Redemption: Darkness Falls

by Ivory Quinn

  She broke down completely then. “I don’t know how else to be.” She collapsed into his arms, sobbing helplessly. “I’m not like you, Jax. I’m not confident or sexy or one of the beautiful people. I don’t know how to be the kind of person that can let you love me.”

  “Well that’s where you’re going wrong.” He said gently, folding them down until he could sit on the floor and she curled up in his arms. “You don’t have to try and be anything. Just breathe and live and move through your life and I’ll love you just for existing.”

  “I can’t.” She covered her face. “I’m so worthless, Jax. I’m not sure I can even carry on living any more.”

  “What?” He blanched. “What do you mean by that?”

  “I’ve had my eyes opened.” She curled up in a tiny ball around the gaping ache in her chest. “I’ve spent my entire life as a pathetic creature, desperate to please. I was destined for Gabriel. Destined to be broken. I just wish he’d taken me with him when he died. I don’t want to live like this any more.”

  “Don’t you dare!” Jax was so angry he was shaking her as he yelled. “Don’t you dare even think about doing that to me! Of all the stupid, selfish things to even fucking think about...How could you? What the fuck are you thinking?!”

  “Hey!” The front door crashed open and Blue appeared. “What the hell is going on here? Noelle, are you alright?”

  “No she’s not fucking alright!” Jax snarled up at him. “She’s fucking suicidal.”

  “Noelle, is that true?” Blue stared down at her, stricken.

  “I’m just so tired of trying.” She wept, trying her best to sink into the floor.

  “So you think you’ll just do to us what Gabriel did to you?” He shook his head. “Get up, cupcake. Your little pity party is over. If you think Jax or I are going to let you take the coward’s way out then you don’t know us at all.”

  “Leave me alone.” She snuffled, rolling off Jax’s lap to crawl into the bedroom.

  “No can do.” He leaned down and scooped her up by the arms.

  “Let me go!” She struggled against him, but he just put his arms around her.

  “Really?” He remarked drily, a smile flirting around his lips. “You’re really going to try and take me in a fist fight?”

  She pummelled his chest uselessly, her rage fuelling her impotent fury until she just exploded. “You have no idea!” She screamed at him. “You don’t know what it’s like! You’ll never understand!”

  “You’re right.” He replied calmly. “I won’t ever understand. I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. But what I do understand is that you’re going to bounce back from this. Cal isn’t tearing you down to leave you bleeding in the dust; he’s paving the way for new foundations.” He pressed her head to his chest until she stopped struggling. “I know it hurts right now. I know you think there’s no way out of the dark place in your head and I know that you’re tired and angry and sad and ashamed and so many other things that you feel like fucked up soup. But you’re wrong. The only way from here is up and you’re not doing it on your own. So stop being a fucking prima donna and go and change into a T-shirt that isn’t covered in snot. We’ve got shopping to do.” He released her, turned her startled face in the direction of the bedroom and lightly swatted her behind. “Chop chop, Little Monkey. First appointment is in less than an hour.”

  “I’m not going shopping!” She looked almost comical, face streaked with tears and her small hands balled into fists, facing off with a man almost three times her size.

  “Yes you are.” Between one sentence and the next, Blue had flipped into Master mode and his magnetism rolled through the hallway like a tidal wave. “I’m not going to ask you again, little one. If you don’t get your arse into that bedroom and change, you will rue it ‘til the day you die.”

  Her fury wilted under the sheer force of his charisma, but she still tried to stare him down. He gave her three seconds and then took a step forward. She fled for the safety of the bedroom and he sighed.

  “What the hell was that?” Jax was upright now, but his jaw was hanging open. “What if she’d totally flipped out?”

  “She wouldn’t.” Blue moved past him and headed in search of the kitchen. “She’s feeling groundless right now, Jax. Everything has been taken away from her, right down to her sense of self. She needs structure. She needs guidance. She needs someone to tell her what the hell to do until she’s in the right headspace to start making decisions for herself again.”

  “Is she really suicidal?” All of his anger and betrayal from earlier had drained out of him in the face of Noelle’s meltdown, and he poured Blue a cup of coffee, sitting next to him at the breakfast bar.

  “I think at the moment in time that she blurted it out, she probably was.” Blue swirled the coffee round and then gave a small smile. “Right now she’s pissed off, indignant and building herself up to a righteous anger with me. She’ll be too busy focusing on that to think about topping herself.”

  “What about when she comes down? She can’t be angry all the time.” Jax dry scrubbed his face, looking shell shocked and tired. “Am I going to have to watch her?”

  “I don’t know.” Blue admitted, his honesty sounding raw on the bass tones of his voice. “I think admitting it is the worst of it, but Cal knows more about this stuff than me. I’m dealing with her sexual issues. He’s dealing with her identity issues.”

  “I don’t know if she can deal with another heavy session tomorrow.” Jax gave up on his coffee and rested his forehead on his arms. “She was really subdued last night and the only time I’ve ever seen her freak out like this was after she found out Gabriel had left her everything.”

  “Was she suicidal then?” Blue seemed surprised and Jax sighed.

  “No. She just went wild. She absolutely destroyed her house – smashed everything in reach and tore up all the furniture. There wasn’t much left to rescue after she was done. That was what it reminded me of when she went for you.”

  “I don’t think she’s going to have much luck tearing me up.” Blue grinned, draining his coffee as Noelle walked into the kitchen. “You’re not going to try and take me on again, are you?”

  “Don’t rub it in.” Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, but she’d washed her face and changed her clothes. It looked like it was going to be a hot late summer day, so she’d pulled on a vest top and a light summer skirt. “I’m having a bad morning and you’re not making it any better.”

  “I know.” Reaching across, he pulled her around to stand between him and Jax. “You need to be in the middle of a handsome sandwich. Come on, Jax.” He put his arms around them both and squeezed them in a bear hug.

  “A handsome sandwich?” Despite himself, Jax sniggered and reciprocated, wrapping his arms around Noelle.

  “Well you’re handsome, I’m devastatingly gorgeous.” Blue shrugged, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “Put something in the middle and it’s definitely a handsome sandwich.”

  “As nice as this is, I’m a bit sore so could you not squeeze so tightly?” Noelle’s voice was muffled, her head squashed somewhere between their chests.

  “Sore?” Blue released her and pressed her head down, pulling open the back of her top. “Damn. We’ll stop by the Manor. I’ve got something that’ll take that right down.”

  “How about not fucking doing it again?” Jax snarled, trying to keep a lid on his anger in the face of the familiarity Blue was treating Noelle with.

  “I’ll do what I need to do to keep her safe.” Blue gave him a serious look. “Is that what triggered this whole thing off?” Jax looked away and Noelle just stared at the floor, both unwilling to talk about it. Blue sighed. “I haven’t got time to deal with this right now. Get your shoes on, Red. When we get back we’re going to talk about this.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.” Jax said flatly.

  “Actually there is.” Blue’s voice went as cold as an arctic wind. “I understand where you’re coming fr
om, Jax, and I can respect your wishes, but my priority here is getting Noelle’s head on straight. If you try and stop me from doing that, she’ll have to come and stay at the Manor. Until she gets it under control, I can’t take the risk that you won’t meet her needs.”

  “That’s because she won’t let me know her needs!” Jax exploded out of his seat in tightly sprung fury, pacing around the kitchen.

  “I don’t want you to see me like that.” Noelle’s eyes were downcast. “It’s not pretty, Jax.”

  “Just think about it while we’re out.” Blue cut over whatever Jax was about to say. “We have to go or we’ll be late.”

  “Whatever.” Jax stormed out of the kitchen and Noelle sighed.

  “It’s okay, Little Monkey. He’ll come round.” Blue squeezed her shoulder. “Go and put your shoes on.”

  “Do you really think he’ll be okay?” She didn’t move, just staring at the door Jax had walked out of. “I hate going out and leaving him mad.”

  “He’ll be fine.” Blue assured her. “He won’t be happy, but on some level he’ll accept it.”

  “He’s right.” She said, turning slowly towards him. “I asked him to wait and then I slept with someone else.”

  “This isn’t all about you, Noelle.” Giving up on waiting, Blue herded her into the hallway and pointed at her shoes. “Everyone has preconceived ideas about sex and Jax is no different. You’re not the only one that needs to let your hang-ups go. When you sleep with him it’ll be because you love him. It’ll be about forging a connection between two people that can’t exist without each other. When you’re with me it’s because you need a little help battling your demons. We’re not connected. We’re just friends.”

  “I guess.” She finally slipped her shoes on and picked up her handbag as Blue opened the door and unlocked the car.

  Chapter fourteen

  They drove to the outskirts of town to the industrial park, where Blue had a contact that imported custom items in latex and leather. He measured her up quickly enough, but when it came to actually choosing clothes, Noelle felt like she’d landed completely on another planet.

  “I have no idea what I’m even looking at.” She held up something very black and shiny.

  “They’re latex stockings.” Blue hid a smile. “You’d look really sexy in these, but I don’t know that latex is your thing. You’re earthier...you need leather.”

  “Fine. You pick whatever you think I need and I’ll just run my card past the machine.” She gave up and he sighed.

  “You need to try this stuff on.”

  “Fine.” She said grouchily. “Pick it and I’ll try it on and then I’ll run my card past the machine.”

  “You’re so cute when you’re grumpy.” Grinning, he handed her a couple of coat hangers. “If you don’t start smiling soon, I’m going to start licking you. Fair warning.”

  “What is it with you and licking??” She narrowed her eyes. “I’m wearing perfume. I’ll taste horrible.”

  “I’m sure I can find somewhere to lick that doesn’t have perfume on it.” He glanced up from the rack of clothes he was perusing. “You can’t seriously tell me you sprayed perfume on that sweet pussy of yours?”

  “Blue!” Scandalised, her cheeks flushed scarlet. “You’re not coming anywhere near it in public.”

  “Then you’d better start smiling, Little One, because if you don’t I’m going to have my face in it, whether we’re in public or not.”

  “You wouldn’t!” Her jaw actually dropped as he gave a casual shrug.

  “Sure I would.” He grinned. “You want to try me?”

  “You can’t just order me to smile!” She glared at him, backing away.

  “I repeat, do you want to try me?” He stalked towards her and she fled in the direction of the changing rooms. As if that was going to stop him. Shaking his head, Blue gave the proprietor a questioning look and the man shrugged.

  “Just don’t make a mess.”

  Blue’s smile was so wide he looked like the Cheshire Cat. “Trust me, I don’t need to make a mess to make a woman smile.”

  “Whatever.” The shopkeeper chuckled at him and waved a hand dismissively, turning back to the catalogue he was studying.

  “Little Monkey...” Blue prowled into the fitting rooms. “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

  “Go away.” Her voice was coming from the end cubicle and he quietly checked the others on the way past to make sure there was no-one in there.

  “Do you really think telling me to go away is actually going to make me go away?” He pulled the curtain and she backed into the corner as he stepped into the cubicle and closed the curtain behind him.

  “We can’t do this, Blue.” She glared at him. “I had a massive row with Jax this morning and I don’t think going out and getting my kicks with some other guy is the right thing to do.”

  “Rightness is a fluid concept.” He shrugged easily, dropping to his knees in front of her. “This is what you need right now.”

  “It’s not.” She shook her head, trying to make herself small as she squeezed in beside the mirror.

  “It is.” He disagreed, running his hands up the back of her thighs. “You’re having a major wobble today and you’ve forgotten how damn sexy you are. Give me ten minutes to remind you and then we’ll move on to the rest of our day in a better frame of mind.” He pushed her skirt above her hips and she tried to push it back down. Her efforts were futile. “Give in, Red.” He tried to hide his amusement. “Just let me please you.”

  “It’s wrong!” She frowned. “I don’t want to hurt Jax any more.”

  “Red, you are so broken. Why don’t you try and fix your own problems before you start working on Jaxon’s?”

  “I...” She closed her mouth, unwilling to concede that he had a good point. “Jaxon doesn’t have a problem.” She tried after a few moments, during which he managed to capture both her hands in one of his.

  “Yes he does. He needs you to get your head straight, but he can’t accept how that needs to happen and he’s putting unfair expectations on you.”

  “It’s hardly unfair.” She yanked at her hands, but he wasn’t letting go. “I don’t think asking me to not have sex with other guys is unfair.”

  “It is if you’re not together and it’s what you need.” He wrestled her briefs down. “Are you in a relationship?”

  “We will be.” She clenched her thigh muscles together, trying to protect her modesty.

  “But you’re not now and he knows that. He knew when he sent you to me that this would happen. Besides, I’m not ‘other guys’. I’m your therapist, of sorts. Don’t project his insecurities onto your path to well-being.”

  “Blue please, don’t.” She closed her eyes. “I can’t deal with this right now.”

  “I’ll stop if you get your act together.” He looked up at her. “You need to believe, Red. You need to start seeing what the rest of us see in you.”

  “But I don’t know what you all see in me.” Tears seeped from beneath her eyelids.

  “We already had the discussion about you being sweet.” He joked. “As for the rest, well...you’re a very sexy lady. You have the kind of curves that make a man weak at the knees. I mean, I’m just your friend and right now I can’t think of anything I’d like to do more than lick you where the sun don’t shine. I don’t get on my knees for just anyone you know.”

  “It’s a good look on you.” She opened her eyes and forced a smile. “You’re so much larger than life...it’s kind of strange to see you looking so humble.”

  “I’m more than the sum of my parts, Noelle.” He rearranged her clothes so that she was covered once more and released her hands.

  “I know.” She ran her fingers through his hair, cradling his head as he leaned into her. “You’re a kind, complex and very special man. I’m lucky.”

  “Yes you are.” He chuckled and sat back on his knees. “So now that you’re in a slightly less grumpy mood, shall we get on
with trying these outfits on?”

  He took her home to Jax’s apartment just after six, laden down with bags of clothes and shopping. He hadn’t been joking when he’d said they were going to replace her entire underwear drawer and she sat on the bed amidst all the bags and just shook her head. She’d spent hundreds of pounds. She’d never been so extravagant before and it was a little shocking to her sensibilities.

  Jax wasn’t home when she arrived and he still wasn’t back when she finished putting everything away. Wandering through to the kitchen, she heated up a bowl of soup and sat at the counter to eat it, wondering where he was. After her outburst that morning, she wasn’t surprised he wasn’t home. She didn’t think she’d want to be around her either. Not really in the mood to eat, she stirred the soup around in the bowl until it went cold, mulling over the day. She’d been so angry with Blue that morning, but now that she’d calmed down, she was just full of sadness again and very, very tired.

  There was a piece of paper lying on the counter and she dragged it over curiously. Jax’s kitchen was almost always tidy, thanks to the housekeeper that came frequently. It was rare for him to leave anything out. It looked like he’d been trying to write song lyrics, but he’d gotten as far as writing something about the loudest silence before he’d been interrupted. And he’d clearly been interrupted – the writing cut off halfway through a word.

  The loudest silence...the concept played on her mind as she gave up on dinner and washed up her bowl and spoon. She knew about loud silences. Sometimes it felt like everything was screaming inside her head and no-one could quiet it because no-one else could hear it. Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine Gabriel’s voice as he sang. His demons had shredded themselves on his vocal chords, pouring through her soul in unchained deliverance, soaring in harmony with her own darkness. His silences had echoed. They must have cut him even more deeply than her silences cut her, because he had the gift of song to let it out. She was mute.