Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  Chapter Twelve

  NICOLE STARED AT HER work computer, doing one thing she never did in the firm—schoolwork. She and Lisa Santos, her lab partner, had to design an experiment, explaining it and their process before completing the experiment and recording if it was successful or not. They emailed back and forth. Lisa was a working mother and she didn’t have a lot of free time, but she had ideas, as did Nicole. They did their own independent research and then compared notes. A knock at her door got her attention.

  “Hey, Nicole could you—” A coworker marched in.

  Nicole put up her hand. “Nope. Can’t do it.”

  “But, there’s all this talk about how you wowed those new clients. I need help with a presentation,” he said.

  “And I said, no. I’m busy.” She had finished her work for the day, cleared her emails, and now had a couple of hours of nothing to do that was work related.

  “But—”

  Nicole looked up and glared. “I said no. I thought it was understood or do I have to get on the phone with a partner?”

  He yelped and shut her door. How bold. She didn’t even have time to be annoyed before her phone rang. A boss apologizing for someone disturbing her and promising reprimands. She smiled. If only they cared that much about keeping people away from her before she went back to school. She wouldn’t miss this.

  “I should get out of here,” Nicole said. She finished her email and was about to log out, but noticed an email from Karisa Collins. She checked it. It was thanks, but also a reminder. Karisa would make space for her in her lab if she wanted it. Wow, she was serious about her job offer.

  It sounded good right now, but it was too much to deal with. Nicole needed to get out of there. Once Nicole was in her car, she realized she didn’t have anywhere to go. Dane didn’t get off work for two more hours. There had to be something.

  “The fridge is almost empty. Might as well get some shopping done.” Nicole pulled out of her parking spot and went straight to the supermarket. It was the least she could do considering Danny handled the cooking and cleaning when she was at class.

  With the backseat and trunk full, Nicole went to pick up Danny. She watched the musicians leaving, as usual. Danny stood with them, talking, but Nicole couldn’t hear. Danny’s face was stern, and she made a circle motion with her finger. Her crew nodded. Danny reached out and touched Samiyah’s arm. Nicole scowled, but schooled her features by the time Danny jumped in the car.

  “Hey, love,” Danny said, leaning over for a kiss. She settled into her seat and then glanced back. “Did you buy the grocery store?”

  Nicole started for home. “We need it.”

  “How much did all this cost?” There was an odd urgency in Danny’s tone.

  That was a weird question. “Why?” She tried not to sound confused, but it couldn’t be helped.

  Danny shifted, putting her hand in her pocket. “I can give you half.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” She better be kidding.

  “No. Why would I be kidding? I can afford it, and I used to buy the groceries anyway.”

  Nicole looked at Danny from the corner of her eye. “It’s not about being able to afford it. It’s groceries for the house. I didn’t pitch a fit when you bought them.”

  “I’m not pitching a fit. It’s just this is my thing, and I have money now.” Danny held up the bills in her wallet.

  “I understand that, but you’ve had money before.”

  “Not like this.” Dane kept the bills in her hand. “I can pay for groceries, just like I can pay the phone bill.”

  Nicole frowned. She didn’t need this right now. “Okay, and so can I. Why is this an issue?”

  “It’s not. If we’re a team, then I should be able to put fifty percent of the grocery money in. Why don’t you want me to?”

  Nicole ground her teeth. “Because that’s not how a team works.”

  “Because you know so much about team work?” Danny snapped.

  Nicole took a deep breath. Maybe this wasn’t about groceries. Maybe it was about work. Work was taxing. Danny wasn’t used to it. Danny was there for her when work got under her skin. But, she didn’t want to take Danny’s money. It didn’t make any sense to do so.

  “Danny, sweetheart, why would we start this half thing?” Nicole asked. “I’m truly curious. We never did that before.”

  “Because I couldn’t afford it. Now, I can. Can you just take the money?” Dane shoved some money at her and then turned away, staring ahead, like that was normal behavior.

  Nicole swallowed down the pain it caused her, feeling torn open. Who threw money at someone? “Fine. Fine.”

  The rest of the ride was spent in bone-crushing silence. This had to be what it felt like to die in space, sucked into the vacuum, and destroyed by the void. It didn’t get better when they bid farewell to Jody. Haydn whined, going between them as they tried to go their separate ways. They locked eyes, and Nicole sighed.

  They were a team. They couldn’t let something this small come between them. She grabbed Danny’s hand. Danny squeezed back. There were smiles, but Nicole’s face hurt a little from forcing it and Danny’s eyes didn’t shine the way they used to.

  “How about we go walk our young man together?” Danny said.

  Nicole nodded. It could be the cure for what ailed them, for the moment anyway. She’d take it and let the world fall away because when the world came back there’d be work and school and decisions on who’d make dinner. We need to figure this chore and money situation out.

  ***

  Days later, Dane sat in the dimly lit orchestra room, staring at a song that didn’t want to come together. She had already sent the orchestra home for the night. They’d done well with what she had worked out, but she hadn’t written a complete score yet. She was stuck.

  Moving, Dane grabbed one of the rather pathetic acoustic guitars leaning in the corner. The instrument would have to do since she didn’t think to bring her own instruments to work. She never thought she needed to until now. Throwing herself back into a hard, folding chair, causing it to screech and scrape the floor, she strummed the strings. It didn’t sound right.

  “Maybe I should do this at home, on my own guitar.” Not that she had been able to do much at home lately. When it was just her and Haydn, there was an emptiness, a stillness that stayed her hand. Not to mention, a tension lived there now. “I can’t hide here.”

  She did need to break in her guitar. She had it for a couple of months, but hadn’t done much with it. Nicole bought it for her and hadn’t pressed her about using it. There was something about the guitar that didn’t sit well with Dane, but she couldn’t leave it idle for the rest of her life. Besides, she couldn’t leave Jody at home with Haydn. She’s got a life, after all.

  Dane called Crow for a ride and Crow was all too happy to take her home. Why the hell does Crow care so much about me? Dane liked it and returned the affection now, but she didn’t understand it.

  “Crow, what’s the deal? Why do you help me out like this?”

  Crow glanced at her. “You’re kidding, right? At this point, you’re basically family, Dane.”

  Dane nodded. “Yeah, I feel that way about you, too, but it took me a while to get here. You didn’t start out like that, right?”

  “No, but I’ve always liked you and I truly believe in your gift. I think other people need to hear it and I want to help you get back into it in some way. If it means giving you a lift from work, that’s fine with me.” Crow smiled.

  Dane couldn’t stop her grin. “My music means that much to you?”

  “Hell, yeah. I heard you play for the first time at a somewhat depressing and dark point in my life, and you touched me. I kept coming back and even as I got out of that place, your music always hit spaces inside of me and made me feel…connected or something. It lets me know I’m alive. That it’s okay to be alive. Sometimes, it made me feel at ease. It went beyond the usual emotions, but like I was part of something great
, like there was greatness in me. I hope other people get that when they hear you.”

  Dane nodded. She wanted her music to do that to people. She scratched the back of her head. “I think music saved me, too.”

  “Music is powerful. Maybe your darkness makes light and that light seeks out other darkness, turning it the same.”

  “I dunno about light. Sometimes, writing and playing were the only things that kept me alive, kept me tethered to this world, gave me something to care about.” It never seemed to drive the darkness out of her or bring light into her world. Nick is my light. But, the light dimmed a few days ago when tension moved into their home. Now, Nicole hid from her in the office and looked at her with dull eyes. I should do something about that.

  Crow nodded and glanced at her. “You got a lot more to care about now.”

  “Damn right I do, friend.”

  “No, not friend.” Crow grinned. “Fam.”

  “Yeah, fam. You’re great family, Crow, and I mean the hell outta that.”

  Crow sat up a little taller. The rest of the ride was light small talk about their days. When Dane got home, she found Jody messing with the TV. She didn’t bother to ask, knowing Jody was experimenting with something Dane wouldn’t understand. They barely said hi and bye to each other before Jody was out the door. Even though they liked each other fine, she’d come to learn Jody preferred things that way.

  With the house to herself, Dane ignored the dancing shadows that seemed to taunt her and set up her guitar to try to make this music work. Curling up in the corner of the music room, she strummed. For some reason, even after having it for a while, she couldn’t get it to sound right. She had a feeling it was psychological. It was probably fine, but didn’t sound like her old guitar. She doubted anything would ever sound like her old guitar. The thought bothered her enough to keep her writer’s block solidly in place.

  “Maybe it’s because things are tense with me and Nick.” She doubted that. The writer’s block was before the tension. Why the hell are things tense between us? She snorted. It’d probably be easier to figure that out than to keep trying with her guitar. She’d talk to Nicole and sort things out.

  Giving up on that guitar, she switched to her keyboard and had better luck in playing. It still didn’t sound exactly like she wanted, but she played on. Jazz came naturally, flowed, but didn’t fit what she needed. With some effort, it became soft rock. Eventually, she gave up. Something still wasn’t right.

  Grabbing her phone, she wanted to call Nicole, but she was in class. Instead, she called Allison, wanting to tell her all about her orchestra. Allison eventually put her on speakerphone, so she could tell the whole family about how things were going.

  “We’re very proud of you,” Henry said.

  “We get to see the show, right?” Ben inquired.

  “Of course, you get to see the show.” Dane expected she’d have to pay out of pocket, but they wanted to be there, and she wanted them there. She wanted them to see she made something of herself.

  “Front row?” Ben practically yelled into the phone.

  “Sure, no problem,” Dane replied. She had the money now. Sure, she needed to pay bills and stuff, but there was money coming in. Oh, god, she had to tell Lynn and Henry she paid bills! They’d probably laugh at her enthusiasm, but they’d understand.

  ***

  Nicole felt hugged by the warmth of the house as she came inside. Haydn was on her before she could shut the door. She rubbed his head and looked around the silent space. Hints of fried chicken hung in the air. Did Danny cook, or had she ordered out? Time to find out.

  “Danny?” Nicole stepped into the living room to find Danny hunched on the couch, writing in her portfolio. “Danny?”

  Danny’s head shot up. “Huh? Oh, hey, Nick.”

  “You okay, baby?” Nicole walked over to Danny and gave her a kiss. It was barely returned. Nicole didn’t think anything of it. They still seemed to be on shaky ground from the grocery incident.

  Danny grunted and shook her head. Nicole didn’t ask. She went to put her stuff away and grab something to eat. Homemade fried chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes awaited her. She took her plate to sit with Danny. Haydn made himself comfortable on their feet.

  Danny didn’t offer any conversation, scribbling on her notepaper. Nicole ate silently and observed. Danny’s face was pinched and for every line she wrote another got scratched out. Once Nicole was done, she went and washed her dishes. Haydn followed her.

  “Aw, what’s the matter, boy? Other mom not giving you attention right now? Well, her job is really important. Lots of people depend on her. Just give her time, okay?” Nicole gave Haydn a treat to make him feel better. He barked.

  Nicole went back to the sofa. “Danny, how long have you been working on this?”

  Danny shrugged. “A while.”

  “How about you pause for a second? Let me help you relax.” It might help the tension in Danny’s body and the strain between them.

  “Not right now. I’m trying to get these notes just right. Gotta make it perfect if Samiyah’s going to do it.”

  Nicole frowned and ignored the fact that it felt like she got kicked in the gut. Again with Samiyah. “A little break might help you think better.” She put her hands on Danny’s shoulders.

  Danny shrugged her off. “No, I need to get this done.”

  If Samiyah’s name was like a kick to the stomach, the brush off was like a punch to the face. Best to quit while she was only a little behind and not totally stomped into the ground. Taking a breath, Nicole scraped together what little dignity she had left and stood up.

  “Fine. Sorry I offered.” Nicole retreated to the library to do schoolwork. Haydn followed her and laid his head in her lap as she sat at the computer. She petted his head.

  After an hour, Nicole was ready for bed. Danny was already in their room, watching her as she settled into her side. Grey eyes never left her, but told her nothing. Was Danny none the wiser of the pain she caused?

  “I didn’t mean to be so short with you downstairs,” Danny said.

  “Your work is important.” Nicole didn’t want to excuse Danny’s behavior, but she didn’t want Danny to know she hurt her either.

  Danny grabbed her and pulled her close. “You’re important.”

  “You threw money at me,” Nicole found herself saying.

  Danny flinched. “Excuse me?”

  “The other day with the groceries. You threw money at me. Literally threw it at me and then went on like it was fine.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry, angel. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t even realize it. I just want you to have the money.” Danny hugged her. “I’m letting this gig bug me out. I didn’t mean. I promise. I’ll do better.”

  “Danny, I know you’re stressed. I know this is a lot. I just…” Nicole wasn’t even sure what she needed to say. She didn’t know what she needed, beyond respect and acknowledgement and she shouldn’t have to tell Danny that. Danny knew. Danny always knew.

  “I’m sorry.” Danny kissed the side of her head.

  Nicole had no doubt Danny was sorry, but did that mean it wouldn’t happen again? Did that mean she wouldn’t be shrugged away the next time she offered relief? Did that mean next time Danny was working she wouldn’t kiss Nicole back? Nicole stayed awake, eyes on the ceiling as if it had the answers. Instead, she stared at the abyss and the abyss stared right back.

  ***

  Dane hadn’t slept and it wasn’t helping her attitude and patience with her hardheaded band of misfits. She rubbed the center of her forehead, hoping to keep away a headache. Taking a deep breath, she released it as she stood from her chair.

  “Evie, can you please step back to your position?” Dane asked, pointing to where Evie needed to be.

  “I will if Pedro can step back.” Evie looked behind her.

  “I’m standing on a platform,” Pedro said.

  “What the hell does that have to do with your foot on my leg?” Ev
ie replied.

  “Hey!” Dane glared at them. “We don’t have time for this. Just be in position. It gives us the best sound. And, Dougie, don’t think I missed you came in late.”

  Dougie gasped. “I did not!”

  “You did,” everyone said.

  “It doesn’t matter. Let’s all do this again.” Dane clapped and then twirled her finger for them to go from the top.

  They didn’t look happy, but they went from the top. Dane frowned as she listened. She didn’t know what she wanted. It sounded light, airy. It should. It fit the scene. You threw money at me. Nicole’s words echoed through her head. She rubbed her eyes and shook her head. You threw money at me. That wasn’t the actions of someone who loved Nicole.

  Dane held up her hand. “Stop.”

  “What? That was good,” Lennox said.

  “Just like it was the last two times she stopped us,” Samiyah said, throwing her hands up, even though they were full of her instrument and bow.

  “Guys, take five.” They were sick of her, and she was sick of them. She didn’t even have to say it twice. They were gone. She kicked the nearest chair. “Fuck.”

  “You okay there, boss?” Samiyah asked.

  Dane turned around. “I thought you left.”

  “Yeah, but Dougie tried to talk to me, so I’m back.” Samiyah stepped closer.

  “I wouldn’t want to talk to Dougie either.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  Dane scratched the top of her head. “What makes you think anything is wrong?” Beyond the fact she was blowing this gig and her relationship all in one shot.

  “You made us take a break. Usually, you’re always on top of us, which we need. Plus, I just saw you kick a chair on a leg I know is killing you.”

  Fuck. When did the world get so observant? Dane rolled her shoulders and looked away from Samiyah. “I’ll figure it out.”