I'll Be Here (Matters of the Heart Book 2)

by Yesenia Vargas

  I wonder what that's like. What it must be like to be living on your own, no parents around. That's the plan. I think it’d be so cool to have a dorm or apartment, be completely on my own.

  Either way, I think being in college will be different than being in high school. That’s for sure.

  My mom’s already starting to treat me a little bit differently. I don't think I'll have to ask permission necessarily to do things. Not that I've ever gone out that much or have had to beg to go somewhere in the first place.

  But I think it'll be interesting to just be eighteen and be able to go out with my friends and just tell my mom instead of necessarily having to ask or explain every little thing.

  I hope so anyway. I could be completely wrong. Especially when it comes to my aunt. If I'm still living at home, I'm sure she will still want to know everything that's going on. But I bet it’ll also be nice to have someone to talk to about all of this. Not only is college exciting, it’s also a little scary. Like getting to make your schedule, choosing your classes, and studying for an actual career. Figuring out a career. So many decisions.

  Definitely unlike high school.

  The campus tour lasts a couple of hours as a few students show us the most important parts of the school. We hit the cafeteria, the student center, the library, and the bookstore. None of it is like what I expected, and I can tell my aunt and mom feel the same exact way.

  We’re all surprised at how fancy and big everything is, especially the buildings. Each one has multiple floors, elevators, and huge classrooms with a dozen rows or more of seats directed at a giant-sized projector. Like a mini auditorium.

  The university seems pretty quiet until class change happens, and then the whole campus fills up with people quickly getting to their next class or casually heading home or to grab a bite to eat in groups.

  It seems like fun except I can’t see myself in the middle of a big group of people like that.

  We also notice how a lot of students work on campus in places like the bookstore or the library or the student center. Our student tour guide says it’s convenient and helps pay for tuition. That sounds like a good option for me. I'll have to keep that in mind for next year. If I'm not too busy with all of my classes and the work load.

  That's another thing a lot of the students emphasize when we attend a question-and-answer session. I don’t ask any questions, only listen. One of the questions that somebody else asks stands out, though. Or rather the responses to the question, which is how high school classes are different than college ones.

  And all of the students on the student panel agree that it’s a lot more work.

  “In high school, you can just show up and pretty much end up with an A or a B, even you didn’t really study,” this guy on the student panel says.

  My stomach gives a pang when I realize that he looks a lot like Brian. The same caramel skin and jet black hair. But mostly it’s his hands that remind me of him.

  And for a few seconds, I wonder what it would be like for us to go to college together, as boyfriend and girlfriend.

  I shake my head a bit to focus on what the girl next to this Brian look-alike is saying.

  “You really have to work hard to get a B, much less an A. It’s not just about showing up for class, half listening, and getting an easy multiple-choice test. You really have to take notes and pay attention and ask questions. And then go home and study for an hour or two. For each class. And participate in a study group because sometimes studying on your own just isn't enough. A lot of times the professors talk too fast, don’t give you notes, and then you didn't take notes on the right things. And the tests are really, really hard. And sometimes they’re just essay tests and even the multiple-choice tests are hard.”

  Another student, a girl, had says that college had been a real adjustment for her. “I almost failed a couple of classes my first semester because I thought I didn’t have to show up for class, just read the slides and assignments the professor had posted.”

  A lot of the other students smile and nod. “You cannot skip class, or you could get dropped.”

  There’s a lot of other complicated stuff that they talk about, half of which I don't even understand.

  But I get the message.

  College is going to be hard. A lot harder than high school. And I’m not exactly an A student to begin with. It’s all kind of overwhelming, to be honest. But my aunt and my mom had insisted I would be fine. All the students had been fine, and now this was their new normal.

  This one girl says, “The four years will be over before you know it. It’s a lot of fun, even if it is a lot of work. Like meeting all sorts of new people and doing things I had never done before. And I don't mean just partying and drinking,” she finished with a laugh.

  I think about that. About this new normal. Even if I am living at home next year, college just feels like a completely new life that I'll have. And I wonder if this new life will be compatible with Adam. With Brian.

  ###

  Within the first couple of days, we visit both schools I'm interested in. And to be honest, they both start to blend together.

  The buildings, the students, the costs.

  I think I'm still leaning towards my first choice. Just because it's closer, and I think that's what matters to me right now. Still being close to home. Other than my second choice being a bigger school and farther away, they both seem the same to me. The same classes. The same kind of students buzzing around campus. Of course, the schools look different. But at the end of the day, I just want go with the school that's closer. Especially if I end up living at home.

  By the third or fourth day of our spring break trip, I'm kind of done with all the college stuff. So are my aunt and mom. So we start spending our days sleeping in, hanging out, and going out all the time.

  We spend almost every night doing each other's hair and makeup. Well, actually, they do each other's hair and makeup, and then they do mine. They know I'm no good at that kind of stuff, but at the same time, they love getting to experiment with new looks on me.

  As much as they say they love this look or that on me, I stick to my guns and say no way am I leaving the hotel room like that.

  At home, we don't really eat out. My aunt always cooks or sometimes my mom, but the first thing my aunt says is that she needs a break and wants someone to cook for her. So we go out to dinner every night, sometimes to casual diners or even a fast food place but mostly to fancier places, and I'm amused whenever some guy ends up hitting on my mom or aunt. I can see it's a huge boost to their self-esteem, even if it makes me smile and roll my eyes.

  They point out a couple of cute guys my age, but I'm not interested in making my life even more complicated than it already is.

  "Maybe what you really need," my mom says as we sit down to dinner, “is somebody completely new."

  I think about that. She could be right. Who knows? Maybe the right choice is to make no choice at all.

  To just start over.

  Not just with a new school but with a new person. Maybe with no one at all. For now.

  I was just fine the way I was before Brian came along last year and I started going out with him. He was the first guy I ever really had feelings for. More than just a minor crush, gone in a few days. More than somebody that was cute.

  He quickly became somebody I actually cared about. I found myself becoming someone new around him, somebody I had grown to like. That made me better maybe.

  I wonder what that would be like with someone else. Would it be the same? Would I change in different ways or the same ways?

  My mom must notice me staring off into space because she asks me, "What are you thinking about?" She probably already knows.

  I shrug my shoulders. "Just about everything, I guess."

  "You have a lot going on, that's for sure,” she says in Spanish. "Figuring out how you feel about these boys. I remember when I had my first boyfriend…" And I can tell she wants to go into one of her own
stories, probably about my dad, who we never talk about, but maybe somebody else.

  But then she seems to catch herself, and she looks back at me. “Your first boyfriend is never easy. Your first heartbreak, your first real love. It gets a bit easier after that. You just never forget the first one. Either way, I'm sure you'll do what's right for you.”

  She picks at the appetizer on the table.

  “And you have all of the school stuff going on too," my mom adds. "Which is the most important thing. Don't forget that. I didn't learn that until it was too late for me.”

  "I know," I say.

  Later, we’re back at the hotel again. We’re sitting on the two beds, watching mindless TV, one of those home renovation shows my aunt likes to watch. My mom has her hair up in a towel, still wet from her shower. And I'm about to go get in the shower myself. My mom is laying down next to me. I'm about to ask if she used up all the hot water.

  “What do you want, Katia?” she says all of a sudden, and my aunt stops watching her show to join the conversation. "You gotta want something. Is your heart telling you what you really want?"

  "If I knew I wouldn't be having this problem," I say, half laughing half trying not to give into the frustration of everything that's been going on. "I don't know… I thought coming on this trip would help me clear my head, but it hasn't helped as much as I thought it would. I mean, thinking about school and everything too. I think it just makes me even more confused. Makes me wonder what my life will be like next year, if I’ll even have time for a boyfriend."

  "If you’ll even want a boyfriend. Then or now,” my tía says." You just never know who you might meet next year… Or five years from now."

  "Maybe that's what you really have to understand,” my mom says. “You need to understand that you don't have to make all of these decisions right now. You're young, and you have time. Sometimes rushing these decisions is what gets you in trouble in the first place. Look at me. I rushed into a relationship with your father, and I ended up alone. He wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. And then I made the same mistake again with your brothers."

  Now my aunt speaks up. "I made lots of mistakes too. Luckily, your uncle and I are still together. But it's never been easy. Even now. We still have our issues, and we always have. Our relationship is a lot of work. Part of that is that it started way too early. I got married when I was in school. I hadn’t even graduated, and we were already saying I do. And I was pregnant within just a few months."

  "I remember that," my mom says. "Your mom was going to kill you, right?”

  "Yeah, I'd forgotten about that,” my tía answers.” It was so long ago… It's crazy to think how much your decisions at this age affect you for the rest of your life."

  My mom looks like she wants to say amen. Instead, she says, ”Just whatever you do,” she sits up and looks at me, “just take your time. No matter what. Life is not a race. And you can still change your mind anytime you want. You don't even have to make a choice. You just do what's right for you. I will be here for you either way."

  I smile at her, and she comes in for a hug. We almost never hug, but it’s nice. I get up, grab my things, and head into the shower. I need to think.

  chapter eighteen

  I close my eyes and let the wind hit my face and blow my hair in all directions.

  We’re finally on our way home, and I’m sitting at my usual spot in the back with the window rolled all the way down even though my mom already complained twice that my aunt has the AC on.

  I don’t care. And my aunt doesn’t care. She smiles at me from the rearview mirror.

  This feels too good. We’re not far from the house, anyway.

  I can’t believe spring break passed by that fast.

  I guess it hadn’t been that bad.

  Yeah, it was a lot of girl time, maybe enough for a lifetime, but it was also nice to get away from the house and spend time with my mom and aunt. But mostly my mom because she’s the one I see the least. It had been almost weird not seeing her go to work every day, even if it was kind of tiring going out all the time.

  And talking.

  Lots of talking. About boys and the future and every other possible topic you can think of. From gossip to politics.

  I had mostly listened, though, except when the conversation rolled back to me and Brian and Adam, and then they made me speak up.

  And it had been weird to not message anybody. I had let both Adam and Brian know I would be unavailable, and I was just now unblocking them, even if technically we had another twenty minutes or so before spring break was officially over.

  A few minutes later, I still have my head out the window, and my mom’s yelling at me again to get my head inside the car before some kind of crazy accident happens and my hair gets ripped off or worse.

  I only roll up the window when my phone dings with a text message.

  Hey, you.

  It’s Adam. I text him back.

  What’s up?

  I wait for a reply.

  How was your spring break road trip thing? Any stories I might want to hear about? Did you do anything crazy?

  I smile and shake my head at Adam’s message.

  I’m not done replying when I get another message from him.

  It was lonely out here without you.

  I keep tapping out a reply.

  It was good. And no nothing crazy happened. Nothing I can tell you about anyway ;)

  I keep going.

  I’m sure you had fun. Get to hang out with anyone?

  He texts back a minute later.

  Nah. I ended up spending most of the week at my mom’s. She had a scare the other day, thought someone was breaking into her apartment so I went and stayed with her. Just got back this morning.

  I read that. What? That’s crazy.

  Yep. So you haven’t changed your mind about prom have you? I’d love to take you…as a friend.

  I sigh. I thought we had talked about this.

  You know I can’t. Not without making all of this more complicated. And I already did that once.

  As in kissing Adam and Brian. I don’t need something else exploding in my face. Not that it had been anyone else’s fault but mine.

  But you don’t have anything planned? We don’t have to go to prom…we could just hang out, go to a movie.

  Nice try, I want to say.

  That’s nice of you but no I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to go out at all. Not until…you know.

  My phone dings again.

  Uh any idea when that will be? :)

  I feel sucky replying the way I do, but oh well.

  No. Sorry.

  I send something else.

  Maybe one day you’ll have two hot girls fighting over you lol and you’ll see how hard it is.

  I mean it as a joke and hope he thinks it’s funny.

  I have a feeling that will probably never happen lol and did you just call me hot? ;)

  I smile. I knew he would find it funny.

  Whatever. You’ve had plenty of girls after you just in high school. I don’t know why you never gave any of them a chance.

  I can’t help but feel a pang in my chest when I read his next message.

  I was waiting for someone extra special to give ME a chance…

  Ugh, Adam. Why did he have to go and say something like that?

  I’m serious. There were a few really good, nice girls who would have been great for you. Even now. I don’t see why you’re so stubborn. You don’t know what you’re missing out on.

  He replies a minute later.

  I could say the same thing about you, you know. Why do you have to be so stubborn, huh?

  Maybe the real question is why things have to be so complicated? They were complicated when Brian moved back last year. They were complicated when he left. And Adam left.

  And now they’re both back, and things are more complicated than ever. And I have no idea how to sort all this out. No idea what the heck I’m supposed to do. Who
I'm supposed to choose. If I’m not supposed to choose at all, like my mom said, and just focus on myself.

  And have a fresh start next year.

  But at the same time, how am I supposed to break both Adam and Brian's hearts?

  That's what I hate the most about all of this. Neither of them deserve to have their hearts broken, especially by me.

  ###

  That's what I hate about all of this. That it’s me having to choose. When I never wanted to choose in the first place. I never wanted to make this kind of choice.

  I hate everything about this situation. The fact that both Adam and Brian are waiting on me to make a decision, like one of them is better than the other.

  When they're not.

  They are so not. They're both the best guys in the world. Sweet, funny, and caring. Both of them are perfect.

  So how am I supposed to decide and let one of them down?

  Create so much heartache for one of them? Maybe that's what's making this so hard in the first place.

  The fact that I'm nobody to be making this kind of decision.

  Adam and I keep texting, but we end up just changing the topic.

  It's the end of the night, and school starts again tomorrow. And I know it's just a matter of time before I do have to make a choice. There are only a few weeks left of school. Just a matter of days before I start making final decisions about college and then eventually heading off to college. Adam too. Brian will still be working. Hopefully he will have his GED soon. And maybe he'll get to make some choices himself. Even if it's just a community college class here and there while he's working over time to help out his family.

  Either way I’ve made them wait long enough. Almost the whole school year. And I know I can't keep going on like this. I need closure too.

  That’s the last thing I think about before I finally fall asleep.

  ###

  "No I wasn't planning on going to prom." I say to my aunt. "I mean, why bother? It's just an excuse to get all dressed up and made up and—”

  "Exactly!" She replies. We're at the mall. She had asked me to tag along with her during some shopping. It's like one of her hobbies.