The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  ‘Yo!’ Priyesh said. He was accompanied by Deepanshu, another resident at the hospital. ‘How goes it?’

  ‘Hey,’ Siddhant said, getting up. ‘You guys ready to go?’

  ‘Yep, let’s do it,’ Deepanshu said.

  They said bye to Prachi, who was finally close to wrapping up her meal, and headed out of the cafeteria.

  ‘Should we take my car?’ Siddhant asked.

  ‘Works for me,’ Deepanshu said.

  ‘I’ll come with you too,’ Priyesh said. ‘But you’ll have to drive me to work tomorrow.’ When Siddhant nodded, he continued, ‘The movie’s supposed to be really good. I heard Chris Pratt really kills in it.’

  ‘Did you know that Batista plays Drax the Destroyer?’ Deepanshu chipped in.

  ‘Oh yeah, think his real name is David Bautista or something. Or Dave …’

  Siddhant found his attention wandering as he walked to the car with his friends. Should he respond to Maahi? What should he say?

  As far as he could tell, it was a casual text, with no deeper meaning or purpose, but he couldn’t decide how to respond. He was happy for her, about this collaboration. He had seen her build her company from scratch, and work very hard to make it successful, so he wanted to congratulate her on that. But he suspected this was one of those times when the content of the message itself was less important than the actual act of messaging. Given their history, this was less about what she had said, and more about the fact that she had texted him. For a moment, he wondered if he was overthinking it. For all he knew it was just an innocuous text about her work that she probably wanted to share with him because of their conversation a few weeks ago. But then she was his ex-girlfriend, and they hadn’t texted each other since their break-up, so it wasn’t that simple.

  He had never been the kind of person to keep in touch with exes or have a friendly relationship with them post separation. However, he hadn’t had a proper relationship until Maahi. If he didn’t count high-school crushes and inconsequential dates, she was his only real ex. He didn’t think there was anything wrong in texting her back, because they hadn’t ended things on bad terms them; it probably wouldn’t mean anything. But he remembered all too well how Akriti had responded to them randomly bumping into Maahi. He tried to imagine how she would feel or what she would say if she found out that he had texted his ex. There was no scenario he could imagine where this would end favourably for him.

  Unable to make a decision, Siddhant hoped the movie would take his mind off his current predicament, which would also allow him time to figure out how to respond to Maahi. And once the movie started, he did find himself caught up in the action, but Star-Lord could hold his attention for only so long. Half an hour into the movie, he pulled out his phone, turned the screen brightness all the way down, and sent Maahi a text. It didn’t take long, because he’d already gone over the words in his head a dozen times.

  Hey Maahi, Nice (and awkward) seeing you the other day too. Congratulations on the collaboration with Roast House. Sounds like an incredible new opportunity for you guys. – Siddhant

  Having sent the text, Siddhant leaned back in his reclining chair. There. Done. Now he could focus on the movie. However, during intermission, while they waited in line to get popcorn, Siddhant found another text from Maahi waiting for him on his phone.

  I know who you are! You don’t have to sign your name at the bottom!

  He couldn’t help the grin that appeared on his face as he read the message. He’d thought it was funny and weird that Maahi had said ‘– Maahi’ at the end of her text, and had therefore given her a taste of her own medicine. He texted her back before returning to his seat, still smiling to himself.

  Right back at you :)

  The rest of the evening was uneventful, apart from the events taking place on the big screen. He hadn’t seen the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie, but even without having seen the first one, he found Vol. 2 to be very entertaining. He partook in the burning topics discussed by Priyesh and Deepanshu, who were both big devotees of the Marvel universe.

  Before driving home with Priyesh, Siddhant checked up on Akriti, who was having a slow night at the hospital. He thought of his bed the entire ride home, eager at the prospect of sleep. A funny feeling was warming his chest, something he couldn’t put his finger on, but he felt … gleeful. Nothing outwardly dramatic, just a quiet happiness within.

  Or it could be the absence of sadness. A lack of gloominess, that lifted his spirits. He caught himself checking his phone a couple of times, and then putting it away, a little disappointed, a little guilty.

  Back in his bedroom, he pulled an old T-shirt over his head, his eyes glued to the screen of his phone, which lay face-up on his bed. He was pulling on a pair of sweatpants when the screen lit up. His heart raced, and he hopped to the bed on one leg. Not bothering to finish wearing his pants, he grabbed his phone and swiped it open. There was a message from Maahi.

  Touché.

  His heart beat loudly in his chest, as responses flooded his mind. He tried to pick a way to respond to her one-word text in a way that would keep the conversation going. If he responded with an emoji, it would essentially put a fullstop at this point in the conversation. If he said too much, he’d come across as too eager. Maybe he … He caught himself. This wasn’t a game.

  This was Maahi. The easiest person in the world to talk to. In all the time he’d known her, it was one of the things he admired about her the most. Even when she herself was confused, she was always straightforward and expressed herself honestly. If he wanted to ask her about the collaboration, he could just ask her.

  But before he framed his message, his screen lit up again.

  And thank you! We really are thrilled + terrified!

  Siddhant responded instinctively.

  Terrified? In a good way, I hope?

  Haha, mostly. It’s just that there’s a lot

  at stake now that we’ve actually won it. We thought winning was the hard part,

  but now we have to deliver …

  Oh, come on. You know you’ve got

  this. Clearly, they think so too

  It took persuasion. It was almost like some

  reality TV crap. We had to compete against

  dozens of other bakeries and there were several rounds and all that. Crazy!

  Wow, sounds like a big deal *clapping hands*

  I’d say so *upside down smiling face*

  So, what’s the next step? How soon

  can I get your cupcakes at a Roast

  House near me?

  It’s going to take a while. We need to scale

  WAY up. Not to mention, our products are perishable, which complicates things

  I’m sure they have a structure in place

  to support the scale up. Roast House is huge

  Truth. We only really need to focus on the production part. They’ve got transport,

  storage and distribution down

  And marketing, I’m sure

  That too. Probably one of the biggest plus points

  No kidding. You guys are going to

  blow up *grinning face*

  Yep *nerdy face*

  Siddhant set his phone down for a second, and finished putting his sweatpants on. He wanted to talk to her more. It felt so good to talk about positive things. This was allowed, he reasoned with himself. There was no reason to feel guilty; it wasn’t like they were flirting or anything. They were simply having a conversation. Old friends catching up. End of story.

  Still, his mind wandered to What will Akriti think? But then he convinced himself that it would be fine. Akriti and he were in a better place and he had nothing to hide. If someone was to read through these messages, they would see that it was just a friendly conversation between two people. So then why couldn’t he explain the lightness in his heart? He typed another message before he could stop himself.

  So, how is everything else? How is your family doing?

  Moments later
his phone buzzed.

  Things are good. Maa and Papa are

  proud of me for a change, and not gonna

  lie, it feels great *smiling face with sunglasses*

  I bet! And what’s Sarthak up to now?

  He’s in Mumbai – almost an aeronautical

  engineer now, if you can believe it!

  Good for him. Does he enjoy it?

  Oh yes, it’s all he talks about. He’s having

  the time of his life at that college

  Well, at least someone in your family enjoyed college *face with stuck-out tongue*

  Yeah, yeah. Make fun of me.

  I did okay for myself *smirking face*

  Clearly! I was jk

  I know! But enough about me. How are you?

  I’m okay. Can’t complain

  That doesn’t sound super positive …

  Nah, I’m fine

  Are you sure?

  Yeah. Work’s good. I’m really enjoying it now

  That’s good. Cuz, you know, if you hate

  your job, people will literally die …

  Haha, I’m aware. Thankfully, I love

  my job. It helps that I’m getting good at it

  Oh isn’t that the best? Doing something

  you KNOW you’re good at?

  The best *face with starry eyes*

  I’m so happy for you! How’s Priyesh, and

  your other friend …? I can’t remember her

  name. The one that was lying face-down

  passed-out on your couch when I came over

  to your place for the first time, remember?

  Hahaha, how can I forget? The day the

  three of us played Mario Kart and

  we kicked your butt

  I had never played before!

  Excuses. And they’re both good. Priyesh

  and I still live together, actually

  First of all, I can beat you now. I have

  gained experience playing with Laila and

  her boo JD. And good to hear about

  Priyesh, I always liked him

  First of all, that’s not possible. And

  Priyesh liked you too … especially beating

  you at Mario Kart

  Jerk!

  Haha, I’m only stating the truth

  Yeah, the truth is too much in my

  half-asleep state. God, it’s after 1

  Weird thing, time. Okay, I’ll let you go now

  Okay, well, it was (mostly) nice talking to you

  Yeah, (mostly) good catching up with you too

  Ugh you’re so annoying

  That’s me *grinning face with smiling eyes*

  *face with rolling eyes*

  Okay, I’ll stop

  Thank you *slightly smiling face*

  Good night

  Bye! *smiling face*

  Shortly after the message exchanges, Siddhant fell asleep. Yet, deep and far into his slumber, the conversation stayed, never leaving his head.

  Chapter 11

  Akriti was not pleased.

  Siddhant kept telling himself that it wasn’t him, and he shouldn’t take her moods personally, but at times, when her displeasure was directed solely towards him, it was hard for him to remove himself from the equation. They were at his place, and he was trying to convince her to go to a comedy show he was excited about seeing.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked, softly, cajoling.

  Akriti rolled her eyes, and took a deep breath. Then she spoke deliberately, as if talking to a child who wasn’t very bright, ‘How many times do I have to say it?’

  Siddhant paused. It hurt him when she treated him like that, but he kept reminding himself that she didn’t mean it. ‘I know you’ve told me you don’t want to go. But I got tickets over a month ago. Remember, you said you really like these guys and wanted to see them live—?’

  ‘Well, I changed my mind!’ Akriti snapped.

  ‘Akriti,’ Siddhant said slowly. ‘It’s okay if you don’t want to do this. We can do something else. Maybe stay here and—’

  ‘You don’t have to stay; I’m not stopping you.’

  ‘I don’t mind! I’d much rather spend time with you—’

  ‘Oh, please! Spare me.’

  ‘I’m serious,’ Siddhant said patiently. Sometimes her irritability with others turned into insecurity and self-doubt. Siddhant had taken upon himself the task of pushing those thoughts firmly away from her mind when that happened. He didn’t always succeed, but he never quit trying. ‘I really would much rather stay here with you than go to that comedy show alone.’

  ‘You don’t have to go alone. Take Priyesh.’

  ‘I’ll give him the tickets, he can take someone else. I’ll stay here with you. It’s settled—’

  ‘Oh my God! Can you stop being so … so …’ Akriti looked around, her face crumpled in frustration ‘ … nice all the time.’

  ‘What’s wrong with me being nice to you?’

  ‘You’re smothering me! I don’t need you to stay back and watch over me, I don’t need your pity. Just go.’ Akriti said firmly.

  Siddhant was familiar with that tone. It meant that there was going to be no further discussion on the topic. He was used to this treatment now; he even expected it. Because her mood swings had been particularly violent in the last month, he had looked for help on the internet. He read several articles about how to support a loved one who was dealing with a loss, because her symptoms indicated that she was depressed. He was going by the book on this one. He made sure to tell her frequently that he was there for her, and that he cared about her. But he had to be careful not to say it too often and run the risk of annoying her, which seemed to happen increasingly of late.

  On her low days, he would propose ideas of activities that would take them outside. But he would do so carefully; if she seemed resistant, he didn’t push it. He gave her the freedom to make her own choices. And in her own time.

  Sure, there were times when she snapped at him, or was rude to him, but he understood that she didn’t mean it. How she behaved was a result of how she felt, and she couldn’t help how she felt. For the first few months, Siddhant had assumed that her emotional turmoil was rooted in a deep sense of loss. He himself couldn’t even imagine losing a parent, and was not sure how to help her overcome this profound loss.

  It wasn’t until he saw her leave their group of friends one day, a perfectly good day on which nothing went wrong, and slip away to the backyard to sit alone, doing nothing, that he realized she may be depressed. She was losing interest in pretty much everything happening around them. She wasn’t excited about cases at the hospital anymore, was withdrawing from social interactions, wasn’t sleeping or eating well, and was always in a bad mood.

  None of these signs, Siddhant realized, were new. She had gradually been slipping into depression ever since her father had passed away. He remembered her sudden outbursts, followed by elaborate appeals for forgiveness. The way she would shut people out, including him, and later vent her anger and frustration out on him. Her intense mood swings. The time she was upset with him because he hadn’t said ‘I love you’ back – when she had gone off the grid, skipped work, turned off her phone, leaving him to look for her everywhere until he finally found her at her apartment. And after he’d said ‘I love you’ to her the first time, how she had made it a habit to say it to him numerous times a day for several weeks, and then stopped abruptly. The day she got angry when he had complained about his parents and how guilty she had made him feel for criticizing them, when she didn’t have any. Or the day she had planned the special surprise for him at his place, and the night was ruined just because he had made a simple comment.

  On the other side of all of these episodes there had been a white rose and a heartfelt apology.

  From his training as a doctor, and his research on the internet, he had concluded that she was exhibiting symptoms of depression. In the throes of emotion, she forgot where to draw the line, exhibit
ing anger and irritability the most. More often than not, those symptoms were directed towards him.

  He was okay with it. As a doctor, he understood that like any other illness, the symptoms weren’t her fault. But on an emotional level too, he cared about her, and wanted to be there for her and help her. If the only help he could provide was by being a punching bag, he would gladly be one.

  There was something to be said for being there for her, and creating a supportive environment for her, but over time he had been feeling more and more inadequate. Even after all his research, and everything he had tried, he kept hitting a wall at every step. In the past month, especially, she had completely shut him out.

  ‘Have you thought about …’ Siddhant began tentatively. He knew it was a sensitive issue with her, and wanted to broach it carefully. ‘Talking to someone? A therapist?’

  Akriti groaned. ‘Sid, please.’

  ‘Okay, okay.’ Siddhant held up his palms in surrender. He added quietly, ‘I just wanted to check, because I know you were thinking about it …’

  ‘I am.’ Akriti sighed, a lot calmer now. ‘I have been thinking about it, I promise.’

  ‘Okay, there’s no rush. Take your time.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I just want you to feel better,’ Siddhant said, bending to kiss her forehead.

  Akriti gave him a smile, the kind that didn’t reach her eyes, and refocussed her attention on her laptop. He hadn’t seen a real smile on her face in weeks.

  There were times when she included him in her thoughts, times when she shared with him, let him in. But this wasn’t one of those. In times like this, when he was kept out, and therefore had no idea what was going on in her head, he had to be careful about not being too intrusive. He was trying his best to help her the best way he knew how, but he could tell that it wasn’t enough anymore. Not for the lack of trying, but he was barely helping.

  She needed help from a professional. They had talked about her going to a therapist on a few different occasions. While being open to the idea, she was equally hesitant to take a step towards it. Siddhant didn’t see any point in putting it off. Nevertheless, he had to respect her opinion, and give her the space and time she needed to make her decision.

  Meanwhile, the worst they had to deal with were angry outbursts here and there, random episodes of sadness and despair, followed by moments of intense clarity and remorse – going around in circles. He had to make peace with the fact that his life and needs had been put on the back burner. Under the circumstances, her needs were priority.