Desire

by Simone Sowood

  “Nothing concrete, he said he thought my talents were wasted in reporting.” Just saying it out loud made me proud.

  “I’d be all over it. Take the job offer tomorrow,” Jenny said.

  “Or is this another of your silly hang-ups?” Sam said.

  “It’s another of her hang-ups.”

  “Why doesn’t she get that using contacts to get a job is normal? It’s just networking.”

  “I don’t know. I never would have got into marketing without help from my dad’s friend.”

  “Why are you two talking about me like I’m not here?”

  “Because you’re not going to take any notice of what we say anyway, we might as well,” Sam said, mock glaring at me.

  I shook my head. They were so understanding… not.

  After just the one bottle of wine, I was keen to get home and see Jay. More than keen. I hadn’t seen much of him all week and I missed our chats. Plus I worried about how stressed he’d seemed on Monday and wanted to make sure he wasn’t still stressed.

  “It’s been great but I have to get home to my man,” I said, standing up.

  “Sure, go running to him when he’s at your house,” Sam said.

  “You know, it would help if he didn’t live out in the burbs,” I said laughing.

  * * *

  I’d walked a couple of blocks before I remembered my promise to Jay. I didn’t understand why he was so insistent on walking me home. And I’d walked around the streets late at night so many times over so many years on my own that I never thought twice about it.

  “Abbie,” Calvin said, appearing out of the shadows.

  I jumped at my name, and my heart pounded. There was no way to get around him.

  “Why do you keep coming up to me?” I said through my heavy breathing.

  “No reason.” His voice was bitter, taunting.

  “Then leave me alone.” I swept my eyes around the street, pleading for someone to help me, but the area was devoid of people. My body trembled at the realization.

  “You need to be careful about James.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Here, take this.” He held out a small manila envelope. I looked at the envelope, my brow furrowed but my mind blanked.

  “Take it!” Calvin shoved it at me and my reflexes took hold of it. Calvin snickered and walked away.

  I stood motionless, my heart pounding as I tried to comprehend what had just happened.

  Some part of my brain kicked my ass into gear, and I crammed the envelope into my Burberry jacket pocket and half jogged home.

  * * *

  “Why didn’t you call me?” Jay said the second I opened my condo door. I’d never heard him sound so angry before. Normally he didn’t exhibit emotions. But this was raw. Serious.

  “I’m sorry, I forgot.” He walked over to me, his eyes boring into my core.

  “That’s not good enough. You can’t forget.” My heartbeat, still rapid from Calvin, crashed against my ribcage.

  I pursed my lips and bit them together with my teeth, trying to stop my chin from quivering. I was so on edge that my emotions struggled to grasp what was happening.

  I’d left the bar, eager to rush home to his embrace a mere fifteen minutes ago. And now I stood here a wreck.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  Jay smoothed my hair over the top of my head and pulled me into him.

  “It’s fine. I worry about you. I need to know you are safe. I will start coming out with you, so you don’t forget again.”

  He led me to the sofa and flicked an old movie on, Bullitt. I’d always liked Steve McQueen, even though the man holding me on the sofa was hotter.

  * * *

  We spent the weekend at his house, not doing much other than eating, watching movies and having sex. And going for a couple of swims in his basement. Naked swims.

  Sunday night we went back to my little condo. The difference in the two places became more glaring each time I went between them. What must he think about staying at my teeny tiny home?

  But he stayed here. He insisted.

  * * *

  Ugh. Every time I went into my new job, I found something else that was screwed up about the place. It was a dysfunctional company, to say the least.

  At least I liked my boss, Laurie. And I was getting to grips with my staff, though I wasn’t yet in a position to guide them because I was still trying to figure out how all the reporting at the company fit together.

  Chapter 14

  On Wednesday, I entered the office and took off my Burberry jacket. As I laid it over my arm, the manila envelope fell out of my pocket.

  I’d forgotten all about it after the reaction Jay greeted me at the door with. I picked it up off the floor and hung up my coat.

  Should I open it? Or toss it? I wasn’t sure. I sat at my desk and uncrumpled it. There was nothing remarkable about it. No writing on it, no label. Just a little envelope. When I smoothed it flat with my hands, I could feel the outline of a piece of paper inside.

  What was Calvin up to? Why did he keep coming up to me? It’s fricking Chicago, a big city — I shouldn’t ‘accidentally’ bump into him in. Let alone at night.

  On second thought, I didn’t even care. I chucked the envelope into the trash can.

  I pulled my chair to my desk and resumed my mission of making sense of the reports. But I was having trouble focusing. I pulled the envelope out of the trash and put it in my purse.

  At lunch I sat at my desk eating a sandwich, looking through yet more messed-up reports. Every second seemed to reveal more issues in this company’s reporting.

  What were all these people doing before I got here? I mean, it wasn’t that hard to pull out important information from company reports, but they’d managed to screw it up on an epic scale. I laughed to myself, even Calvin could have done a better job.

  Calvin. The thought reminded me of the envelope. Fuck it.

  I took the envelope out of my purse and before I’d had the chance to second guess myself, I ripped it open.

  A piece of paper was folded and folded some more. I unfolded it, my heart getting faster with each motion. I unfolded the last fold, finally revealing the message. It was a printout of a news article from a website.

  Force McAllister completes stealth takeover of CQ Francis

  I read the headline over and over but never managed to read the actual article. The air was knocked out of me. My stomach churned. Even my face hurt.

  I took my phone out.

  You fucking asshole

  Why did I trust him again? I crammed my phone back in my bag, picked my things up and left work, my half-eaten sandwich still on my desk. My phone bleeped but I ignored it.

  I opened my condo door and collapsed on my bed in my jacket and with my purse strap still over my shoulder. I didn’t even cry. Couldn’t cry. My mind was too busy trying to comprehend the headline.

  And why did Calvin have it? Why did he give it to me? What the fuck was going on? My phone bleeped again and I pulled it out.

  What’s going on? J

  What is going on, Jay? Wouldn’t I like to know.

  Fuck you

  I hit send and broke down. Heaving great sobs that shuddered all the way to my toes. Why? What? Why? It was all my brain could think. Nothing more. I couldn’t even think of the information I knew, let alone try to piece together what I didn’t know.

  * * *

  The key rattled in the lock and the front door flung open, bouncing off the door stop. It slammed shut and Jay appeared at my bedroom doorway.

  “Get out of my home.” My voice weak with emotional exhaustion.

  “What happened? What’s going on?”

  “Fuck you, liar.” Tears flowed down my face.

  “Abbie, beautiful, tell me what’s going on.” Jay leaned over the bed and tried to pull me off it, but I resisted with every bit of strength I still had. Even though I resisted, wherever his hands touched me, my body re
laxed.

  “Leave, James. Leave me alone.”

  He put his hands around my torso and yanked me off the bed like a rag doll. He pulled me close to him, squeezing me so hard it was difficult to breathe.

  “Tell me what is going on,” he said, his voice firm. Demanding.

  What should I tell him?

  “You bought CQ Francis.” My voice was barely audible, even to me.

  He exhaled and held me tighter still.

  “I buy lots of companies.”

  “But why did you buy CQ Francis?” I hoped it was a coincidence, but I knew better.

  “What did you want me to do? I wasn’t about to let you leave Force McAllister without another job to go to.”

  The words drew a deep, bellowing wail from the pit of my stomach. His grip loosened, transformed into a loving embrace while I cried against his chest. He rubbed my back, comforting me.

  I was so comfortable in his arms, so soothed by him that I almost forgot he was my problem. But for now I needed his embrace to keep me from falling apart completely.

  He led me to the sofa and sat me down. He perched on the coffee table, facing me and took hold of my hands. We were both leaning forward, and our heads nearly touched.

  My mind was still too overloaded to make any sense of the situation.

  “Why did you lie to me?”

  “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “Okay, then. Why didn’t you tell me that you bought CQ Francis?”

  “I buy a lot of companies, and I don’t tell you about them.”

  “But…”

  “But nothing, beautiful. I bought the company you happen to work for.”

  I took a breath, trying to sort out my thoughts. He didn’t move, hadn’t flinched once. I couldn’t read him, but he didn’t seem to feel any guilt at what he’d done.

  “Did you buy them before or after they hired me?” I bit my lip, afraid of the answer.

  Jay sighed.

  “Before.”

  “And you made them hire me.”

  “Yes.”

  “No, no,” I shook my head. “You lied to me. I can’t. You have to leave. I don’t want to see you again.”

  “No.” Any softness was gone from his voice.

  “I can’t be with someone who lies.”

  “I didn’t lie. I bought a shitty, badly run company for you.”

  The words stung all over again.

  “James, go. This is over.”

  He let go of my hands and tilted my face to his, our heads inches apart. His eyes bore into mine with an intensity I hadn’t seen before. I gulped, struggling to meet his stare, willing my eyes not to close.

  “I will not lose you for this. I will not let you go.”

  “It’s not your decision.”

  “I need you too much. I’ll do whatever, make you the CEO if you want, but I’m not losing you. I love you.”

  I drank in his words. Let them comfort me even though I knew I couldn’t accept them.

  “I don’t want to be CEO. I want to be taken seriously.”

  “You are. Do you really think I’d want you in these positions in my companies if I didn’t think you could do them? I know you can do more, you would thrive in more challenging roles. You’re amazing, beautiful. You are more capable than most of my top advisers.”

  “But I can’t get a job. No one will hire me because they think I fuck my way into roles.”

  “No, Abbie, that’s not true.”

  “Yes, it is. I can’t get a job. No one wants me. No one thinks I’m any good.”

  He cupped the back of my head and pulled it to him, his lips grazed my ear, tickling it. His voice quiet, “I put word out not to hire you.”

  My body buckled in half, my head landing on his shoulder. How? Why?

  “I hate you.”

  “No, no, Abbie. You can’t.” His eyes searched me.

  “I do,” I said, sitting up straight.

  “Beautiful, it’s all okay. Everything is okay.”

  “No, James. It isn’t okay. How can you think that?”

  “I know you’re being treated well. I needed to know you’d never have another boss like Calvin. And now you won’t. Isn’t that good?”

  I flung myself away from him and into the sofa, my hands flying away from his grasp.

  “It is not good. You have ruined my ability to support myself.”

  He placed his hands on my knees and slid them up my thighs. I tried to ignore the soothing feelings they were creating.

  “Beautiful, you don’t need to support yourself ever again. I will take care of you. I will do everything in my power to give you the best life possible.”

  Unbelievable.

  “But I want to support myself. I need to support myself. The last thing I need in my life is to be dependent on someone else.”

  “Well, now you don’t have to. I will take care of you. Always.”

  “If you think that then you don’t know anything about me. You don’t understand who I am.”

  “I do, beautiful, I understand you more than you understand yourself. Your parents dying when you were so young traumatized you, but you need to let that wound heal. Stop fighting it.”

  My heart froze. He knew. He understood. Matt never had. Or if he had, he used it to take advantage of me. But Jay, Jay understood me. Even more than Jenny even.

  I looked at him and met his gaze. There was nothing but warmth in his eyes. My heart started pounding again, like it was trying to break out of my ribs to get to him.

  I started to lean forward, to enter his embrace, but the image of the headline appeared in front of my eyes. Stealth takeover. I couldn’t do it, however much my heart wanted to.

  “James. I can’t do this.” As fast as I could, I pulled my legs up and pushed myself over the side of the sofa’s arm and bolted out the door. I didn’t wait for the elevator, instead ran as fast as I could in heels down the stairs, out the door and kept on moving.

  Chapter 15

  Breathless, I arrived at Jenny’s office twenty minutes later. I waited for her, pacing the reception area.

  Jenny appeared and hurried over to me.

  “What’s going on?”

  I couldn’t find a way to respond. The second I opened my mouth I would break down again, and I didn’t want to do that on display, with the receptionists and passersby watching.

  “Here, come with me.”

  I followed her into a meeting room and she closed the door. The walls were glass but a frosted pattern obscured much of me from the outside world.

  Jenny sat in the chair next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. The weight of her arm comforted me, bringing out tears, but I still couldn’t find a way to tell her.

  “What’s happened? Is this to do with Jay?”

  I nodded. Jay. James.

  “Did you fight?”

  Did we? It wasn’t so much a fight as an exposure of his lies. I shrugged.

  “Sweetie, you’re going to have to tell me what’s going on.”

  I took a deep breath and let the words fall out on the exhale.

  “He bought CQ Francis. That’s why they hired me.”

  Jenny pulled away from me, a look of surprise on her face.

  No, I didn’t see it coming either, Jenny. Neither of us said anything, the only noise in the room my crying. I hadn’t taken anything with me when I’d fled my condo. Not even my phone or keys. She set a Kleenex box on my lap.

  The door opened and a man poked his head in. “Jenny, we really need you in this meeting.”

  “I’ll be there in a minute.” The man left. She turned to me and said, “I think he was just trying to help you.” How could she say that?

  “No. He told other places not to hire me. Don’t you get it? He’s made it so no one will ever hire me! Ever!”

  Her eyes flared but she didn’t say anything. My crying calmed. My chest muscles were fatigued from all the tears and I leaned back in the chair.

  “I don’t thi
nk he could do that.”

  “He would.”

  “No, sweetie I mean, how would he have the ability to do that? I don’t care how much money or influence he has, he can’t make other companies not hire you. Like every other company in Chicago? I don’t believe it.”

  “But that’s what he said.”

  “I don’t care what he said. Think about it. There’s no way.”

  Was she right? I closed my eyes and mulled it over. Jay told me he told other companies not to hire me. Why would he say that if it wasn’t true? And if it was true, why would he do that to me?

  “He said he wanted to make sure I was treated well. That I never have another boss like Calvin.”

  Jenny shook her head. “I don’t care. There are thousands of companies in Chicago. There’s just no way. He lied.”

  “So why would he say that?”

  “I don’t know. What were you talking about right before it? Maybe he thought it would make you feel better. Who knows?”

  “I don’t care. He still bought CQ Francis. That’s the only reason I got a job. Because of him.”

  “So you’d rather you never got another job?”

  Why was she taking his side?

  The man reappeared. “Jenny, this is a crisis situation.”

  “Sorry, Dan. I’ll be quick.”

  “He could have told me. Instead of doing some kind of secret takeover.”

  “Would you have taken it if you’d known?”

  “That’s not what matters. He kept a secret from me.”

  “Sweetie, I know it’s crazy news but I honestly think he was only trying to help you. He owed you anyway.”

  A woman appeared at the door and said, “Jenny, Dan’s freaking out.”

  “I know, just give me a minute would you?”

  “I’m sorry for interrupting your work.” I dried my eyes and blew my nose.

  “It’s just a bad day. We’re putting out a new print ad campaign and we think the numbers given to us are messed up.”

  “Is there anything I can do to help?”