Who Moved My Blackberry?
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I am asking you to be like the stonemasons. If you have faith in our great company, if you buy into the idea of PPP, we can build our cathedral together.
Have a joyful new year. One of the things that makes me proudest about this company is you all. This company would not exist without the passion and the sweat of every one of you. So if any of you have any ideas, or feelings you would like to share, please e-mail. Or just e-mail to say Hi! That sustains me.
I love you all
Barry
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham—how goes it? Our Christmas was a classic of peace and harmony. Jake got pissed on Christmas day and threw up on the in-law’s new Axminster carpet. Btw, can’t remember if I mentioned to you that I’ve signed up with a top life coach? I’ve got Pandora Barry—she was trained up by the guy who did Chelsea Clinton, Nelson Mandela and Bill Gates. First session this pm—watch this space!!
Have you read BM’s seasonal twaddle? A classic of its kind.
Mart
PS Fancy a drink later?
JANUARY 5
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Sylvia—what the hell is this budget meeting in my diary for 3pm? I’ve blocked out that hour to talk to my coach on the phone. E-mail Roger I can’t come.
Can you get me two liters of mineral water and a latte?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora!
Great to talk to you just now. I was impressed at how quickly you got my number—I can actually be quite awkward at times—but when I click with someone then the sky’s the limit!
As we discussed, the top-of-the-range Coachworx! Platinum Service would be most appropriate. As I understand it, you would be available on a 24/7 basis on the telephone and by e-mail and face 2 face to coach me through ongoing issues as they surface, and would bill A&B @ £300 per hour.
I need to get our finance director Roger Wright to greenlight the expenditure, but I anticipate that as a formality.
All my very bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: JennyLukes@PRPalace
Darling—First coaching session was SENSATIONAL! Pandora clearly thinks I’m destined for the very top.
She’s a fascinating woman—used to be a ballet dancer but then had a breakdown and got cancer—was given six months to live, but basically coached herself into remission.
She says I have this amazing power inside myself. I just have to learn how to unlock it!
Only issue was that I ate four bourbon biscuits while talking to her—which was very bad news with the Atkins. Will tell all tonight.
Love you, M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Actually, darling, I think you’ve got it arse around tit. Coaches aren’t “untrained shrinks”—they’re experts in lifting performance. Pandora says lots of the people she’s coached have increased their income ten times as a result of the program!!! Do you have any IDEA what that would mean for you? You could chuck in your job and become a Lady Who Lunches! And we could have our garden relandscaped with the Chatsworth style water feature that you admired at Chelsea last year—only ours could be bigger.
See you 9 ish—
Love M
PS Big juicy steak would be nice … quite fancy a slab of dolcelatte for afters and that lovely chocolate cake of Nigella’s that doesn’t have any flour in it …
JANUARY 6
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger
Yesterday I had the first complimentary coaching session with Pandora Barry of CoachworX!, and would like to proceed with the Executive Platinum Coaching Program. I am attaching the fee schedule.
Bestest, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger
You ask: why do I need a coach? You’re probably thinking that as I’m highly successful already, I don’t need one. But look at it this way—Tiger Woods has a coach. Wayne Rooney has a coach. They don’t need one, but they have one because they feel more comfortable with the career success that a coach can provide. Even Pandora herself has a coach because she is committed to consistently beating her best.
I realize she charges a premium price, but in this business if you pay monkeys you get peanuts.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Some bad news, I’m afraid. I have been informed by Roger Wright, our autistic finance director, that due to ongoing restrictions to our operating budget, he’s only prepared to greenlight the Bronze Program, which I understand is coaching by four monthly e-mails.
This is obviously a blow. And it’s bloody typical of this place, if you’ll excuse my French. Spends a fortune on moronic diversity training programs, and then as soon as you suggest something good, there’s no money. Also typical of Roger—who thinks blue sky is what you can see on a sunny say.
Bestest, Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
One of the things I will teach you on this journey is that everything is possible. I’m going to teach you to say goodbye to negative feelings and get back to your childlike optimism. The Executive Bronze Life Coaching Program is going to help you get there!
Now a lesson for you. Where we at CoachworX! differ from other coaches is that they teach you to be the very best you can be. We think you can go further. This program is about being better than your very best. I’d like you to meditate on that, and think of a quantifiable target that you think is achievable. We will then assess your progress against this target every month. I think it is fair to say that I have never had a coachee that did not finish the year ahead of their targets!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@Coachworx!
Hi Pandora
What you say makes a lot of sense to me—in the kind of hypercompetitive field I operate in, the best is an entry ticket, if you like. I’ve always said to the people who have worked under me: keep pushing the envelope until it falls off the table!
So, this is the goal I am signing up to.
By year end I will achieve performance levels that are 5 percent better than the very best I can be.
Certainly this journey will take me way outside my comfort zone, but I’m ready for that.
Bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
You are starting to think big—but not BIG enough! I am going to help you make a quantum leap in your self belief. I, your greatest fan, sincerely believe you can beat your best by 50 percent by year end. What is stopping you?
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
It’s energizing to realize how much you believe in me, but I wonder if your metrics are a bit high. Can we compromise and say that I’m going to aim to be 22.5 percent better than the very best I can be? I think that’s probably scalable!
22.5 percent better than my bestest!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
I have just visited the staff canteen and found that there was not a single menu choice consistent with the Atkins diet.
Today there was pigs in a blanket, or mushroom risotto, or chicken pie. All of the above combine carbohydrates and protein.
Many of the more senior members of the staff follow Atkins and we should be encouraging them to use the canteen. It is only by the mingling of staff that knowledge is shared.
All my very bestest
Martin
JANUARY 7
From: Keith B
uxton
To: All Staff
Dear all—I am delighted to inform you that Cindy Czarnikow, Global Head of Strategic Marketing, is to join us in London on a two-month assignment. Cindy will be spearheading Project Rebrand, a global drive to reinvigorate the A&B corporate personality. She will be working closely with Barry Malone and the top team in Atlanta, who have been working on plans to rebrand the company for six months. I know you’ll give her every support in this exciting initiative.
Additionally, Martin Lukes has been tasked with leading a brainstorming group on how to improve the staff canteen. Any thoughts about delivering uplift to the current service should be addressed to him.
Keith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Fucketyfuckingfuck. I didn’t opt for a high flying career in order to discuss pigs in a sodding blanket.
What do you know about Cindy Czarnikow?? My sources in Atlanta say she’s shagged her way to the top—possibly having a scene with Barry Malone …
Drink later?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—fraid I won’t be back in time to talk to Jake about his behavior tonight. Will send him a motivational e-mail when I get a window.
Love you, M
JANUARY 8
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Jake, old man. Sorry I didn’t touch base with you yesterday. I just wanted to reinforce the ground rules we agreed before Christmas. This term is make or break for you academically but also for your future, and I’d like to share some advice with you. In this life, you get out what you put in—and you are not putting enough in.
Set yourself a stretch goal and then stick to it. I’m not asking you to be your best—think BIG Jake! Push the envelope! Be BETTER than your best! Agreed?
C u later!
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
J—No I haven’t lost the plot, as you so charmingly put it. I was merely passing on to you some advice my coach has given me. I suppose it was asking too much to expect you to buy into the philosophy behind it.
Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Hi Sylvia—when you’ve got a window can you make me a big laminated sign for my wall that says:
BY YEAR END I WILL ACHIEVE PERFORMANCE LEVELS THAT ARE 22.5 PERCENT BETTER THAN THE VERY BEST I CAN BE.
Also plse cancel Christo—I was meant to be having my first session mentoring him, but I’m too busy. See if you can schedule something for next week or the week after.
Ta muchly
Martin
PS I’ve got about 400 e-mails complaining about the canteen food. Can you reply to all, saying thanks for feedback, I’m looking into it.
JANUARY 12
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
WHAT’S ALL THAT BANGING?? I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK. PLEASE CALL BUILDING ServiceS AND TELL THEM TO STOP IT.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham—Cindy’s taken the partition walls down and has commandeered twice as much space as my office. I’ve just sent Sylvia out to count the ceiling tiles. I’ve got 49 and she’s got 63!! She’s got no desk, just squashy sofas—perfect for her favorite pastime. Though, without walls she’s not going to be able to get up to much!
Have you clapped eyes on her yet? Check out the teeth and smile—she’s got the classic American look—a ton of makeup, perfect grooming, really skinny with a massive arse. Not my scene at all.
Cheers, Mart
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi everyone!
It’s phenomenally exciting to be with you here in London town! I am humbled to be heading up such an exciting project as Project Rebrand. We have many image consultants working on this project in Atlanta, but we also want to tap into our own creative genius globally!
We are taking the A&B footprint and we are going to re dream it! Task One is to draw a road map. This is going to be an inclusive bottom-up rebrand, and I want to hear from you! I want each of you to come up with five unbeatable words that you think describe the A&B corporate DNA going forward! These will form the building blocks for the new identity.
Please e-mail me, or come see me! I’m right by Martin Lukes’ office on the fifth floor. You’ll find it looks a bit different up here. I’ve taken down the walls, chucked out the desk, and put in two white leather couches! This is going to be a space where we can hit ideas around and make it happen!
I’m smiling at you
Cindy
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy
Welcome to London Town! I’m sure we are going to enjoy working together. A word of advice, if I might make so bold. While I, more than anyone, believe in open lines of communication, I find that at the end of the day one does need to get some work done. And for that I find that a door which closes and a desk have their uses!
As I’m sure you appreciate, I am presently snowed under with work. However, I will do some blue sky thinking on the five traits as soon as I’ve got a window.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Graham—Five traits of a certain person: Dumb. Big bum. Phony. Devious. Dangerous.
I’m leering at you!
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy—I think I may have sent you something in error. It was meant for Graham … Plse ignore. Martin.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Fucketyfucketyfucketyfuckingfuck. Just done something that would be funny if it weren’t so awful. Will fill you in over a large one … M
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
I just wanted to check that you are doing what we agreed. Keeping it professional. Staying proactive. Thinking positive.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Just seen your message. Yes, I was doing really well until this morning. Unfortunately I now seem to have got into a spot of hot water due to a technical problem. I sent a message to Graham Wallace, who’s my opposite number in sales. I can have a good laugh with him—he’s no rocket scientist but after a jar or two he’s a lot of fun. Basically, I sent him an e-mail which I believe may have been read and misinterpreted by Cindy Czarnikow, a seriously humorless colleague from the US of A.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Can you check and see if Cindy’s on her sofa—I need to pop out for a second, and would rather not bump into her just now.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Hi Jens—Just seen your message re Jake’s phone bill. How the bloody hell did the little bugger manage to run up £495 in three months????
M
JANUARY 13
From: Martin Lukes
To: Sylvia Woods
Morning Sylvia! Why does Keith want to see me urgently? Any idea what it’s about? Large latte would be nice. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham
Just had the biggest bollocking of my life from Keith. Now I’ve got to grovel to Cindy, and I’m being threatened with a gender awareness course called Sex@Work which sounds rather fun, though have a very nasty feeling it’s going to be anything but.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy—
First let me apologize for any embarrassment I might have caused you by my misdirected e-mail, which was far more innocent than it may have seemed!
I realize there are large cul
tural differences between us people on either side of the pond, and we all need to be cognizent of these 24/7!!
I also wanted to point out that you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick re myself having issues around women. In fact I’m one of their keenest champions, as any of the girls here will tell you. Far from trying to undermine you, I have actively supported your Rebrand work, and it goes without saying, I think you’re doing a terrific job.
Would be delighted to give you any advice going forward, on matters marketing or otherwise.
You suggest a breakfast—I can do next Tuesday, though could we make it 8am rather than 6:30?
All my bestest, Martin
JANUARY 16
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi everyone!
Project Rebrand is a total blast! First up, the personality trait that most of you mentioned as being associated with the new brand was joy! Our new corporate personality is going to be like a joyful smile! The smile is the strongest form of human communication we have, and we are going to harness its power!
I am also phenomenally excited to say that we have hired Beyond the Box presently which has a team of 12 rebranding consultants dedicated to our assignment, and have come up with in excess of 1,000 corporate names. They are assisting our search to find a new name that will create brand empathy and position us as a company that Peak Performs—Permanently!