Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  Samiyah made a noise and then frowned. “I don’t like people touching my violin.” She glanced at Dane. “Sorry, boss.”

  “No, I get it.” She never liked people touching her violin either, but probably because it had been a gift from her mother. She’d been protective of her guitars back when she was in Destined for Nowhere. Eventually even that fell to the wayside when she’d been injured, and the world lost its luster. Even when music came back to her, it wasn’t the same. She wasn’t the same.

  “You’re just looking for an excuse. You can’t play it,” Dougie said. A smirk eased onto his face and his eyes seemed satisfied, like he won something.

  Dane rolled her eyes. “Watch this.” She wouldn’t touch Samiyah’s violin without permission, but she could wow this lot fairly easily.

  She moved behind the drums and got started. She tapped out a simple beat for a moment before getting a little more complex. It had been a while since she played the drums, but it came flooding back the more she hit the drums. She gave it about a minute, watching them. They seemed a little less skeptical, but not wholly impressed.

  Cracking her knuckles, she reached for Lennox’s guitar. She grabbed his pick and strummed the guitar, playing a light melody. She picked up the pace and now wide eyes watched her as she went along. Her hand wouldn’t allow her to play for long, but she managed two minutes before her hand begged her to stop. She put the guitar down and eased behind the keyboard. She started with only her right hand and once her left hand was rested, she got a little more complicated in her riff. She drifted a jazzy tune into classical and then turned to them.

  “Holy crap,” Evie muttered with wide eyes.

  “Yeah,” Lennox agreed with a similar expression.

  Samiyah let out a breath. “Wow.”

  “Good enough for you, your highness?” Dane asked Dougie.

  He stared at her, mouth dropped open. “Uh…yeah.”

  “I play, guys. Not as well as I used to, but I play. If you dare doubt me, go ask around. I know music in more ways than most. I want to make music with you guys. Can we do that?”

  “Yeah,” they all mumbled.

  “Good. Instruments up.” Dane whirled a finger in the air, wanting to get back to their opening song, and do it right.

  ***

  Class started in less than an hour. Nicole had a drink with Mina and Clara, and they celebrated the victory from the morning. It was uplifting and fun, but brief. She went back to her office to kill a little more time after that. Mina’s pep talk seemed like a lifetime ago rather than just that morning. Butterflies flittered in Nicole’s stomach. It was a daunting idea that she’d be done in four months. What would she do after that? Who would she become after that?

  “It’s not like I’ll have to search for a job right away,” Nicole muttered, pushing away from her desk. Hell, I might not have to search for a job at all.

  Just as with all her other classes, she planned to stay late at work until she had to leave for school. Crow had promised to get Danny, which was fine, but Nicole had come to enjoy their drive back home. Now, two days out of the week, that time would be Crow’s. It might prove more days considering she had a thesis this term and would have to spend loads of time in the library.

  “I wonder if Mina would say this wasn’t dependent behavior as well.” Nicole sighed and she packed up her briefcase. What if…She shook her head and made her way to the car. She refused to go where her mind wanted, refused to doubt Danny. Danny was nothing like anyone she had dated. Danny hadn’t led her wrong yet. “I owe her this if nothing else, considering all the shit I’ve put her through.”

  Of course, that reminder led to more unease. Danny had gone through so much because of her. Was it hard to believe that once Danny could truly support herself, she’d try to get as far away from Nicole as possible? It could be for survival.

  “Danny’s not like that. I’ve got to focus on class. Can’t afford to fail anything now.” She had put in too much hard work to let it all fall apart now, especially on insecurities. “God, I just turned thirty. I’m acting like a fifteen-year-old.”

  She couldn’t help it. Lovers had conditioned her over the years. She was accustomed to being used until she couldn’t take it anymore. Soon Danny would have no use for her. You’re kidding, right? If Danny wanted to be done with you, she’d have walked away when her mother gave her that trust.

  Shaking it off, Nicole managed to get herself together to pay attention in class, read the syllabus, and find out what was expected of her. Taking a breath, she assured herself that she had this. She could handle school, graduating, and the new aspects of her relationship. Change was good.

  “Change is one of the reasons I like chemistry. It’ll be fine,” Nicole muttered as she made her way back to the car. Class was done and seemed promising. Now, she looked forward to this final semester.

  When she got in, the house was quiet. Haydn rushed up to her. He rubbed his head against her and then led her into the living room. A soft smile settled on her face as she stared at Danny, asleep on the couch.

  “She’s cute, isn’t she, Haydn?” Nicole asked. He gave a yelp and nudged her leg. “I know she is. Let’s let her sleep and see about getting a late snack.”

  Haydn let out a little bark and followed her into the kitchen. Much to Nicole’s surprise, dinner waited on the counter. Fresh dishes sat in the rack. Nicole sighed. Danny made dinner and did the dishes.

  “Well, I guess that explains why she’s asleep. We’re supposed to be a team,” Nicole said. Her heart sank a little. I don’t want to burden Danny.

  There was only one plate. At least Danny had eaten rather than waiting for her to do so. Moving the wrapper on top of the plate, Nicole was greeted by chicken breast, yellow rice, and broccoli. She heated it up in the microwave and then went to go wake Danny, knowing she’d want to have dinner with her even if she already ate.

  “Danny, sweetheart.” Nicole gently shook her lover.

  Danny groaned and turned over onto her side. Nicole chuckled and shook Danny a bit more. Grey eyes fluttered open. There were a couple of blinks and then a smile curled onto Danny’s lips.

  Danny yawned. “Hey, love. You’re home.”

  “And you’re asleep.” Nicole leaned down to kiss Danny.

  Danny kissed her back and then rubbed her eyes. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  Nicole offered her a soft smile. “I’m sure you didn’t. I woke you up because I figured you’d want to sit with me for a while.”

  Danny nodded and slowly made her way off the couch. She sat across from Nicole in the kitchen nook. Nicole started in on her food while Danny drank some juice.

  “You didn’t have to cook,” Nicole said. She’d have to try to wake up early and make breakfast. Of course, that might not do much since Danny could easily claim dinner tomorrow.

  “I don’t want you to come home hungry. Besides, I gotta eat, too,” Danny replied.

  True. Nicole couldn’t expect Danny to get takeout on days she had class. She knew there was no way in hell Danny would let her eat out when she had class either. She loved this particular care about Danny, but it was a little annoying, too.

  “How was your day?” Nicole asked.

  “It’s coming along. The orchestra’s having trouble playing together. Everybody wants to be in charge, ya know?” Danny replied.

  A smile settled on Nicole’s face. “You’ll pull them together.”

  “I’m trying. It’s hard. Didn’t think Lennox would be as annoying as he is. He’s got a damned ego on him.”

  Nodding, Nicole ate a little more before saying something. “Is he good enough to have that ego?”

  Danny laughed a little. “Hell, yeah. They should all have the egos they do. Hell, even Pedro, Greg, and Evie, who aren’t problems, but aren’t exactly humble either. They all have a reason for it. In my head, this thing is gonna be awesome, partially because they’re all as good as they think they are. I’m hoping like hell it turn
s out like that in the show.”

  Nicole nodded. “You’ll pull it off. I mean, you had to do it with your band, right?”

  “Yeah.” Danny tilted her head and squinted a little. “Have I told you about my band?”

  “Not much.”

  It was a little surprising Danny didn’t talk about them more. Yes, Bryan had been a part of the group, but she could talk about them without mentioning that traitorous bastard. Had someone else wronged her in the group or did it cause her too much pain to think about back when she was pretty much a celebrity?

  “I know they were a big part of your life. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to forget about that time, and that’s why you haven’t said anything.” Nicole now knew better than most to never push hard for anything.

  Danny shook her head and looked down at her left hand. “No, I don’t like to think about it much. I mean, not gonna be that good again. Why think about it?”

  “Because it was a special time,” Nicole replied, taking Danny’s hand and giving it a squeeze. She didn’t want to say it was a happy or good time for Danny, but it wasn’t awful. “You’re allowed to remember it and even feel good about it, even if there’s some pain there.”

  “Yeah. Plus, I want to share with you. I want you to know about stuff like that.” Danny sighed as she put her hand through her hair. Maybe she didn’t know where to begin or how to put it into words. “What do you want to know?”

  “Anything. Just talk to me,” Nicole replied.

  Danny put a finger to her chin. “We called ourselves Destined for Nowhere because we’d all been told that’s what we were once or twice. Now, we’ve got this great band, and it was like a big middle finger to all of them. Beyond that, we were friends, I guess. We played pranks on each other all the time. Harmless, stupid stuff. Crap I imagine little kids do to each other. It was fun, though.”

  Nicole tilted her head. “You guys would laugh them off?”

  “All the time. The only thing that was off limit were our instruments. Anything else was fair game. I remember one time, someone put shaving cream in one of my shoes. It was gross, but I laughed. I put a fake bug on Fae’s, our other guitarist, pizza once. She screamed so loud. Did stupid stuff like that all the time.”

  Nicole’s smile grew. It certainly sounded like harmless kid stuff. Maybe everyone in the band was immature or missed out on a childhood like Danny. “That’s good. Were they all as good as you with their instruments?”

  Danny shrugged. “We were good. If I was gonna put together a band, I’d pick them every time, except for the douche bag.”

  Bryan. She’d met him twice, and that was too many times. She couldn’t understand how someone’s best friend could hurt them the way he hurt Danny.

  “Of course,” Nicole managed to say once she realized the conversation paused because of her.

  “They were willing to take risks with me, which is what I’m trying to get the orchestra to do. I want to be able to do things different, but I want them to also know I’m going to pull them through.”

  Nicole nodded. “Your band was like that?”

  “Yup. Stuck with me through weird shit. I wrote a song that called for fucking water glasses one time and they were like, ‘well, shit if Dane wants to do it, then let her do it.’”

  “Water glasses?” Nicole had to laugh. “How did that go over?”

  “Pretty good, but we only did it a couple of times. I kept accidentally drinking the water. Too high to remember it’s part of the set. I love when I get to combine hip-hop and rock. I love bringing elements of jazz into rock or back into rock, I guess, since jazz is the granddaddy of it all. Hell, I’ve had clubs jumping from swing music with Destined for Nowhere.”

  Nicole doubted she’d ever fully understand when Danny was popular, but it was great to hear about. She felt like Danny was truly at ease with her and hoped this meant Danny understood she wasn’t going anywhere. Hell, she knew she needed to understand Danny wasn’t going anywhere, yet her stomach knotted up thinking about the possibility.

  “My hope is to be able to pull stuff like that off with these guys.”

  “You have ideas?” Nicole guessed. Of course, she had seen Danny writing in her portfolio every night, but those ideas might have remained just that.

  “A ton, but sometimes my ideas are actually fantasy and I’ve come to accept that. I like being able to run stuff by my orchestra. They can pull me back if I’m getting too out there. I already know what I want to do with Pedro and his sax. I have to throw Dougie’s piccolo into something because he sounds…” Grey eyes glanced up, searching the ceiling. “Beautiful is the only accurate way to describe it. And, then there’s Samiyah.” Danny groaned, and the noise hit Nicole in her suddenly knotted stomach.

  Danny certainly was enamored with Samiyah. It’s just for music, though. Still, Nicole couldn’t help the burn in her throat at the mention of the violinist.

  “You’re really impressed with her, huh?” Nicole did her best to sound normal, casual even.

  “I’m impressed with them all, but I feel like having her is good luck. She’s going to be the thing to make this something beyond regular music. Everyone else is good, but she’s heads above them.”

  Nicole nodded. She wished she could share the passion of music with Danny. Yes, in a way she could, but not as deeply as she wanted to. It was still fun to see and experience.

  Dinner went quickly, and they took Haydn for a short walk outside, strolling gloved hand in gloved hand. It was mostly quiet with Danny telling her more about her band experience. Her music had allowed her to travel to many places.

  “I never left the country. Couldn’t get a passport. Made the band miss a few things because of that,” Danny said.

  Nicole took her hand. “We can go get you one and then plan a trip.” Something to look forward to. Plans for the future.

  Danny smiled. “I’d like that.”

  Those words soothed anxiety in Nicole that she had been trying to ignore since the mention of Samiyah. Danny made plans with her, wanted to do things with her, wanted to be with her. Everything else was work.

  ***

  Dane rubbed her eyes with both hands as she flopped down into one of the hard chairs in the orchestra room. New day, same problems, plus some. The orchestra couldn’t get themselves together, from seating to playing together to playing at the right volume. Then, there were script rewrites and she didn’t hear about them from Andrew. She managed to make friends with a few of the play’s crew and some of the actors and the orchestra had done the same. Now, she had to consider the rewrites when she worked on the score. She waved the orchestra out, missing her band a little.

  Destined for Nowhere did what she asked because she asked. Her orchestra talked back even when what she said made sense. It wasn’t as much as before, but they still needed so much direction. And she still needed to write. Might as well get home and get on with it.

  It was Nicole’s second day of school. Crow picked her up. They exchanged greetings and light pleasantries and then Dane lost herself in her portfolio. She needed to do something to include the rewrites in what she already had.

  “You okay?” Crow asked.

  Dane took a deep breath. “Yeah, a little tired, but that’s about it.”

  “Well, when you get home, you can take a nap.”

  The idea should’ve sounded like music to her ears, but Dane wasn’t in favor of it. The other day when she was at home alone, it was quiet and boring. She only accidentally fell asleep after doing chores. She’d rather not go home, but she had to get to Haydn.

  “Thanks for the ride,” Dane said as they pulled up to the house.

  “Anytime, kid,” Crow replied.

  Dane let out a snicker and wished she could stall, but she had to go inside. Jody gave her a wave while Haydn charged her. His greeting was enough to lift her spirits.

  “Catch you tomorrow,” Jody said, shouldering her messenger bag.

  “You don’t wanna stick around a
nd play some games?” Dane nodded toward the television.

  “Nah, I got schoolwork to start on. I spend a lot of my day here working on non-school stuff.”

  Dane arched an eyebrow. “Why?”

  “The change of environment seems to help. I go home, and my mind wanders. I can focus on school stuff at home, but not other work. I dunno.” Jody scratched the top of her head.

  Dane nodded. A change in environment? It was something to consider. For now, she had home. Jody saw herself out and Dane flopped down on the couch, hoping to get to work. The silence crept through her, so she put on some music. Haydn cuddled in close to her and usually that was enough for her. But, underneath it all, there was still a crawling sensation, gnawing at her mind, and her hand was still. Sighing, she rubbed the bridge of her nose, a headache catching up with her.

  “Maybe it’ll be different after I make dinner,” Dane said. She’d get to work after that. Of course, she said that the other night, too.

  ***

  Classes had only been going on two weeks, but Nicole already found herself swamped. She ended up at the library after class, seeking science journals to help her project, but then hurried home. She found Danny asleep on the couch with her portfolio on her chest. Haydn was on the floor next to her, asleep as well. Food waited for her on the counter again, but she decided to let Danny sleep. It was kind of late, and Danny probably needed it. Getting a good night’s sleep might help cure Danny of the writer’s block she had complained about earlier.

  Sitting at the nook, Nicole stared at the empty space across from her. Her heart thumped in her chest, sending chilling vibrations throughout her body. If she looked hard enough, she could picture Danny across from her, like old times, which was only a couple of weeks ago. She missed Danny’s smile. How many nights would be spent like this? At least until she was done with school. That felt like an eternity with the deafening silence crushing her.

  “Change is good. We’re evolving,” she said this aloud to remind herself that it was true. They weren’t growing apart, and change wouldn’t set them adrift. Besides, the thing clinging to her that felt an awful lot like loneliness wasn’t permanent. It would end with school. The emptiness and the anxiety were growing pains.