Finding Forever

by Linda Oaks

  There was the sound of footsteps in the hall, and then the bedroom door opened. It was Devon. Thank goodness. I would have hated to face down Blair in front of Jagger. “Come on, little man. Mommy is ready to go,” he said, his expression tense. His eyes briefly flickered from me to Jagger.

  “Do I need to leave?” I asked, but Devon didn’t answer. His gaze focused on Jagger who slid from my arms and was now turned in the bed and sitting on his knees facing me.

  “Kiss,” he ordered, and I leaned forward hugging him against me and brushed my lips against his cheek before letting him go. He scooted from the bed and walked to his daddy, taking his hand.

  “Are you okay, buddy?” Devon asked, his expression filled with concern. “Mommy’s not mad at you. You know that, right?”

  Jagger nodded. Then Devon bent down scooping him up in his arms and hugged him tight. “Devon?” I said, drawing his attention. His eyes finally met mine. His gaze was hard. He shook his head no, so I didn’t say another word. What was his problem?

  “Tell Kara bye.” He told Jagger.

  “Bye, Kara,” Jagger said with a smile and waved at me from over the top of Devon’s broad shoulder. Devon pulled the door closed, and I flipped back the sheet deciding I’d over stayed my welcome. Fuck him! This was all Devon’s fault anyway. I grabbed my bag from the chair and opened the door walking down the hallway toward the bathroom. Once inside, I changed into a sundress, quickly washed my face, brushed my teeth, and combed my hair.

  When I opened the door, my steps faltered. Devon leaned against the wall, waiting. His expression was hard and his body rigid as if he was wired and ready for a fight. If he wanted to fight, he’d come to the right place. I would give him one since I was mad as hell at him. “Where do you think you’re going?’ he demanded.

  I didn’t like the tone of his voice. In a huff, I started past him only to have his fingers wrap around my wrist. I stopped in my tracks glaring at him. “Who in the hell do you think you are?” I asked; I was pissed. He was the reason for this fiasco this morning. It was his fault Blair had been screaming like a banshee in front of their son. I was so mad I couldn’t see straight, and then he’d had the gall to treat me the way that he had earlier in his room. Awww, hell no!

  Without thinking, I slung the bag containing my clothes at him, hitting him in the shoulder. I tried to tug my hand free. “I’m fucking pissed at you!” I yelled, and he smirked back at me.

  “Well, get in line,” he growled, yanking me to him. He pulled the bag from my hand, throwing it to the floor. All of the sudden, he was so close his nose brushed mine. “As for who in the hell I think I am…” he replied, his glacier eyes freezing me from the inside out and causing me to shiver beneath his glare.

  His hand wrapped around my waist, and he walked me backwards until I bumped into the wall behind me. Heat radiated from his skin. His face bent low to mine. The warmth of his breath caressed my lips. We eyed one another. His nostrils flared. He was agitated. “I’m the man who is going to fuck you senseless.”

  His mouth was on mine before I could utter a protest. One big hand was sliding from my waist to clench my thigh. His fingers dug into my skin as he hiked my leg around his hip. His knuckles grazed my heat and liquid warmth flooded my body. I sucked his lower lip into my mouth, groaning. My hands were now free and reaching for the snap of his jeans, unbuttoning them, sliding down the zipper, and frantically shoving his boxers out of the way. His mouth slid across my cheek. He growled in my ear, as he picked me up and pushed me back against the wall. His hands gripped my ass as his lips sucked against the skin of my throat. It felt so good. I couldn’t think. The hard bulge of his arousal pressed against my panties. “I need you, Kara,” he growled into my neck as one of his fingers slipped past the elastic band to stroke my flesh before slipping inside.

  My head fell back, thudding against the wall. My lips opened on a soundless cry. When the head of his arousal replaced his finger, my hands fisted his thick, dark hair. His eyes held mine. The sight of Devon aroused only made me crave him more. “Then take me, Devon,” I murmured, feeling the tiny pulses of bliss quake deep inside of me as his body shuddered against mine. I needed this man like I needed air. I would never get enough of him.

  Later, I lay naked stretched out against the hardwood floor as I struggled to catch my breath. Tiny pulses of the aftermath of Devon racked my body. He lay beside of me panting. I looked over at him and noted his smug expression. “I love fighting with you, Kara,” he said, and my heart stilled. He’d said the word loved. I was sure he meant it in the same way as like, but still it was enough to make my heart skip a beat. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I was too afraid.

  Devon was reaching for me with that look in his eyes when I heard a loud voice boom from downstairs. “Is anyone home?”

  We both jackknifed up from the floor, and I almost fell over laughing at the scowl on Devon’s face. “That fucking Clyde,” he muttered, and I took off running down the hall, as naked as the day I was born, fleeing to the safety of Devon’s room. He really needed to do away with that spare key.

  I was lying across the bed wearing another one of Devon’s T-shirts and a pair of his boxers when I heard my phone ring. “Fat Bottomed Girl” by Queen played. That was my ringtone for Brandon. He had a sick sense of humor. He was truly warped. I reached over the side of the bed, grabbing my purse, dug out my phone, and quickly swiped the screen, placing it up to my ear. “Hello.”

  “Hey, beautiful.” I heard Brandon drawl. It was good to hear his voice.

  “How is Jamaica treating my two best friends?” I asked. Through the phone, I could hear the sound of the waves hitting the beach. That lucky dog!

  “You would be so jealous,” Brandon practically purred. He was right, I was. “I’m sitting here underneath an umbrella with my toes buried in the sand drinking a shot of tequila. It made me think of you.”

  “The umbrella or the sand?” I asked, teasing him. I heard him laugh. I knew he was referring to the tequila.

  “The sand of course, Kara. Hot and irritating as hell,” he replied.

  “Hardy har har,” I mocked, and heard Cal’s deep voice echo in the background. He was muttering something about Captain Morgan.

  “We’re getting ready to take a cruise. We may never come back home,” Brandon gushed, the excitement in his voice made my lips curve into a smile. “What have you been into, or should I say, who has been into you? Is he around six-foot-three with the body of a god and shaggy, dark brown hair?”

  I grinned. Typical Brandon. “Have you been talking to Addie?” I asked since Devon saw Jake on a daily basis and they talked. Men thought women were bad to gossip. As if! This reminded me that I really needed to call Addie.

  “A little birdie with blonde hair and brown eyes told me.” I was right. It was Addie.

  “I’m so happy for you,” Brandon squealed. “Is he treating you right, or do I need to come home and kick his scrumptious ass?” he asked, and I couldn’t help but smile at Brandon’s menacing tone. I then proceeded to tell him about the whole Blair fiasco.

  “Don’t let that bitch ruin things for you, Kara. She’s been after Devon for years. If he wanted her, he could have had her by now. Duh! She’s history. He’s with you. Don’t worry.”

  “I’ll try not to,” I replied, forcing a lightness to my tone that wasn’t felt. It was easier said than done.

  “Listen, doll, I gotta run! We have a cruise to catch. If I find Captain Morgan, I’ll kidnap him and bring him home to you. We’ll talk later. Just enjoy yourself,” Brandon ordered, then I heard Cal in the background telling him to hurry.

  “Alright, I love you,” I said, grinning and imagining the scowl on Brandon’s handsome face as Cal tried to rush him. That was usually the other way around. Maybe this honeymoon had mellowed Brandon’s brain and shoved his first class diva bitch attitude back into the closet. He needed a good attitude adjustment.

  “Love you, to
o, doll,” he replied. The line went dead, and I sat there staring down at the phone thinking about what Brandon had said.

  I dialed Addie’s number. I needed to check in on my other best friend, plus I needed the support. She’d been ready to get in the tub, but at the tone of my voice, she’d insisted I spill my guts. So I did since there was no arguing with a pregnant Addie and ended up giving her the short version for now with the promise to fill her in on all of the details later. It was the only way I could get off of the phone with her. While Brandon’s advice had been meant to cheer me up, it also made me think. Throughout all these years since his accident, Devon and I had tiptoed around one another. The past few days we’d been as intimate as two people could possibly get and not once had he said he was in love with me or claimed me as his. Damn Brandon for making me think! I was just like Blair. Hell, I was worse than her!

  Devon could have had me anytime, too. All he’d had to do was call, give some kind of sign that he was ready to talk about his reasons for dumping me. Was I just here for his amusement until he grew bored? Sure, we had talked, but Devon still hadn’t made his intentions clear. I still didn’t know where I stood with this man, and was beginning to doubt I ever would. Surely, he would have said he loved me by now, wouldn’t he? It was obvious he didn’t want me around for the long haul. I wasn’t forever material.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CLYDE HADN’T STUCK AROUND. I was pretty positive Devon had run him off since he’d interrupted us earlier. Thank God Clyde had stayed downstairs! He’d dropped off Devon’s truck and had borrowed the Mustang. He must be trying to impress my momma. Not that it appeared that he needed too; she was already a lost cause. Sitting in the passenger seat of Devon’s truck, I glanced over at him. He was stoic and quiet. We’d barely spoken two words to each other since leaving the house. Something must have been said between him and Clyde. He had seemed fine after we finished “fighting.” He’d said the word loved, but did he love me? That was the million-dollar question. Ugh! He was driving me crazy.

  “I could have driven,” I told him, and his eyes flickered briefly over me before returning to the road.

  “I like the sight of you sitting in my passenger seat,” he said. A half smile curved his lips. “I don’t mind dropping you off, Kara. I’ll run by the garage and help Jake close up for the day.”

  So, he was finally speaking to me.

  “You sure you don’t want hang around with Addie and me? Being preggo, she’s starting to crave some really weird things. She’d told me last night, Jake had to make a run to the Piggly Wiggly for pickles and peanut butter.”

  Devon grimaced. “No thanks, I’ll pass,” he said, laughing. That food combination was pretty strange.

  There’d been no talk of the Blair incident or whatever that was that had occurred early this morning. He hadn’t said anything about Clyde’s visit either. I was still in the dark. Clueless. It wasn’t my business even though I was dying to ask. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall… to have known what had been said between the two of them that had put Devon in one of his moods. He seemed pre-occupied. His hand lay on the seat between us, so I laid mine over his.

  “You want to talk about anything?” I asked, noticing the sudden thinning of his mouth. I also noticed he needed a shave. A few more days and he’d have a full beard.

  “Nah, babe. Nothing’s wrong. Just thinking,” he replied, falling quiet.

  His eyes remained on the road. Deep down, I knew — he was lying. Call it intuition, but something was off. Devon could never lie worth shit to me. It was apparent that my bullshit detector was still working just fine since I had an uneasy feeling in my gut that refused to subside. Already, it seemed as if he were pulling away. I sighed, settling back against the seat, and decided to let it go for now.

  “I’ll be leaving on Friday,” I told him, waiting for him to say something. When he didn’t reply, I glanced over at him watching for any kind of reaction… anything just to let me know he cared. His jaw was clenched. That was the only sign that he may have even heard what I said. It definitely wasn’t the reaction I wanted or hoped for. In three more days, I would be saying goodbye to him.

  This time… it was forever.

  I was selfish.

  I wanted more.

  I needed more.

  He turned on his signal, took a right, and pulled into Addie and Jake’s driveway. We’d finally made it. The house was a quaint four bedroom white cottage with dark navy blue shutters. It was homey. A swing sat on the front porch along with two rockers that sat side by side. There were all of the small touches that made one feel welcomed; from the overflowing flowering pots, to the garden gnome who stood at attention beside the walkway. Addie had developed a thing for garden gnomes.

  Devon unbuckled his seatbelt, quickly climbing out of the truck as I opened my door. He was walking around to my side so I waited. He took my hand and I looked at him, studying his face as I climbed down from the truck. His expression was guarded. The way the sun was shining I had to squint. Raising my hand, I shielded my eyes trying to get a better look at him. I had no clue as to what he was thinking or what he was looking for as he studied my face in return.

  I tried to smile. A sense of longing squeezed my heart, making it ache. I didn’t understand why, but this felt like the beginning of goodbye. There were three stages to goodbye. First, you distanced yourself; you stop spending time with that person. That was your first clue. Then there were the excuses; lame reasons as to why you’re not around anymore. The third was complete and utter radio silence. No contact. No communication. When you finally hit that last and final stage, and the end was in sight, your heart was no longer so emotionally attached or invested. The whole process made it easier.

  I’d never mastered the art, but I recognized the steps and the signs. It sucked to be on the receiving end of Devon’s goodbye. Right now, I wanted him to take me in his arms. I wanted Devon to tell me it was all right and he was never going to let me go.

  That was the thing about letting go; it hurt like hell to be the one left behind.

  “Devon,” I murmured, but he glanced toward the house instead of looking at me. Addie stood on the porch smiling back at us and waving. Shit! I didn’t even see her! This would have to wait until later!

  “I’ll see you,” he said, and slammed the passenger side door, walking away.

  What the hell was up with that? I’ll see you. Not even a goodbye kiss or anything.

  I stood in the exact same spot in the driveway where he’d left me and watched him leave. Suddenly an arm wrapped around my shoulder. “Are you okay?” Addie asked, squeezing me against her side.

  Numbly, I nodded my head yes and turned to her, wrapping my arms around her slender frame. I couldn’t speak; my throat was thick. My eyes brimmed with tears. This most definitely was the beginning of my goodbye.

  “You can talk to me, Kara,” Addie said, softly stroking my hair. She was such a good friend, but I didn’t realize how stubborn Addie could be at times. It must be those pregnancy hormones kicking in. “Is this about Blair?” She asked, and I took a deep breath forcing a smile to my lips. I was here for Addie. This day was supposed to be all about her and the baby.

  “It’s all right,” I insisted, pulling back with my fake smile plastered in place. Addie didn’t seem convinced. Her brown eyes regarded me curiously. “I promise,” I said, since I knew that look well. I didn’t feel like rehashing all of my insecurities and doubts… at least not now. “Let’s get inside. I want to talk about my niece.”

  An hour later, I was composed and sitting with Addie on her couch. We were discussing baby names. I’d officially decided not to dump all of my problems on her since she’d been in such a good mood when I’d arrived, no matter how many times she’d asked. Thank God, Addie had finally given up. “How do you like Aurora?” she asked, and I shrugged… still not feeling it. Aurora was a pretty name, but not the name I envisioned for my nie
ce.

  “You don’t like it, I can tell.” Addie said, studying my face. “Why don’t you just say so, Kara?” She huffed. When I didn’t speak, she began flipping through the baby book of names in her lap until she found a page that she’d marked. “I’m really loving this one,” she said, grinning at me. Suddenly, I felt bad for the way I was behaving.

  “How about Natalie Noelle Riley?” she asked, her expression downright hopeful. It still wasn’t a goddess name. Hmm, Noelle? I rolled the name around in my mind and silently tested it on my tongue. “Natalie Noelle Riley,” I repeated, and she nodded excitedly. “I love it!”

  “Me too,” Addie gushed, appearing relieved. She tucked a strand of dirty blonde hair behind her ear. Her brown eyes sparkled lively. “Now, I just have to convince Jake. I’m positive we’re having a girl. I’ve already done that wedding ring test thingy.”

  My eyes flickered to her wedding band, and then to her nonexistent belly before meeting her gaze. Those silly tests were nothing but old wives tales, hocus pocus, and voodoo, but I didn’t want to hurt Addie’s feelings. She was a little bit hormonal, and I would have to watch my mouth around her for the next few months. I didn’t intend to be the one responsible for making her cry again since I was pretty sure I was already at the top of Jake’s shit list.

  “What if it’s a boy?” I asked, shifting on the couch and trying to get comfortable. I tucked one foot underneath me and reached for my soda sitting on the coffee table taking a sip.

  “Well, of course, Jake Jr.,” she said, looking at me as if I were crazy for even asking.

  I sputtered, coughing as soda went down the wrong way, and struggled to catch my breath. She patted me on the back, giggling. “Seriously?” I asked, when I could finally manage to speak.