5d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Cooper, his ass having released and having been released, collapsed forward to lie flat on the ground. “What just happened?”

  “Potato's hour was up,” said Tim. “How's your ass?”

  “Kinda stings.” Cooper flexed his cheeks a few times, then looked up at Tim. “But the itch is gone! I think it worked!”

  Julian walked past Cooper and looked down over the edge. “There is a ledge! Egg landed on it again. I think he's still alive.”

  “Who the fuck is Egg?” asked Tim.

  “Egg Salad. The baby. I thought it a fitting name, since he just hatched... in a manner of speaking.”

  Dave frowned. “He's a tough little bastard. Should we drop some rocks down on him and finish him off?”

  Julian's jaw dropped. “How can your soul be that empty?”

  “What? I was trying to be humane!”

  “You're a goddamn cleric! You have magical healing powers, yet you think the most humane thing to do is drop rocks on an injured baby?”

  “And what if I healed it?” asked Dave. “What then? Are we going to leave it here to starve to death? Or raise it as one of our own, so it can grow up and finger-fuck some poor unsuspecting asshole, impregnating him with its own chest-exploding offspring?”

  “I don't know. But Egg's an innocent creature right now. He's never hurt anyone.”

  “It's part of his nature. That's how those things reproduce. Maybe it's not inherently evil, but taking it back to town is dangerous and irresponsible.”

  Julian folded his arms. “I didn't say we definitely should take it back to town. I just think we might spare a moment or two to think about other options before we rush straight to crushing it with rocks.”

  Tim saw something in the corner of his eye that startled him. Fearing another salad monster attack, he raised his crossbow, but stopped just short of pulling the trigger and shooting Ravenus.

  “There you are, sir,” said Ravenus, landing next to Koestner's exploded corpse. He plucked out an eyeball and gulped it down. “What did I miss?”

  Julian turned away. “We got a little sidetracked. How'd it go with the eagles?”

  “Not so well. Did you know they mate for life?”

  “I did not.”

  “That's no way to get the most of out of life if you ask me. I tried to talk some sense into them, but they just weren't having it.”

  Tim admired Ravenus's moxy, trying to talk a guy he just met into letting him have a quickie with his wife.

  Ravenus gobbled up Koestner's other eye. “That feels so much better. There was some dying creature on a ledge just below here, but its eyes were so small, they only made me hungrier.”

  “What?” Julian dropped to his knees and looked over the edge. “Egg!”

  “Uh-oh,” said Dave. “Looks like Ravenus is a baby killer. Are you going to turn him in, Julian?”

  “It wasn't... He couldn't...” Julian stammered. “He didn't mean to. He's a bird. It's part of his n–” He stopped himself mid-syllable.

  “Part of his what?” Dave poked a finger in his ear, pretending to clean it. “I didn't quite catch that.”

  “Fuck you, Dave.”

  Cooper laughed. “Well said.”

  “Cheer up,” said Tim. “Cycle of life and all that. If it makes you feel any better, I suspect that, wherever Potato is now, he's probably got a bun in the oven.”

  The End.

  The Fuccubus

  (Original Publication Date: August 10, 2017)

  For Edwin Payne.

  Thank you for your amazing generosity.

  Cooper put three empty mugs and a silver coin down on the bar. “I need three more scoops from the barrel, and another bottle of your cheapest stonepiss.”

  The full-orc bartender nodded, slipped the coin into the front pocket of his brown-stained apron, and dunked all three unwashed mugs deep into the large wooden barrel behind the bar. When he set them back down on the bar, filled with the brown concoction of booze unfit for clientele with a bit more money to spend, Cooper noticed that his right hand, which he scooped with, was considerably darker brown than his left. This wasn't the type of tavern one drank at for its high standards of sanitation.

  “You sound like a man who's fallen under... hard times,” said a half-elven woman standing at the bar next to him. She'd been facing the other way when Cooper had approached the bar. Wearing a black leather cape and a wide-brimmed hat, she hadn’t looked like much from behind. But now that she was facing him, Cooper was stunned by her striking red eyes and long green hair that fell past her shoulders to frame her perfectly sculpted bosom. Her cape was actually more of a jacket, with one side wrapped over the other, barely containing a nice V of cleavage. She made him think of the beauty and danger of a forest fire, or a field full of poppies, or a Christmas tree with tits.

  In a raging storm of thoughts, “... hard...” was all Cooper managed to articulate.

  She offered a lambskin-gloved hand and smiled. Her lips looked like they were painted with blood that never dried. “My name is Kristanya.”

  Even back in the real world, before he became a half-orc with a Charisma score of 4, Cooper wasn't generally someone women went out of their way to talk to at bars. It was generally him who had to initiate contact. Everything about this situation screamed, “Hooker that I can't afford”, which seemed odd considering that her opening line, innuendo or not, indicated her awareness that he was broke.

  Forcing himself to focus, he accepted her handshake. “I'm...” Fuck! What is it? Come on, come on... Oh yeah. “Cooper.” Her grip was surprisingly firm and powerful. His spank bank was filled for a month.

  “Unhand her at once, you disgusting abomination!” A shirtless man with sandy blond hair and red leather pants wedged his way between Cooper and Kristanya. The only attempt he'd made to cover his chest was a strap running diagonally across it for the greatsword he wore on his back. He looked like a barbarian who had put more points into Charisma than he'd put into Strength. Cooper felt Kristanya's fingers slide apart from his as she took a step back.

  “Who the fuck are you?” asked Cooper, suddenly less tongue-tied.

  “I am Payne!” It sounded like an over-rehearsed introduction that he didn't get an opportunity to use as often as he'd like.

  “As in, a pain in my ass?”

  “As in, Edwin Payne, mercenary for hire.”

  Cooper half expected him to pull out a business card, but Edwin Payne merely stood his ground, staring into Cooper's eyes, daring him to make the first move.

  “I'll let you know if I ever need some mercenarying done.”

  “Stupid creature. Do you even know what that means? Do you understand what I do for a living?”

  “You blow dudes for money?”

  “I kill men for money.”

  “That probably means you're using your teeth too much, or you have a severe case of...” Cooper released a large belch which had just bubbled up from his stomach. “...oral herpes.”

  Payne's nose scrunched up and his eyes began to water but, to his credit, he neither stepped back nor turned his head.

  “Is your tongue your only weapon, or would you care to cross swords?”

  Cooper scratched his armpit. “Does that cost extra, or is that just, like, foreplay before you start sucking?”

  “Your thoughts are as filthy as your breath, mongrel.”

  Kristanya cleared her throat.

  Payne's face turned pale, and there was sudden panic in his eyes. He turned around. “Forgive me, sweet Kristanya! I meant no offense.”

  Kristanya said nothing. Her glaring red eyes invited further explanation.

  “Your racial impurity is like the irritant which forms a pearl inside an oyster,” said Payne.

  That almost certainly sounded better in his head before he said it aloud.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” asked Tim, accompanied by Julian and Dave. “You took so long we had to give up our goddamn table. How hard is it to order a couple of fu
cking –” His gaze met Kristanya's, and his mouth stopped working. “How... hard...” he repeated, but seemed to have lost his train of thought.

  “What's going on?” asked Julian.

  Cooper grinned. “This guy's trying to pull his foot out of his mouth, but it keeps going in deeper the more he talks. It's glorious.”

  “Going... in... deeper...” mumbled Dave, gawking up at Kristanya.

  Julian slapped Dave on the top of his helmet. “What the hell is wrong with you guys?”

  Kristanya gently shoved Payne to the side as she slipped into Julian's personal space. “What's your name, elf?”

  Jolted by an unexpected surge of jealousy, Cooper grabbed two of the mugs and the bottle of stonepiss from the bar and passed them out, introducing his friends accordingly. “This is Julian, Tim, and Dave. They were just about to go look for another table.”

  Kristanya smiled at Ravenus, who was perched on Julian's shoulder. “And what's your name?” She ran a finger from Ravenus's head down the feathers on his back. Julian tugged at his serape, which had the opposite effect of what Cooper suspected he was going for, which was to not call attention to his junk.

  The bird squawked back a response that Cooper couldn't understand.

  “How can he understand you?” asked Julian. “You didn't speak with a British accent.”

  Kristanya narrowed her eyes with amusement at Julian. “I didn't what?”

  “I meant, he only speaks Elven. He doesn't speak Common.”

  “I speak a language all men understand,” said Kristanya. “I am blessed with the gift of tongues.”

  Cooper, Tim, Dave, and even Edwin Payne made similarly conspicuous efforts to hide their junk.

  “So,” said Cooper, holding his mug in front of his crotch like that was the most natural thing in the world. “Why don't you go find us another table. I'll be right behind you.”

  “Excellent.” Payne unsheathed the broadsword strapped to his back and brought it point down on the floorboards. Cooper assumed he meant to look threatening, but knew that he was just using the hilt to cover his crotch.

  “Why don't we all go back to my room?” suggested Kristanya. “I have a big bed and an even bigger appetite.”

  Awkward glances were shared, which eventually gave way to nods.

  “Or,” said Julian, and octave or so higher than he normally spoke. “We could keep drinking. I'm buying!”

  He had a good point. If Cooper was going to be in a six-way involving five dudes, it wouldn't hurt to have a solid buzz going.

  Cooper raised his mug and caught the bartender's attention. “Three more of these.” He turned around. “Anything for you guys?”

  “The same,” said Payne, his voice quivering.

  “Me too,” said Tim.

  “Another bottle of stonepiss for me,” said Dave.

  “Anything for you?” Cooper asked Kristanya.

  “I'm afraid this tavern doesn't serve what I'm thirsty for.”

  Willing his dick not to get any harder than it already was, Cooper turned to Julian.

  Julian shook his head. “Nothing for me, thanks.”

  Cooper continued to look at Julian.

  “Oh, right.” Julian took a gold coin out of his coin pouch and slapped it down on the bar. “That should cover it.”

  When everyone had their drinks in hand, Cooper turned to Kristanya. “Lead the way.”

  Kristanya walked toward the stairs leading up to the rooms. Payne, Tim, Dave, and Cooper followed like a line of ducklings.

  “Wait,” said Julian, reluctantly trailing behind them. “Where are we going?”

  Cooper didn't stop walking. “Where the fuck do you think? Up to her room.”

  “When I offered to buy everyone drinks, I thought we'd be staying down here.”

  “What? In front of all these people?” Cooper shuddered. “It's going to be weird enough with just you guys.”

  As they ascended the stairs, Julian's voice grew more and more panicky, like he was trying to disarm a bomb.

  “Tim! Dave!” Julian pleaded, trying to keep his voice down. “You guys can't be serious about this.”

  “Just be cool,” Tim reassured him. “We don't have to talk about this later.”

  “You're starting to sound a little homophobic,” said Dave. “Either that or gay.”

  “Can you hear the words coming out of your mouths? Come on, guys. Snap out of it!”

  The procession stopped in front of a door marked with a symbol that Cooper couldn't read. Illiteracy was a Barbarian class trait. Kristanya pulled a dull grey iron key out from inside the palm of her left glove and looked at Julian. Her red eyes glowed faintly.

  “Your name is Julian, is it not?”

  Julian stood straight, like he'd just been singled out by a sadistic drill sergeant. “Yes ma'am!”

  “Is there some kind of problem, Julian?”

  “No ma'am,” Julian answered immediately. “No problem at all. I'm really excited about this.”

  Ravenus started to squawk something, but Julian's hand flew up like a sprung trap and held his beak shut.

  Julian smiled sheepishly. “I'm just a little nervous is all.”

  Kristanya smiled. “I like that.” She inserted the key into the keyhole and opened the door.

  There wasn't a whole lot to the room. No windows. No pictures on the stained walls. Not even a table or chair. It was the sort of place one would rent by the quarter hour for a bit of privacy and the one piece of furniture in it. The bed was big and sturdy-looking enough for a hooker and her John, but perhaps not sturdy enough for a six-person orgy.

  Kristanya didn't even glance toward the bed as she strode across the room to a brown cotton curtain hanging from the doorway to another room. “Close the door.”

  Being the last one in, Julian was closest to the door. He stood there like a deer that didn't understand English.

  Kristanya glared at him with her glowing red eyes.

  “Oh, this door,” said Julian, quickly shutting it.

  Kristanya pulled back the curtain, revealing a black door which didn't match the modest décor of the rest of the room at all. The door's only adornment, where one might expect to see a knocker, stood out for being polished silver against the dull black paint on the door, and for being in the shape of a woman's spread legs. The hoo-ha in the center was an actual hole.

  After sliding the room key back into her left glove, Kristanya produced a shinier silver key from her right glove. It had no teeth or notches. Aside from a ring on the back end, it was perfectly cylindrical with a rounded tip.

  Tim gulped back the contents of one of his mugs and set it on top of a small table. “Subtle.”

  While Cooper concentrated on not jizzing in his loincloth, Kristanya inserted the key. After a couple of loud clicks sounded from the other side of the door, she pushed it open.

  A wave of considerably warmer air flowed out from the doorway. It smelled of ashes and sulfur. Beyond the door was a large rock-walled subterranean chamber which Cooper was fairly certain wasn't part of this tavern.

  Kristanya smiled at Payne. “After you.”

  Payne didn't need to be asked twice. He marched into the cavern like it was an oasis in the desert. Dave and Tim followed eagerly after him. Cooper started to follow, but Julian grabbed his wrist.

  Cooper had no idea that Julian was this timid. “Dude, it's no different than being in a locker room.”

  Julian grimaced. “Actually, it is kinda different.”

  “It seems weird now, but I promise you you're going to thank me for this one day.”

  “Thank you for what?”

  Cooper grabbed Julian's arm and shoved him into the doorway.

  Kristanya was the last to enter. She closed the door behind her, and the click of the locking mechanism echoed all over the chamber.

  Dim light flickered against the red rocky walls from sconces made of skulls, which appeared to vomit stalactites of melted candle wax. At the far end of th
e chamber stood a massive bed, the four corner posts of which looked to be made of the ribs of some colossal beast. Maybe a dragon. Maybe a dire whale. Maybe Dave's mom. Cooper kept that last speculation to himself for now, not wanting to ruin the mood.

  “Very nice place you've got here,” said Julian, eyeing one of the sconces. “Tell me, are these real human skulls?”

  “Some of them,” said Kristanya, walking to a table near the bed made of two minotaur skulls, back to back, and a sheet of black glass resting atop the horns. “Some dwarf, some half-orc.” She turned to him and grinned. “Some elf.”

  Julian looked at a smaller sconce, then glared at Tim. “And some halfling.”

  “Actually, that one's a human child.” Kristanya cracked her knuckles. “Now who would like to go first?”

  The tension in the room vanished as Cooper, Tim, Dave, and Payne let out a collective sigh of relief, then clinked their mugs together.

  “What?” cried Julian.

  Payne smiled at Cooper. “I suppose we won't be crossing swords today after all.” Then he turned to Kristanya. “It seems fitting that the first to make your acquaintance should be the first to... fulfill your desires.”

  No one argued, still relieved that it wasn't going to be a five-dick orgy.

  “Very well.” Kristanya smiled at Payne. “Step forward, Edwin Payne, and reveal yourself to me.”

  Payne removed his sheathe and tossed it aside, then hurriedly kicked off his boots and unlaced his pants. The tight leather had left little to the imagination with regard to his ass. Cooper couldn't see what he was packing up front, but noted that Kristanya's expression didn't change upon laying her eyes on his junk.

  “Would you like me to reveal myself to you?” asked Kristanya.

  “More than anything!” said Payne, perhaps a little too eagerly. Then again, she seemed like a pretty sure thing, so Cooper supposed there wasn't a whole lot of point to playing it cool.

  Though they hadn't been asked, Cooper, Tim, and Dave nodded their agreement. Even Julian stopped bitching for a moment.