Her Last Breath

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘I think if I hadn’t made such a mess of things back then, maybe we’d still be together. We’d have brought Poppy up together, she’d be safe, we’d be out of this godforsaken town.’

  He frowned, his face pained.

  ‘I feel I need to make up for what a mess I made back then,’ Estelle said.

  His brow puckered. ‘How?’

  ‘By doing what I’ve been trying to do the past few days, I guess. Doing all I can to find my daughter. Our daughter. I need to be more honest with myself. I’ve been pretending I’m something I’m not, I see that now. The healthy eating, even the bloody hair colour,’ she said, flicking a strand of her blonde hair up. ‘I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself for a long time. I’m going to get back to London and I’m going to start being more honest with myself.’

  ‘That’s good, Estelle,’ Aiden said softly. ‘You can’t keep living a lie.’

  ‘Neither of us can,’ she said, looking into his eyes. ‘What is going on with us, Aiden? What happened yesterday, then at your house earlier …’

  He swallowed, eyes travelling all over her face. ‘It’s just always been the way with us, hasn’t it? Right from the first time I saw you …’

  ‘… When you were crying in the cave.’

  His face flinched.

  ‘Why were you crying?’ she asked softly. ‘I never asked.’

  ‘I’d had an argument with my dad,’ he said. ‘He told me I’d amount to nothing. Any time he said anything to me, it’d be a criticism. Looking back, I could see it was his way of pushing me to succeed. But it was difficult hearing that as a kid, especially as I felt so ignored at it was.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘I guess Mum and Dad were so wrapped up in the houses, and having Alice to care for as well, then you coming along, I didn’t get a look-in.’

  ‘Oh Aiden, I’m sorry.’

  He sighed. ‘I shouldn’t moan. If they didn’t do what they did, I wouldn’t have met you and Alice.’ He smiled. ‘I remember that first time I saw you, Stel, marching along the beach all brave and stubborn with that messy brown hair of yours, those crazy tartan trousers. You got me right here,’ he said, punching his stomach. ‘Honestly, you took my breath away. I’d never seen anyone like you, never spoken to anyone like you.’ His face grew serious. ‘There’s been no one like it since. I’ve not admitted that to myself before. But I see that now, as clear as day.’

  Lightness seemed to spread throughout her to hear him say those words. Could he really mean it? Yes, he did, she could see it in his eyes. The happiness she felt at that was off the scale.

  ‘And …?’ she said, daring to hope he might want to kiss her again.

  ‘And this.’ He hesitated a moment, eyes exploring her face. Then he pressed his lips against hers. She wrapped her arms around him, tangling her fingers in his hair, feeling the familiar texture of each strand, breathing in his musky scent. They both stumbled to the bed and fell onto it; Aiden kicking his shoes off and pressing his lips along Estelle’s neck, her collarbone. His face looked distressed, like he was angry at himself. But his hands and lips were telling another story. Estelle understood; she thought she’d left those old feelings behind, dismissed them as childish. But they were so much more than that; she realised that now.

  He ducked his head, nudging the neckline of her top down with his lips. She looked at him, breath coming fast. Was it really Aiden? Or was she dreaming?

  He peered up at her, cheeks red. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, smiling. ‘Very okay.’

  ‘Good,’ he murmured, lips moving against her nipple as she moaned. He gently pulled her skirt up, his eyes on hers as his head dipped down even further, his tongue slipping beneath the lace of her knickers.

  As Estelle lay her head back against the pillow, she felt like a teenager again, all her feelings and emotions buzzing at the surface.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Sunday, 7 May

  Estelle watched Aiden the next morning, her fingers playing with his hair and dancing down his arm. Sunlight streamed through the gaps in the curtains, the rain now gone.

  ‘It’s like we’ve gone back fifteen years,’ Estelle said. She felt happy as she looked at him, more content then she’d been for a while. It was like she’d come home. Not here, to Lillysands. It held too many dark memories. No, Aiden felt like home. Safe, secure, right.

  ‘No,’ Aiden replied, shaking his head. ‘We’re different people now. This is new.’

  ‘New. I like that.’ She explored his face and saw Poppy in his long eyelashes, the curve of his cheeks.

  She sighed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Aiden asked.

  ‘It feels wrong, being here with you while our daughter is out there, somewhere.’

  ‘Maybe she just ran away, Stel. Have you considered that this theory about her being kidnapped may stem from your guilt at giving her up?’

  She moved away from him, looking him in the eye. ‘No, it’s not about that! I know I said I feel some guilt, but those are just fleeting moments. On the whole, I know I did the right thing, I couldn’t have her living the life I lived with my parents.’

  ‘Jesus, Stel!’ Aiden said, raking his fingers through his hair in frustration. ‘We would have been nothing like your parents.’

  ‘Really? My mum was fifteen when she got pregnant with me. She was in care too. Can’t you see the similarities?’

  ‘Yes, but that’s where is stops! You’re nothing like your parents. And you’re nothing like the kid you thought they saw when they looked at you.’

  He went to grasp her hand but she pulled away from him.

  ‘This isn’t about my parents,’ she said, feeling frustrated. After all they’d shared, she’d hoped Aiden would be a hundred per cent on her side now. Why was he still being so stubborn about all this? ‘This isn’t about me. This is about a fifteen-year-old girl who’s scared and alone out there somewhere.’

  Aiden looked up at the ceiling, grimacing in frustration. ‘Nobody has kidnapped Poppy.’

  Estelle swung her legs out from the bed and grabbed her jeans, yanking them on. ‘You’re in denial, Aiden. You want to believe she’s safe so you don’t have to admit to yourself the town you grew up in – the father you grew up with – might have something to do with your daughter’s disappearance. Fine, if you’re not willing to help me find her, I can do it on my own.’

  Aiden got up too and started putting his clothes on. With them both dressed, the magic seemed to have dissipated. She turned her gaze back towards the gloomy old B&B room now, bed sheets dishevelled. She noticed the holes in Aiden’s blue jumper, the circles under his eyes and she caught sight of herself in the mirror, the hair under her arms, too busy and preoccupied the past two days to shave. Her roots were beginning to show too, her skin dehydrated.

  This was the reality of her and Aiden, not the fantasy she’d dreamed up of the past. She’d spent so long running away from her past but now it was here, in this room, the true reality of it, the good and the bad … did she want it?

  Maybe.

  She grabbed some deodorant, sliding it on before pulling her top over her head. Then she checked her face in the mirror, smoothing her hair down and rubbing some moisturiser into her skin.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Aiden asked.

  ‘I’m going to look for Poppy. I’m going to physically walk around and look.’

  Aiden shook his head. ‘Jesus, Stel.’

  She grabbed her phone and purse then went to the door. ‘Come find me if you fancy helping to find your daughter.’

  ‘Wait, let me come,’ Aiden said, fumbling for his jacket.

  They both walked out in silence. They wandered the streets of Lillysands for the next twenty minutes, looking for Poppy in Lillysands’ alleyways and backstreets. Estelle knew Aiden was only doing it to appease her and that annoyed her even more. Part of her knew it was ridiculous. But the other part – her gut – knew Poppy was there somewhere.
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  Soon they gravitated towards what remained of the edge of the cliff where Alice had jumped. They sat down.

  Estelle looked out at the sea. ‘Alice said something once, about how being part of something wasn’t always so great.’

  Aiden examined her face. ‘That was the thing with Alice. She got under the skin of things. She knew this community for what it really was.’

  ‘And what’s that?’

  ‘Rotten.’ There was a hardness to his face when he said it that surprised Estelle.

  Estelle followed his gaze to the drying flowers at the edge of the cliff. She leaned her head against his shoulder. It was a habit, something she would do when they watched the sun set from this very spot, sat on the dusty windowsill of the abandoned cottage. Now, here they were again but several years older and their daughter missing.

  Their daughter …

  If only things had been different.

  ‘One movement and we’d both go over the edge,’ Aiden said.

  She frowned. ‘That’s a scary thought.’

  His face hardened. ‘Imagine how Alice must’ve felt to be forced over the edge.’

  ‘I thought you believed she committed suicide?’ Estelle said.

  ‘Yeah, sure, physically. But who gave the emotional push? Who drove her to it?’

  Estelle looked down into the sea and wondered who would be the one to drive her over the edge.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Four steps and I’ll be right behind you.

  All it would take is one shove and boom! Over the edge you’d go.

  Aiden would be devastated though. He doesn’t see through your charade like I do.

  Like the rest of us do.

  Some caught on sooner than others.

  I admit, it took me a while. I was beguiled by you.

  But not now. Not after I learnt of all the damage you’re trying to wreak.

  I can’t let that happen.

  I must hold onto the life I’ve built up for myself here, the bright future ahead.

  It’s all at stake because of you.

  I need your games to be finished once and for all.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Aiden moved away from Estelle, looking at his watch. ‘I promised Veronica I’d double-check the marquees.’

  Estelle peered up at the skies. The sun was really out now, but dark clouds hovered nearby. ‘You think the festival will go ahead?’

  ‘You know Veronica. She’ll make sure it does.’

  ‘Just like she made sure Eddie Lazell’s life was ruined.’

  ‘Eddie Lazell?’ Aiden asked.

  Estelle explained what she’d learnt about the journalist and how the community had come together to push him down.

  Aiden shook his head. ‘I can’t believe this place.’

  ‘I know. It just gets worse, doesn’t it? Well, I’m not going to the festival, I can’t face them all. I might sit here for a bit,’ Estelle said. ‘I have a good vantage point here in case Poppy turns up.’

  ‘Then after?’

  She peered towards the train station. If she didn’t see Poppy, would it be time to go home? What exactly could she do if she stayed? What would be the point if there was no sign of Poppy? Nobody was going to open up to an outsider. And that was what she was, wasn’t it? An outsider. Maybe that was what she’d always been.

  But what about Aiden?

  She knew part of her had hoped something would come of the night before. But as she sat here in the cold light of day, she knew she was being unrealistic. They both had new lives. They couldn’t turn back the clock. And being with Aiden would only mean her past would press even closer, a reminder every single day.

  No, she needed to go home and get her head in gear, really think about things. Maybe go to DC Jones with all she’d learnt. Sure, he might not take her seriously, but at least she’d know she’d tried.

  ‘I’ll go home,’ she said to Aiden. ‘If the trains are running anyway.’

  ‘So this is another goodbye,’ he said, and she thought she could hear disappointment in his voice.

  ‘I suppose it is.’

  She wanted him to tell her to stay, or to say that he’d go with her. But he just looked at her, emotions rushing between them. Maybe he also felt that there was just too much baggage. She’d given up his daughter, after all.

  As though in answer, he stood up, and walked away without saying anything. But she understood. It was too much, all of these goodbyes.

  Everything was too much.

  She stayed where she was for a while, watching as the final details were added to the festival: stall owners turning up with their wares, a man with a clipboard ordering people about, balloons being tied to some chairs. She looked at the sea, which was a hazy red in areas. She tried to find Poppy amongst the people gathering below, but there was no sign of her.

  Estelle took a deep breath then stood up, peering over the edge of the cliff and imagining Alice falling from it all those years before. She shuddered then walked to the road, surprised to find a car parked up.

  Darren’s car.

  He had his window down and was peering out at her through a pair of expensive sunglasses.

  ‘Looks like the sun’s coming out for my mother’s festival,’ he said.

  ‘Maybe not for long,’ Estelle said, eying the black clouds on the horizon.

  ‘Yep, and the beach will be sodden after that rainfall last night. Mum won’t be happy, she was hoping it would subside. At least the roads have reopened.’

  ‘You seem to turn up a lot in your car when I’m around,’ Estelle said, looking at him suspiciously. Did he know everything about her, like the rest of the town seemed to?

  ‘It’s a small town.’ He paused. ‘I heard about what happened last night at the café. Fancy a coffee? Maybe you need a friend to talk to.’

  She scrutinised his face. ‘Are you a friend?’

  ‘You know I am, Stel. I know I can be a bit of a dick sometimes, but I know when someone’s in need of a strong cup of organic coffee and a chat. And I had no idea about you and Aiden having a kid together by the way, my mum told me last night.’

  Maybe he was a friend then. Estelle raised an eyebrow. ‘Organic coffee in Lillysands?’

  ‘No, but I have some at my place,’ he said. ‘Come on. I won’t bite.’

  She looked into his eyes. He seemed genuine.

  And maybe he could tell her more than his parents and anyone else seemed to be willing to. This was her last shot then that was it, she was returning to London.

  She opened the passenger door of his car and jumped in.

  ‘That cloud really doesn’t look too good,’ Darren said, arching his neck to peer at it through the windscreen.

  ‘There’s bound to be more rain.’

  ‘Mum’s convinced the marquees will save the day.’

  ‘Didn’t they blow away last year?’

  ‘Yep.’ A smile lit up his handsome face. ‘It was hilarious.’

  She couldn’t help but smile back. ‘You’re cruel.’

  ‘Don’t tell my mum I said that,’ he said, and raised an eyebrow.

  She noticed a slight bruise above his eye. ‘Been in a scrap?’ she asked him, pointing to it.

  He smoothed his fringe over it. ‘Boxing. I like to indulge every now and again.’

  ‘Tough guy.’

  ‘That’s what I like to tell myself.’

  As they passed the beach, Estelle looked out at the calm sea, the sails of ships below fluttering in the warm breeze.

  After a few minutes they drew up outside a huge block of apartments overlooking the marina with sparkling windows and a glossy white exterior. They both looked up at it … all ten floors of it.

  Darren clicked a button on his keys and the double gates opened, welcoming them into an underground car park.

  ‘Very nice,’ Estelle commented.

  ‘It’ll do,’ Darren said, peering at her sideways. He parked up and they both got out, walki
ng to a lift. When they got in, Estelle felt self-conscious, aware she hadn’t showered nor applied make-up. But Darren didn’t seem to care as he pressed his finger onto a fingerprint reader. ‘Security is better this way. No one gets in or out without permission,’ he said with a wink.

  ‘Sounds like Lillysands.’

  He smiled. ‘True.’

  The lift pinged when it got to the top floor and opened onto a large penthouse apartment with gleaming white walls and floor-to-ceiling windows.

  ‘Wow,’ Estelle said, looking around her.

  Darren smiled. ‘Still needs some more bits and pieces to make it feel like home, but it’s getting there.’ He threw his keys into a black glass bowl and led her to an open-plan kitchen. ‘So, organic coffee?’

  ‘Decaf?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Yes please.’ She needed to at least try to return to normal eating today.

  She sat on one of the stools and peered out of the windows towards the grey sea.

  ‘You look tired,’ Darren commented.

  She put her hand to her hair, conscious again of how she must look. ‘It’s been a tough night.’ As she said that, a memory of Aiden’s lips on her skin, the feel of him inside her, shivered through her mind. She blushed, looking down at the table.

  ‘So Poppy O’Farrell is your daughter?’ Darren asked, pushing the plunger of his coffee maker down. ‘Yeah, Mum told me that bit too. She was really shocked.’

  Estelle raised an eyebrow. ‘Oh come on, they all knew already.’

  Darren frowned. ‘Mum insists they had no idea. I mean, they knew about the pregnancy, sure. But that was it.’

  ‘It’s hard to believe what people say here, Darren. You must understand why it’s so difficult for me to trust people in Lillysands?’

  ‘Of course.’ The smell of coffee filled the air and he poured Estelle a cup, taking it over to her. She held it in her hands, breathing in its scent.

  ‘I know I seem like I love it here,’ Darren said to her. ‘But the place does my head in too, Estelle. I’m tied here.’

  ‘But you have money,’ Estelle said, peering around her. ‘You can leave it you want.’