The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  Hope you’re not feeling too low, Ellie. I’m on my own so feel free to give me a call if you feel lonely today.

  Enjoy your picnic, Kat, and Jewels, I hope you and Matt are doing something wildly romantic.

  Love from Mezz x

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Ellie

  Thanks for the Valentine’s wishes, Kat and Jewels. Mezz, you are so kind to offer to chat to me! Jenn and I were never ones to celebrate the day so to be honest today hasn’t been too bad at all. I’m having such a lazy day. It’s after midday and I’m still in bed. Leonard, my cat, thinks it’s Christmas!

  Jenn has gone. She flew out late last night. Maybe it just hasn’t sunk in yet, but I don’t feel sad. In fact I don’t feel anything. Actually, that’s not true. I feel something but I’m not sure how to describe it. Untethered perhaps? I feel like I don’t belong anywhere right now and I’m not sure if that’s terrifying or liberating. Maybe a little of both.

  I have made a few decisions about what I might do, though. I’m going to pack up my non-essentials into boxes so that I’m ready to move at short notice. The furniture was mostly Jenn’s, so there’s not much to move. She left me a couch, the kitchen table and chairs, and a bed. She offered to let me keep all her furniture seeing as she was moving overseas, but I told her to get rid of it: I didn’t want to be saddled with all her unwanted belongings. I plan on donating what’s here to charity when I leave, because the flat I have in the UK is furnished. So I’m pretty well sorted. The only thing I haven’t quite found a solution for is what I might do with the cat.

  I have a decent amount of money saved up. When Jenn and I were a couple I always figured we would buy a house together, so I put money aside for that. Now that’s no longer an option I’ve decided I’m going to spend some of it on a trip. I’d like to see a bit more of Australia and to visit all of you, if you’ll have me. I’d really like to spend some decent time with each of you before I head back to the northern hemisphere, and it would be fabulous if we could organise another group get-together before I leave. I know that might be tricky, but I’m just putting it out there so you can give the idea some thought.

  Kat, I know your life is super busy right now, but I was wondering if you feel like a having a visitor? I would so love to see your part of the world and would happily find accommodation in town. If now isn’t a good time, I’ll understand. Just let me know!

  Cheers,

  E x

  Ellie pressed send and closed her laptop. It was a beautiful sunny day in Canberra and she’d been lazing around all morning. Time to get out and fill her lungs with some fresh air. Leonard gave her the evil eye as she threw back the covers. ‘Sorry, puss, but it’s time to get up.’

  The cat bounded off the bed and headed to the kitchen, miaowing and looking pointedly at the fridge. Apparently he’d forgotten the seven a.m. breakfast Ellie had fed him after he’d repeatedly sat on her head. She knew she shouldn’t give in and feed him again, but his persistence got the better of her and she caved. ‘Okay, okay, you can have a little more.’

  The problem of what to do with Leonard wasn’t one she’d solved yet. Technically he was Jenn’s cat, but Ellie had fallen in love with him on sight and the feeling was mutual. As much as she’d like to keep him she knew it wasn’t possible. She didn’t even have any idea where she was going to live when she got back to the UK. It would depend on where she picked up a job. She could end up in Paris or Amsterdam, so she wasn’t prepared to give notice to the tenants in the flat she owned. Right now their rent was the only income she had. Leonard was going to need a new home. And if she was going to travel before heading back to England, she probably should set about finding him one sooner rather than later. The only solution Ellie could think of was to surrender him to an animal shelter, but just the thought of that broke her heart. How could she do that? Clearly Jenn had been untroubled by Leonard’s fate. She left without mentioning it.

  She decided to put it out of her mind for today. It was Sunday, her first day of total freedom. Jenn was gone, work was done, and the sun was shining. She wasn’t going to bring herself down by thinking about something sad. Instead she was going to take herself off for a walk and a coffee. And maybe some cake as well.

  She hadn’t had the heart to tell the others but Ellie had given up trying to lose weight for now. And maybe forever. It was an idea that was slowly growing on her.

  It had started when she’d arrived back in Canberra and decided to make good on her New Year’s promise to herself to take up yoga. Now that she didn’t have to accommodate Jenn’s ever-changing schedule she had more free time on her hands and yoga was something she’d always thought she’d like. The trouble was she didn’t really own any suitable clothing. After consulting her blog friends she discovered online was the best place to look for plus-sized exercise gear. Somehow in her quest to find appropriate workout attire she stumbled on what she now knew to be a Fat Acceptance blog. At first her fascination with this world was purely incredulous. Who on earth would be happy to be as overweight as she was? Surely these women knew their fat was killing them? But the more she read, the more she began to question that position. She read academic articles written by medical doctors refuting that all fat people were inherently unhealthy. Could that possibly be true? She wanted to ask Mezz her opinion, but given the fact that Mezz had just signed on for weight loss surgery, it hardly seemed the right time.

  She wasn’t sure where she stood on the health aspect, but she did know one thing. Dieting wasn’t the answer for her – well not unless the question was, ‘Do you want to be permanently miserable?’ Ellie decided to adopt a life of healthful eating. Not ‘healthy eating’ because that phrase brought with it connotations that some foods were bad and must be avoided. Ellie had decided that healthful eating wasn’t about deprivation. She would eat foods that made her feel good and do exercise that she enjoyed. She would think about movement in terms of the pleasure it gave her, rather than in terms of how many calories it might burn. She would not think about calories at all. She would remind herself daily of all the wonderful things her body did each day. It moved without pain, it breathed, talked, sang and danced. It was amazing, and she would treat it with the respect it deserved, not the disdain she’d been heaping upon it for the past few years.

  She felt good about this decision. After all, the numbers on the scale had no bearing on what type of person she was. And how she looked was nobody’s business but her own. She wished she could share this enlightenment with Mezz, Kat and Jewels, but perhaps Fat Acceptance was the type of thing a person had to come to on their own.

  ★

  Ellie returned from her long walk a little after four. Leonard was lazing in a sunny spot by the window and didn’t even bother to look up when she entered the apartment, her cheeks burning from the exertion and the sun. ‘Oh Lenny, how can I give you up?’ she said to his sleeping form. A thought flitted through her mind. If she stayed in Australia she could keep Leonard. There wasn’t any real reason for her to go back to London. She could go anywhere she liked.

  Really? Was she really going to choose where to spend the next part of her life because of a cat? Don’t be ridiculous, Ellie.

  Of course she would be going back to London. Her family was there and all her friends. Although she had to admit seeing her friends while she was there for Christmas hadn’t really worked out as she’d planned. There was a sort of awkwardness between them now. With no shared work or cultural experiences to draw on, the easy repartee they’d once enjoyed was gone. But she was stressed about her relationship at the time, which hadn’t helped, and surely once she was working in London again they’d fall back into their old patterns easily enough?

  Or maybe not. ‘You’ve changed so much,’ her friend Carmen had said over drinks.

  Ellie laughed. ‘Yeah, I’ve gained two stone.’

  ‘You look perfectly fine,’ Carmen said, kindly. �
�But that’s not what I mean. You speak differently, you seem less intense or something. I don’t know . . .’

  Ellie had changed the subject. With her relationship in tatters she’d never felt less relaxed in her life. She’d figured Carmen was reacting to her physical appearance and her lack of interest in gallery politics. It was hard to be outraged at people she didn’t know of or to care about exhibitions she had no part in.

  But now she wondered if Carmen was right after all. Perhaps she had been changed by her time here. What if she didn’t fit in at home anymore? But if she stayed here what would she do? She’d quit her job already and it wasn’t like there was an abundance of positions in the field here in Australia. Maybe she could look for a position in Melbourne or Sydney. She really had no idea if that was something she wanted or not. But there was no real urgency for her to make a decision. She had enough money saved to buy her a bit of breathing space. She couldn’t afford to be unemployed indefinitely but she’d done the sums and discovered that she could comfortably last another six months or so without a job. Of course, if it took that long to find work she’d be totally skint, but the knowledge that she had a little time up her sleeve to work out her future direction was comforting. Perhaps she’d have some sort of an epiphany on her travels. Which brought her right back to where she’d started. What to do with the cat?

  After changing out of her walking clothes, Ellie set about making herself a delicious dinner. She’d bought herself some salmon fillets, with a little extra for Leonard to stop him from harassing her whilst she cooked. She pan-fried the salmon and made herself a lemon sauce to accompany it. She steamed some asparagus and drizzled the sauce all over that too. Once she was done with her main, she pulled a mini tub of ice cream out of the freezer and sat herself down at the table with the laptop. Maybe one of the others would have a suggestion about what to do with the cat.

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Kat

  Hey Ellie, I would LOVE you to come for a visit. You can meet Ben and Tia and Miranda. I’ve talked so much about you all to my new friends, I know they’d all love to meet you. There’s absolutely no need for you to stay at the caravan park. My place is small but there’s enough room for one more. Ami will be delighted to have a houseguest.

  When do you want to come? The sooner the better, I say!

  Had a fantastic day with Ben. I’m still full and we finished eating hours ago! He cooked steak on the barbecue and made all these amazing salads AND a flourless orange cake! Can you believe it? Honestly, sometimes I forget that he’s supposed to be a toy boy and I think he might be a keeper!

  BTW, Jewels, I’d love a sample of your nutritional products if you don’t mind. I think you have my address already but if not please let me know.

  Kat xo

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Ellie

  Kat, that’s so kind of you! Are you sure you don’t mind me staying with you?

  I’d love to leave here tomorrow if I could but I have a few things I need to do first. I’m going to pack up the apartment and I also need to find a home for my cat. I’m going to be so sad to let him go, but I really don’t have any other option. I think I’m going to have to surrender him to a shelter, unless any of you have a better idea?

  Ellie x

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Jewels

  Kat, I’m convinced you’ll love the stuff and you’ll feel so much better on it once you start.

  Happy to send out samples to you all if you want them?

  Mezz, there are some protein-rich meal replacements that would be perfect for you while your body is still healing from surgery. And some supplements too that will help with reducing the scar tissue. The products help with toxin removal, which should help your skin bounce back and reduce any loose skin as you lose weight. All the ingredients are natural and sourced from the highest-quality producers, so you can be assured that everything you’re ingesting is good for you.

  Ellie, this stuff is so portable. It’d be great to keep you healthy and energised while you’re travelling. Honestly, I can’t tell you how amazing I feel since I’ve started doing the program one hundred per cent. I’ve got Matt on it too. He says he feels fabulous and he’s dropped five kilos already. You have no idea how much money we’re saving on groceries. We just have to buy a small box of fruit and veggies each week and that’s it. All our other nutrition is delivered to our door.

  Anyway, if you want samples let me know! Must get back to my man. It is the day of love after all!

  Jewels xox

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Kat

  Wow, Jewels, I can’t wait to try this stuff. I had a quick look on the website, though, and it looks kind of expensive to me . . .

  Ellie, what sort of cat is it? I’d love to get a pet for Ami. I think a cat would be perfect as they’re low maintenance. Send me the details and a photo if you can and I’ll let you know what I think.

  I really need to get off here and give Ami her bath.

  Catch you all soon.

  Kat x

  FAT CHAT | Sunday Feb. 14 2016 | Ellie

  Oh Kat, I think you’ll love Leonard. I’ll text you a photo and some details!

  Jewels, thanks for the offer of the products, but I think I’m good doing what I’m doing right now.

  Cheers

  E x

  Kat taking Leonard would be the perfect solution to her problem. At least if Leonard was with Kat she could see photos of him and she’d know he was well cared for.

  She walked over to the couch where his royal highness was currently sleeping and sat beside him. ‘Well, Lenny, my boy, we may just have found you a new home. And I think it’s one you’re going to like very much. What do you think about that?’

  Leonard yawned, stood up, and briefly sharpened his claws on the couch before jumping on to her lap.

  Ellie knew it was ridiculous but she allowed herself to cry. First fat tears rolled down her cheeks and then she began to sob. ‘Oh baby, I’m going to miss you so much,’ she said as she picked Lenny up and buried her face in his soft fur.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  FAT CHAT | Saturday March 5 2016 | Kat

  Ellie has just sent me a text saying she’s only an hour away! I’m so excited I can barely contain myself. I gave myself the morning off gym and did a few extra yoga poses at home instead. I’ve cleaned my unit from top to bottom and dressed Ami in her cutest outfit. Now all that’s left to do is wait. I thought I’d pass the time by writing a post.

  Jewels, I tried the sample products you sent me. Thanks so much for your generosity, but they didn’t agree with me for some reason. I had to keep running to the toilet all day! I tried for a couple of days just to see if my system got used to them, but the situation got worse not better! I don’t think they’re the answer for me. Actually, I showed the product to Ben, who has done a course in nutrition, and he said this stuff is filled with additives that are either unproven or not good for you. He said you would be better off going to your local health food store and getting a protein powder product from them. He’s offered to give you some suggestions if you like. Apparently there are options that are a lot cheaper than the products you’re using now. Of course you’d still need to be eating some fresh foods as well. Ben would be happy to design an eating plan for you. He really knows his stuff, Jewels, so let me know if you want his help.

  My weight is actually pretty good right now. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight, which is fantastic because I can fit back into all my favourite clothes. I’ve still got a little potbelly, which I’m hoping will disappear eventually. I’m certainly working on my core strength and Tia (from the gym) says eventually my muscles there will tone up.

  I think I’ve got to the bottom of why I feel so tired all the time. I went to the holistic health clinic during the week. Tia recommended one of the practitioners there. She’s a trained naturopath, but I th
ink she might be a medical doctor too. Anyway, she was great. Very thorough, not trying to rush me out the door like the GP always does. So after she talked to me she decided I was suffering from adrenal fatigue. She said it’s very common. She’s advised me to cut back on my gym sessions and to replace them with yoga and meditation. I was a bit worried that I’d start putting the weight back on but she assured me that with the diet I’m eating now – about eighty per cent Paleo – I should be fine. She also said I don’t have to give up the gym forever, just cut back for a month or two until I feel better. She’s also given me a couple of supplements to take. She said it’s very common for mothers of young children to suffer from adrenal fatigue. It comes from all the sleep deprivation and running around! But she said most of her patients start to feel better within the first three weeks of treatment, which sounds good to me! Anyway, the stuff she’s given me to take is all natural so I figure it can’t hurt, right?

  Okay, Ellie should be here any minute now so I’d better just do a last minute check to make sure everything’s perfect. I so wish you two were coming too. We must organise a meet-up for a bit later in the year.

  Kat xxx

  Before Kat could close the laptop she heard a car horn tooting in her driveway. She let out a whoop and scooped a wide-eyed Ami up into her arms. ‘Come on, beba. Aunty Ellie is here!’ She raced out the front door with Ami on her hip and as soon as Ellie opened the car door she lost control and squealed again. ‘Ellie! I’m so glad to see you.’

  Ellie grinned as she closed the car door. ‘You are so good for my ego, Kat. I swear I should take you with me everywhere.’

  They hugged and kissed and then Ellie remembered Leonard, asleep in his travel cage on the back seat of the car. She retrieved him and Kat immediately fell in love with his sweet little face.