Finding Forever

by Linda Oaks

  She appeared contrite, but then shook her head no at me. Well, thank goodness. We didn’t need a little JR running around. It was so cliché, and this baby was anything but that.

  “No. The name we have picked out for a boy is… Adam Jacob Riley.”

  “I like that,” I replied with a sigh. Already I was imagining a little boy with Addie’s brown eyes and golden hair mixed with Jake’s features and full of mischief. He would be a doll. The ladies wouldn’t stand a chance with that one.

  “Have you told your mom and dad yet?” I asked. This had been on my mind, having known the hesitancy Addie had expressed earlier about sharing her and Jake’s happy news with them. It troubled me. She’d have to do it soon before she began to show.

  Addie frowned, her expression thoughtful. She leaned back against the couch, propped up her feet up on the coffee table, and rested a hand on her still flat tummy. “No, we’d planned on visiting Natalie today. It’s been almost seven years since she’s been gone, Kara. I need you to go with me.”

  Her eyes shone with unshed tears. I smiled, nodded my head, and reached over taking her hand. I loved Addie like a sister. It hurt me to see her this way. There were some hurts that never healed. What had happened to Natalie and her unborn child was a tragedy. She would have been thrilled by the news that her baby sister was expecting. Just thinking about Natalie made my heart ache.

  “So, what’s the deal with you and Devon? That was pretty intense when he dropped you off earlier,” she asked. She knew me too well. So, she’d not given up after all. She wasn’t going to be happy until she had the whole story.

  “Intense definitely describes Devon,” I replied, also thinking of a few other choice words that would sum him up.

  Secretive.

  Moody.

  Bipolar.

  The list went on and on and it ended with ass. Devon’s moods were enough to give me whiplash. Something was up with him, and I wished I knew what it was.

  “Tell me, Kara, “Addie begged. “You used to tell me everything. Even the stuff I didn’t want to hear.” She laughed, and I did too when I realized she was obviously referring to my sex life and the lack of a filter I’d had in high school.

  No longer did I say the first thing that popped in to my mind. Well, at least not most of the time. I was lucky having avoided the subject until now, especially since I’d almost had a meltdown in the driveway. It was time to come clean. After all, this was Addie.

  “This morning, Blair came by to pick up Jagger. They had words and Blair was screaming from downstairs. Devon didn’t say what it was over, but I could guess. She didn’t like me spending the night, but we had some really amazing sex afterwards. Right before Clyde let himself into the house unannounced.”

  “Oh my God!” Addie gasped, her eyes widened in disbelief. “Did he?”

  “No,” I said, cringing at the thought of Clyde witnessing us in the act. “He didn’t stick around long. I’m just confused, Addie. Devon blows hot one minute, and then he’s as cold as ice the next. Just when I think we’re making progress… Bam! He shuts down. I don’t know, Addie,” I said, shaking my head. This whole situation was drenched in hopelessness.

  “I don’t know where I stand with him,” I sighed, dropping my gaze and fiddling with the hem of my dress.

  “It will all work out. You just have to believe that, Kara,” she said, patting my knee.

  I heard her phone ding. She picked it up from the coffee table and swiped the screen. “Mom is on her way to the cemetery,” she told me. Her whole demeanor had changed. Her shoulders were tense, and she appeared anxious. “She wants me to meet her there.”

  A sense of dread settled over me. I hated cemeteries, but Addie was my best friend. She needed me. “Okay, let’s go,” I said with a smile, trying to put her at ease. “It will be all right, Addie. Calm down. You should just go ahead and tell her about the baby too.”

  Addie gave me a look. She stood, not saying a word, but her expression appeared worried. I grabbed my purse from the couch and followed after her. “You need to tell her.”

  “We’ll see,” she said from over her shoulder, but the tone of her voice didn’t sound promising.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  WHEN WE ARRIVED AT BLOSSOMING Fields Cemetery, Addie’s mom had already beaten us there. An unnatural smile was plastered on Addie’s lips as she raised her hand, waving back at her mom. That was one lousy fake-ass smile if I ever saw one. She pulled up near the gates and parked behind her mom’s SUV.

  Addie looked over at me with tears brimming in her big brown eyes. Her expression was filled with anguish. “I hate coming here, Kara,” she said, shuddering. She drew in a deep breath. “I know it’s wrong, but I fucking hate it,” she insisted.

  I could only imagine how she felt. Unable to bear the hurt reflected in her gaze, I glanced away. Mrs. Hayes had the back hatch of her SUV opened. “I’m here for you, Addie,” I said, looking back at her and patting her hand. She sniffed then straightened in her seat and smiled wearily at me.

  “I’m glad you came,” she said, her voice trembling.

  “Me too,” I lied, crossing my fingers. It wasn’t really a lie if your fingers were crossed when you said it. Mrs. Hayes had shut her hatch. She stood there watching us and waiting. A bouquet of yellow roses rested in the crook of her arm.

  “Are you ready?” I asked, feeling slightly sick to my stomach. My friend needed me, but I’d rather have faced down Blair than to have to be here with her right now.

  Addie nodded. I drew in a deep breath, opening my door. Mrs. Hayes was smiling at us as we walked toward her. The resemblance between her and Addie was uncanny. Addie glanced at me nervously.

  “Well look at you, Kara Thorn,” Mrs. Hayes declared, wearing a warm smile. She walked to meet us and enveloped me in a hug, being careful not to crush the roses she carried. “You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman. You shouldn’t have stayed away so long.”

  “Thank you,” I said, inhaling the scent of lavender and roses. “Those are beautiful,” I stated, glancing at the lush blooms of the flowers she held.

  “They reminded me of the color of Natalie’s hair. Don’t they, Addie?” She asked, turning from me to Addie for confirmation.

  Addie seemed as if she might burst into tears at any second. I felt so sorry for her. She nodded her head in reply. Her mom walked to her and reached up brushing a wavy strand of hair behind Addie’s ear. “My beautiful, baby girl,” I heard her murmur, and Addie’s lips trembled as she smiled. A tear slipped down her cheek. My chest felt tight, and I looked away drawing in a deep breath.

  Mrs. Hayes was a combination of both of her daughters. Her hair was a mixture between the colors of Natalie’s and Addie’s; a dirty blonde with golden highlights that would have cost a fortune in a salon. Her complexion was smooth, marred only by a few wrinkles. Her nose and smile were definitely Addie’s, but her eyes… her eyes were the same shade as Natalie’s had been.

  “She’s waiting for us, girls,” she said, and drew one of the long stemmed yellow roses from the bouquet handing one to Addie and one to me. “Let’s go on in,” she urged as if sensing our hesitation, and then she turned to walk through the gate and lead the way.

  As I walked beside Addie, I wished for some magical superhero powers that would allow me to make this okay for her, but there weren’t any magical, mystical powers in this life, and even superheroes — well, sometimes they perished. Addie’s gaze met mine. Her fingers brushed my hand, and then her palm slid against mine. I curled my fingers around hers, gripped her hand, and smiled back at her.

  “It’s okay,” I mouthed as we walked down the narrow paved path along the side of the fence that would lead to Natalie’s grave.

  Overhead, the sun was shining. There wasn’t a single cloud in the bright blue sky. The cemetery was small, but the evidence of how many loved ones that resided within these gates was obvious in the numerous headstones and markers that n
eatly lined the trimmed green. Natalie’s grave was alongside a row of pear trees that ran along the outer edge of a chain link fence. It was a gorgeous spot with shade. The gravesite was dappled in the sunlight peeking through the tree’s spindly branches and leaves.

  I let go of Addie’s hand, watching as she walked around to the front of the grave. My fingers grazed the back of the sleek marble headstone that was carved into an angel who held a large heart in her arms. Along the smooth back in an elegant script was the engraving, “Don’t weep for me. I fly among the angels.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I bent down and placed the yellow rose into the empty bud vase along the side.

  “Here dear,” Mrs. Hayes said, drawing my attention as she separated the roses into two bouquets, handing one to me. I watched as she placed hers into the vase on the opposite side, and I did the same. I walked around the grave to where Addie knelt. Tears spilled down her cheeks. I kneeled down beside her, digging through my purse for a tissue.

  “Thanks,” she mumbled when I placed the tissue in her hand. Her eyes never looked away from Natalie’s headstone. She leaned forward and placed a fingertip into the groove of the inscription, slowly tracing Natalie’s name. “I miss you, Nat.” I heard her whisper.

  My throat felt thick with emotion, and moisture trickled down my cheeks. I wiped it away with the back of my hand, glancing up to witness Mrs. Hayes kneel down on the other side of Addie. She reached out and took Addie’s hand. She smiled at her and then turned and began talking to the headstone as if Natalie were here sitting with us. I listened as she filled her in on the day-to-day of life.

  Addie’s hand brushed mine. My gaze met hers. Her eyes were puffy and swollen. “I love you,” I mouthed, and she smiled mouthing those same words back to me.

  “I’m such a talker.” I vaguely heard Mrs. Hayes say. “Your dad and I will be back on Sunday after church to visit. I’m sure your sister would like a turn to talk to you now.” Mrs. Hayes looked expectantly at Addie waiting.

  Beneath her gaze, Addie shoulders shook. This was so hard for her. I squeezed her hand encouragingly. Her anxious eyes flickered from mine to her mother, and then came to rest on Natalie’s headstone.

  “There isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind, Nat,” she said, her voice cracking. “I love you. I’m sorry it’s been so long since the last time I visited. Jake started a new job.” Her voice was tinged with pride at the mention of his name. “We bought a house. You would’ve loved it. I wished you were here with me to help decorate it. I suck at decorating. You were always the one who was good at things like that.”

  Mr. Hayes stared blankly at the headstone, one of her hands holding Addie’s and the other resting on top of Natalie’s grave. She appeared lost in thought. “Tell her.” I mouthed when Addie’s anxious eyes found mine. Her lips turned downward and she began to sob. I felt like a total shit. Instantly, I reached for her wrapping my arms around her.

  “What in the world?” Mrs. Hayes muttered, her hand suddenly resting on Addie’s arm as she stroked her hair. I shouldn’t have pushed her. This was my fault. I was the worst friend ever.

  “Addie? “ Her eyes clouded with worry. Her mouth turned down in a slight frown.

  Addie pulled away from me and hiccupped. Her eyes met mine, and I nodded my head. She needed to get this off of her chest. She drew in a deep breath and turned to face her mother. “I’m pregnant,” she announced. “If it’s a girl, I want to name her after Natalie.” Her words were all rushed and jumbled, but that took courage, and I was proud of Addie. Tears streaked down Mrs. Hayes cheeks. She sat there looking at Addie, wearing a blank but somewhat stunned expression.

  “Say something, Momma,” Addie implored. Her hands clenching her mom’s which now rested in her lap.

  All of a sudden, her lips curved into a wide smile. Her eyes bespoke of the love she had for her daughter. “This is the best news. Your father will be thrilled.” She pulled Addie into her arms, and I breathed a soft sigh of relief as they rocked back and forth giddily. “My baby is having a baby. Did you hear that Natalie?” she said, turning to the headstone. “Your sister is having a baby!”

  After I said my goodbyes, I slid into the passenger seat and closed the door, watching Addie and her mom through the windshield. Thank goodness, that was over! I was as tense as a wire spring. It went well considering, but I needed a drink and thought about asking Addie to swing by the liquor store on the way to her house. I was thrilled for her. Mrs. Hayes took it well, better than I’d expected. She had actually been over the moon when she found out she was going to be a grandma. This meant that Addie’s dad would also be pleased. Now they knew, I thought smugly and smiled as I watched Addie kiss her mom’s cheek goodbye and walk toward the car.

  Her face was light. Even though her eyes were puffy and red, they glowed with an inner happiness. She slid into the seat, closed the door, and looked over at me. “Can we stop by the liquor store?” I asked in a rush, and she burst out laughing.

  “Hell yeah!” she exclaimed, smiling. “I can’t wait to tell Jake.”

  I turned on the radio, catching the tail end of an old song I used to love. “You are the worrier,” I sang, and Addie started laughing. “You mean, I am the warrior,” she exclaimed, and I grinned, turning the station trying to find another song.

  “Stop,” she yelled.

  I froze, looked at Addie, and then glanced over my shoulder to check on her mom since she was following right behind us. What the hell? Then it dawned on me — she meant that radio station. It was that song. She had officially lost her mind. No!

  “Absolutely not,” I replied, and quickly turned the channel. Addie’s hand smacked mine, pushed my fingers away, and she twisted the knob, turning it back to the station.

  “Take on me,” she screeched to the top of her lungs, and I pretended to bang my head against the dash as we sat waiting at a red light. I looked over at her and stuck my fingers in my ears. It was just like old times. Well almost… all we needed was Brandon in the backseat bitching.

  Four wine coolers later, I was sitting in a lounge chair outside in Addie’s and Jake’s tiny fenced in yard when Devon walked out the backdoor carrying a bag of charcoal. Addie smiled at Devon, but when she heard Jake’s truck she excused herself and hurried through the house to meet him. I hadn’t been that enthused to greet Devon.

  Taking a sip from my Jamaican Me Happy, I watched him walk to the grill and lift the lid to dump the charcoal inside. He’d slipped a lighter from his pocket and started the fire. When he turned and walked toward me, his eyes held mine. I couldn’t read his expression, but I was still pissed at him from the events of this morning.

  “So this is the way it’s going to go down tonight?” he asked. His look of contempt only made me want to drink even more. He wasn’t the boss of me.

  “Maybe,” I replied, and watched as he stretched and drew a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket before sitting down in the chair next to me.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he asked as he placed the tan filter between his lips. He didn’t have a clue. The man was clueless. All thoughts of kissing those flawless lips flew straight from my head at that nasty tone in his voice. He had no right to judge me. He was the one who fucked up… not me. I could drink if I wanted to.

  “You should know,” I retorted, watching as he flicked his lighter and touched the orange flame to the tip of the cigarette.

  He rolled his shoulders and took a drag, blowing thick smoke from his nostrils. He stared at me hard. “What does that mean, Kara? Why the attitude, babe?”

  I wanted to scream. Was he dense? Was this the loving Devon or Devon the iceman who could freeze you to death with a single glare from his frosty peepers? “I have one word for you, Devon,” I told him, staring at him through narrowed eyes. “Blair.”

  He frowned, and then he smirked and rolled his eyes at me. “Are you jealous, Kara?” he asked, and it was all I could do not to slap that smirk
off his handsome face. What the hell?

  “No,” I stormed at him, my voice falling quiet when Addie and Jake walked out through the backdoor. He was lucky they were here. Since they were both all smiles, I forced a smile of my own while simmering with rage on the inside.

  “Hey, Jake,” I said, noticing his good mood and deciding to try and play nice for the remainder of the evening even if it killed me. Addie had told him her news. She had been on cloud nine ever since we returned from the cemetery.

  “Hey, Kara,” he said, his expression curious. His eyes shifted between Devon and me. Addie must have sensed something was off, too, because her smile slipped a notch when she noticed my big fake smile. I shook my head, hoping she wouldn’t say anything. Jake’s eyebrows shot up, and he kissed Addie on the cheek, murmuring that he was going to check on the grill.

  “So,” Addie said, leaning up against the picnic table as she continued to watch us. “What’s going on with you two?’

  I glanced at Devon. His face as blank as empty canvas. “Nothing,” I muttered, turning my attention back to her. Let him just sit there like a big goof; I would just ignore him. If he wanted to act like an ass, then more power to him. Jealous of Blair… I don’t think so.

  “Kara,” Addie began, and I thought, oh no, here we go. “I’m not blind. Something is up.”

  Devon stood. He didn’t say a word, but gave Addie a smile. I, on the other hand, got nothing. Men! “Going to go check on my boy,” he said, walking away without a glance in my direction.

  Addie immediately plopped down beside me in the now empty chair. “What the hell is going on, Kara?” she asked.

  I grimaced, taking another sip of my wine cooler. “He thinks I’m jealous of Blair.”

  “What?” Addie gasped in disbelief, her eyes jerking from mine and landing on Devon.

  He and Jake stood in front of the grill talking. They were too far away so I couldn’t hear what was said, but the expression on Jake’s face could only be deemed as serious. This was it. We were over. Whenever a fire burned too hot, it wasn’t long before it burnt itself out.