The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  ‘You never mean anything, do you?’ Akriti pulled back from him forcefully and bent down to grab her dress. Covering herself with it, she said, ‘Why do you have to be like this? What is wrong with you, Sid? Why do you have to complicate everything? I planned this special night for us. I wanted everything between us to be perfect – from the white rose to this lingerie. I thought tonight was going to be amazing—’

  ‘And it is!’ Siddhant said desperately. ‘I only said that I was surprised, that’s all!’

  Akriti went on as if he hadn’t spoken at all. ‘Look at me!’ She threw away the dress she was holding up against her body and demanded. ‘Do you know what it takes for a girl to bare herself in front of someone like this? I only did it because I love you!’

  Siddhant picked up her dress from the floor and handed it to her. He spoke hurriedly. ‘Akriti, please try to understand. I do appreciate everything, really—’

  ‘No, you don’t! I do all of this for you, go out of my way to please you …’ Akriti snatched her dress from him and cried, ‘And what do you do? Make me feel like … like some common whore!’

  ‘What? No! What are you …?’ Siddhant had no words. Flabbergasted, he stood there as she got her stuff together and stormed out of his room. He followed her, pleading, ‘I’m so sorry if I made you feel … Akriti, please listen to me …’

  Akriti grabbed her handbag and keys, her back turned to Siddhant. ‘Don’t even bother.’

  ‘Please, no – you’re misunderstanding me …’ He tried to take her hand, but she jerked it away.

  ‘Let me go! I don’t want to be here anymore.’

  ‘You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to, but at least let me drive you. You’ve had wine …’

  ‘Oh, grow up! I had one glass, maybe two. Don’t start pretending to care about me now!’ Akriti snapped, and before he could say another word, she left.

  A few minutes later when Priyesh tiptoed out of his bedroom, Siddhant was still frozen to the spot where Akriti had left him. He looked at Priyesh, whose expression clearly gave away that he’d heard something.

  ‘What did you do?’ Priyesh asked.

  ‘I … really don’t know.’

  Priyesh nodded thoughtfully. ‘Did you ask her?’

  ‘She seemed to know, but it didn’t make sense to me.’ Siddhant shook his head, hoping something would rattle inside, help him make sense of the tornado that just hit his relationship.

  ‘She sounded really pissed,’ Priyesh observed.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Even slammed the door and everything.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What are you gonna do?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Ooh, is there food?’ Priyesh asked, sniffing.

  ‘Have at it,’ Siddhant waved towards the leftovers and walked to his bedroom in a daze, his brain working overtime to process this new plot twist.

  Chapter 9

  The next morning when Siddhant went to work, it was with a plan to be proactive about the situation with Akriti. He wasn’t going to let this go on for days or weeks this time. He would find her and apologize for the way things had unravelled the night before. He was unsure as to what had happened, and what his part was in it all, but he knew that he’d hurt her and owed her an apology.

  Unfortunately, by the time he located her, she had already started rounds. Soon after, he was pulled into his own work, and didn’t come up for air until later in the evening. When he found out from Prachi that Akriti had already left work, he headed over to her place as soon as he was done for the day.

  Akriti opened the door with a stoic expression on her face. She moved aside to let him in, but she didn’t actually look at him. Even after she’d shut the door behind her, she didn’t move. Her gaze was fixed on the rug on her living room floor.

  ‘Are you okay …?’ Siddhant asked, trying to meet her eyes.

  Akriti shrugged, still refusing to look up.

  ‘Akriti, I need to say something to you,’ Siddhant began. Although she showed no signs of having heard him, he continued, ‘I know I messed up. And I’m so sorry about that. The way things went down last night … I regret it. It took me a minute to realize what was happening. I was surprised – but in a good way. In a very good way, in fact! I never meant to imply anything else, or make you feel bad, or … cheap. I know how much courage it took for you to be so vulnerable in front of me. I’m so sorry that I didn’t have the right words last night, and that I ended up hurting you. But you have to know how much I regret it. And I promise I will be more sensitive from now and watch the stupid words that come out of my mouth.’

  He paused, trying to figure out her reaction. She hadn’t moved or looked up even once.

  ‘So, bottom line, I’m very sorry. I feel terrible about last night and I promise I’ll be better in the future,’ Siddhant said, approaching her.

  He warily tried to hold her hand. And to his surprise, she let him. Emboldened by this small indication, Siddhant hooked his finger under her chin and lifted her face to his. Her eyes were brimming with tears. She looked down, causing the tears in her eyes to escape and flow down her cheeks.

  ‘Hey! Please don’t cry,’ Siddhant said. He put his arms around her and pulled her close to him. Bending down to kiss her head, he muttered in her hair, ‘I’m really, really sorry. I know it was a big deal. We’ve never really done anything physical before … and it was the first time we were making out, and I messed up. I’m so stupid, and so, so sorry. Please don’t cry.’

  Akriti shook her head under his chin.

  ‘I don’t know how to help you,’ Siddhant said helplessly.

  Akriti pulled away from him, placing her palms against his chest. She stood there, holding him at an arm’s length, her body convulsed with sobs.

  ‘Akriti, please …’ Siddhant begged. He hated to think that he had somehow caused her so much pain, and grappled with finding a way to rectify his mistake. ‘What can I do? I was insensitive—’

  ‘No, I don’t care about that,’ Akriti cut him off, shaking her head, her face crumpled.

  ‘You don’t care?’ Siddhant asked, a little hurt. So much for the carefully thought-out monologue he’d practised in front of the mirror that morning. He pushed aside his own hurt feelings and focussed on the situation at hand. ‘What’s going on then? What happened?’ What more could’ve happened between the time she left his place last night and now to make her this upset?

  ‘What do you mean what happened?’ Akriti said, her hands dropping from his chest. ‘You don’t know what’s wrong?’

  ‘I thought you were mad about last night—’

  ‘Oh, get over yourself! Not everything is about you.’

  ‘I didn’t mean that—’

  ‘Did you honestly just forget what happened?’ Akriti cried.

  ‘Is this about—?’

  ‘It has only been a few months since I lost my father! My only real family. Now I have no one. I’m absolutely fucking alone. No one gives a fuck.’ Akriti slid to her knees.

  Siddhant was crouching by her side the next second. ‘You’re not alone. Please don’t think like that. I’m here. You’re never alone,’ he assured her fervently. He had foolishly assumed that she had slowly been getting better and hadn’t seen this coming.

  ‘But I am,’ Akriti whimpered.

  ‘Akriti, please. Don’t say that! You’re so loved and cared for,’ Siddhant said earnestly.

  ‘It doesn’t matter! No one can replace him. He was my father. He raised me, took care of me from the day I was born till the day he died. He taught me everything I know. He was always there for me. No one can take his place!’ Akriti cried, more sobs shaking her body. She was still kneeling on the floor, her face hidden in her hands.

  Siddhant paused for a minute, measuring his words before saying them aloud; nothing he had said to Akriti of late had landed correctly. Even when he had the best intentions, he ended up upsetting her. ‘I know that no one ca
n replace your father. I never meant to imply that—’

  All of a sudden, Akriti sat back on the floor. She sighed loudly, and then wiped her face with both her hands. ‘I know that. I know you didn’t,’ she said finally.

  ‘I just want you to know that you’re not alone. And you’re not unloved or uncared for,’ Siddhant said solemnly.

  ‘Thank you for saying that.’

  ‘I’m not just saying it; I mean it.’

  Akriti reached out and held his hand. There was such sadness in her eyes that Siddhant felt he would give every last thing he possessed just to get her to smile once. He hated to see her so sad, facing something so terrible every day. No matter how many times he told her that she wasn’t alone, the fact was that even though he was by her side, despite his best efforts, he was failing to be much help.

  ‘All I can tell you is that it’ll get better with time. Right now, when you think of your dad, you only think about your loss, the tragedy – that’s the main focus of your thoughts, and rightfully so. It’s still very raw, and I’m sure … I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you.’ Siddhant paused, gathering his thoughts in order to come up with something helpful. ‘But in time, you will be able to think of the good times you spent together, of the love you shared. And until then, I’m here for you. Whatever you need me for, count me in. If I can lessen your pain even by a small fraction, I’ll do anything.’

  ‘Sid, don’t.’ Akriti’s lips were pursed tightly.

  ‘Don’t – what?’

  ‘Don’t be so sweet to me.’

  ‘You can’t stop me,’ Siddhant said stubbornly.

  Akriti let out a laugh in between sobs. ‘You’re going to force your sweetness on me?’

  ‘If you don’t accept it nicely.’

  Akriti laughed again, but then quietened down in the next second. ‘I’m so sorry, for everything.’

  The sincerity in her eyes caught Siddhant off guard. She reminded him of the Akriti from their first date, from before the phone call about her dad, before everything went wrong. That girl didn’t play games. She was honest, direct, no bullshit.

  ‘You have nothing to apologize for,’ Siddhant said.

  ‘I do, and you know that.’

  Siddhant was quiet.

  ‘I know that I’ve been difficult to be around,’ Akriti said. ‘I see what’s happening … when it’s happening. I don’t know how to explain it. When I’m arguing with you, I know what I’m doing, and I don’t want to argue with you, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. I hate myself for it. I hate being like that, picking fights, making a big deal out of nothing … but I can’t stop. I hate being like that, but I can’t seem to help myself.’

  ‘It’s not that bad …’ Siddhant said. ‘I mean sometimes it’s my fault too … I say and do dumb things all the time.’

  ‘You are pretty dumb, yes.’

  ‘Yep.’

  They both nodded seriously, then burst out laughing.

  After a moment, Akriti said, ‘But seriously though, you’ve been so good to me. The best. I feel like an asshole for giving you such a hard time.’

  ‘Stop it! It’s hardly that bad.’ Siddhant couldn’t deny that it felt good to have some of the blame shifted away from him, but given the circumstances, Akriti was allowed to be a little irrational at times.

  ‘Still, I feel bad. And you need to know that you’ve been the best boyfriend. You’re all I have … And though I keep picking fights with you and hurting you and am an unappreciative asshole generally, I really do appreciate you.’

  ‘I appreciate you saying that, but seriously, you have to stop now,’ Siddhant said. ‘After everything you’ve been through, you deserve to be a little unreasonable at times. And if you sometimes need a punch bag to let out your pain and frustration – I’m happy to be that.’

  ‘No!’ Akriti protested. ‘Don’t ever say that! It’s not fair to you. And I don’t want you use you as a punching bag. I love you. And I want to love you and care for you.’

  ‘Not punch me?’

  ‘Never!’

  Siddhant laughed. ‘That’s good to know.’

  Akriti leaned forward and hugged him. They stayed like that for a quiet moment, before she said, ‘Sid, I love you.’

  ‘I love you too,’ Siddhant said. He kissed her cheek before getting to his feet and pulling her up with him. He sat her down on the couch and took out his phone. ‘How does pizza and a movie sound? In my experience, I’ve found that a full stomach and some distraction can be very helpful in providing comfort. Which we both need.’

  ‘That sounds good,’ Akriti said, smiling.

  ‘Great – suddenly our biggest problem at the moment is what toppings to get,’ Siddhant said light-heartedly.

  ‘Pizza solves everything.’

  ‘Agreed.’

  An hour later, they were lying together on the couch, Siddhant’s arm wrapped around Akriti, who was resting with her head on his chest. A couple of slices of leftover pizza sat in the box on the table in front of them, while a movie played on the television. It was the most relaxed they’d been in many many weeks.

  ‘I would like to stay the night,’ Siddhant said casually.

  ‘Really?’ Akriti raised her head and looked at him. ‘That’s a little forward.’

  ‘I have no shame.’

  ‘Clearly.’

  ‘So?’ Siddhant prodded.

  ‘Yeah, okay.’

  ‘I can stay?’

  ‘You can stay.’

  ‘Win,’ Siddhant muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Akriti to hear it.

  Akriti smiled and rested her head back on his chest.

  ‘Hey, not to spoil the mood or anything,’ Siddhant said warily, ‘but there’s something I need to say to you.’

  He felt Akriti stiffen. She pulled away to look at him. ‘Yes?’

  He hesitated for a moment. ‘Do you think you should get some professional help? Talk to someone?’

  ‘Are you saying I’m crazy?’

  Siddhant froze. Had he overstepped?

  But then Akriti relaxed. ‘I’m kidding, Sid. We’re doctors; of course I know how important mental health is.’

  Siddhant relaxed too. ‘I think if you have someone good to talk to, who has experience helping people navigate personal loss, you might really benefit from it.’

  Akriti nodded thoughtfully.

  ‘In any case, there’s nothing to lose, right?’ Siddhant watched her expression closely. He was really concerned about her well-being and wanted to help her, but he could only do that if she took the situation seriously too.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ Akriti promised.

  ‘Good.’

  He kissed her forehead, making her smile. Akriti leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder, facing the television.

  ‘One last thing,’ Siddhant said. ‘When you’re having a hard time, please tell me? I don’t want you to go through it alone. When you miss your dad, and you’re sad, just try to include me. If I don’t know how you’re feeling, I can’t hope to help you, and it kills me. Don’t shut me out, please.’

  In response, Akriti burrowed her face in his shoulder and kissed it.

  Chapter 10

  ‘What’s keeping him?’ Siddhant said to no one in particular.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Akriti said, looking down at her phone.

  They were at the hospital cafeteria, but Prachi was the only one eating. Siddhant’s shift had ended an hour ago and Akriti’s was about to begin. She was keeping Siddhant company while he waited for Priyesh to finish surgery. Siddhant and Priyesh were going to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie with some of their friends from the hospital and Siddhant was worried that if they took any longer, he might fall asleep right there on the cafeteria table.

  ‘What time’s the movie?’ Prachi asked through a mouthful of food. She chewed animatedly, gulped it down and spoke again, ‘Sorry. I can’t operate on an empty stomach. Not with my history of fainti
ng.’

  Siddhant laughed. ‘It’s in thirty minutes. But the first thirty minutes are just trailers, so we technically have an hour.’

  ‘True dat.’ Prachi’s mouth was full again.

  Akriti looked up from her phone. ‘Babe, I’ve gotta go. Meghna just texted. There’s a big emergency neuro case. I have to grab it.’

  ‘Go!’ Siddhant said excitedly. As he watched her gather her stuff in a rush, a part of him wanted to go with her. Complicated surgeries were swiftly becoming his most favourite thing. As he watched Akriti wistfully, his phone buzzed on the table, distracting him.

  When Siddhant looked down at his phone, he did a double take. Maybe he’d read the name wrong. Nope, it really was Maahi’s name, next to the little speech bubble icon. Why was she texting him? As he picked up his phone to look, his mind went completely blank. The world around him fell silent in that moment and the only sound he could hear was a thumping in his ears.

  For reasons Siddhant couldn’t explain, this felt surreal. The short buzz of his phone on the table, her text popping up on his screen – it took him back to when they were together, and had texted each other throughout the day. It was nothing out of the ordinary; it was something they did without thinking, a habit.

  But not anymore. He read her text quickly, without fully taking it in. Something about her bakery and a coffee shop … He tried again, slowly this time. But before he could absorb the message fully, a soft touch on his arm jerked him back to present.

  ‘What?’ he said hastily.

  ‘I said I’ll see you at home,’ Akriti repeated.

  ‘Yes, yes, see you. Good luck with that surgery.’

  Akriti waved and left. He was left alone with Prachi, who was still stuffing her mouth with food, and the message from Maahi. He read it again:

  Hey Siddhant! Nice (and awkward) seeing you the other day. Something cool happened today – we’re doing a collab with Roast House. Our stuff’s going to be sold in 168 stores across India! We’re SO EXCITED. Had to share! – Maahi

  Before he could think about it more, he felt a tap on his shoulder.