The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  After an hour or so, Jewels put a couple of her specialty pizzas in the oven, and before long a divine aroma filled the air.

  ‘Shall we head upstairs to eat these?’ Jewels asked once they were done. ‘It’s starting to get a bit cold out here now.’

  After a couple of trips up and down the stairs they were all back at the dining room table, Ami seated at its head in her highchair.

  She was such an adorable little girl. Ellie was loving spending this time with her. As a child she’d always seen herself as a mother. She’d loved to play with dolls, hanging onto her favourites and secretly cuddling and playing with them long after her friends had all grown out of such childish toys. Somewhere along the line she’d pushed the dream of having children to the back of her mind, maybe because once she’d come out of the closet everyone else assumed she wouldn’t be having any. But lately she found herself thinking more and more about the idea of becoming a mother.

  Her mother had cried the day Ellie told her that Tom next door was not her boyfriend and she was to stop calling him that because Ellie would never have a boyfriend.

  ‘Oh, Ellie, don’t be silly, of course you will,’ she’d said.

  ‘No, Mum, I won’t. I don’t want a boyfriend because I have a girlfriend. Her name is Laura and we’re in love.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Mum said. ‘You’re only sixteen. You don’t know what love is.’ And with that she promptly burst into tears.

  Of course later she’d hugged Ellie tight and told her it didn’t matter whether she liked girls or boys, that she loved her no matter what. She’d said she’d cried because it was a shock, and because in her head she’d always imagined being mother-of-the-bride and becoming a granny, but those things didn’t really matter, what mattered was that Ellie was loved and that she was happy.

  At the time Ellie had been relieved that it had all gone so well. She hadn’t thought too much up to that point about the impact her sexuality would have on her ability to procreate, and although her mother’s words briefly perturbed her, she was sixteen and had bigger worries than whether or not she’d be able to have some theoretical baby at some time down the track. No, that was a problem for the future.

  Now the future was here and she was no closer to knowing the outcome. She and Jenn hadn’t talked much about having a family. Jenn was vocally pro reproductive rights for gay and lesbian couples, of course, but whether she saw herself as a parent was anybody’s guess.

  It would be difficult in their current situation. It wasn’t so much about Jenn’s job. It would be tricky but Ellie could manage on her own when she needed to. And financially there was really no reason for her to work. She could give up her job at the gallery tomorrow if she was needed to care for a child. No, the problem was with Jenn’s family. Jenn wasn’t out to them yet, although how they didn’t know was beyond Ellie. Jenn insisted on telling her parents she and Ellie were ‘flatmates’ and she never took Ellie with her when she went to visit. Jenn’s sexual status was well known in political circles and occasionally had even been mentioned in the media in relation to the government’s stance on marriage equality, but her parents were elderly and English was not their first language, so she managed to get away with it.

  Jenn had always argued that her parents were too frail to cope with such news and what good would it do anyway? But Ellie knew Jenn’s mother was constantly at her to settle down and have children. She wanted to be a grandmother before she died and as an only child, Jenn was it. Maybe if Ellie and Jenn had a child Jenn’s mother would be happy, although for her mother to accept the child perhaps Jenn would have to be the one to carry it.

  Ellie frowned and her hand drifted to rest on her stomach. In her motherhood fantasy she was the one whose belly grew full with child, who laboured bravely and gave birth heroically. It was her breast the newborn was placed on, all the time Jenn gazing at her adoringly, grateful for the precious gift Ellie had bestowed upon her.

  Besides, she couldn’t imagine Jenn allowing her slender body to be stretched and softened by a child. And heaven forbid there be any side effects like morning sickness or heartburn. Jenn was way too busy to suffer that sort of inconvenience. No, there was no way Jenn would be the incubator. It would be Ellie or there would be no baby. Which didn’t help solve the problem of giving Jenn’s parents a grandchild. What about an egg transfer – Jenn’s fertilised egg in her body? Was that even possible? Did fertility clinics do that? Another thing for her to add to the list of things to research.

  ‘Are you okay, Ellie?’ Mezz asked, her face creased with concern.

  ‘What? Yes, sure. Why?’

  ‘You’re clutching your belly. I thought you might feel unwell.’

  Ellie gazed down at her stomach. ‘Oh.’ She laughed. ‘No, just full, I guess.’

  ‘Really?’ Jewels asked. ‘You’ve only had one piece of pizza.’

  ‘But we had all those nibblies before dinner. Besides, I’m pretty sure I saw you baking earlier. Am I wrong in thinking you’ve made something for dessert?’

  Jewels grinned. ‘Cannoli. Made according to my Nonna’s special recipe. These are one of my specialties and they fly out the door at the shop.’

  Mezz put down the piece of pizza she’d just lifted from the plate. ‘Jewels, I swear, I’m going to have to buy new pants to drive home in if you keep this up. I feel like I’m gaining a kilo every hour.’

  ‘Pfft,’ said Jewels. ‘We’ll go for a big walk tomorrow to burn off the calories. This weekend is all about celebrating and I refuse to think about calories while I’m here.’

  ‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Kat.

  Jewels lifted her glass. ‘Good idea, Kat. Let’s have a toast.’

  ‘Hang on,’ said Mezz. ‘Let me top everyone’s glass up first.’ She grabbed the bottle of Chandon from the ice bucket in the middle of the table and began to pour. When she was done she asked, ‘What will we drink to?’

  Ellie knew exactly what to say. ‘No bloody dieting for three whole days.’

  And they all cheered before taking a sip.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kat stared up at the ceiling, waiting in vain for sleep to come. At home when she couldn’t sleep she got up, made herself a cup of tea and watched a little TV until she dropped off on the couch. But she couldn’t do that here. She might wake one of the others.

  She had a headache partially from consuming too much champagne – these women sure knew how to put it away – but mainly from all the crying. When she was with the others she could pretend that everything was all right, that she and Ami were just away on a holiday. But in her room with her little girl the reality came crashing back. They were alone in the world. On Sunday they would fly back home to nothing. To nobody.

  In the past twenty-four hours she’d swung between being heartbroken, furious, accepting and back to heartbroken again. Right now she was teetering on the edge of furious, hence her inability to sleep. Way back when she’d told Josh she was pregnant she’d told him she expected nothing. ‘Walk away,’ she said. ‘I won’t hold it against you.’

  But he hadn’t. He’d insisted on staying, on being part of Ami’s life. She’d told him that if he chose to stay, that was it, he was making a commitment to his child for life. He’d readily agreed. Said he wouldn’t have it any other way.

  And now he was on the other side of the country, in another woman’s bed.

  Despite telling herself that the when and how and who didn’t really matter, she’d spent some time looking at the calendar, working out exactly when it had started. Josh had unwittingly given her some clues, mentioning the cold weather and saying how he’d met the woman after she asked him for help when her tent got flooded during a massive storm. Kat remembered the storms in the days before Ami’s birth, because she’d been afraid the road out of Emerald River would be cut and she wouldn’t make it to the hospital. She had no way of pr
oving it but her gut told her this was when it started. The bastard was screwing around on her the day Ami was born.

  She thought back to the day she’d gone into labour. It was lunchtime on a Friday, two weeks before her due date. Josh hadn’t answered any of her calls and in the end she’d had to call an ambulance to take her to hospital. She left half a dozen texts for him and a note on the fridge. For three hours she’d laboured alone, with only the sympathetic but busy midwives for comfort. Eventually he’d run into the room with a stricken expression, worried that he was too late.

  Or was it guilt she saw on his face?

  At the time he’d begged her forgiveness, saying they were at a job out of town and out of mobile range. Of course she’d believed him. She had no reason not to. At the time she’d laughed – between contractions – and said at least they’d have a funny story to tell the baby when she grew up.

  Now she stewed on the thought that he wasn’t out working to provide for his family, but fucking some backpacker in a motel or camping ground while she sweated and bled and shat all over the delivery table. How could he? And how could she have been so blind? Josh hadn’t touched Kat again until Ami was over three months old. He kept telling her he didn’t want to rush her, and that he was happy to wait. At the time she’d thought how considerate he was. But of course he was happy to leave her alone when he was getting what he needed elsewhere. Right now, she understood how one could be driven to murder.

  She sighed and rolled over so she was facing Ami sleeping in the cot beside her. In the dim light she could still make out her daughter’s perfect form, her tiny hand clutching Molly, the little mouse Mrs P had given her when she was born. No matter what else happened, Ami’s happiness was her number one priority. Josh was Ami’s dad. There was no changing that. He was in her life, had been there from the start, so now it was up to Kat to work out how the two of them could parent her without causing her pain.

  Last night she’d been grief stricken, and a little bit drunk. She hadn’t thought to ask the right questions. She was too busy reeling from the shock of what she’d just been told. So today, when Ami was sleeping, she’d taken her phone and headed off on a walk along the waterfront. Once she was certain she couldn’t be seen from the house, she’d called Josh, willing him to pick up and miraculously he did. Her pulse thrummed in her throat as she pictured him still in bed – it was late morning in WA – his new lover naked beside him. ‘Where are you?’ she’d asked and was stupidly relieved at his answer.

  ‘I’m in the car. On my way to get a few groceries.’

  ‘Is she with you?’

  ‘No, Nikki’s at work.’

  So Nikki was the name of the woman who’d ruined their lives. Kat wondered what Ami would think of her, what she’d call her, if Ami would grow up thinking of her as another mother. The thought of another woman parenting her child made her throat go dry. She swallowed but her voice was still raspy when she spoke. ‘We need to sort a few things out, Josh. How is this going to work?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You have responsibilities. In case you’ve forgotten, you have a daughter. Ami loves you, Josh. No matter what happens between you and me you can’t just walk away from her.’

  ‘I know that,’ he said softly.

  ‘So what’s the plan? How do you envisage spending time with her? Are you still planning on supporting her?’

  ‘Of course I am,’ he replied, his tone indignant.

  ‘Well, how’s that going to work? She can hardly fly out there to you by herself, can she? And even if I wanted to I can’t be taking time off work to bring her to you.’

  ‘I know that. I guess I’ll come see her.’

  ‘Yeah? How’s that going to work? Because you’re not staying with me.’

  He sighed heavily. ‘I realise that. I’ll work something out. Look, Kat, I’m sorry this has happened, really I am. I didn’t plan it. It just happened. But I’m not coming back to you, so don’t try to use Ami as a bargaining tool.’

  In the cool dark room Kat felt her face flush with anger as she replayed those words. How dare he accuse her of using Ami? Ami was always her first priority. Always. If it weren’t for her precious baby girl she wouldn’t bother speaking to him. In fact she’d be happy never to hear his lying, cheating voice again. And she’d told him so before hanging up in his ear.

  This sort of instability was the very opposite of what she’d hoped for her daughter. Her dream for Ami had been fairly simple – two parents, a house with a backyard (one that they owned and couldn’t be turfed out of), an education, and maybe a dog. That was it. And she’d worked so hard to make that happen. She scrimped and saved, putting away as much money as possible each week to go towards a deposit on a little house. She’d dreamed of becoming a teacher, so that she’d be a good role model to her daughter. It would be the perfect job for her. She loved children and couldn’t think of anything better than helping them reach their full potential. And once Ami went to school they’d have the same holidays, which would work out perfectly. Now that dream was gone. Without Josh’s income, she’d scrape by, but barely. There would be no savings left over for her house. As for doing a uni course? She could kiss that dream goodbye. She’d have to find extra work just to make sure they weren’t living in poverty. There’d be no time, let alone money, for study. She really had no idea how she would make this work.

  But she knew one thing. She would never let Ami down, the way she’d been let down by her own mother.

  She clearly remembered the day she realised she was not her mother’s first priority. She’d brought home a note for her mother to sign. It was a permission form for the school swimming carnival. She’d been her age group champion the year before, winning all of her races, and had gone on to represent the school at the regional meet. But this year Adnan was her stepfather and he tore the note from her mother’s hands.

  ‘You must stay home that day,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘This is not suitable for a young lady.’

  ‘But I have to go. My house is depending on me. Mum let me swim last year.’

  ‘Last year you were not my daughter. I try to be understanding, Katia, because I know you have not had the benefit of your father’s wisdom these past few years, but this I will not allow. It is indecent.’

  Kat spun around to look at her mother. ‘Mum,’ she implored. ‘Tell him. Tell him I’m allowed.’

  Her mother lowered her eyes. ‘Listen to your father, Katia.’

  ‘He’s not my father,’ she said, hot tears blinding her eyes. ‘And I wish you weren’t my mother.’

  Her relationship with her mother had deteriorated from there. From the time Adnan had joined the family things had started to change. Her mother now wore a hijab to please her new husband and she encouraged Kat to do the same. Kat thought it was a ridiculous and outdated custom but made a show of dressing modestly and wearing a hijab when leaving the house in order to keep the peace. (Although she was careful to remove it before she arrived at school.) She’d even accompanied her mother to the mosque on a number of occasions. Not anymore. Now her dress style became deliberately provocative. She ignored her curfew and plastered her face with makeup.

  Her uncle intervened, trying to make her see that her mother and Adnan had her best interests at heart. But Kat knew that wasn’t true. Adnan would prefer it if she didn’t exist. As for her mother, she didn’t want to be alone in this strange country. She relied on her husband for comfort and protection. Maybe she loved Kat, but right now her daughter was a liability.

  No matter what, Kat would never view Ami that way. Her child would always come first, and she would find a way for Ami to have all the things she needed without anyone else’s help. She would never let a man come between the two of them. She would protect Ami from the world’s ugliness the best she could. If Ami couldn’t have both of her parents then Kat would make up for that.
/>   She was strong, wasn’t she? Before Ami came along she’d been on her own since she was a teenager, and she’d managed okay. This next phase in her life was no exception. So, it wasn’t going to be the dream life she’d imagined for Ami. It would still be better than the childhood Kat had suffered through. She’d make sure of that. Ami would always have a mother who loved her and that was the most important thing.

  ★

  Unlike the day before, Mezz woke feeling refreshed on Saturday morning. She’d slept like a log, and for about ten hours it seemed. A quick check of the time showed it was almost ten o’clock. It was the latest she’d slept in years. Last night’s movie marathon had done them all a world of good. Kat had laughed along with them. She’d had a couple of teary moments, but overall she appeared to be coping well. Quite frankly, Mezz was amazed at her strength.

  She wanted to quiz Kat more about Josh’s behaviour in the previous months. Had there been signs? Clearly if there had, Kat hadn’t seen them, or had explained them away. She’d mentioned the sex not being the same, which was a worry. Sex had become something of a rarity in Mezz’s life, too. Either she was too tired, or Sean was already asleep when she came to bed. In the early days of their marriage if more than a couple of nights went by without any action in bed for some reason, they’d both be tearing each other’s clothes off at the first available chance. These days, weeks could go by before one or the other of them made an attempt to rectify the situation. Maybe it was a sign that something bigger was going on? And if so, what did she do about that? Apart from lose weight of course.

  She needed to try harder in the romance department. Once upon a time she’d taken pride in seducing Sean. Even after the boys were born and things started to get hectic, she’d still found the time to put on a lacy bra and matching undies, or at the very least a sexy negligee before they made love. Now she went to bed in a giant-sized New York Yankees t-shirt. Years ago when they’d been on holidays in the States she’d accidentally picked up the wrong sized shirt. She’d laughed at the size of it when she’d removed the packaging at home.