The Christmas Deal

by Keira Andrews

Holding him safe between them, Seth and Logan clutched each other with frozen fingers as Connor cried for the mother he’d never have again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Well, that was quite a scene tonight.”

  Sitting on the side of the hospital bed, Logan looked up to find Angela standing in the open gap in the curtain around his ER berth. Hands on hips, lips pressed tight, she shook her head gravely, fancy dangling earrings catching the washed-out fluorescent light.

  Logan cringed. The last thing he wanted to do right now was act more. “Sorry,” he rasped, his throat still dry.

  Her face softened, and she reached for his hand, giving it a kind squeeze. “Sugar, I’m messin’ with you. Thought I’d lighten the mood. There’s nothing to be sorry for. We’re all just relieved you, Seth, and Connor are okay.”

  “Oh. Uh, thanks.” One of the worries that had been jabbing at him spilled out. “You’re not going to fire Seth?”

  She scoffed. “What on earth gave you that idea? You think I have time to find another new director of systems training? Tomorrow’s December twenty-third, and I’m flying home when we get back to Albany. Besides, he’s the man for the job. No question about it.”

  “Thank God,” Logan muttered, relief pouring through him. He’d still been shivering in his hospital sweatpants and sweatshirt, and now he relaxed a bit. He hadn’t fucked it up for Seth after all.

  “So what’s with the glum face?” Angela let go of his hand and hoisted herself up to sit beside him on the bed, her short legs dangling, leather high-heeled boots knocking together. Logan was only wearing thick socks, but his feet brushed the linoleum floor.

  “Dunno. I’m worried about Connor and Seth. Jenna said they’re fine. She’s been going back and forth. I tried to stay with Connor, but he didn’t want me there.” Logan ached from it, but it wasn’t about him. If Connor needed Jenna right now, that’s who he’d get.

  “Yep, just getting their walking papers like you have.”

  “Good. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “I’d say it’s a touch of shock.”

  “Yeah. That’s what the doc said.”

  “Taking an unexpected ice bath will do that. Not to mention seeing your son and your man go under. That must’ve been the fright of your life.”

  His son. His man.

  A thick, sticky burst of emotion punched him in the gut. Logan wanted it to be true. He wanted a family. This family with Connor and Seth.

  “I never thought I could love a man like this.” He flattened his hand on his chest, almost able to feel the scars through the cheap cotton sweatshirt. “With—with my whole heart.” He had to watch his mouth and not give the game away to Angela.

  But it didn’t feel like a game at all anymore.

  He shuddered violently. “I thought they were gone.”

  Angela slipped her arm around his shoulders with a surprisingly strong grip, and Logan let himself lean into it. Then he found himself talking again, his brain shouting to be careful.

  “I can’t get it out of my head. Seeing them disappear.” He rubbed his hands up and down his thighs, nervous energy pinballing through him. “They were there, and then they were gone. I don’t think I was ever that scared before. Even fighting in the desert. Maybe that’s just faded over the years. But this was like I was choking. Sometimes I have trouble breathing because of the accident I had, and it was like that, but so much worse. I thought I was gonna die too if they were dead.”

  Saying it out loud was fucking scary, but it felt good at the same time.

  “You yanked out your man and jumped right in after your boy like a big darn hero.”

  His brain replayed it: Connor being gulped up by the lake, Seth running after him—not knowing to drop to his stomach to spread out his weight since he grew up in Georgia without ice. The bone-deep relief when he’d pulled Seth out and the terror that Connor would be out of reach.

  He snorted. “I’m no hero. I’m the reason Connor ran out there in the first place. I messed up. Again.”

  When Logan had taken a huge breath and plunged into the water to get Connor, part of him had thought it must be a nightmare. The idea of losing Connor—of failing him so badly, of never having a chance to be the dad he needed—was un-fucking-bearable.

  Angela squeezed his shoulders. “Show me a parent who says they never messed up, and I’ll show you someone crooked as a dog’s hind leg.”

  Logan had to laugh, which felt good. Then the guilt crashed in. He’d fucked up and Connor and Seth had almost died. He shouldn’t be laughing.

  Angela said softly, “That poor boy, crying for his momma. That’s a hurt you can’t fix.”

  “If I’d been there the night she died, maybe I could have saved her. We were breaking up, and…”

  Angela sighed. “Life sure can be a kick in the crotch. You wish you could turn back time and make it right somehow. But the only thing you and Seth can do is be there and give him all the love in the world. And I know you will.”

  Will we? Can we? Logan wanted it so bad, the constant ache inside him surging and taking his breath away. It wasn’t only that he didn’t want to be alone. He wanted Seth—and Connor. He wanted to make a family with them.

  A real one.

  “We haven’t known each other that long,” he blurted, because he was an idiot.

  But Angela didn’t seem suspicious and only shrugged. “So? I knew my husband was the one the first time I met him. Rosebud county fair, nineteen-eighty-four. I was sweet sixteen.”

  “Rosebud?”

  “Yep, south of Waco. Paul was taking tickets at the Ferris wheel—rickety old thing, let me tell you. My girlfriends refused to ride it, so I went on my own. I was always the adventurous one, and Paul was just too cute to pass up. He was a shy one, but he stammered out a few sentences, and every time I came around the bottom, I waved to him, and he waved back. When my time was up, he let me keep going. I rode that old wheel for an hour, and then the fair was closing, and he took a spin with me. His buddy stopped it at the top, and we sat up there talking—mostly me talking and him listenin’—and I never wanted to come down. When you know, you know.”

  “I thought I knew with Connor’s mom. Veronica.” Logan scrubbed his face. “That’s a lie. I knew we were kidding ourselves, but I went along. I don’t want fuck up again with Seth. It feels different, but what if I’m wrong?”

  She shrugged. “Only one way to find out.”

  Logan was quiet, listening to machines beep and murmured conversations beyond the curtain. “It’s happened real fast with Seth.” He didn’t say quite how fast. “But seeing him and Connor go through the ice. Seeing how they could be taken away just like that.” He snapped his fingers dully. “That’s what happened to Veronica.” He snapped again.

  “Then you know how precious life is. Grab on to the people who make your heart happy and don’t ever let go. And to hell with anyone who doesn’t like it.”

  “Is that what you did?”

  “Yes, sir. We waited until after high school to get hitched—I knew, but I was no fool either. It’s been mumble-mumble years now.” She laughed. “But he still listens to me until I’m tired of talkin’. Every word.”

  “I want that.”

  “Ain’t a thing wrong with that.”

  But what did Seth want? Logan believed Seth liked him, but it was all so new. What if this really was a mistake as well?

  Only one way to find out.

  It was past midnight when they trooped into the hotel room, all of them wearing the gray sweatsuits from the hospital and cheap flip-flops, their shoes still soaking wet.

  Jenna said to come down the hall and wake her the second they needed something, but what they needed was rest. They took turns in the bathroom and changed into PJs.

  Logan watched Seth shiver as he buttoned up his grandpa pajamas. He wanted to kiss him so bad. He didn’t want Seth to ever be scared or hurt again. Hell, he didn’t want Seth to even be cold.

&
nbsp; Connor sat up against the padded headboard of his bed, his big tee pulled up to his chin along with the thick comforter. Seth asked, “Should I turn up the heat more?” Connor shook his head. Seth sat on the other bed. “We should get some sleep, huh?”

  Connor nodded but didn’t move. The lamp between the beds cast a low golden glow. Shivering himself in his T-shirt and boxer briefs, Logan sat beside Seth, brushing against him and the flannel, resisting pulling Seth onto his lap just to hold him.

  They sat in silence, Seth giving him a worried glance. Logan figured Connor wanted to talk or he would already be asleep. Or be pretending or something. But he sat up still.

  “I miss my mom,” Connor whispered. His eyes were still red and puffy from earlier, and he seemed so small in the big bed. Would Logan mess it up if he tried to hug him?

  Logan cleared his throat. “I know. I wish I could bring her back for you. I wish I could go back and be there and change it.”

  After a few beats of silence, Seth murmured, “I thought they said there was nothing anyone could do.”

  “But I was there!” Connor’s lip wobbled, tears filling his big brown eyes. “I was up late playing video games even after she told me to turn it off and go to bed. I used my headphones, and eventually I fell asleep with the game still going. If she—what if she called for me? What if she asked me for help?”

  Logan shook his head. “With that kind of aneurysm, there was nothing you could have done. It was over in a few seconds.” He snapped his fingers. “Like that.”

  He wasn’t sure if it was exactly true—docs could guess, but no one would ever know for sure how long it had taken and if she’d suffered. But he wouldn’t let Connor blame himself. Connor was a kid, and he needed sure things. He needed Logan to be sure. What was that saying? Fake it ’til you make it.

  “But what if it wasn’t?” Connor whispered. “What if she laid there with her brain exploding and I didn’t hear her? What if she was scared? I was right next door, and she told me to stop playing. I didn’t listen, and then I couldn’t hear her!” He sobbed raggedly. “Don’t you get it? It’s my fault!”

  “No.” Logan was on his feet, and he stood there uselessly for a few moments before sitting by Connor’s feet, Connor’s knees still pulled to his chest under the covers.

  Don’t fuck this up.

  Logan said, “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You know your mom would say the same thing. She loved you more than anything in the whole world. She would never blame you. Not in a million years.”

  “I wanted her to make breakfast.” Connor sniffled loudly, wiping his nose with his hand. “Because I was too lazy to do it myself. I was an asshole. That was why I went to find her. Not because I was worried. I should have been. I should have noticed the coffee pot was still upside-down on the side of the sink from when she washed it the night before. But I was only thinking about myself.”

  “You’re a kid,” Logan said. “That’s what kids do. You think I appreciated everything my mom did for me? No way. Took it for granted until I joined the Marines. And pretty soon she was gone, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

  Connor blinked at him, fresh tears streaking his flushed cheeks. “Really? I didn’t know that.”

  “Yeah. It sucked. It sucked real hard. I got to talk to her on my CO’s computer, but it’s not the same. She looked so pale and…small. I couldn’t understand how she’d gotten so small, so fast.”

  Connor shivered. “Mom was all gray,” he whispered. “Waxy, like she was fake. But it was her. And then they put a sheet over her like she didn’t mean anything. She was everything!”

  Logan put his hand over the mound under the comforter where Connor’s knees were. “I know. Your mom and I made a mistake getting married, but I’m so glad I met her. And you.”

  Wiping his eyes, Connor snorted. “Yeah, right. You’re just stuck with me.”

  “That’s what family’s about. Being stuck with each other.” Hand still on Connor’s knees, he looked at Seth sitting on the other bed. “And sometimes your birth family sucks and they throw you out like Seth’s did. Or they don’t take care of you the way they should, like your dad.”

  Logan held his breath, waiting for Connor to freak out and defend his asshole father. But he didn’t. He nodded, sniffling loudly. “My dad sucks.” He looked at Seth. “Your family sucks too.”

  “Yeah,” Seth said. “But you know, we get to pick our families too. You and Logan get to pick each other. Your mom brought you together, and you can choose to embrace it.” He smiled wryly. “Maybe give each other a break?”

  Logan and Connor looked at each other, and they smiled too. Logan’s chest went warm and gooey. “Yeah, that sounds like a plan, huh?” He jostled Connor’s knees.

  “Okay.” He wiped his eyes. “Thanks for rescuing me.”

  Logan thought of how bony and fragile Connor had felt under his frozen hands as he’d pushed him up onto the ice. How breakable. He couldn’t let Connor break. Maybe he wouldn’t always do or say the right thing, but he was going to try his hardest every day.

  He was going to be the best dad he could.

  Logan cleared his throat. “Anytime. Although let’s not do that again. And let’s not… Look, I’m sorry I lied to you about me and Seth. I should have told you the truth, even though it was confusing. Confusing to me, I mean.”

  He glanced at Seth, who gave him a little smile. Logan went on, his heart drumming. “Because this was all supposed to be pretend, and it doesn’t feel like that now. It feels real. And I want it to be real. I really like Seth a lot.”

  He was still looking at Seth. Seth’s smile grew wider, and he was so pretty and sweet, and yep—Logan wanted to kiss him over and over. He wanted to kiss Seth until their lips hurt. Logan smiled back before looking at Connor again.

  Connor eyed him with his brows drawn close. “You really mean it?”

  “I do. I’m not trying to steal Seth’s money or anything like that.”

  Connor’s cheeks went pink, and he looked down. “I know,” he mumbled. He snaked one hand out from under the covers and pulled at a loose thread on a seam. “Did you cheat on my mom?” He looked Logan straight in the eyes.

  “Never.” Logan didn’t have to fake the confidence in what he was saying. “I didn’t cheat on her. We weren’t meant to be together in the long run, but I never even looked at other women.” He hesitated. “Or men. I’m a lot of things, and I sure ain’t perfect, but I’m not a cheater.”

  Connor nodded. “I believe you. I think… I think I always knew that.” He dropped his head, then blurted, “I’m sorry I called you stupid so many times. I—you’re not stupid. I just get so mad.” His thin shoulders hunched.

  “I get it,” Logan said gruffly. “It’s okay. How about a clean slate? Like Seth said, we can give each other a break.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” Connor wiped his nose. “I’m tired. Can I sleep now?” When Logan nodded, Connor curled away toward the dark window, the drapes firmly shut.

  “We should all sleep,” Logan said, getting up and crawling across the mattress past Seth. He shimmied under the covers and stretched out on his back.

  Seth got settled and switched off the lamp. “Sleep tight, Connor.”

  In the darkness, he turned toward Logan, his palm warm and comforting on Logan’s chest. He whispered, “How’s your breathing?”

  “Good,” Logan whispered back. Better now.

  “It was so hard to breathe after being in that freezing water. Must have been worse for you.” He rubbed his fingers lightly over the spot where Logan’s scars were beneath the cotton.

  “Didn’t even think about it. All that mattered was you and Connor. You both disappeared. It was only a few seconds, I guess, but it was fucking forever.”

  Seth shivered, and Logan shifted them until he was spooning Seth, pressed against his back. There was nothing sexy about it—certainly not with Connor a few feet away. But it was just right.

 
Despite the warmth in the room, Logan could hear Connor’s teeth chattering. In the faint light of the clock, Logan and Seth shared a worried look and sat up. Connor was still curled toward the window, his shoulders shaking.

  “Still cold, Connor?” Seth asked.

  A small, chattering voice said, “Yeah.”

  Seth met Logan’s gaze and pointed down at their bed. Logan nodded, and Seth asked, “Do you want to sleep with us? We’re all freezing.”

  The silence lasted several dull thuds of Logan’s heart, and then Connor whispered, “Okay.”

  He got out of bed and stood hugging himself as Logan scooted over to the wall. Seth pulled up his legs, and Connor crawled between Seth and Logan and got under the covers.

  Connor said, “It’s too quiet.”

  Seth reached for the remote and turned on the TV, the screen flickering blue in the darkness. He kept the volume low and switched channels until he landed on Elf.

  There was something soothing about the soft murmur of the TV, although Logan’s brain still turned itself over. There was so much he wanted to say to Seth. They liked each other, but… Now what?

  Now you sleep, asshole.

  As much as Logan ached to feel Seth in his arms, snuggling under the covers with Connor between them was comforting in a way all its own. As the characters in the movie sung “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” Logan drifted off and let himself believe.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Seth had woken with Connor’s knobby knee in his back and an arm half across his face, and the three of them had grumbled about it being way too hot in the room.

  But there hadn’t been any real fire to the complaints, and although it was a little awkward and stilted, they’d gotten ready for breakfast in companionable-enough silence, the TV still on and playing the Mormon choir singing carols.

  Breakfast was spent smiling and nodding at all the well-meaning inquiries into their well-being, and Seth was relieved when they boarded the buses back to Albany. Connor sat with Ian and buried his nose in the games on his phone, and Seth drowsed next to Logan, their arms brushing.