Loving Rowan

by Ariadne Wayne

  Andrew stood in the doorway, looking tired and disheveled. “Can I come in, Row?”

  “I guess. Sure.”

  I hid my disappointment as I let him in.

  He sat on the couch as I went to the kitchen to make coffee. “Want one?”

  “That’d be great,” he said. “Hey, can I crash here? I hate being in the apartment without Charlie, and a change of scene for the night might help.”

  “Um yeah, sure. You can sleep on the couch.”

  He smiled. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

  Following me into the kitchen, he stood behind me while I made coffee. “How are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m okay. Trying to get back to normal.”

  “I don’t know if anything will ever be normal again,” he said.

  I handed him his coffee, leading him back to the living room. Sitting on the couch, I sighed as I took a sip, relieved to be finished work for the day, but missing Kyle.

  “Are you still with Kyle?” he asked. These past weeks, we’d barely talked about anything other than Charlie.

  I nodded. “We were meant to have this evening together, but I ended up working. I’ll see him tomorrow.”

  “Is he good to you, Row?” He looked so sad as he asked.

  “He’s amazing. Loves me a lot.”

  We sat and sipped our coffee in silence, and when it was gone, I stood, taking his cup and placing them in the kitchen sink.

  I left him with a pillow and a blanket, and climbed into bed for a good night’s sleep. My mind drifted to Kyle; his hand on my breast, telling me how beautiful I was … No one had ever done that. If only the work this evening had gone smoother, maybe I would be at his place in bed with him right now.

  Reaching between my legs, I stroked my clit, rubbing it as I thought of him touching me. I stroked my breast with my free hand, feeling the nipple come to life at the thought of that man making love to me.

  “Rowan?”

  I froze. The blankets were over me, so he couldn’t have seen what I was doing. Shit.

  “I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Charlie. Can I get in bed with you?”

  “Andrew, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  He climbed in beside me before I could protest. “I’ll stay over this side, I promise.”

  I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. I should call Kyle to let him know Andrew was here, but he would probably still be fast asleep.

  “Fine, whatever. But you stay on that side of the bed.”

  I kept my back to him, staying as far to the edge of the bed as possible. Before long, I felt his arm over me, as he pulled me back towards him.

  “Rowan.”

  Reluctantly, I turned onto my back to look at him. There was moonlight coming through a gap in the curtain, and I could see the tears on his cheeks.

  “I miss her so much,” he said.

  “I know. I miss her too.”

  Before I could process what he was doing, he was on top of me, his tongue in my mouth, and I pushed him as hard as I could. He was heavy, and in a panic, I slid out from underneath him.

  “Get off me,” I screeched, breaking away and leaping out of bed. “Your wife has only been dead a few weeks.” My heart raced, and I held my hands up to show him to stay away.

  “I need you, Rowan. I need you to help me feel better. I know you love me.” He was on his knees, crawling towards me.

  I shook my head, walking out to the living room to get on the couch myself.

  “Rowan?”

  “Just go the fuck to sleep, Andrew. You can leave in the morning.”

  ~

  I rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of that first-thing-in-the-morning blurriness. I’d been woken by a knock on the door, and whoever it was knocked again before I got there.

  Kyle stood in the doorway with a bag of bagels in one hand and flowers in the other.

  “I thought seeing as we missed each other last night, I’d treat you to breakfast.”

  I laughed. “That sounds great.”

  And then his eyes weren’t smiling anymore as the flowers and bagels dropped to the floor. He wasn’t even looking at me, but over my shoulder. Confused, I stared at him. “Are you okay?”

  I turned. Andrew stood in the doorway of my bedroom, clad only in boxers.

  “What the hell?” Kyle said.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I said. But Kyle wasn’t even listening to me.

  “Hey, Row, are you coming back to bed?” Andrew smirked, and I shot him the filthiest look I could muster.

  “You are disgusting,” I said. “Kyle, please. I slept on the couch. We didn’t even …”

  I turned back towards the door. He was gone.

  “Shit.” I ran out to the lifts, pressing the buttons wildly to follow him. Why is it that when you’re in a hurry, the elevator never comes? It seemed to take forever to get to the building lobby, and I ran out to the front of the building, dressed in my nightgown and trying to find the man I loved.

  “Kyle,” I yelled, unable to see him anywhere. He was gone, and my whole world crumbled beneath me. I felt ill at what he’d seen, what he believed had happened. Andrew hadn’t helped. As soon as I was back upstairs, he would be gone from my life. For good.

  I ran back inside, ignoring Andrew and digging through my bag for my mobile. I hit redial; the only person I called these days was Kyle, but all it did was ring until it went to voicemail.

  “Hey, please call me when you get this. It wasn’t what it looked like. I need to talk to you and hear you’re okay. Please call me, Kyle. I love you.”

  I felt Andrew’s hand on my shoulder. “If he loved you, he would have waited for an explanation.”

  Never in my life had I felt so much rage. It ran over me like a hot wash and I could feel my body tensing with the anger building in me.

  “Get the fuck out of my apartment; get out of my life. I don’t ever want you near me again,” I screamed.

  He went pale, backing away from me as I spat the words.

  “This isn’t you, Row. Look at what’s happened to you since you’ve been with him. You never used to act like this, talk like this. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say a bad word in your life.”

  “I was loved,” I yelled. “I was loved and wanted, which is more than you ever gave me. All I got from you was teasing, and I was stupid enough to fall for it. All these years you never wanted me; you still don’t want me. You’re just trying to fill the gap. I am sorry that Charlie died, I loved her too. But I am not going to just run when you click your fingers. Not anymore.”

  I was trying to breathe through the tears that were falling. He just stood there, looking at me as if he didn’t know me, and I realised he never really knew me at all. All those years I had been in love with the dream of him. The real Andrew wasn’t what I wanted.

  All my life I wanted to be what Charlie was. Beautiful. I never felt that way when it was the three of us. Only Kyle had ever made me see a side of myself I didn’t know about. Kyle made me feel as if I were the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was my future. If he didn’t call me back I didn’t know what I would do.

  Finally, Andrew turned back towards the bedroom to get changed, leaving without a further word while I rocked on the couch. Loving Andrew had screwed up my life. Now, just when I was moving on and starting something new, he had screwed that up.

  I felt nothing for him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Rowan

  All morning, the world went on around me while I sat in my office, staring at nothing. I had gone looking for Kyle when I came in, but there was no sign of him, and no one knew where he was. He was out there, somewhere, thinking that I had cheated on him. My heart ached at the thought of the pain he was feeling. I felt it too.

  I didn’t even hear the knock on the door at first, the sound of the door opening jolting me back to reality.

  “Mr Warner wants to see you.” Miriam stood th
ere, a quizzical look on her face.

  “Kyle?”

  “No, Warner Senior.”

  I had that horrible sinking feeling where you know the end is coming, but you don’t know what form it will take. That was me. This was too much of a coincidence, after last night.

  Slowly, I stood, making my way to the other side of the building where the executive offices were. I had already been over here once this morning, looking for Kyle. As I went past his office, I wanted to open the door and check again, but I knew he wouldn’t be there.

  “Rowan, take a seat.” John Warner indicated the seat opposite his desk and I sat down, gripping the base of the chair to bolster my nerves.

  “I’m going to get straight to the point. There are some efficiencies we will be making throughout the business. We believe that we can streamline things by restructuring. Now several big projects are over, it seems an ideal time.”

  Oh, shit. He was coming after my job.

  “Restructuring?”

  “Everyone will have the opportunity to reapply for the jobs available. The new job descriptions will be out in the next few days. If people choose not to apply, they’ll be paid out for their notice period, and be free to find work elsewhere. Do you have any questions?”

  It all came at me fast, and I paused for a moment to think about what he’d said.

  “Where’s Kyle?” I asked.

  That shook him. He stared at me for a moment before finally coming out with the words. “My son is on indefinite leave.”

  “But where is he? I need to talk to him.”

  “Rowan, he’s not coming back. I think we both know why.”

  I was breathing fast now, fighting back the tears. “I didn’t do anything. I just want to talk to him.”

  “I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you about this any more. Please think about what I said, and if you do wish to reapply, let my assistant know.”

  Somehow I just knew there would only be one job cut. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of turning me down.

  “No. I don’t wish to reapply because you will shut me out. I’m not stupid, Mr Warner; that’s why I got the job in the first place.”

  He leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands together in some big grandiose gesture that I assumed was supposed to look intimidating.

  “I’m insulted that you think I would put your whatever-it-was with my son over my business. Don’t think for a moment that you have that much influence, young lady.”

  I didn’t even stop to say goodbye, turning on my heel and walking out. I slammed the door hard behind me, and Miriam jumped as I walked past. There was a good chance I could seek legal advice, but why would I want to? Why would I want to stay where I wasn’t wanted?

  Behind me, his office door opened, but I wasn’t turning back even to see if he was watching. Screw him, and screw his son. I had known the risks of getting involved with the boss’s son, and the worst possible thing had happened.

  I was in love with another man who didn’t want me. The story of my life.

  As I entered my office, I kicked the bin, and it clattered against the wall. To hell with this place. More than anything right now I wanted to be home with my mother, nursing my broken heart. The idea of finding another job to support myself was so far off I couldn’t even think that way.

  It wasn’t like I had that much stuff. I could pack up and be out in the next few days.

  I didn’t want to run away, but how could I stay? In my head I could hear Andrew. “You’re so anal, Rowan. Planning everything to the nth degree. No-one could ever accuse you of being spontaneous.”

  All my life I had loved him, put my life on hold, waiting for him to tell me he felt the same. Now all of it meant nothing as the man I truly loved thought I was a cheat, and a liar.

  What a mess.

  ~

  The heavy rain outside woke me up. It lashed at the window as if it wanted in, and I watched as the drains overflowed, and the cars kept on going without a care, drenching the people on the footpath. People suck.

  In less than fifteen minutes, I had packed my office up and left. I’d rather leave than have the indignity of being pushed out. For now, I’d had enough of being humiliated. Andrew had done that often enough without me realising he was doing it.

  There was a gentle tap on the door, and I ran, just in case it was Kyle. Andrew stood in the doorway, shivering and dripping water all over the floor.

  “What do you want?” I asked.

  “I came to see if you were okay. You know, after the other day. What an asshole, running out on you like that.”

  I turned back into the apartment, and he followed, taking off his coat and throwing it over the back of a chair. Water dripped on the chair, and I picked his coat up, growling at him as I took it over to the door where the lino would be much easier to wipe.

  “He’s not an asshole.”

  “Where is he now then, Rowan?”

  I flopped onto the couch, lying down so he had to sit elsewhere.

  “Row, please. You don’t belong with him. If he cared he would have stopped to find out what was going on.”

  “Fuck you, Andrew. If you hadn’t pulled that shit in the first place, none of this would have happened.”

  He leaned forward in his chair, and I felt uncomfortable under his gaze for the first time. “We were meant to be together. That’s all there is to it. Charlie was an amazing woman, but it was always you, Row.”

  I jumped off the couch, feeling the anger grow as I crossed the room. My hand stung as I slapped his face, but I would have done it again in a heartbeat, he pissed me off that much.

  “Don’t you dare. I’m not the backup girlfriend. You are the asshole, Andrew. Thanks to you, I have lost the only man who has ever truly loved me for me. Not because I’m the substitute for the one you chose.”

  He shook his head. “That’s not fair. You know I always cared about you. You were the first girl I kissed; the first one who let me touch her boob.” He grinned, as if it were some big joke.

  “If Charlie had been there instead of me, would you have felt her up instead?”

  The grin disappeared from his face. It didn’t take a genius to work out I’d got that right. “What are you going to do now, then?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Well, my job is basically gone, so I’m packing up to go home. I’ll pick apples for the season, save some money, and think about what to do next.”

  “You’re running away.”

  “If you want to see it that way. I can’t breathe here. Not in the city where I found and lost the man I love. All I want to do is go home to my mother and be with people who love me.”

  He just looked at me, and I wanted so much to slap him again, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Charlie’s been dead for only a few weeks, and you’re talking about moving on with me. How is that right? It’s disgusting that you taint the memory of her by trying this shit.”

  “She would have understood.”

  I shook my head. “No, she wouldn’t. I wonder if you really knew her at all.”

  He stood, and there was this uncomfortable silence while I pretended he wasn’t there anymore and he worked out what to say next.

  “Just go, Andrew. Find someone else to screw and use, but not me.”

  For just a moment I thought he might try to rescue the situation. Say something meaningful. Instead he left in a huff, grabbing his coat on the way out and turning back towards me at the door.

  “Do you know why I chose Charlie?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to know.”

  “She was gorgeous. All tits and legs, and I wanted to fuck her so badly I told her that I loved her. You just didn’t compare, Rowan. You’re smart and funny, but I wanted perfection, not some ugly, bitter mole who was so desperate to be loved.”

  I shook my head. “You know, not so long ago you saying that would have devastated me. Now it means nothing. I know you want to hurt me, and maybe you do think that way, bu
t, Kyle loved me for me, and I’ll get him back somehow. What I need right now is for you to get the hell out of my life. I don’t ever want to see you again, and I hope you go to hell for the way you’ve treated your wife. She’s not even cold, and all you want is someone to keep your bed warm. Selfish asshole.”

  He slammed the door when he left, and I felt nothing. The pain I’d been through finding out that he didn’t love me was gone. Even his pathetic insults washed off me as if they were nothing. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as a new wave of emotions washed over me. I’d never been so miserable as I was without Kyle, and yet I felt liberated more than ever. Spewing my distaste for Andrew at him was therapeutic, and I smiled at the thought of being free of him.

  Now I had to make the effort to kick-start my life. Without Andrew, and with or without Kyle.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Rowan

  Coming home was bittersweet. As much as I loved my parents, and the orchard, I felt like a complete and utter failure. Falling in love with the boss’s son had ruined my great start to a career. Maybe I should have just stayed friends; that way I wouldn’t have hurt him. Oh, who was I kidding? He loved me, he would have been hurt regardless.

  I drove down the long driveway that cut through the centre of the orchard, towards the house. Dad was talking to someone, and my stomach dropped when I saw who it was. David, the guy who had hurt me all those years ago, was back working for him. He smiled and waved at me as I got out the car.

  “Rowan? What are you doing here?” Dad asked, moving towards me and catching me as I fell into his arms. I didn’t want to cry while David stood there watching, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Kyle left me,” I whispered, feeling myself shake.

  “It looks like everything you own is in the car,” he said in disbelief. “What happened to your apartment?”

  “I can’t stay, Dad. Everything is a mess.”

  He hugged me tight, patting me on the back. “Go inside and see your mother. I’ll be in shortly and we’ll talk.”