The days by his side

by M. C. S

  “So, you and Ben are doing a school assignment together?” Marcos asked me. Like you didn't know, asshole, I thought.

  “I think we're trying,” I laughed without any humor.

  “You will sing in the classroom,” Marcos laughed. “It will be fun.”

  “What will be fun?” I asked him.

  “Ben and you, you know, singing together. This is so surreal.”

  “Why surreal?” Mrs. Ana asked Marcos.

  “Do you know who this girl is?”

  “Who is this girl?” she folded her arms, staring at him, as if to say he better not answer.

  “Marcos, I'll give you some advice, be quiet, at least for today,” Benjamin said to the "friend".

  “I'll get some air,” I said, leaving the room and not waiting for their answer.

  I sincerely hoped Ben would come after me, but he did not. Maybe Marcos's bullshit has already infected him again. That is it, maybe bullshit is a virus. An extremely painful virus for some people around. Sometimes I had forgotten that Ben was Ben. One of the coolest assholes in school. A guy who used and abused on his beautiful side, to feel superior to many around him.

  I rested my arm on the grid that surrounded the pool and watched the water being stirred by the wind. I heard a dry leaf stepping on it and hoped it was Ben, though I didn't hear the hum of his wheelchair. I looked back and saw Mrs. Ana, watching me.

  “It´s been a while since he came here,” I turned my attention to the pool. “Marcos. I called him yesterday, inviting him to lunch here, to keep Benjamin company.”

  “I thought he still visited Ben often. They are best friends.”

  “Benjamin hasn´t had best friends since the accident. I don't even know if he has friends,” my heart felt like it was being pierced with every word spoken. How did Ben's friends abandon him the moment he needed them most?

  “They were a group. It was four plus Ben's girlfriend. None of them come to visit?”

  “No. They disappeared,” Ana looked like she wanted to vent, as if she needed to do it urgently, but no one wanted to listen; I was willing to listen. “Ben pretends he doesn't care, but I know this is eating him inside. This house was full, and it wasn't just on weekends, it was every day. Every day,” she repeated and rested her hand on the grid, looking sadly at the pool. “How many parties they had here. Marcos,” she wiped a tear from her eye. “There wasn´t a day he didn't come here. When Ben crashed and fell into a coma, he often went to the hospital, but as soon as Ben was discharged and came home, his visits slowed to nothing. He shows up here once a month, and sometimes not even that.”

  “I'm sorry,” I put my hand over hers, patting it lightly.

  “You're doing good for him.”

  “Me?” I said, surprised.

  “It’s been a long time since he smiled so naturally, it’s been a long time since he felt like getting out of bed. You’re a good friend. You have great patience with him. I know that sometimes his dark humor is unbearable, but you’re still on his side. Thank you!”

  “No need to thank,” I said, while remembering that I was not that patient, a few minutes ago I wanted to punch his face.

  “Let's go!” she called me. “Lunch will be served,” she was silent for a while. “Please don't give up on him,” I nodded.

  Ana's face turned into something painfully sad. Her husband not stayed for lunch. She even did not see him leaving. I listened to her quietly asking Mrs. Laura when he had managed to escape. She disguised when she realized that I had listened and tried to show me her best smile. I did the same, wanting to make her believe that I had not heard.

  For lunch, it was served a delicious Bolognese lasagna, rice with broccoli, and chips especially for me, Ben said. But I can clearly say that what I was seeing at the table was that Ben I had seen right when he returned to school. He looked grumpy and had not eaten anything yet. His face was red and frowning.

  “Damned!” Ben said, punching the table, knocking the cutlery from his plate to the floor and some food spilling onto the table. That was enough to scare us. No one expected this attitude from Ben, at least I did not.

  I got up and bent down to get the cutlery.

  “You scared me!” Marcos said.

  “Shut up, idiot!”

  “Benjamin, I won't allow you to talk to your friend like that,” his mother scolded him.

  “You can't even get my dad to meet with us for lunch, don´t try to control what I'm going to say,” Ana bowed her head, looking frustrated.

  I put the cutlery on the table and saw Ben turn on the wheelchair, turned it towards the hallway. I went after him, wanting to understand why this sudden change of mood.

  Ben was already in his room, he would knock on the door in my face, if I had not been fast enough to hold it, preventing it from being closed.

  “Leave me in peace!” he said, without any kindness in his tone. I did not do what he asked, I went into his room and locked the door.

  “You look like a grumpy child.”

  “Nice to meet you, that's one of my sides that you probably didn't know. Don't you realize that I want to be alone?”

  “I see, I just don't want to do that. You were looking like someone else. Is it because of your father?” Ben moved the wheelchair to the window.

  “Why do you insist? Why do you insist on wasting time with me?” he spun his chair to face me, seeming to urgently need an answer.

  “I just want to understand you a little.”

  “We only met a few days ago, I don´t know if I can continue with our friendship. You are very different from the kind of people I used to hang with.”

  “And does it matter?”

  “Maybe two years ago that would matter to me. Marcos said a lot of bad things about you while you went for a” breath”,” Ben made quotes with his fingers, he knew that deep down I wanted to run away from Marcos.

  “And you agreed with him?” I asked.

  “No, I had to shut him up by reminding him of some truths.”

  “Did you fight with your friend because of me?”

  “I know this is weird, if it was before, I'd help him make fun of you,” Ben's blank expression vanished instantly, being replaced by a smile. “I have a lot to tell you, Elle. Can I trust you to the point of telling you some terrible secrets?” I nodded. “Do you keep my secrets even from Carla?” My mouth was half open, I never hide anything from Carla. I always told everything that happened in my life to her. And now Ben was unexpectedly part of it. “Come on, Elle, answer me.”

  “Yes. Yes,” I mumbled. I knew that yes was not one hundred percent concrete.

  “If I suspect that you let some of our conversation slip to anyone, I will break our friendship forever.” I did not like the tone he used, it seemed very sincere.

  “Who would I tell? If you didn't notice, I don't have many friends.”

  “Great! Not the part you don't have many friends,” he justified himself and went on, “Since I have to turn this shit of friendship into something worthwhile, I'll trust you and tell you what happened on the night of the accident.”

  “Although you called our friendship shit, I’m precisely willing to listen and keep everything a secret.”

  Benjamin

  “Once upon a time...”

  “Benjamin!” Elle interrupted me with that tone of voice of hers that cannot take it easy.

  “Elle, it's my story, I'm still trying to take courage to tell it, so let me tell it the way I think it's best. Just don't interrupt me, please,” I replayed, protesting.

  Elle agreed not to interrupt me again. If she kept doing that, I could not talk. It was the first time I would vent on the night of the accident with someone and just being Elle made things even harder. How could I imagine that one day I would tell a big secret to the girl in front of me? Never.

  In the meantime, I tried to focus again on that day it seemed to have been marked to be the most unforgettable of my life.

  I noticed briefly that Elle loo
ked beautiful in that dress, that was not hers, but at the same time seemed to have been made for her.

  Elle had been sitting in the computer chair, she had adjusted to be eye to eye with me, although she could not look me in the eye for long, she always ended up blushing and pretending to observe something I had not figured out yet what it was.

  I kept silent for a while until I decided to start telling my story again. Not from the point of view I bet Elle had heard from others, but from mine. The only true side of this story.

  The sky was partly clear that morning. I always woke up lazy after a party night. My mother would not let me sleep until late, since it was the last day of the year. She and dad tried to convince me to travel with them until the last minute before they got in their car and headed to the airport for New York.

  “No!” I had said it one more time. It was a no full of confidence. I would not stop spending the holidays with my friends to spend with my parents. I had done this a lot as a child, and the true is that a teenager does not like to be with his parents on times like these. What they want most is to have fun with friends. Not that they cannot have fun with their parents either, but let's face it, there are things at parties we cannot do in the presence of our parents.

  Not that I was gonna go around getting all the girls, and I could not even do that since I was with Jessica, but I wanted my freedom. Not that my parents were not liberal, in fact, they were pretty much. I had no limits. I did what I wanted with a lot of money in my pocket and no one to say no.

  I had arranged with my friends and Jessica to spend the New Year's Eve at the beach. Jessica spent all day here at home. She was glowing that day. She had worn a long white dress that perfectly framed her beautiful body. She had worn the gold necklace I had given her in celebration of our six months of dating. I loved how beautiful her mouth looked in that red lipstick that I always made sure to take off before we got to the place we were supposed to go. Jessica and I, could say, we were a perfect couple. I do not know if it is because of the short time we were together, but we never had a serious fight. I loved her in every way, everything she asked me to do, I could never say no to her. Maybe I inherited it from my parents.

  It was after midnight, and the fireworks had already exploded in perfect sync in the sky. At that time, I remember with conviction, none of us were at their normal. André had already fallen for the second time, Bruno threw up on the beach, making several girls that we had met right there run out. Jessica was stumbling, I was already getting a little dizzy. Marcos, can say that he had already overstepped all limits. He’d got mixed up with, like, three guys, and that’s when I realized the business was getting ugly. The guys didn’t stop following us, of course Marcos wanted to face everyone, to show how tough he was, like he always did. I caught a glimpse when one of the guys lifted his shirt slightly, showing he was armed.

  I called Jessica to leave, but she would not leave Marcos behind. He was part of her family, they were cousins. It was at this point that I should have realized that blood comes first. It was hard to convince Marcos to leave.

  It took a few minutes before we found the car among several, making me uneasy. I had caught my father's Ranger Rover hidden from him. Not so hidden, I had always borrowed from him. Like I said, he never said no to me. Only tonight I had not asked, because he was not home. It was Marcos' responsibility to drive, since he was the only one who was over eighteen and had a driver's license, occasionally I drove.

  Traffic on the road was smooth, many people did not care to come home at this time, they just wanted to enjoy the rest of the night. It was what we would do too, we would go to a friend’s party.

  I had a feeling the car was over 100 km per hour, Marcos always liked the high speed. André was in the front passenger seat, I vaguely remember the sound of his snoring. I was behind with Bruno and Jessica, who rested her head on my shoulder.

  “Weren't you driving?” Elle exploded, her face was of surprise and indignation. She suddenly got up from her chair and fixed her dress. I was sure your eyes were watering.

  “You promised you wouldn't interrupt me.”

  “Excuse me, I couldn’t help. It wasn’t you that caused the accident?” I nodded, staring at the floor. I did not want to look at Elle now. That was a secret between me, Jessica and the other three.

  I waited for Elle to calm down to tell the rest of the story, though I thought I waited in vain. She would not calm down. I continued anyway.

  Many do not remember what happens before an accident, but I remember almost everything. I remember when Marcos made a forbidden overtaking, a car came up against ours and Marcos couldn't reduce in time. Our car was hit by the other car and flipped over and over, and I was the only one not wearing a seat belt, so...

  I pulled Elle's hand and made her come to me. She sat on my lap and hid her face on my shoulder. I had tried to comfort the crying girl in front of me. I slid my fingers through her hair, unable to understand why she was reacting like that. I wanted to look her in the eye, but I know it was not what she wanted at that moment. I move on with the story.

  I woke up completely stunned in a hospital bed. I didn't know which was worse, waking up in the hospital alone, or not feeling my legs. I suffered a spinal cord injury. The doctor had told me that my paraplegia was reversible. I could heal myself, he assured, and I trust him. I did all the possible procedures. My mother cried each day of treatment. One of those unavoidable commitments. I could never convince my mother to give up on them. That was one of the first no I received.

  Do you know what is worse than you getting to know that you are paraplegic? It is hearing from your mother asking me to not feel guilty that I caused that accident that hurt myself.

  “I see,” I had answered, surprised.

  Jessica entered the room where I was hospitalized that same day. She arrived with all her grace and beauty, making the place a little more beautiful. She stroked my hair with her soft, familiar touch, I closed my eyes at her wonderful scent, waited anxiously for a kiss from her, but she just walked away. She stood staring at me in deadly silence until she opened her mouth to say something that left me completely misguided.

  “We told the police you were driving the car. Please, Ben, don't deny our version. Marcos is of legal age; he can be arrested for driving drunk and causing the accident. Also, for causing it to you,” she pointed her hand at my leg. Her voice was quiet, seemed more concerned with her cousin than me. “Aren't you going to say anything? Marcos was not guilty, we have done it before, it was just an accident. It could have been any of us.”

  “But it was not. Leave me alone, Jessica. I need to clear my thoughts.”

  “All right, but think with tenderness. Remember everything you lived together.”

  And I thought. It was a long distressing day. I wanted to break something, but I couldn't get out of my damn place to break something.

  I became paraplegic and the only thing my girlfriend and my best friends wanted me to do was not to tell the damn truth about what happened in that accident. I bitterly regretted that it was not me who got behind the wheel that night, as I wish it had been me.

  I felt a complete useless. I felt the less loved among them. I always thought I was the favorite, but no. I was just the guy with money in his pocket who could afford all the parties, the guy who always had a car available to go wherever they wanted. The popular guy from school. That was what I was, I was just that. I cried that day as I had never remembered crying before. I cried, I sobbed, until my mother appeared and comforted me in her arms. The only person who was really worried about my condition, the only person I could really call friend.

  Like I said, I never said no to Jessica, I never failed to do what she asked of me. I was in love. Therefore, for everyone, I caused the accident. Benjamin caused his own misery. Benjamin caused his own death.

  “Stop it,” Elle said, touching my face, resting her fingers on my cheek, her hand was more delicate than Jessica's, her touch was truer. “You
are not dead. There are many good things to happen yet,” she said, still sitting on my lap. “Your friends are assholes, I'm sorry if you took long to realize this, but there are still nice people. You should not restrict your life to these four.”

  “I don't do that anymore. I'm over this trauma.”

  “I'm sure about that,” was it just a feeling or was Elle disguising? “How can Marcos look at you in this state and get on with his life normally?”

  “It could be worse, he told me once. You could pee and poop in your pants, think how embarrassing that would be.”

  “This is outrageous!” Elle left my lap and paced the room. “I'm going to tell him some truths.”

  “No, you won't. You promised that this conversation would not get out of here,” damned! She did not answer. “Elle!” I called her.

  “I will not say anything.” I trusted her, but not at all. “Why is Marcos still coming here?”

  “Hard feelings, or maybe he's afraid I'll freak out and tell someone the truth. He says he doesn't come to see me more often because of college, but there is still enough time left for him to enjoy several parties. Parties he never called me again.”

  “And your father, don't you regret? He was sued for leaving his car at the disposal of his underage son.”

  “Of course I feel, Elle, my father was not arrested. I was able to prove that I took the car hidden. I hope you don't judge me for this, I knew he wouldn't be arrested, I was confident about it.”

  I walked Elle home, though she said it was not necessary. A short road, but one that seemed to have grown longer due to the sudden silence that came over us.

  “Please, don´t tell anything to Carla.”

  “I won´t,” she said, entering her house not even saying goodbye.

  Marcos stayed at home until night, he insisted on asking what I had said to Elle, or rather, the weirdo, as he liked to call her.

  “None of your business,” I answered.

  “Please don't tell me you kissed her?” Marcos burst out laughing as he asked me, I looked at him incredulously, not because he had asked if I kissed her, but because of the disgusting way the words came out of his mouth.