The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  It hadn’t taken long and had been more painful than she’d anticipated, but the deed was done and she was no longer a virgin. Of course Tony dropped her the very next day. But as anticipated there was a long line of boys now asking for her phone number.

  It was two months before the nausea kicked in and her breasts became painful to touch. Sam had told her she couldn’t get pregnant if they did it right after her period, before she ovulated, and Kat had been careful to time her deflowering to coincide with the first part of her cycle as she knew that boys like Tony cared little about minor details like condoms. But somehow she’d mucked it up. A pregnancy test from the chemist confirmed her worst fears.

  She had no idea what to do, who to turn to. She thought about talking to Mrs Christie, her English teacher, who’d helped her family before. But Mrs Christie would be forced to tell her mum and Adnan, and she was terrified to think what might come of that situation. Sam had helped her research ways she could get rid of the baby, but before she’d had a chance to try any her mother had confronted her stony-faced, the discarded pregnancy test in her hand.

  Her mother had slapped her face and cried before telling her not to say anything to Adnan. A few days later she handed Kat a wad of cash and a folded up piece of paper with a name and address scrawled on it. She told Kat it was the name of a doctor who helped ‘fallen girls’. Then she kissed her and told her to take care of herself.

  Kat never saw her mother again.

  She’d gone to the clinic and had the procedure as instructed, but when it was done, instead of feeling relieved she felt dirty. And betrayed. Her mother was supposed to protect her and comfort her. Instead she’d sent her off to a backyard clinic where she was treated like a slut. Her mother hadn’t even accompanied her to make sure she was all right. Instead of going home she went to Sam’s. She waited until she knew her mother would be at the mosque before sneaking in and packing a bag. She didn’t bother to leave a note.

  All these years later and the same feelings of shame washed over her.

  Falling pregnant accidentally once was understandable, especially as she was so young at the time. Twice bordered on stupidity. Even though Ami was a much loved baby, she definitely hadn’t been planned.

  Three times was inexcusable.

  Ben knew about her past, or at least about Ami. What would he think if she told him it had happened again? That she was an idiot. Or worse, that she was a manipulative woman looking to lasso herself a husband.

  She needed to get her hands on a pregnancy test, but the chemist in town wasn’t open on Sundays. She looked at her reflection in the full-length mirror on the back of her bedroom door. She looked about four months pregnant at least. And that simply wasn’t possible. She’d started sleeping with Ben about two months ago. And she hadn’t missed a period although, come to think of it, her last few periods had been quite light. She’d read somewhere about a woman who went into labour without knowing she was pregnant. She was on the pill and had continued to have light periods all throughout her pregnancy. So it was possible.

  Her thoughts started to spiral out of control. If she was only around two months along it wasn’t too late to consider her options. Maybe she was big because she was having twins, or because she was older and had been pregnant before? Oh fuck. What the hell was she thinking? No matter how far along she was, no matter if she was carrying one baby or three, an abortion wasn’t an option. She couldn’t put herself through that again.

  Kat forced herself to take a few deep breaths. There was nothing she could do about this until tomorrow. Today she would enjoy her time with Ellie. First thing tomorrow she’d head into town and get a pregnancy test.

  Right now she was going to greet the day with some yoga and meditation as soon as she’d had her warm water and lemon juice and a quick check of the blog; in other words, completed her normal morning ritual. As the kettle boiled she started up her laptop and quickly opened the blog.

  FAT CHAT | Saturday March 5 2016 | Mezz

  Hi all,

  Hopefully Ellie is now safe and sound at your place, Kat. I’m sure the two of you will have a wonderful time together. I so wish I was there too!

  Kat, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I really think you should go back to your doctor and order some blood tests. There are loads of conditions that could be causing your fatigue, but adrenal fatigue is not one of them. I’m sorry to tell you it’s not a real medical condition. It’s become the latest ‘trendy condition’ for alternative medical practitioners to diagnose, but honestly, your adrenal glands simply cannot become fatigued. It’s not possible. Please go back to your GP and insist on some blood tests. If your GP refuses I would try a different doctor even if it means travelling to another town. Or if you have further questions I’m always happy to chat on the phone.

  I’ve had a pretty restful day here with no kids to worry about. I am feeling a bit lonely though. It’s weird when the house is so quiet. I ended up making the dog sit on the couch next to me while I watched The Sound of Music on DVD. I don’t think she appreciated my singing! Anyway, it’s time for Stella and me to go to bed.

  Mezz x

  Kat’s blood boiled. She might not have a medical degree but she wasn’t bloody stupid. She’d done her own research on adrenal fatigue and after reading tonnes of anecdotal reports and explanations from various practitioners – including some integrative doctors with medical degrees – she was convinced adrenal fatigue was very real. What was it about these science types that they forgot that everything in modern medicine was just an unproven theory at one point in time? Maybe adrenal fatigue wasn’t the cause of her exhaustion – the thing she was trying not to think about would account for that – but that didn’t mean it didn’t exist. And it didn’t give Mezz the right to treat her as if she was an idiot, just because she had a different take on the issue.

  With her heart hammering in her chest, Kat began to type.

  FAT CHAT | Sunday March 6 2016 | Kat

  Good morning everyone. Ellie and Ami are still asleep so I thought I’d check-in here while I have my morning water.

  Mezz, I’m sorry, but I think you are being overly rigid in your stance on adrenal fatigue. I’m not naïve. I have done some research (happy to send you the links if you like). Just because there’s not conclusive proof that adrenal fatigue is real doesn’t mean it isn’t. It just means it’s still unproven. I think perhaps you need to do some more reading before you pass judgement on me.

  I’m off to do some yoga before Ellie gets up.

  Kat

  She’d wanted to confess her pregnancy fear on the blog, but Mezz’s preaching had put an end to that. Of course if she was pregnant the fatigue would be explained and Mezz could bask in the fact that she was right, but there was no way Kat was giving her that satisfaction today.

  Hot angry tears pricked at her eyes. Just fifteen minutes ago she’d been blissfully happy. Was it too much to ask that her life be drama-free? Hadn’t she already been dealt her fair share of bad luck in this life? Surely it wasn’t too much to expect that it was her turn to be happy for once.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  FAT CHAT | Sunday March 6 2016 | Jewels

  Hi all,

  Good to hear you’ve arrived safe and sound, Ellie. When you see this can you shoot me a text to let me know when you think you might be heading this way? Sofia is due any day now and I’ll probably end up with the other three kids for at least part of the time she’s in hospital. Hopefully that’ll happen while you’re still at Kat’s. It’s no drama for us if you end up here at the same time as the kids (they have their own separate bedroom so there’s plenty of room), I’m just thinking it’ll be more pleasant for you if you come when they’re not here. But of course Matt and I will be delighted to see you at any time.

  Kat, sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but how is what Mezz said any different from the little
lecture you gave me about my program? Like you, I’m not an idiot and I’ve done my research, but in my case the proof is in the pudding (or whatever that saying is!). I’ve lost almost ten kilos now and I feel fantastic. Even my dietitian is pleased with me. So I don’t care what anyone else thinks, including Ben, thanks very much.

  I think we all need to take a chill pill as far as giving each other advice goes. Obviously what works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for another. I LOVE my products and what they’re doing for my health. All I was trying to do was to share that with all of you, but if my program’s not for you, that’s fine. Feel free to give it a miss, but please don’t start telling me what I should be doing with my body.

  Jewels xox

  To say Jewels was pissed off with Kat was an understatement. Sofia’s baby was due any day and with each day that passed without her going into labour Jewels became more and more uptight. Of course everyone in the family was on high alert and all anyone could talk about was Sofia and the baby. Jewels wanted to be happy for her sister, and she knew eventually she would be, but right now the anticipation of the great event by all and sundry was making her feel anxious. Normally she’d lose herself in her work, but lately her interest in the business had begun to wane. Now she couldn’t really eat any of the cakes or other treats they made in the shop, she was beginning to wonder what value her business added to the world. Was she contributing to ‘the obesity crisis’ that the media continually banged on about, by creating almost irresistible treats? Her business wasn’t about lifting people up, or helping them to be their best selves. No, all her business did was make people fat.

  It was a dilemma she found herself pondering more and more with each kilogram that left her body. She made money from making people fat. Shannon, who first sold her the products, kept trying to convince her she could make a fortune doing the same. Shannon had left her part-time job and said she was already making double the salary she used to take home working at a local gift shop. She said the stuff sold itself. But letting go of Cupcakes and Cannoli after she’d spent so many years building it up, was a big step. One she wasn’t sure she was ready to take just yet. She’d thought about incorporating healthy food into the bakery, but there were loads of other cafés in the area that provided healthy choices and she couldn’t see herself breaking into that market in a convincing way. And she really wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be making big business decisions at the moment.

  Her weight loss had made no difference in the baby-making stakes so far. Her new doctor, a lovely gynaecologist recommended by Mezz, cautioned her to be patient, but it was hard when everywhere she looked people were popping out babies. Now that her body was finally releasing its fat she was ready to be pregnant. She’d really hoped that she’d conceive before Sofia’s baby came. It would be so much easier to welcome her new niece or nephew (Sofia wouldn’t tell her which) if she was incubating a little person in her womb. But she’d done a pregnancy test yesterday, which was negative of course, and today her period had arrived. So that was the end of that hope.

  She’d opened up the blog in the hope of confiding in her friends, only to discover a lecture from Kat about the most positive thing in her life right now. And as if that wasn’t enough, Kat had given Mezz a ticking off too. Mezz might have overstepped the mark a bit with the whole adrenal gland bit, but she was a doctor so what did Kat expect? Wasn’t Mezz bound by some oath to be honest in matters of medicine or something?

  In any case, Kat’s hissy fit meant for the first time ever the blog didn’t feel like a hospitable place.

  Her rant at Kat probably only served to make things worse. Maybe she shouldn’t have replied so hastily. But she was annoyed that the blog, usually her safe place to vent, felt hostile all of a sudden. Over the past six months she’d come to rely on her daily contact with her ‘blog sisters’. She felt closer to Ellie, Mezz and Kat than to anyone else outside her family and in the time they’d been friends there’d never been a cross word between them. Until now.

  But they were four very different individuals, without very much in common. What if the only thing binding them together was their fat?

  With every kilo that slipped away from their collective bodies, it seemed the bond between the four of them became a little looser. Maybe Ellie, Mezz and Kat were friends for a purpose and not friends for life?

  ★

  Despite having had a wonderful day with Kat and her friends, Ellie had an uneasy feeling in her stomach. Something was up with Kat, but she wasn’t sure what.

  Kat and Ami were having a short nap before dinner and Ellie was resting on the couch with a book and her laptop, but she couldn’t concentrate on reading, or even mindless net surfing. She was too busy worrying about what was going on with her friend.

  Kat’s love life seemed in pretty good nick. Ben was lovely, and very attractive if you were into the male of the species. He seemed to genuinely care about Kat. Ellie noticed all the little things he did for her throughout the day, setting up Ami’s pushchair, carrying the nappy bag, making sure Kat always had a drink in her hand. The list of little niceties went on and on. Whether the relationship was just a fling or something more substantial, Ellie had no doubt that Ben’s intentions were good and that he wouldn’t deliberately cause Kat pain.

  Kat’s friends were nice too. They were a relaxed bunch, easy to talk to and generally accepting. Ellie’s gaydar lit up when she met Tia. Kat hadn’t mentioned her trainer’s sexual persuasion, but Ellie was confident her assessment of Tia was on the money. Maybe Kat was unaware, or perhaps she just hadn’t thought to mention it. In any case, Ellie felt right at home amongst this eclectic group and she could see why Kat had been drawn to them.

  Despite everything in her life looking rosy, Kat hadn’t been her usual vivacious self at the pub. The sun was out, the food, wine and company were all great and the view of the ocean was magnificent. The day should have been perfect, but Kat was quiet and withdrawn. At different times during the afternoon both Ben and Ellie asked her if she was okay, to which Kat replied, ‘I’m fine. Just a little tired, that’s all.’ But Ellie wasn’t convinced. Kat seemed distracted and she barely ate a thing. In fact, she’d hardly eaten anything since Ellie’s arrival yesterday.

  Kat was loads thinner than the last time they’d been together. And she really did seem more tired than she should have been, although it wasn’t surprising that she had no energy considering how little she was eating. Ellie hadn’t commented on this – she knew how awful it was when others scrutinised every morsel you put in your mouth. She hadn’t commented too much on Kat’s weight loss either. Of course she’d mentioned it – it would have been weird not to, considering the way they’d met – but she’d tried to keep the body discussion to a minimum. Part of Ellie’s new resolution to be satisfied with herself and her body meant focusing on what bodies did, rather than on what they looked like. So instead of complimenting Kat on her weight loss, she’d talked about how impressed she was at Kat’s newfound love of the gym. But Kat wouldn’t accept any praise. She kept complaining yesterday about her potbelly and how no amount of exercising would shrink it. As far as Ellie could see, Kat’s stomach was perfectly normal for a woman who’d had a baby, and who had, until very recently, been overweight. Yes, it was a little rounded, but overall Kat had become quite thin and Ellie suspected that her protruding belly stood out mainly because of how slender Kat was everywhere else.

  The more she thought about it the more Ellie realised it was obvious what the real problem was. Kat had an eating disorder, or at the very least was developing one. It all made sense now – the lack of interest in food, the obsession with exercise and the distorted perception of her body. Ellie was confident she was right. Not that being right solved anything. She had no idea what to do to help. This problem was way outside her level of expertise. Should she confront Kat? Tell her she knew? Or would that only make things worse? Perhaps she shoul
d see if there was some way she could talk to Ben. Maybe the two of them could talk to Kat together, or come up with some plan to get her to eat some more. But even if that worked in the short term, there must be some underlying problem causing the issue and Ellie had no idea how to address that. She wondered if she, Mezz and Jewels had somehow contributed to Kat’s issues through their blog posts focusing on weight loss. What if she was partially to blame for Kat’s problem?

  She had to do something, but what? Mezz would know. This was a medical problem and Mezz was a doctor. She’d surely have some idea of what Ellie should do. She scribbled a quick note to Kat to say she’d gone for a walk, grabbed her phone and headed away from Kat’s unit as fast as her wobbly thighs would allow. After a couple of minutes she hit the beachside walking track. She followed it until she found a seat that looked out over the ocean. She sat and sent Mezz a text.

  Can u talk? Need advice urgently!

  Seconds later her phone began to buzz. ‘Hey, Mezz. Thanks for calling,’ she said.

  ‘Hi ya. What’s wrong? Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine, but I’m so worried about Kat and I just don’t know what to do.’

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Mezz, she’s lost so much weight. I know she’s been trying to but I’m wondering if she’s taken the whole thing just a little too far.’

  ‘How much weight?’

  ‘I don’t know exactly, but she’s skinny, Mezz. There’s barely anything of her.’

  ‘Does she look ill?’

  ‘No, not really. But she’s really tired, and she’s hardly eaten anything since I got here. And she seems obsessed with the size of her stomach. I don’t know if I’m overreacting, but I think she might have developed an eating disorder. What should I do?’

  There was a brief silence before Mezz answered. ‘Wow. Really? I guess it does kind of make sense. She has been talking lots about her weight and exercise over the past couple of months. I probably should have seen the warning signs, but I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems that I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.’