A Heart of Little Faith

by Jennifer Wilck

  “Well, it would help me out a lot,” Lily agreed as she crossed those items off her list. Her mood lightened once again.

  “I’ll meet you at the gym at ten. Now get some sleep.”

  ****

  Claire jumping on the bed woke Lily on Saturday morning. “Mom, wake up, wake up!” She shook her until Lily grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.

  “Okay, I’m up, I’m up.” She planted a kiss on her daughter’s soft cheek. “Happy birthday, baby.”

  “I’m not a baby, Mom. I’m seven years old today.”

  “Oh, pardon me. You’re a big girl now.”

  “Huge.” Claire blew out her cheeks and stood as tall as she could. With a wobble and a shriek, she fell onto the bed.

  Lily tickled her until she couldn’t breathe. They got up, dressed and gobbled breakfast. They grabbed the bags and boxes by the door and headed over to the community center. Passersby gave them a wide berth as they made their way along the sidewalk laden with party supplies.

  Once there, they taped a sign directing guests to the gymnasium. Inside, Lily hung streamers while Claire ran around. Her feet pounded on the wood floor and echoed off the walls. Tony and Samantha arrived to help. With a brief kiss for the birthday girl, they approached Lily.

  “What can we do to help?”

  Lily perched on a ladder, the streamers wrapped around her ankles, tape hanging from her wrists. “Well, I’ve got an hour to decorate this place before twenty-five six- and seven-year-olds arrive.”

  Tony helped her from the ladder and she handed them the streamers and tape. With a thank you to Samantha, she grabbed Claire and set the table. The paper plates, cups and plastic ware created an impromptu beat Lily and Claire danced to around the table.

  “Is there a birthday girl in here?” a loud voice asked.

  A large bunch of multi-colored balloons rolled into the gym. Gideon pushed several aside and grinned like a manic clown. On his lap was the cake.

  “Gideon!” Their band momentarily forgotten, Claire ran over and skidded to a halt.

  “Whoa there, ClaireBear. You don’t want to mess any of this up.”

  Lily rescued the cake and leaned over to kiss him on the lips. His mouth had a rubbery taste from the balloons and she compressed her lips and wrinkled her nose. “Thank you so much.”

  He grinned. “You’re welcome. Now, where do you want the balloons?”

  “I’ll take them,” Claire volunteered and held out bony arms.

  “I don’t think so, kiddo.” Gideon chuckled. “You’ll float to the ceiling and then what will we do?”

  They tied balloons to the back of each chair and gave the rest to Tony and Samantha to distribute.

  “When are the kids arriving?” he asked Lily.

  She crossed her fingers. “Any minute now, I hope.”

  Gideon came over to her and rubbed the small of her back. “Relax.”

  “I know. I always get stressed before these things.” His touch and his solid presence soothed her.

  “Well don’t. You’ve got us to help you and it’s going to be fine.”

  The party guests arrived. While Lily took the presents, Claire ran around the gym with her friends. The deafening shouts drowned out any of Lily’s attempts to organize them.

  “Claire, calm down,” Lily said, but her daughter ignored her.

  At Lily’s distress, Gideon stepped in and whistled. The sound pierced the cavernous space and froze everyone in mid-stride. “Hey everyone, let’s play charades.”

  Claire ran over, followed by her friends, and soon Gideon had all of them organized and taking turns. Lily’s mouth gaped at his ease with them. After charades, Gideon and Tony divided the kids into teams and led the kids in a game of basketball. Afterward, he brought them over to the tables and Lily and Samantha helped them make crafts and served the cake. When the kids finished, Gideon directed them in relay races and helped them crack the piñata. By the time the activities ended and the parents arrived, the kids were exhausted, but happy. No one wanted to leave and everyone vied with Claire to sit on Gideon’s lap and go for a spin.

  “Sorry, that’s only for the birthday girl,” he said and hugged her. Her sticky sweat clung to him, and he kissed the top of her damp head.

  One by one, the kids departed, goody bags clutched to them and their thank you’s echoing off the walls.

  “Did you have fun, sweetheart?” Lily asked after the last kid was gone and everyone dismantled the party.

  “It was great, Mom.”

  Lily walked over to Gideon. “Thank you so much for your help. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

  He pulled her onto his lap. “I was happy to do it for you, and for Claire.” They kissed until Tony and Samantha cleared their throats and they pulled away. Her cheeks burned, and Gideon’s were just as red.

  “Come on you two. Aren’t you going to help us?” Tony asked.

  “Coming, coming,” Gideon said, and finished cleaning up.

  Chapter 25

  Gideon sat in front of the bathroom mirror and wiped away the last of the shaving cream from his jaw. The face reflected at him was one he hadn’t seen in a long time, but like an old friend, it reappeared suddenly and seemed like it was here to stay. The creases near his eyes were from smiling, not pain or worry. His hair was trimmed because he cared more about his appearance. His mouth relaxed in a smile instead of a frown. He had good friends; an annoying, but loving sister; and thanks to Lily, a wonderful relationship, with a kid as a bonus. He didn’t think things could get any better. Life was good, and he’d put most of his inner demons to bed.

  Finished shaving, he dressed and left to pick up Lily. Samantha had given them tickets to a play. He ran his fingers around their edges as he thought about the great reviews he’d read. His pulse quickened at the much-needed solitude he and Lily would get to spend together. He ran his hands down the lapels of his jacket, the wool soft beneath his fingers. He was more conscious of clothing texture, now he had someone who might sit on his lap and feel it as well. He whistled for a cab then continued to whistle a tune he’d heard on the radio.

  They arrived at the packed theater with fifteen minutes until the curtain rose. A mélange of perfume and aftershave scents overwhelmed them as they entered the opulent lobby and they both blinked and wrinkled their noses. Conversations mingled and rose to a dull roar, interspersed with the tinkle of wine glasses. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling, casting everyone in a yellow glow.

  “If you don’t mind, I’m going to run to the ladies’ room now,” Lily said as she leaned close to be heard. “I’d rather avoid the long lines or having to use the men’s room later. I’ll be right back.”

  He let the buzz around him transport him to the past as the other theatergoers mingled and he waited for Lily to return. He remembered previous trips to the theater with his ex-girlfriend. For her, the whole point of the theater was to see and be seen. She’d obsessed over her appearance, as well as his, and spent hours deciding on their wardrobes. She’d bought him new clothes if she believed his weren’t right. A momentary lull in the background noise pulled him out of the past and into the present. He shook his head as he ran his hands over his legs. She’d never have gone out with him in public like this. Thinking about it made him appreciate Lily more. And the funny thing is, I probably wouldn’t have met her if I hadn’t had the accident. And I’d have never known what I was missing.

  Before long, Lily, accompanied by another woman, headed toward him.

  “Gideon, I want to introduce you to an old friend of mine, Peggy. Peggy, this is Gideon. She and I used to work together, what was it, six years ago?” She rested her palm on his shoulder and he shook the other woman’s hand.

  “More like seven, I think,” said Peggy. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You, too,” he said. The two women finished their conversation and he and Lily found their seats.

  He reflected on her earlier words. “Were you serious about using the
men’s room?” he asked.

  “What? Oh yeah. The lines to the women’s room are ridiculous!”

  “Have you done it before?” He was intrigued by her lack of concern for what others thought. Once again, it amazed him how different Elaine and Lily were and his body heated.

  “No, but I’ve come close.” By then they were at their seats and the lights dimmed. Their elbows bumped on the armrest they shared and heat coursed through him. Lily slipped her arm through his and he squeezed it to his side. She rested her cheek on his shoulder. When he kissed the top of her head, the curtain rose, as did the last of the barrier around his heart.

  ****

  After the show, Lily suggested drinks at the restaurant across the street. They entered a small restaurant known for its Old World, club-like atmosphere. Dark paneling, deep red carpets, crystal chandeliers and a well-stocked bar made it a favorite among theatergoers late at night. There were tables in the back with a full dinner menu for those who wanted to eat, but Lily and Gideon instead chose to sit at one of the cocktail tables near the bar and order drinks and dessert.

  As they sat and discussed the play, a stunning woman at the other end of the bar caught Lily’s eye. That is, she would have been stunning if she weren’t inebriated. She swayed to her feet, giggled and teetered toward them in three-inch heels. It fascinated her how someone could make such a spectacle of herself. When she realized Gideon had asked her a question and waited for an answer, her face heated and she returned her attention to him.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Out of the corner of her eye, she continued to watch the slow progress of the drunken blonde.

  “I was just wondering what had you so fascinated,” he asked her wryly, “since it obviously isn’t me?” His magnetic smile took away any bite his words may have had. Lily’s cheeks heated.

  “I didn’t realize I was obvious,” she apologized. “I was just staring at the woman over there. She’s completely drunk and…”

  Lily’s voice petered out as Gideon turned toward the woman and froze. Horror flitted across his face; like an iron gate clanking shut, all traces of emotion disappeared. Only the set of his shoulders, a vibrating tendon in his neck, and a soft sigh alerted her to his feelings for this woman. She could feel a sudden chill and she shuddered. Lily remained quiet as a protective urge arose in her. Whoever this woman was, she upset Gideon, and she would not let that happen.

  The woman staggered toward them, preceded by the nauseating combination of perfume and alcohol. She raised her drink to them in mock-salute as her unfocused gaze wandered from one to the other.

  Her long straight hair fell in disarray over her back. Smudged eyeliner framed large brown eyes. Bright red lipstick that matched the red of her dress painted beautifully proportioned lips, but the lipstick bled around the edges. Her dress was short and tight with red sequins, a plunging neck and backline. Matching red pumps completed the outfit.

  Lily breathed through her mouth as she stared at Gideon in confusion. Her stomach fluttered. Why was Gideon so concerned about someone else’s public spectacle? And how could she convince him it didn’t matter?

  “Hello, darlings,” the woman drawled as she zigzagged through the cocktail tables. She placed a steadying hand on first one shoulder then another of the customers and ensured she became the center of attention, until she reached her prey—Gideon. The other patrons who whispered to each other, melted away. Lily’s gaze bounced between the two, like a spectator at a tennis match.

  “Gideon, dear, what a surprise to see you here!” She took another sip of her drink. He said nothing. “You’re looking well, handsome as ever. Despite everything.” If it was possible, he stiffened further.

  “You’re not talking to me,” she pouted. “You know, it’s not polite to ignore me. You know how I hate to be ignored,” she whined.

  When he remained silent, she leaned into him, lost her balance and tipped her glass into his lap. He swore as the liquid soaked his lap.

  “Elaine!” That one word made everyone leap into action. A couple next to them rushed over with their napkins and Gideon used them ineffectually. As Elaine laughed drunkenly, Lily walked over to her, put her arm around her shoulder, and steered her toward the bathroom.

  “Why don’t you come with me and let me help you clean up.” She allowed no opportunity for Elaine to argue.

  “He was the love of my life, you know that?” she asked with a noise that transformed into a sob. “I loved him so much—his sexy voice, his hard body, and the sex…” she rambled on. Lily’s ears burned and she searched for someone to help her. There was no one. “Of course, all of that changed after his accident,” Elaine rambled on. “We couldn’t stay together, I mean, he wasn’t the same man, wasn’t even a man. How could I stay tied to him for the rest of my life? Tell me?”

  Lily thought her head might explode at Elaine’s words. It pounded and her neck heated. Any jealousy over this woman faded as she realized what a poisonous snake she was when she opened her mouth. She clamped her own mouth shut, ignored the metallic taste of blood and helped the woman clean up. She got her a cab and then went to search for Gideon.

  She returned to the restaurant, but he’d gone. The only sign he’d been there at all was his half empty glass and a pool of liquid the busboy now mopped up. “Did you see where he went?”

  The busboy pointed outside, Lily flagged a cab and told the cabbie Gideon’s address.

  ****

  Twenty minutes later, a knock sounded on Gideon’s door. He sat motionless as he stared at the peephole, knowing instinctively who stood on the outside.

  “Gideon, it’s me,” she called through the door. “Please open up.” He recognized her voice. It had always filled him with joy. Now, it didn’t.

  He waited another few moments. When at last he opened it, it took all his self-control not to reel back in shock. Lily stood there, the same as ever. He’d expected Elaine’s poison to transform her somehow, but he could see no visible signs. The mask he’d carefully plastered over his features started to slip – maybe everything was all right. He shook himself mentally. No Elaine’s damage wouldn’t be visible. He searched Lily’s face for some sign – pity, disdain, revulsion. Her jaw was set in determination.

  “Hi,” she whispered. He didn’t answer. “Can I come in?”

  He neither spoke nor moved, his jaw clenched. This was his worst nightmare, and it had come true. As she stood in his doorway, his heart constricted. Once again, Elaine had humiliated him, only this time it was in front of everyone. Especially Lily.

  She leaned against the doorjamb and crossed her legs at the ankle. God, he loved those legs. “I suppose we could discuss this out here,” she suggested, pointing down the hallway at the other apartments. “But I think we might disturb a lot of people, especially this late at night.”

  Gideon itched to shut the door on his neighbors and her, but instead, he swore and reversed to let her into his apartment, but only a few feet.

  “Thank you. May I?” she asked and pointed to the sofa. He blinked and she sat down. The sofa was soft, and most times she sank into it. But today, she sat ramrod straight. He came over, stared straight ahead and ignored her. When he spoke, it was barely a whisper, but filled with anger so that Lily recoiled.

  “You left with her. Why?” Why would she abandon him for Elaine, of all people?

  She took a deep breath. “Because she upset you, and the only thing I could think of doing to help was to get her out of there as quickly as possible.”

  His heart raced. “Did she speak to you?”

  “Yes.”

  Gideon froze. “What did she say?”

  Lily squirmed. She licked her lips and stared past his shoulder. She clenched her fingers into tight fists and she stared at her lap.

  “I asked you what she said.” Although his voice hadn’t risen above a whisper, Lily shrank at the fury that escaped into his tone.

  “She told me about your relationship and why you weren’t
together anymore.” Gideon held up a palm to stop her. He couldn’t bear to hear anymore. Lily’s eyes pled with him to let her finish talking, but he silenced her with his glare.

  “I don’t need to hear any more.” In that instant, his life changed. His relationship with Lily ended, like a light switch flicking off. It couldn’t continue after she heard what Elaine said. All his fears, all his nightmares, came true. His heart raced. His vision tunneled and everything became a blur. Lily’s skin paled, her lips formed an “o” and her forehead crinkled. Her pain, like flashes of light in a summer storm, slashed across her face. Her pleas, her begging eyes, those flickers of pain bounced off him, unable to penetrate the sudden and complete shell he drew around himself. Unable to meet her gaze, he wheeled around, knocking against the table as he tried to escape.

  He faltered, squeezed his wheel rims hard enough to make his hands ache, and reversed. His wheels made a soft brushing noise in the carpet – the only sound in the room – as they rolled to his door. With a withering glare at her, he went to his bedroom and shut his door. He leaned his head on it, but jerked away as he heard her approach. He held his breath until the apartment door shut with a click that reverberated through his brain like a gunshot. He picked up his book and threw it across the room.

  Chapter 26

  It’s like losing Daniel all over again.

  Only seven the next morning, Lily had been awake since four. Okay, that wasn’t quite true. She’d never fallen asleep, just laid in the darkened room, stared at the ceiling and felt numb. She’d observed the play of light from the street lamp outside her window reflect off her ceiling, change color from slate gray to dove to off-white as the sun rose above the concrete horizon.

  It was over. Granted, Gideon hadn’t said anything to that effect; he hadn’t said anything at all. But his gaze had spoken volumes. Those expressive eyes with their innumerable shades of brown—chocolate, amber, hazel, cognac—each color reflected a different mood. Last night, they blackened in anger and shame. Lily had never been afraid of him, had never had any reason to be, but last night, those eyes behind his glasses frightened her. How such a warm color could look so cold, she’d never know. Although Lily had done the only thing with Elaine she could have done, she understood Gideon found her actions unforgivable. In his mind, she’d chosen Elaine over him. She’d left him no escape from Elaine’s humiliation, so he had no choice but to leave her. At least, that was the conclusion she formed on her own. Maybe there was another reason for his behavior, but without his talking to her, it was impossible for her to know.