Needing You

by Becca Siller

  “Listen, Wyatt, I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t think you know how to love me. I need a man who thinks I’m enough, and you haven’t given me that. I think you need some professional help with your commitment issues. I’m sorry things worked out this way.” Charlie’s voice goes hoarse for a moment and I know she’s trying to keep herself from crying. “I’m sorry, Wyatt, goodbye.”

  I sit there staring at the phone in my hand before throwing it into the cushion of the couch. I grab the bottle next to me and take another long pull from it. Rubbing my chest from the agonizing pain shooting through it, I lean back against my chair. She thinks I don’t know how to love her? What the fuck is that? I’ve given her everything I have. She knows me better than anyone else.

  All of a sudden my door flies open to reveal a very angry Miles standing there. His loud entrance wakes the two naked girls in the back room. He swings his eyes in their direction, and glowers at me. “Really? You’re calling all our friends trying to talk to Charlie to tell her you miss her but you have them here. What the fuck is wrong with you, Wyatt?” The disapproval and disappointment in Miles’ tone are undeniable.

  “Fuck off!” I roar.

  Miles turns, striding to the back of my trailer. He says a few things to the girls back there. A moment later they’re swiftly making an exit without a second glance at me. Then Miles is right in front of me. He grasps the front of my shirt, picking me up off my chair, not an easy feat since I outweigh him by at least twenty pounds. “You and I are about to have a come to Jesus talk, brother.”

  “Get the fuck off me, Miles!” I snarl, struggling but clearly no match for Miles in my current state.

  “Aside from the fact that your behavior is embarrassing to witness, you’re putting my family’s plans in jeopardy with your self-destructive ways. If we have to delay filming any further, Riley is going to call the whole damn thing off. I love that girl and I won’t let you endanger that. Now,” he drops me back into the chair, and I can’t do anything but sit and glare at him, “as for Charlie. If you have any prayer of getting her back, then you need to seriously work on yourself, my man.”

  “I’m not in the mood for a motivational speech right now, Miles. The fact you think I’d be anything but professional hurts me. I wouldn’t do that to either one of us. I don’t know what I’m doing that’s so appalling either,” I state defensively.

  Miles arches a brow and points to the now vacant bedroom. I shrug, reaching for the bottle of rum I’ve been drinking. Miles grabs it and smashes the bottle in the sink. The loud crash makes me wince. “I’m not going to lecture you tonight. I’m just going to get you sober so tomorrow we can get you the help you need. I love you like a brother, Wyatt, and it kills me to see you this badly fucked up. I’ve always accepted you for the way you were, but when I saw the way you looked at Charlie. The way you were destroyed when she walked out…I knew you were just a shell before her. That shell is badly broken right now, but the women and booze are nothing more than tape.”

  I start to tear up, Miles’ harsh description of what I’m feeling right now cutting me deeply. I’ve fucked it all up and there’s no coming back from this. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.” My body shakes with hard sobs.

  “Wyatt, I’m here for you, man. We’re going to figure this out, ok?” Miles crouches in front of me, hugging me hard.

  Charlie

  When we pull up to the house Riley hops out, then turns to me expectantly. “Are you coming?” she asks, annoyed. Why she’s annoyed I have no idea. Maybe the tension in the car is too much for her to handle. I shake my head, holding one finger up for her to give me a minute. Reluctantly she turns and heads to the front door, pulling her phone from her purse.

  Ian is sitting perfectly still next to me, silently running his thumb against his bottom lip. I wait to see if he wants to be the one to break the silence. He opens his mouth once, but then shakes his head.

  “Ian, I needed to tell him how I felt. I’m sorry I ruined the night,” I hang my head, staring down at my fingers.

  “I’m not mad at you, beautiful. I’m a little stunned you let him down so completely. You love him, why would you shut that door like that?” Ian looks at me earnestly.

  “I do love him and probably will for a long time but I don’t think it should hurt to love someone. Wyatt can’t help but hurt me right now. I’ve talked to Dr. Iverson a lot about it lately. He and I agree Wyatt is just too unpredictable for me right now. I can’t foresee the future, maybe one day he’ll be the man I know he can be. Until then I can’t be collateral damage. I hope you don’t take offense to that,” I look up to see him watching me with kindness in his eyes.

  “You never cease to amaze me, you know that,” Ian smiles, making me feel warm inside.

  “You aren’t upset by that?”

  “I don’t think I could be if I wanted to. I’m pissed at the way he was talking to you, and that he upset you, but I told you before, I enjoy spending time with you. I also understand why Wyatt would be pissed. I’m with you and he’s not. You’re an amazing girl. I like you a lot and maybe this will go somewhere, maybe it won’t. Like you said, I can’t foresee the future. For now, I like where we are.” He shrugs slightly.

  “What about sleeping over, is that going beyond where we are right now?” I ask, one corner of my mouth lifting into a half smile.

  “I love sleeping next to you, so of course I want you to stay over. It’s been a long time since I got to sleep next to you. Maybe you should tell Riley before she freezes to death.” I lean over to kiss him, sliding my fingers around the back of his neck, pulling him in for a deeper kiss.

  “Let me grab my bag, don’t move.” I slide out of the car to explain the situation to Riley as we walk into the house.

  “Is that such a good idea?” she asks warily.

  “Riley, I’m fine, I promise. Please stop worrying so much.” I give her a big hug as I leave the house. Deputy sits by the door looking so forlorn. I reach down to pat his big soft head. I hate leaving him overnight, so I ask Scott or Sky to let him sleep with one of them. Sky says he will because Olivia is passed out and deserves to wake up with his slobbering face next to hers. I laugh and wave as I head back out to the car. I pause for a moment remembering the night’s events. Olivia is Julian’s ex-girlfriend, how did I miss that? And why was it never brought to my attention before? All questions I want answers to but am too nervous about tonight to dwell on them.

  Ian’s house isn’t what I was expecting at all. It’s a small two-bedroom townhouse with a huge yard. The inside is cozy and inviting, leather furniture and of course, a huge TV. The kitchen is newly remodeled and is painted a deep navy with dark brown cabinets and stark white tile. The contrast is amazing. Even though it’s dark outside he shows me his flower garden. It’s spectacular. There are so many different varieties and colors. He has them spaced and grouped to complement the yard perfectly. I’m astounded as he leads me along the gravel paths in-between beds. They’re all illuminated by semi-bright lights standing tall along the way.

  “Ian, I don’t have words to describe this,” I gesture to the beauty surrounding me.

  He looks a little shy. “You should see it in the daylight. My mom loved flowers. They make me feel close to her again. I miss her a lot sometimes.” Ian’s lost expression makes me hurt for him.

  I really miss my parents but not like he does. We were close but I felt so abandoned by them even though it wasn’t their fault. Then I was eaten with guilt because I was so shitty to my mom the day she died. “I miss my parents, too. I guess that’s why I got the tattoos. When I look at the flower or bird I think of them.” Mostly the way they were before they chose politics and dinner parties, I think to myself.

  “Let’s go inside, it’s getting pretty cold. I’ll show you the rest of the house.” Ian takes my elbow and leads me back into the house.

  He takes me on a brief tour ending in his bedroom upstairs. Everything in his house is decorat
ed with the intent to make you feel welcome. I love the ducky décor of the main bathroom, so not manly. His room is a lot like mine, but features a huge king-size sleigh bed with lush bedding and pillows. Everything is in warm browns and blues, a lot like the kitchen. I feel slightly shy suddenly but realize Ian’s already seen me not only naked but at my worst. I excuse myself to change out of my club clothes. His bathroom is roomy and very tidy. I struggle with my decision for a long moment before shoving my apprehension aside, and decide to just go for it. I brush my teeth and hair, rummage through my bag and grab the sexy silk bra and panties I brought for this occasion.

  Trying to put my best seductive swagger on, I open the door to the bathroom. Ian is standing at the foot of his bed wearing only his jeans, like he stopped halfway through changing. I see the TV has caught his attention. I wait for a moment studying him, his sexy lean muscles and beautiful tanned skin. My mouth dries up as I begin to get aroused. Maybe I can actually go through with this.

  Finally I decide to clear my throat. Ian looks up and freezes. I see him swallow hard, his eyes dropping down my body and then back up. When he gets to my chest I cover the biggest of the scars but he gives his head a quick shake. I drop my hands behind my back and bite my bottom lip. Ian is so still I start to panic. Maybe I’m trying to push this faster than he wants. I never thought about what he wants. Then our eyes lock and I know I didn’t make a mistake. The look in his eyes is undeniable desire. I pull out a foil condom packet that I had tucked into the band of my panties, and hold it up for him to see.

  His sharp intake of air is so loud in the quiet room. I hadn’t noticed he turned the TV off. “I thought maybe we could…” I trail off, looking pointedly at the condom. The growl Ian lets out is primal, giving me chill bumps. He crooks his finger at me so I slowly take the few steps to him.

  “Are you sure this is what you want? After what happened earlier?” Ian asks but doesn’t stop himself from palming my breast, rubbing my nipple with his thumb.

  “I’d decided earlier that I wanted this. I’ve been anxiously waiting for you all day.” I slide my hands up his chest and around his neck. “Are you sure you want to?”

  “Fuck, yeah!” he says loudly, then clears his throat. “Sorry, yes, definitely.” I laugh, pulling his mouth to mine. Our lips do the rest of the talking. His mouth is minty and cool like he’d been drinking iced water. When he runs it over my heated skin I close my eyes with the pleasure. With one quick swoop Ian lifts me, placing me gently on the bed. He stands back, looking over my body slowly. “I like…this,” he points to my silk undergarments.

  “I thought you might,” I bite down on my lip to stop from laughing at his expression. At this moment it’s just Ian and me in here. I hope it stays that way.

  “But I think I’d like you better naked,” Ian’s deep voice rasps. I look down at his jeans and see the top button is undone and his erection is straining to get free.

  “I will if you take your jeans off,” I say saucily.

  “Beautiful, if I take my pants off, we won’t have time for foreplay.” He starts to crawl up over the top of me. The movement is familiar and I shake my head, clearing the memory of Wyatt. Obviously the bliss of having just the two of us in the moment was short-lived. “What’s wrong?” Ian asks, sounding a little alarmed.

  “Nothing, I want your pants off please,” I say breathlessly, hoping he doesn’t sense my hesitation.

  “Ok, but I warned you.” As he stands to shuck his jeans I realize it isn’t all about what Tony did to me that has me worried about being with another man, it was Wyatt. The lost trust is more damaging than the brutal violation. I grit my teeth to stop my thoughts from wandering tonight. Ian slides back on the bed, kissing and licking my knees and thighs. I toss my head back when he grazes the sensitive skin by my hip with his teeth.

  “Touch me, Ian,” I tell him, running one hand all over his body while I hold myself up by the other elbow. He releases the front clasp of my bra, watching as it springs open and my breasts bounce slightly from the sudden release. Ian moans, then runs his open mouth over the taut peaks. He slides one hand down under my panties, making me whimper with need. “Oh, Ian, please,” I beg.

  “Where’s the condom?” he asks, pulling my panties off, then removing his boxers. I hand him the packet, watching him as he opens it and slides it over his hard cock, stroking himself a few times. I lick my lips even though my mouth is completely dry. Ian gazes at me with his blue eyes looking more like a stormy gray now.

  “You’re beautiful, Ian,” I whisper. He cracks a small smile.

  “I think that’s my line.” Before I can say anything, he covers me with his body, kissing me deeply, making love to my mouth with his. His hand guides his erection but he stops before he penetrates me. “You sure you’re ready?” he asks again. I groan, pressing my hips up, forcing the tip of him inside me. Ian stills, cursing me for a moment before pushing inside me completely.

  Ian strokes me inside with long erotic precision. It’s good, really good, but then something happens. As if a wall slams down in my mind, blocking out all of the pleasure. The pain of the last few months comes crashing into me. Oh God, no, I protest mentally. A maelstrom of images and memories starts to wash over me. First, the beautiful memories of being in Wyatt’s arms, his hot mouth on my body and how he swivels his hips just the right way. My insides clench at the memories.

  “Hell,” Ian exclaims, then the leash that was holding him back snaps. He grasps my ass with one hand and holds the headboard with the other. He slams his hips forward, gripping me tightly. His muscles ripple and bulge from the strain. The memory in my mind changes; instead of Wyatt making love to me, he’s with a redheaded woman, then a brunette. Ian is completely unaware of the changes in me. He flips me over, taking me from behind, rubbing me deftly trying to make me climax. He isn’t hurting me at all even though he’s being a little rough. The memory changes again to one of Tony slamming his body into mine brutally over and over. That image starts to make my skin crawl and my stomach roil. The panic is so tight in my throat I struggle to breathe. My vision is blurred from the tears streaming down my face.

  I need to end this. I hate that I have to do this to Ian because I really do like him. I remember back to when I would fake a climax with Tony. I tighten my inner muscles in a throbbing rhythm. “Ian!” I cry out, then collapse onto the bed. He rolls me back over, stretching out on top of me. Once back inside me, he finally notices the tears in my eyes. He stops and pulls out abruptly, making me wince.

  “Charlie? What’s wrong? Was I too rough?” his face turns white with regret and hurt. I shove him off of me and run to the bathroom, heaving into the toilet until there’s nothing left. Ian comes in, dressed in flannel pajama pants, to kneel next to my shaking body. I’m still naked, curled around the toilet, sobbing quietly. “God, Charlie…I…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you weren’t enjoying it. Hell, I thought you came. I feel like a complete dick.” Ian’s disgust with himself is palpable but I can’t comfort him right now.

  I don’t understand what happened. When Wyatt and I had sex I didn’t panic like this. I had a few moments, but I knew it was Wyatt. Not in my mind but my heart and soul knew. I need to talk to Dr. Iverson about this reaction. But right now I need to make things better with Ian. It isn’t his fault I’m so fucked up. And that’s exactly what I decide to tell him once I can bring myself to speak again.

  The next morning I open my eyes to find Ian’s side of the bed empty and a drizzling cold dark sky outside the bedroom window. Fitting considering my dark mood. I still don’t understand my inability to become intimate with Ian even though my mind wants to. I feel as though my soul’s been torn out. The sex would have been good, too. I’m sure of it. Ian’s an amazing lover. Despite my internal struggles, my body reacted to his touch. My thoughts are interrupted by the smell of coffee and the squeak of the door. I look up to see Ian wearing only flannel pajama pants, holding two steaming cups of coffee, and he’s wincing from
the loud squeak. Our eyes lock when he takes another step forward. “Did I wake you?”

  “No, I was up. You brought me coffee?” I ask hopefully.

  His smile is dazzling and I hate myself more for not being able to care about this man the way I should. He should hate me after last night but he doesn’t. He looks at me with the same adoration as always. “Of course. I know how much my girl needs her coffee in the morning.” He hands me the cup. I inhale the steam deeply, trying to infuse the caffeine directly into my senses. I need all the strength I can get today. For some reason I have a bad feeling about today. “So…how are you feeling?” he asks hesitantly.

  “I’m ok…” I pause, not sure if I should say what’s on my mind. “Ian, I’m really sorry about last night. I know I was terrible. I guess I’m not as ready as I thought I was.” An emotion I can’t recognize crosses Ian’s features so quickly I can’t identify it. “I’ll work on it, I promise. I want to be good for you.” I’m not sure why I said that. I have no intention of being that girl again. Ian doesn’t expect anything from me so I don’t know why I feel like I need to prove anything to anyone.

  “Stop right there. You’re good, and you’re good for me, Charlie. Last night was just a minor setback. I have no doubt we’ll have those. I just want to make sure you’re ok?” he asks. I nod my head. He shifts to place his cup on the side table and I notice a huge scar on his back just below his shoulder blade. I don’t know how I never noticed it before. I reach out my fingers and brush them lightly against the tissue that feels so similar to my own that I shudder. “Don’t!” he barks. I stiffen in response to his harsh tone.

  “That’s from…” I trail off from the look he’s giving me. “Ian?” I watch as his features close down into a rock-solid façade. I can tell he’s battling his demons, forcing them back into their box. I know because I struggle with that daily.

  “Maybe one day I’ll tell you, but not now. I was young and dumb. Let’s leave it at that, ok…”