Redemption: Darkness Falls

by Ivory Quinn

  Her restless eyes fell on the piece of paper again and she frowned. She may not have the voice to sing, but she certainly had the words to speak. Scooping up the pen, she just let the words flow from her in a stream, trying to articulate how she felt. When she was done, she tried to rearrange them into some sort of song format, talking herself through some of the Darkness Falls lyrics to try and get a feel for the layout.

  An hour later she had something she was almost happy with and sat back, feeling strangely emotional. She hadn’t realised how hard it would be to put it down on paper. She wrote the word “Silence” at the top of the page and read it through one last time.

  And my demons rolled beneath my skin

  Existing in a soundless scream

  And it’s the loudest silence...

  The loudest silence...

  And it’s the loudest echoing silence

  That hurts the most.

  I drown in darkness uncontained

  I am Jezebel, the red, the rage

  Don’t let me scream in silence.

  I’m locked in silence.

  Don’t let me cry out in silence...

  It hurts the most.

  If in silence I must, broken, lie

  Be not my heart, nor lover mine

  For my darkness will drown you

  My demons tear you

  And the silence that hurts the most

  Destroys us both

  Yes...that was how it felt. And the more she stared at the ugly words, the more she realised how true they were. Her darkness would drown Jax. Her demons would tear at him because she couldn’t contain them, and the screaming silences in her head would destroy them both in the end. She was sure of it. Staying here was no good for either of them. Gabriel was right. Sometimes love just isn’t enough to make everything work.

  She stared at the paper for a long time and realised she had to leave. She couldn’t be here when he got back, couldn’t bear for him to fuss over her and put her on the pedestal she didn’t feel worthy of. It was too much.

  Decision made, she grabbed her car keys and took her bag, heading out into the night. She started her car, but then couldn’t decide where to go. She couldn’t go to Blue. She didn’t want to be overpowered by him tonight. He was too overwhelming and she couldn’t think straight. Not that she wanted to think straight. She wanted to get roaring drunk and forget the world even existed. That meant one place...Gabriel’s house.

  She made the drive out of the city and up into the hills on autopilot. Her thoughts were churning around and around in her head, driving her crazy until she wanted to rip her face open and tear out her grey matter...pound it to pulp until it finally shut the hell up. She didn’t even bother parking the car, just abandoning it outside the house.

  Inside it was exactly as he had left it. The housekeeper still visited once a week to tidy up and replenish the fridge, even when nobody was staying there. The band sometimes came up to use the studio, but it was rare for anyone to stay overnight.

  Bypassing the kitchen altogether, she went for the drinks cabinet hidden behind a panel next to the television. Pouring a large glass of brandy, she chugged it down and refilled it, swallowing that too. Three glasses later and she was feeling nauseous, but her thoughts were still screaming like they were on a carousel, so she abandoned the glass and just started drinking from the bottle.

  When it was empty, she set it aside and made a serious attempt on the whisky next to it, but she’d never been able to stomach the taste. Disgusted with herself, she shoved it back into the cabinet and staggered into the bathroom as tears rolled fat and ugly down her face. She couldn’t even get drunk properly...too fussy to take it down.

  Weeping, she climbed into the bath and lay back, closing her eyes. “How could you, Gabriel?” She sobbed. “How could you leave me to clean up this mess on my own? I’m just not strong enough.”

  She wasn’t. She’d never be strong enough. She’d been brought up to be weak, to be so desperate to please that she’d trample everything she was to make someone happy. She’d let Gabriel bend her absolutely to his will, even though she was ashamed to be that person, and she’d never seriously questioned it until it was too late. She was too weak to stop Blue, too weak to deserve Jax. She was a nothing.

  And lying here, where Gabriel had taken his last breaths, suddenly she wanted to go to him with an intensity so sharp it was agonising. For all he had controlled and manipulated her, for all she had both hated and loved him, at least with him she had always known where she stood. Safety had lain in his control because she was absolved of her sins. It was too much to live without him.

  “I’m coming.” She whispered, hauling herself upright. “I’m coming, Gabriel.”

  Chapter fifteen

  She surfaced slowly to the sound of beeping.

  “Noelle?” She flinched at the voice and her eyes fluttered open. “You awake, Baby Girl?” Turning her head to the side slightly, she took in the worried face of the band’s drummer.

  “Raze?” Her voice was croaky and her throat was parched.

  “Yeah, it’s me.” He moved closer, leaning over her.

  “Where am I?”

  “Here, sip this slowly.” He held a straw to her mouth. “You’re in the hospital.”

  “The hospital?” She blinked up at him and accepted the straw, letting the cool water slide down her damaged throat. It felt so good it hurt.

  “Yeah, the hospital.” He frowned, taking the drink away. “Don’t you remember?” There was a noise behind her and he looked up, nodding at whoever was on the other side of the room. She heard a door close, but wasn’t fast enough to see who it was.

  “Why am I in the hospital, Raze?” She just couldn’t remember. Her mind was a big fog. She remembered writing song lyrics at Jax’s house, but everything after that was gone.

  The massive drummer shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearly not wanting to tell her, but she waited in silence for some answers and eventually he cracked. “You tried to kill yourself.” He whispered. “Jax got home and you weren’t there. He called Blue, who said he’d dropped you off at Jax’s. You weren’t answering your phone, so we all went out looking for you because he said you’d been really low. I found your car at Gabe’s house and when I went in you were in the bathtub and you’d cut your wrists.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I wouldn’t have done that. I wouldn’t do that to you guys.”

  “You were blazing drunk.” He said sadly. “I saw it with my own eyes, Noelle.”

  “Fuck.” She looked away, unable to bear the hurt on his face. “I’m so sorry. Where’s Jax? Is he okay?”

  “I sent him home. You’ve been out for about three days. He’s hardly slept while he waited for you to wake up.”

  “Noelle?” She didn’t recognise the voice and turned to find a nurse gazing kindly down at her. “I’m just going to check your obs.” The nurse smiled and bustled around her, clipping the heart rate monitor onto her finger and testing her blood pressure and temperature. “How are you feeling?” She asked, scribbling figures in the chart hanging on the end of the bed.

  “Thirsty. Heartsore.” Noelle closed her eyes. “Like I made a serious fuck up.”

  “I’ll send in some fresh water.” The nurse replaced the chart and patted her ankle calmly. “I know it feels bad right now, but they got to you in time and you’re going to be okay. I’ll send the doctor in to look at your wrists.”

  “Thanks.” She waited until the nurse had gone and turned back to Raze. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you had to find me like that and I’m sorry that I did it. I’m sorry that I got drunk. I’m sorry for being so selfish.”

  “Hey, it’s okay.” He wiped the tears from her face as she struggled with the IV still connected to her arm.

  “It’s not. It’s not okay. How could I do that to you?”

  “We didn’t know how bad it was.” He said helplessly, gathering her up into a bear-sized embrace. His shoulders and arms w
ere so broad and powerful that she felt completely enclosed in a warm cage of safety. “Jax didn’t tell us, otherwise we’d have all been there for you. For fuck’s sake, Baby Girl, we love you to bits. You’re one of us now...our little sister. We should have known how bad it was.”

  “I’m just so sorry.” He held her while she wept until the doctor came in to check her stitches. She managed to gather herself while he checked her over and asked her a few questions. By the time he was done, the other two band members had arrived. “Hey guys.” Pale-faced, she absorbed their pain and relief and sadness, letting it wash over her as a reminder of how stupid she’d been. “I’m so sorry.”

  “We’re just glad you’re okay.” Luke, the bass guitar player came in first. “We tried to call Jax to tell him you woke up, but he must be sleeping. He’s not answering his phone.”

  “I’ll get him on the way home.” Raze finally got up, pulling his ever-present beanie over his buzz-cut dark hair. She’d never seen him outside without one, even in the summer months. “I was up all night. I need to crash.”

  “Thanks...for everything.” Noelle held her arms up and he leaned down and hugged her, kissing her cheek and then her forehead.

  “Get well, Baby Girl.” He squeezed her gently. “I’ll be back this afternoon.” He said goodbye to the guys and left, self-consciously pulling the arms of his long sleeved T-shirt over his tattoos.

  “He is definitely sweet on that nurse.” Keys finally came all the way in after watching Blaze leave the ward. “He doesn’t cover his tats for anyone and that’s the second time in two days.”

  Noelle flinched. “You were here yesterday as well?”

  “We’ve been here most of the time since they brought you in.” Luke shook his head. “What the hell were you thinking, Noe? Didn’t you realise you’d break our hearts?”

  “No.” She replied honestly. “I just...you guys...I know Jax loves me but I didn’t...” She took a breath. “This isn’t coming out well. It’s...I was stupid. I should never have gotten drunk. I was feeling down and I should have thought, but I didn’t. I don’t even remember doing it.”

  “You made an impressive dent in the bar.” Keys teased her lightly, trying to shift the mood. “A whole bottle of brandy? Really?”

  “Not to mention the half bottle of whisky.” Luke sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand. “If there was ever any doubt that you’re one of us, that blew it right out of the water. When you’re up and about, we’re going to take you out just so you can drink us under the table.”

  “I’ll look forward to it.” She smiled up at him, genuinely meaning it. For the first time in months she was feeling a solid warmth inside her that had been ignited by the love of these wonderful men. She’d been so wrapped up in her own issues that she hadn’t even noticed they were there for her. She was such an idiot.

  “We thought your lyrics were good too.” Keys announced suddenly, taking a seat on the other side of the bed to Luke. “Jax brought them to our jam session last night when the nurses kicked us out.”

  “I was just...” She flushed scarlet. “I didn’t think...They weren’t supposed to be for singing. I was just trying to get it out of my head.”

  “Too bad. It sounds great.” He shrugged.

  “Well you can use them, but who’s singing?” She asked curiously.

  “We’re auditioning for a new front man next week.” Luke sighed. “Keys here has the best voice, but he won’t step up to the mic.”

  “Why not?” She turned to the keyboard player. He certainly had the looks to be the front man. Somewhere in his ancestry there was a hint of Latin, which expressed itself in skin the colour of caramel and fine, aquiline features. His eyes were a deep dark chocolate and his dark brunet hair fell to his collar in soft waves. Over the last couple of months she’d seen him occasionally sporting a goatee, but today he was clean shaven. He certainly wasn’t hurting for ladies, but now he just looked embarrassed.

  “I’ll never be Gabriel.” He shrugged self-consciously. “Those boots are just too big to fill. My voice isn’t as good as his was.”

  “If you’re looking for another Gabriel, you might as well give up now.” She told him bluntly. “You’ll never find anyone like him because he was unique. If you want this to work, you need to move on.”

  “Fine advice.” Luke gave her a look that left her in no doubt as to his meaning and she winced. She knew she had to move on to make it work.

  “I know.” She sighed. “I’ll fix this somehow. I promise.”

  They talked about other things until Jax appeared in the doorway and Luke and Keys both fell silent.

  “Hey.” Noelle forced herself to smile, despite the fact that her heart was thumping wildly in her chest.

  “Hey.” He looked exhausted, but he smiled back.

  “We’ll give you two some time to talk.” Luke nudged Keys and they got up. “We’ll bring you back some coffee if the nurses say it’s okay.” He leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Glad you’re back, Doll.”

  “Me too.” Her chest felt tight with emotion as she watched them leave, exchanging a few quiet words with Jax on the way out of the door.

  “How are you feeling?” He asked when he finally stepped into the room and she swallowed.

  “Ashamed mostly. And sorry.”

  “I’m so fucking angry with you right now.” He was shaking as he sat down, with the sheer effort of keeping his emotions in check.

  “I don’t blame you. I’m pretty angry with myself.” She tried to push herself upright.

  “Here, let me.” He pressed the button to raise the bed and rearranged her pillows. “Better?”

  “Much...thanks.” She picked at the blanket, unable to look at the hurt on his face. “I’m so sorry, Jax. I don’t know what the hell I was doing. I was drunk and that’s no excuse, but it’s the only explanation I have.”

  “I shouldn’t have left you alone.” He sighed. “I knew you were in a bad place, but I trusted Blue to bring you out of it. I should never have gone out with the guys for dinner.”

  “Don’t even think about blaming yourself.” At that, her head jerked up and she stared at him. “This is on me, Jax. It’s all on me. I was the one who got myself worked up and went and got drunk. Don’t you dare feel guilty over my actions.”

  “What were you thinking?” He shook his head, shrinking into the chair. “How could you do that to me?”

  “I don’t know.” She wiped away the tears that were starting to slide down her cheeks. “I don’t remember. The last thing I remember doing was writing the song at your house. I don’t even remember going to Gabriel’s. I don’t remember drinking. I sure as hell don’t remember cutting myself.” She held up her wrists, as though they’d somehow tell her the answer. “I don’t even know what I cut myself with.”

  “A kitchen knife.” He took a shuddering breath. “Luckily you were too drunk to do it properly, or you’d have bled out before Raze got there. We came so close to losing you, Noelle. Your heart stopped twice in the fucking ambulance. I don’t even know what to feel. I’m so angry and so relieved that you’re okay and I love you, but I hate you for making me feel like this.”

  She flinched. “I’m sorry.”

  “Stop telling me you’re sorry!” He yelled, startling them both.

  “Is everything okay in here?” A passing nurse stuck her head in the door and Noelle nodded.

  “We’re fine.”

  The nurse gave her a calculating look and then nodded. “Fine. But please keep the noise down.”

  “Sorry.” Jax had the grace to look ashamed and she smiled at him, leaving them to it.

  “I don’t know what else I can say to make this better.” Noelle turned to him. “Sorry is all I have, Jax. It’s how I feel.”

  For a long moment he stared at her and then he sighed, dry scrubbing his face and ruffling his hands through his hair so that it stuck up. “I can’t do this any more, Noelle.” Getting up, he moved to stand at the
window. “I’m not strong enough to watch you self-destruct in the same way that Gabe did. I can’t bear to lose you that way.”

  “You won’t.” Icy fear slithered through her belly at his words. “I swear to you, Jax. I won’t ever do it again. I won’t even drink again if you want to make that a condition.”

  “It wasn’t just this.” He leaned against the cool glass, the sunshine from outside surrounding him like a halo. “What are we doing here, Noelle? I don’t know where the hell I stand with you. I promised myself I would wait for you, but what am I waiting for? And how long should I wait before I give up?”

  “I don’t know.” Her heart was racing and her blood was rushing in her ears. “What are you saying, Jax?”

  “I’m saying that this ends here. I know you’re in a bad place and I know that I can’t fix you. I know that you love me, and God knows I love you. But in the same way that you need to stop letting life run away with you, so do I. I can’t take any more uncertainty.” Turning towards her, he reached into his jacket pocket and took out a small jewellery box. “I can’t play by your rules any more, Noelle. You’ll break me too.” Setting the box on the table by the bed, he leaned down and kissed her forehead. “You have a month to decide.”

  Without letting her say anything, he walked out of the room and left her alone. With shaking hands, she picked up the box and cracked it open. Inside was a stunning diamond solitaire engagement ring. He’d made her an ultimatum – if she was going to make him wait, she had to give him her all. Snapping the box shut, she turned her face into the pillow and wept.

  ***

  “Noelle?” The nurse was gently shaking her. “You have a visitor.”

  “I’m awake.” She mumbled, turning over and scrubbing her eyes to see who it was. “Cal? What are you doing here?” She glanced outside to see that the sun was going down. It had to be evening, meaning she’d slept most of the afternoon after crying herself into jagged exhaustion once Jax had left.

  “How are you feeling?” The Master moved one of the chairs around so he could face her. He wasn’t wearing his usual three piece suit, but he was looking very dapper in a finely tailored business suit.