Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  Dane sat in the back of the sled and patted the area between his legs.

  “Hop in. She’ll go faster with more weight.”

  Don’t ask how an extremely tall man and an average woman both fit on a sled. It wasn’t pretty, nor was it comfortable.

  “How fast are you going to make us go?” I asked. “I’m scared.”

  “I like it fast. Hold on.”

  We zoomed down the hill at the speed of light. I started screaming at the top of my lungs and Dane put his hand over my mouth so no one would hear me and call the police. After all, we weren’t exactly supposed to be here in the first place.

  We made it almost three quarters of the way down the hill before he had to wipe us out in order to avoid hitting a tree. Kitty was barking the whole time and chasing after us on the sled. I don’t know if she hated this new game or absolutely loved it. It was hard to tell.

  “Shh, you’re going to get us caught,” I reprimanded her.

  “That was awesome. We have to go faster next time. I think I’m going to get a running start and then hop on behind you. We’ll really fly after that,” Dane suggested as we walked back up the hill.

  “No way! You’ll crush me when you jump on. This sled is not big enough!”

  Once we got back to the top, Dane grabbed the sled and ran with it. He flopped on at the last minute and went speeding down the hill. Kitty ran behind him barking her head off. He narrowly avoided the tree and made it all the way to the bottom of the hill before tipping over. After brushing the snow off his lap, Dane got up and waved to let me know he was okay. It looked fun. The only bad part was making the walk up the hill again. It was a very steep climb.

  “Come on, your turn. Go solo and try to get farther than I did,” Dane challenged while panting. Evidently the long trek back up the mountain was starting to get to him.

  “I’m NOT getting a running start. Let me sit on the sled and you give me a push off,” I suggested. This turned out to be a completely horrible idea.

  “Hold on, this is going to be a wild ride, baby!” he shouted while giving me a giant shove.

  I went careening down the hill at warp speed while shrieking at the top of my lungs. I actually closed my eyes at one point because the snow was spraying up into my face and because it felt safer that way. Obviously it was not safer, it was just a good way to get myself wrapped around a tree. I almost made it to the bottom before tipping over.

  After making the long journey back up the hill, Dane informed me that he wanted to go together again. I guess he needed my added weight to really make it fly. We once again raced down the hill at an extremely unsafe speed and landed at the bottom in a heap. I laughed instead of screaming this time because I was starting to like it.

  “Oh, is someone enjoying herself now and not being such a wimp? Is that laughter I heard instead of screams of terror?” Dane taunted. We were still lying in a tangled pile of limbs at the bottom of the hill. His face was inches from mine, his mint breath warming my icy face. I touched his cheek with my glove and kissed him. It was tender and gentle and he wrapped his arms around me.

  “You look beautiful under the stars, Izzy. This is a perfect night. Just me and you away from the world. Since I met you, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I haven’t known you very long, but you mean a lot to me already. I just want you to know that.”

  He kissed me again and it felt like time stood still. I could have spent all my remaining moments on earth with him right there in that one spot and it wouldn’t have been long enough. This was my version of Heaven. A beautiful night under the stars, alone with a man that was my every fantasy brought to life. To say I was completely fulfilled at that very moment would have been an understatement.

  As per usual with my luck, it lasted precisely four more seconds until my world turned to shit and reality stepped in to bitch slap me in the face. Heartbreak returned in the form of cracking ice and a yelping dog.

  “Oh no!” I screamed. “Where’s Kitty?”

  A frantic look around confirmed my worst fears had come to life. Kitty went to explore the area and didn’t realize that she was on thin ice. The ice gave way and she fell into Thompson pond.

  “NO, NO, NO!” I yelled as I took off running. What were the odds that I’d lose more loved ones by a stupid preventable drowning accident?

  Dane was faster than I was and he beat me to the pond. Without a second thought, he threw off his coat and jumped in after her. Thankfully Kitty only fell through about ten feet away from shore and Dane was able to bust through the ice and reach over to grab her collar and yank her out.

  Soaking wet man and dog were safely back on solid ground within seconds. It didn’t matter. The damage was already done. I was smack in the middle of a major anxiety attack. I grabbed Kitty in my arms and alternated between yelling at her for being so stupid and clinging to her for dear life while telling her that I would never let her out of my sight again. I was rocking her back and forth in my lap and I probably looked certifiably insane.

  “Why? Why can’t I have ten fucking minutes of happiness before something has to go wrong? It’s not fair. This is why I have to be Nancy Negative. Polly Positive just doesn’t work. It just doesn’t work. Nothing works. My life doesn’t work. There’s sorrow and heartbreak and pain and death waiting around every corner. It’s not fair. It never was and it never will be. I don’t know why I bother,” I mumbled, still rocking back and forth, tears pouring from my face.

  “Izzy, you’re starting to freak me out,” Dane admitted. “Kitty and I are going to get hypothermia. We need to go home and warm up, ok? Everyone’s fine. Let’s just go home. We’re all okay. Calm down.” He reached over and grabbed Kitty from my arms. I tried to play tug of war with her, but he was stronger. “Come on, okay? We need to leave.” Dane grabbed me around the waist and lifted me up with his other arm. He held my hand and dragged me up the sled hill.

  He turned the heat up and drove home as quickly as possible. We gave Kitty a warm bath and dried her off. She seemed to be none the worse for wear. I, however, was in bad shape. I didn’t say one more word the rest of the night. I don’t understand why the universe works the way it does. Why do bad things happen to good people? That’s something I’ll never comprehend. Why was it so impossible for me to just have five minutes of peace without some shit storm raining down on me? Hadn’t I been through enough already?

  I went to bed as soon as Kitty’s bath was over. I just lay with my head on the pillow wondering why I bothered to even try. Dane slept next to me, his arm wrapped around me protectively. It remained there all night, even when I woke up screaming after another nightmare about my parents. This time Kitty was floating next to them in the ocean.

  Thursday, January 21

  Last night was not good. Not good at all. It really freaked me out when Izzy had a breakdown after the dog went into the pond. I can understand how it brought back painful memories for her. Maybe I’m lucky that I never had parents. I guess when you don’t have people who love you, then you don’t have to worry about losing them.

  It actually just made me care about her more. No matter how bad life beats her down, Izzy gets back up again. She might be a little bruised and get up a little slower, but she still gets up. I didn’t know what to expect from her this morning. She had a very restless night and she woke up screaming. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what her nightmare was about. She did seem a bit better today. Her face had some color to it and she started talking again. That was a good start.

  “Hey, I’m sorry about last night. I usually don’t act like a catatonic fool who just witnessed a mass murder instead of someone whose dog fell in a lake. I’m sorry you had to see that. It’s embarrassing,” she said. Please. It was no worse than when I told her about my foster years and sounded like a whiny little tit-baby.

  “How dare you show any emotion! I’m pretty sure it says in the handbook for people who are fucking each other that they�
��re allowed to have episodes of total mental hysteria every once in a while. At least the girls are, anyway.” Let’s see how she reacts to that.

  “You’re a jerk,” she said, gently swatting me on the arm but smiling anyway. Good. That’s how I hoped she’d take it. My girl was pretty resilient.

  I was really happy that today was payday because I wanted to give her some money. I felt like shit for not contributing to the household. It was strange because I never had the urge to live with a girl in my entire life and I laughed at all the poor suckers who were tied down. Now here I am, all wife-d up with some girl I just met literally two weeks ago and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was definitely getting attached to Izzy. If Spider could see me now, he would totally bust my balls about all this. I was going to have to call him tonight and find out what was happening back there. I had a funny feeling that I really didn’t want to know.

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------

  Izzy made an amazing dinner of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I think she still felt bad about her behavior last night. I told her that I demanded a Nintendo re-match because I practiced when she was out with her friends on Tuesday. I figured it would take her mind off things if she had to concentrate on the game instead of the events of last night. I was also pretty sure I could beat her this time. Who would have thought she’d be so damn good at those stupid games. I told her to get the stuff set up and I’d be back in a minute. I put off my phone call to Spider long enough. Time to see what I was missing.

  “Well, well…look who finally remembered his old life. I thought you dropped off the face of the earth. What the fuck is going on and where the hell ARE you, Dane?”

  “First tell me what’s going on there and then I’ll let you know what I’ve been doing. Are you alone?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been busy covering for you. Gary is really pissed that you haven’t been at work in so long. The cars are piling up and he’s falling behind. He said you better get your ass back here soon or you’re fired. Ant has been picking up the slack because he doesn’t want Gary to hire someone else. You know how Ant hates people. That’s one of the reasons that Gary hasn’t replaced you yet. He’s afraid Ant will quit too.”

  “Gary is a dick, fuck him. He’s one of the worst bosses I ever had. He’s a lazy piece of shit. I do feel bad about Ant though. What else is going on? What’s happening with the Italians?” I asked. That was the most important piece of information that I needed.

  “You’re not going to believe it. I was going to call you tonight to tell you, but you beat me to it. There was a whole gang war over it. A massive shoot-out. After I talked to you last week, I called the Italians and gave them the name ‘Carlos.’ Evidently that’s who they also suspected and they were satisfied that you confirmed it. They were also pretty relieved that you ditched the getaway car. I guess the Mafia doesn’t like to have any evidence for the cops to find. The Italians decided to show some muscle and put the city on notice. A whole sting operation was set up and they went from place to place and rounded up at least half of the 872s, including their leader, and taught the dumb fucks a lesson. The ones that weren’t wiped out were sent back to their homeys looking pretty roughed up. The message was heard loud and clear. Whoever remained in their poor excuse for a gang got the hell out of town. So it’s all over. It’s safe to come home. Get your ass back to work.”

  “It’s really finished? Just like that? It sounds too easy.”

  “It turns out there really weren’t that many 872s to start with. The gang made it seem like they were taking over the whole city and they wanted others in neighboring cities to join them. When no one else came and the Italians made a show of strength, their whole movement just pretty much went down the toilet. Now we’re back to just the Russians and Italians fighting with each other. Ah, normal life resumes once again. I’m all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. When are you coming back? Where are you? Do you need me to come and get you? You know I’m always up for a road trip. I want to meet your new friend anyway. The one with the nice rack.”

  “Yeah, things are kind of…complicated here at the moment. I’m going to need a little bit more time before I come back. Just stall Gary a while longer and tell Ant I’m sorry.”

  “What the fuck does that mean? A little more time? What’s so complicated? I told you what was going on here, now I better get an explanation of what the fuck it is that you’re doing! Where are you and what’s going on? Start talking,” Spider demanded.

  “I’m in Iowa. It’s a little town called Oak Valley. It’s about half an hour away from Bridgeport where you sent me to meet Gina who slammed the door in my face. I kind of have a job here now and I met a girl. Her name is Izzy and I’m just not ready to leave her yet, okay? Maybe I like her. Maybe she understands me more than any girl ever has before.”

  “Ooh. Dane’s in LOVE. You usually keep to yourself. Since when do you lose your mind over a girl?”

  “Who says I lost my mind? I’m not allowed to be happy now?”

  “I just meant that I was always the one with the ladies hanging all over me and you were always the one pouting in the corner because you couldn’t get laid. Is this girl in her right mind? Normal? Or is she secretly a prostitute who believes aliens are trying to send her messages through her microwave and she needs to borrow two hundred bucks from you to get her life back on track?”

  “Now you’re just mixing all the freaky girls together into one giant mega-crazy one.”

  “Who cares if it’s three separate girls or one I just combined? The point is that you are a magnet for psychos and you have a past to prove it. Those three examples are not girls I randomly pulled out of my ass, dude. They really exist on this earth and you really dated each and every one of them.”

  “I did not DATE the prostitute!”

  “You would have if I didn’t point out her track marks, dumbass. My point is that you make some bad decisions when it comes to the ladies. So if I don’t start congratulating you right away on this new one and beg to be your best man at the wedding, don’t be surprised.”

  “Can you trust me for once? This one is different.”

  “How is she different, Dane?”

  “You want fucking examples, don’t you? She cares about me. She cooks for me, she worries about me, and she wants me to be happy,” I explained.

  “She sounds like your maid or your mom,” Spider said.

  “Yeah, well I wouldn’t know about the mom part, now would I?”

  “Hey, I didn’t mean it like that and you fucking know it. Don’t play that card with me. You know better. You know I’m only looking out for you like I always do.”

  “Fine. You want an example? I told her about my childhood and being bounced around from one bad situation to the next. You know what she did? She bought me a fucking birthday cake and told me that she couldn’t fix my past, but she could make my present a little more bearable. How’s that for an example?”

  Spider didn’t have any smart ass reply to that one.

  “I like her, Spider. A lot. I’m not ready to leave her yet. I want to see where this goes. Just give me a little more time here.”

  “What’s the game plan then? Are you moving to shitsville or are you bringing her back here? You need to think long term, Dane. You’ve had a few weeks of playtime. You need to get back to your regularly scheduled life.”

  “I haven’t thought that far ahead.” I hadn’t. I had no game plan. I was sort of fucked.

  “Fine. You take some more time to get your head on straight and figure it out. In the meantime…do you need anything? Money? Clothes? How are you getting by?”

  “I got a paycheck from the crappy factory job where I work, but it’s not nearly enough. I’ve been sponging off Izzy this whole time. Could you go into my rainy day stash and send it to me? I’m managing to survive on the clothes I have here.”

  “Give me your address and I’ll get you th
e money,” Spider promised.

  I gave him Izzy’s address. It would be nice to have some cash in my pocket again. I felt like a tool when Izzy had to slip me the money after Trent tried to bust my balls at the restaurant and make me look like a piece of shit. “Thanks, man. I owe you one.”

  “Yeah, you do. You owe me a lot. Take care of yourself and call me later, ok? I’ll send the money tomorrow.”

  “I’ll try to get my shit handled here and come up with something.”

  “You better. The way I see it, you got about a week. Or did you forget about the Rally next Saturday?” Spider none-too-kindly reminded me.

  “Son-of-a-bitch. It’s next week already? That’s not good. I’m fucked.”

  “You got ninety-nine problems, man.”

  “You’re one of them!” I admitted.

  I hung up the phone on a laughing Spider. I can’t believe I forgot about the Rally. I was seriously fucked. It was amazing how fast I forgot my old life. I was going soft.

  I returned to Izzy to find her already racing Mario without me. She looked up at me all innocently and asked if everything was okay.

  “Everything’s fine. Nothing to worry about,” I lied. I had a sinking feeling that my days here were numbered.

  Friday, January 22

  It had now been four whole days since the dinner date incident and two days since my dog almost died. After the week I’d been having, I was ready for a quiet evening of renting a movie and sitting home doing absolutely nothing.

  The ladies at work all discussed their weekend plans and they inevitably turned to me and asked if I’d be seeing my new boyfriend tonight. I smiled and told them that we’d probably do something and I asked if they had any good date suggestions. They were happy to advise me on what to do and they shared some of their all-time best dates. Sheri told a story about a bowling incident that she had with her husband when they were first dating. It involved her wildly throwing the ball, having it go backwards, and landing on his foot. Even though she broke his toe, they still laugh about it to this day. I have no idea how broken bones make an endearing memory, but to each his own, right? Janet shared a tawdry tale about sneaking into a bar when she was underage to meet an older guy that she had a crush on. Her night of adventure ended prematurely when one of her dad’s friends showed up and caught her. I guess that was as rebellious as she ever got. She would shit herself if she heard any one of the stories that Stacey was telling me a few days ago at the salon. Vera actually had the best confession of all. When she was younger, she went to a summer camp and snuck off with all the counselors to go skinny-dipping. She told us that she had her eye on one of the other boys and she actually lost her virginity to him that summer. We were all shocked because Vera had always been the quietest of the ladies, content to care for her house full of plants. Who would have thought she had such a rebellious streak? Sheri and Janet seemed appalled at this tawdry revelation, but I think they gained a newfound respect for her after that. I guess no one knows what secrets lay beneath a person’s seemingly innocent exterior. It was exciting! I had a nice afternoon chatting with them. Maybe my week was finally turning around.