cried out. No one spoke. It worked. Both men stopped fighting to look at her. Chris stood up and looked up at me embarrassed.

  “Honey, you should go to the car like we talked about,” he murmured to her. I could hear him clearly. Holly crossed her arms across her ample chest and glared at me. She was dressed up, in a cheetah print, tight dress and six-inch heels. With her hair and makeup, she really was gorgeous. Especially when compared to me, dressed in a t-shirt and ripped jeans. My face bare and bruised with my rat’s nest of hair flying everywhere. No wonder he never loved me. She should be on the cover of a fashion magazine, while all I ever could manage was being one of the boys.

  “No. I’m not doing this anymore.” She turned to look at me. “He’s leaving you. He loves me. Always has. I’m pregnant. He doesn’t need you anymore,” she taunted, her face scrunched up in triumph.

  I really didn’t know what to say. But for some reason this is what broke me. Finally shattered the illusion I had been under. It was over. She was pregnant. He could never give me a single gentle touch, but he got her pregnant. I started to cry. Ethan didn’t move forward. He was confused about what was going on. Chris turned back to me and started stumbling over his words.