The Makeover

by Vacirca Vaughn

  So much for forgiveness, Phoenix seethed as she crossed her arms.

  “So you think ‘cause you drop a few pounds, and slap on some make up to cover that messed-up skin of yours, that means you’re perfect? You think everyone should come running after you?” San scowled. “I know you think everyone owes you something for not rescuing you, but I don’t. Besides, you should move on from all that. Cedric did,” she said in a sing-song voice.

  “What are you talking about now?” Phoenix asked, as her stomach muscles twisted and pulled.

  “Phoenix? Your food is here.” Cara, who had been listening, stood up, worried that she had advised her friend to go into a lion’s den.

  Phoenix glanced at her friend, who was trying to shake her head as subtly as possible. Phoenix ignored her.

  “What do you mean by that?” Phoenix prompted.

  “How’s Cedric?” Sandra asked, pursing her lips. “Oh, wait! How would you know?”

  “Come on, now” Nic interrupted, “we’ve known each other for too long to be—”

  “I wouldn’t know, why?” Phoenix said, trembling from the inside out.

  “Well, I happen to know how he’s doing. He and his girl came over the other night and—”

  Phoenix’s eyes began to twitch. “You had Cedric and his new girl at your house?”

  San threw up a careless shoulder. “And? You know my husband and Cedric are still cool. David invited his friend, who happened to bring his girlfriend. There’s—”

  “You mean to tell me that you hung out with the guy who broke my heart and the new girlfriend he cheated on me with in my house? Are you kidding me?” Phoenix fumed.

  “Well, it’s not like you’re still my friend anymore. You’ve made that clear since you never did know how to forgive folks for mistakes they make.”

  “Forgive folks? Why? Did those folks admit to those mistakes and apologize?”

  San shrugged. “Anyway, just because we’re not speaking doesn’t mean I can tell David who to spend time with.”

  “I can’t believe you, San.” Phoenix was trembling.

  “And I will tell you what I can’t believe. Shia? Cedric’s new girlfriend…oh did I say girlfriend? I meant fiancé. She is pregnant. And they are getting married in a month. She is moving out here permanently. Apparently she really helped Cedric get on his feet. He’s working now and talking about getting his bachelor’s degree in accounting. Since he works at Columbia, he can take classes for free. Yup. He got them a new place and he’s about to marry his pregnant fiancé.”

  “What?” Phoenix blanched as she held the table beside her. “What?” she asked again.

  Sandra flinched at the stark pain radiating from Phoenix’s eyes. She swallowed, unable to understand why she could not stop herself from jabbing her former best friend to make amends. She hesitated, but Satan was there to remind her that it was too late for their friendship anyway. He told San that all she had left was her self-respect and that she could not let Phoenix have the last word in the argument. So she cast away her rising feelings of doubt and remorse and threw on a cold smile. “It’s sad, though, how you spent two years taking care of that grown man like he was your son. Then, in less than six months, after meeting that girl, he does a complete about-face. I mean, I remember him telling you he didn’t want any more kids! Wow, it’s amazing what a man will do with the right motivation. I guess a man will do just about anything to keep the woman he really wants…if he truly loves her for real.”

  “San,” Nic stared at her friend. “Why are you acting like this? Stop all that.”

  “Naw. Your girl came over here to show off how fly she is, yet her ex-fiancé has gotten another woman pregnant. I guess your new body didn’t stop him from wanting to marry the girl he left you for. Hmmm. Maybe a few more months in the gym and he’ll change his mind about you.” Dismissing Phoenix with her eyes, San picked the menu back up and looked at Nic. “What are you getting?”

  Phoenix clenched her fists. “You know what, San? You’re a heartless bi—”

  But her words were cut off by Cara’s hand on her arm. She waved at the table and pulled at Phoenix’s arm. “Phoenix? We have to go. I’m sorry, but I have to leave. You’re food’s been wrapped up and I paid for us. Let’s go, okay?”

  Phoenix stared at Cara, who was pleading with her with her eyes. She wanted to grab Sandra and choke her for the way she had crushed her spirit, for the way San had taken her effort to talk to them and had used it against her. She wanted to curse Nicola out for not sticking up for her. But she had lost all her strength.

  Phoenix blinked back her tears and stared at San for a moment before allowing a smile to cover her trembling lips. “Okay, well thank you for the news. I wish them all the happiness. Anyway, my friend here has to go. I hope you enjoy the rest of your lunch.”

  She turned and walked over to their table to retrieve her coat, purse, and doggie bag. Without another look, she followed Cara out of the restaurant.

  As they walked back to their block in silence, Phoenix’s head spun. It was all she could do to keep from vomiting.

  When they reached their building, Cara pulled Phoenix into a hug. “Are you okay?” she asked in a gentle voice.

  Phoenix pulled away and stared at Cara for a moment, struggling to get her anger under control, but she found that she could not. Cara was her only friend, but she had gotten Phoenix into that mess and needed to know it. “So you still want to talk to me about moving forward and forgiveness?”

  Cara sighed. “I know that was hard. Maybe God allowed that to happen in order to confirm that it is definitely time to let everything with Cedric go. I’m am sorry that—”

  “For what? For causing me to make a fool of myself? For putting me in the position to receive news that will set me back weeks? If I had just left things alone, and minded my business, I’d be feeling good right now. Instead I do what you said and make a fool of myself. And my used-to-be-best friend basically took a knife that was already in my heart and shoved it back in, in a new place. Why couldn’t you just leave me be, Cara?”

  “I know you’re upset, Phoenix. I was just trying to encourage you to do the right thing, for your sake. It is hard to let things go and forgive, but it’s for the best. Anyway, it’s not like it was only their fault. That dark-skinned girl said something to you and you told her y’all were finished. Rather than feeding into her mess, you could have just ignored her, and all that wouldn’t have gotten started in the first—”

  “Oh, so because I didn’t say the right thing, I caused San to come after me like she did? It’s my fault that she decided to throw something like that in my face to hurt me?” Phoenix cried.

  “No, I am just saying that when we feed into ways that people goad us, we are opening the door for a huge fight that nobody wins. It really got out of hand. I thought you guys would make up! And you did make the first effort. I know you didn’t get the response you wanted, or the news you needed, but I believe that happened so God could get you to let go of this bitter scheme. It also happened because—”

  “It happened because you couldn’t mind your business!” Phoenix shouted. “Look, I am thankful for your friendship and for your help these past few months. You helped me in ways I can never repay. But stop trying to turn me into something I am not. I know what the Bible says about loving people and forgiveness and letting things go! I also know that I am not there yet. You and Paulo and folks at the Bible studies have all been trying to so-called get through to me, but I ain’t there yet! If you all truly believe God is in control and God is the One who does the work in us, like I keep hearing, then let Him! Stop trying to force me to go beyond where I am at. Stop trying to shove your beliefs down my throat! If you really want to help, just stop lecturing me and telling me I gotta do this or that and pray for me. I know you’re trying to help but I don’t need that kind of help. Let me be myself and let me handle this myself!”

  With that, Phoenix ran up the stoop, unlocked the security do
ors and slammed them shut, not bothering to hold them for her friend.

  Cara let her go. She wanted to say so much but she felt the Spirit leading her to give her friend space. She would pray about their argument as soon as she got to her apartment.

  But right then, she stood in the February afternoon air, processing her friend’s words. She could only feel sadness. Although she’d had good intentions, she had pushed Phoenix into a situation that turned out to be very hurtful. She had decided to take matters into her own hands in her desire to fix Phoenix. And Cara wanted to keep arguing with her friend about her own actions, but she couldn’t. All she could do was apologize and admit that Phoenix had been right.

  Phoenix was not there yet and she would not get there through Cara.

  Only God could get through to Phoenix and heal her heart.

  Cara’s job was to keep loving her as she was, even as she prayed for God to make her who He wanted her to be.

  And Cara cried, disappointed in herself, for trying, once again, to do God’s job.

  Chapter 25

  Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God (1 Peter 3:3-4).

  “Is something the matter?” Paulo asked, several hours later. He had been reading from Galatians Chapter Five when he noticed that Phoenix wasn’t even remotely listening.

  Phoenix was sitting in the apartment-turned-office on the ground floor of his brownstone. She had claimed a spot on the leather sofa and had been staring off into space for the past hour.

  “Don’t want to get into it,” she answered. “You were talking about the Fruits of the Holy Spirit or something like that?”

  Paulo closed his Bible. “Yeah. But let’s talk about what’s on your mind first.”

  “I said—”

  “Okay then we can take this up another time,” Paulo retorted, standing to begin collecting his papers.

  “What? Why are you ending the study?” Phoenix asked, crossing her arms as she watched him stuff papers into his briefcase. She didn’t want to speak to him about her pain. She just wanted to be near him. Why is the God patrol on my case today? she thought.

  “Because there is no way we can study the Word if you aren’t even listening to me read it. If you let out what is on your mind, maybe we can discuss it or pray about it. Instead you’re just sitting there simmering with anger. Maybe you can ask God to help you forgive whoever hurt you today. You’re not willing to do that, so let’s leave this for another time when you can focus. Ready to go? I’ll walk you home.”

  Phoenix snapped her eyes shut. She was way past the point of having had enough. “I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here.”

  “I don’t think that is a good idea right now, Phoenix,” Paulo responded, crossing his arms. “Right now, you clearly need some—”

  But the roll of her eyes dismissed him. “You know what? Right now, I don’t need you to tell me what I need, Paulo. I just need you to be my friend right now and respect my feelings and my space, right now. I don’t need you to fix everything in my life, right now. I don’t need prayer and I don’t need to be counseled, right now. And, right now, I don’t even need to vent. I just need to sit here and let this all pass. That’s what I need from you right now!”

  “No,” Paulo continued to gather up his belongings.

  “What do you mean ‘no?’” Phoenix’s face crumbled.

  “Just as I said. No. I am not going to sit here while you shut me out, while taking your anger out on me. I can’t help you if you don’t let me. I can’t go through this again, and definitely not with you, after all that has happened between us. If you want my friendship, you have to be honest with me. And I do mean right now,” he sneered. “Besides, after Elizabeth—”

  “Listen, I didn’t ask for your help with this! Why does our friendship have to be only on your terms? Besides, I am not Elizabeth and I am not suffering from a mental illness. I am not trying to trick you into marrying me without being honest with you. I don’t have mood swings that can only be controlled with mood stabilizers and antipsychotic medications. I am going through something, I know. But the last thing I will do, as much as I wish I could just die sometimes, is kill myself! I am not as weak as you think! So don’t compare me to your wife! You couldn’t rescue her and you can’t always rescue me!” Phoenix screamed, her face contorted with rage.

  Paulo’s golden skin turned an ash gray as oxygen leaked from every pore of his body. He turned to gather his things with trembling hands but dropped some of his papers and books on the floor. Without warning, he used his forearm to push everything from his desk, before tossing the desk over onto its side with a growl.

  With a face that became the color of freshly-shed blood, while roaring words in Portuguese, he stormed out of the office and slammed the door hard enough to shake the frame of the entire building. Phoenix, who sat there stunned, heard his footsteps pound on the concrete steps, heard him open the heavy oak front door of the main floor, and heard him slam it shut with such force that the glass shattered.

  Once the glass hit the steps, Phoenix burst into tears.

  Phoenix stared at the mess on the floor for at least a half hour before deciding to clean it. She had only seen Paulo raise his voice one time and she had caused that as well. Now, he was trashing his belongings—tossing over desks and breaking glass. She was forced to admit that she had pushed him too far.

  What was happening to her? How could she even say such a thing to anyone, let alone the one person she loved more than anyone? “Why did I say that mess about his wife? I know better. Not only do I handle such things for a living, but I have common sense. God, what’s wrong with me? Why would I say all that? That’s not even like me,” she whispered into the office space.

  It is the bitterness that has taken root in your heart, Daughter. Vengeance belongs only to Me because only I have the right to judge. Return to me and I will give you rest. Only I can give you the desires of your heart.

  Phoenix jumped off the sofa and looked around. Goosebumps rose on her skin as she began to sense that she was not alone in the office.

  With a quaking stomach, she tried to shake off the feeling that Someone was watching her, as well as the overwhelming sadness filling her from the depths of her soul.

  Come to me, Daughter. You were mine from the beginning. Come back to me. Repent and I will give you rest.

  Phoenix began to weep at the clear sound of the Voice as her body began to tingle. Sinking to her knees, she allowed the feeling to envelop her with warmth, even as the pain engulfed every part of her.

  “God?” she began in a quaking voice. “I’m here. I give up. I confess that—”

  But the words that she spoke were overcome by another voice in her head.

  What do you have to confess? There is nothing for you to confess. It’s not your fault that you’ve been mistreated all your life. God is the One who put you in this position, didn’t He? It’s disturbing, really, how He put you in a position to have to beg for love all of your life.

  “Wait, that’s not true!” Phoenix said, placing a trembling hand on her forehead. “God loves me and He sent me Paulo…”

  The enemy continued to taunt her. If God loved you, would He have made it so hard for you to have love? He made you so unattractive and forced you to be around people that only love you based on what you do for them. Your father left you, your mother is too self-absorbed to care for you, your friends have betrayed you, and Cedric used you after all you’ve done for him. God could have stopped it but He chose not to.

  Phoenix, now was lying on the floor, as the voice continued to assault her. “But He does love me, in spite of everything. He sent me Cara and Paulo to love me and help me and—”

  Even Cara and Paulo, supposedly God’s people, refuse to love you as you are. They refuse to lo
ve you unless you do what they want you to do. Paulo has not expressed any more interest in you simply because you’ve been hurt. What kind of love is that? If he loved you, he would not force you to do things his way. Who says Paulo gets to lead everything? God is the same way. He doesn’t love you unless you do things His way. What kind of love is that? You’ve been hurt and you want to make those who hurt you pay for what they’ve done. What is wrong with vengeance if God Himself says that vengeance is His? If God is holy and vengeance is His, then what’s wrong with vengeance? Why is it that only God can have justice and not you? You were the one who was hurt, after all, and God was the One who allowed it.

  And the voice continued, gleefully widening the cracks in Phoenix’s shattered shield of faith.

  And with each word that sprang up in her mind, she became renewed and empowered. What did she have to be sad about? What was there to repent for? She hadn’t done anything wrong, after all. She was thankful to God for helping her, for sending someone to hold her hand while she went through this process of change. But why would God expect her not to have justice after all she’s been through? She had been rejected all her life because of the looks God had given her. Now she looked better and was still being rejected. God had not allowed her justice.

  And God owed her justice for what they have all done to her.

  And justice was something she would seek, no matter the cost.

  In time, she would forgive her mother for neglecting her needs and maybe her friends for treating her so harshly when she needed their support. Someone, however, would have to pay.

  And hurting Cedric for all the things he had done to hurt her was the only way she could heal.

  It was the only way she could ever hope to move on, to stop the boiling anger from burning her alive from the inside, out.

  She couldn’t let him get away with it. She had taken care of him so much. She had loved him with all her heart. She had treated his son, his mother, and aunts as though they were her blood. She had financially supported him, helped him get visitation with his son, and had provided the means for Cedric to parent his son. She had bought him gifts and given him cash. She had taken Cedric on trips to places he never thought he would see. She had only wanted one thing in return…