Freedom

by Riley Edwards

  “Come again?”

  What the hell, could he read my mind now? He was like Professor Xavier from the X-Men the way he stared at me like he was in my head. It was unfortunate I’d left my metal helmet at home today; I needed to find another way to block his nosey ass mental exploration.

  “Something happened with Reagan. Before you deny it, I’ll remind you that I know every one of your tells. You look guilty as shit right now, yet surprisingly relaxed and happy. It’s the happy part that is worrying me the most right now.”

  “You’re worried because I look happy?” I chuckled.

  “See, right fucking there, you laughed. What the hell is going on?”

  “You have an issue with my sunny disposition?”

  “Now you’re… I don’t know what you’re doing. Joking?”

  “Should I flip you off and tell you to mind your own fucking business?” I asked.

  “Yes. That would be more in line with your normal temperament.”

  I parked and cut the ignition but made no move to exit the Jeep. We needed to talk, and there was no time like the present.

  “I had a nightmare this morning.” There was a lot to explain, best I start at the beginning.

  “Fuck.”

  Jasper had been around me long enough to understand what my nightmare entailed.

  “Did she hear?”

  “Worse. She came into my room and tried to wake me up.” I paused for a moment. “She touched me.”

  “Goddammit. Did you hurt her? Was she freaked out?”

  “I didn’t hurt her; however, we did end up on the floor. She tried to deny it, but I know she was scared.”

  “The dog is gone. She can come back and stay with me.”

  “That’s not happening.” There was zero chance I was letting Reagan out of my sight.

  Jasper arched his eyebrow and squinted at my forceful response. “Come again?”

  “She’s staying with me. We talked about my nightmare, and I will make sure she understands that she’s not to touch me if it happens again.”

  “You talked with Reagan about your nightmare?”

  “Yep.”

  “You’re gonna need to explain that to me.”

  This was the part I didn’t want to talk to him about, the whys and wherefores of my out-of-character actions. I’d only told my team about my nightmares out of necessity. However, I didn’t make a habit of telling anyone else. My team knew the bare minimum, most of which they figured out from me calling out in my sleep.

  “You told her about Moses?” he asked when I didn’t answer right away.

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  The low whistle that came from Jasper spoke volumes. “Well, damn. Now you wanna explain why you’re smiling?”

  “Drop it.”

  “Not a chance,” he pushed. What Jasper called my normal temperament was about to rear its ugly head. I didn’t like talking about my personal life, and it’d been a long time since I had to explain myself to anyone. “Did you fuck her?”

  “Careful,” I warned. I didn’t like hearing Jasper ask that about Rea. His flippant question made her sound like a cheap tag chaser, and that pissed me the fuck off.

  “Careful? What the fuck, Clark. I saw the way the two of you were dancing around each other. She looks at you like rainbows are shooting outta your ass. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman hold your attention, let alone make you smile. I’d be pleased as fuck if I didn’t know you so well.”

  “Care to explain what that means?”

  “It means I know you. You’ve made it painfully clear over the years that you don’t want any entanglements. You’re emotionally unavailable and go to great lengths to hold yourself as far away from anything that looks like a relationship. I’ve watched you go home with women, and it is as sterile as you can make it. Hell, I’ve never seen you flirt with a woman. You wait until you’re approached and propositioned, then you take her back to her place to do your business and leave. You trust no one except the team. That works for you. I get it, I really do. But there is no way Reagan will. She’s young and blinded by sunshine. She doesn’t have the tools to handle you.”

  Jasper had pretty much summed up exactly who I was and how I conducted my personal life. He was right on all accounts but one. Reagan might’ve been young, but she understood what this was. She wanted nothing from me. She said it herself. She was moving to Florida to start her new life.

  “I didn’t fuck her. I won’t lie to you; things did happen. But you gotta know we did talk before anything started, and she is clear on what this is.”

  “And what exactly is this?”

  Now I was pissed.

  “You want details?” I asked. “Because I gotta tell you I don’t think you want them any more than I want to give them to you. Before I get pissed, you have to ask yourself if I would fuck her over. And not because she’s your family, but because she’s Reagan. While you’re asking yourself that, you can include if you trust me.”

  “There is not enough ear bleach in the world to make me want details.” Jasper sighed and settled further into the seat. “Shit, brother. Of course, I trust you. I just wish…”

  He trailed off, and I didn’t wait for him to continue his sentence before I spoke. “Then let me worry about Rea. I promise you I will handle her with care. I would rather cut off my trigger finger than hurt her. She means something to me. You’re right. I don’t let women close to me, and I tried to keep her at arm’s length, but damn, brother, it’s impossible not to fall at her feet when she acts goofy and spouts off the most ridiculous shit. She has no sense of personal space or boundaries. When she has something to say, she blurts it; social niceties be damned.”

  I knew I’d said too much when Jasper did nothing but stare at me. Damn, the woman had me talking too much.

  “Never mind.”

  “Never mind, what?” I asked.

  “Forget I said anything. And for the record, if you lost your trigger finger, you’d have nine other digits to use. No doubt you’d be just as proficient.”

  “I was gonna say, I’d rather cut off my cock, but given the conversation we’re having I didn’t think you’d want to hear about cock.”

  “You thought right.”

  “Great, now that we’ve been pussified and had a heart-to-heart, you wanna go work out? Or do you have a vaginal itch you’d like to discuss?”

  Jasper roared with laughter and wiped his eye. “Christ. Happiness looks good on you. I think I can get used to this new sunny disposition. Trust me when I tell you it is more than a step up. You’re much more tolerable this way.”

  He opened the door, jumped out, and shut the door. I heard the slam of the metal but didn’t move.

  Happiness?

  Is this what happiness felt like?

  Chapter Eleven

  It was nearing four o’clock when Jasper walked into the house. Emily and I had spent the day going over wedding plans and trying to find a new venue. Thankfully she’d narrowed them down to two; it cut down on the time we needed to go across town and look at them. I wanted to be back to her house by five, so I wouldn’t be late when Clark got there.

  I had been floating on cloud nine all day, but as the hours passed, I was becoming more and more anxious to see Clark. Not because I was nervous or I’d changed my mind about where I want our friendship to go. I found myself missing him. There had been several times throughout the day I’d wanted to text him and tell him something funny, but I refrained. He’d given me his number in case I needed anything. I didn’t think that included random text messages about songs I’d heard on the radio or funny memes I’d found.

  Spending time with Emily was just what I needed. It hadn’t even been ten minutes after Clark had dropped me off when she brought up Liz. At first, I was a little uncomfortable, but she quickly eased any awkwardness when she told me how Jasper had come home from Montana and told her all about his trip. She’d even read Liz’s journal to Jasper. It made me happy that
my sister was talked about, that Jasper hadn’t hidden her away. She didn’t deserve to be a secret; my sister was too good for that. Emily asked a lot of questions about her, general ones about who Liz was as a person. She listened while I told her funny stories about the three of us growing up and wanted to know more about Jasper as a teenager. I would’ve thought it was weird talking about Liz to Emily, but it wasn’t. Em wasn’t jealous or resentful of Liz at all. At the end of our talk, Emily had cried, telling me how sorry she was and how much she loved Liz and Alesha too.

  When we finished our talk about my sister, we dove into wedding plans. I was grateful she hadn’t asked me about Clark. I didn’t think he’d want me talking to anyone about what happened, even though I wanted to pull Emily on the couch and tell her all about my first orgasm and my second. I felt like a teenager with a secret crush on the cute boy in school. I guess in a way I was. Only tonight I got to have sex with him too. I was being ridiculous, and I knew it. Only I couldn’t stop myself; actually I didn’t want to. I was excited and happy. It was nice to be those things for a change.

  “Hey, Mr. Walker, how was your day?” I asked in a singsong voice when Jasper came into view.

  “Well, aren’t you chipper today?” he answered.

  I smiled wide at my friend and prayed that I wasn’t turning red.

  “I’m always chipper.”

  Jasper’s smile was too knowing when he looked down at me to where I sat on the couch. “If you say so, Rea. Clark wanted me to tell you he’d be here in thirty minutes. He needed to stop by the store.”

  “Okay. You trying to rush me out the door before Jason gets back from his afternoon with his grandma?” I winked at him and wiggled my eyebrows.

  “I don’t know; you’re the one that looks pretty excited to get out of here and get back to Clark’s,” he returned.

  Whelp. I didn’t have a comeback to that, so I changed the subject. “Looks like we got your wedding back on track, and Em only had to postpone it for a month.”

  “Yeah, Em texted me the info and pictures of the new B&B. It looks great. Honestly, I’d be happy marrying her in the backyard, but I know that’s not what she wants. I don’t mind either way as long as at the end of the day, her and Jason are mine.”

  “I love that.”

  I totally loved that Jasper had found someone that made him so happy. After losing Liz and Alesha the way he did, I wanted him to be happy. I was saddened when Emily told me that when she first met Jasper, she thought he didn’t like kids and he bailed as soon as he found out she had a child. I knew it took a lot for Jasper to face his fears and seek me out after all these years. I guess in my grief I hadn’t considered all the guilt he was carrying around. I should’ve known. And now I felt like an asshole for not being the one to reach out to Jasper years ago. I knew that Liz hadn’t been upset with him and she never would’ve wanted him to hurt. Instead, I selfishly kept my sister’s thoughts and her journal all to myself, not wanting to give up even the smallest part of my sister away, even if that part of her didn’t belong to me.

  “We need to talk.” The grimace Jasper wore told me I wasn’t going to like what he wanted to discuss.

  “Okay.” I drew the word out and settled back on the couch.

  “Clark.”

  One word that held so much meaning but told me nothing.

  “What about him?”

  “He…um… told me.” Jasper cleared his throat and looked so uncomfortable I would’ve laughed at his discomfort if I didn’t think I was going to throw up. What had Clark told him? Had he changed his mind already and sent Jasper to let me down?

  “Told you what?” I asked.

  Jasper’s brows drew together, and he fidgeted with his phone, spinning it in his hands.

  “Spit it out, Jasper. Geez. You’re freaking me out.”

  “Sorry. He told me he had a nightmare and you shook him awake.”

  “I did. I apologized to him. Is he still upset with me?”

  Damn. I thought that we’d moved past me barging in his room. At least I thought we had after he gave me a few mind-numbing orgasms. He’d also made it clear that I had an open invitation to his bedroom.

  “No, he’s not upset with you. I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay and he didn’t hurt you. He said that you were scared even though you played it off that you weren’t.”

  “Of course, I was scared. I heard him yelling for someone to kill him. When I opened his door, he was fighting and twisting in his sleep.” I left the part out about Clark crying. That was no one’s business, not even Jasper’s. “I couldn’t take it seeing him so tortured. I didn’t know I shouldn’t touch him, so I tried to shake him awake. That’s all.”

  “That’s not all. He said that he threw you to the ground and when he woke up he was on top of you pinning you to the floor.”

  Well, he did do that, but I didn’t want to tell Jasper that once Clark had woken up my fear quickly morphed into something else and I wanted nothing more than to kiss the lingering agony away.

  “It was nothing really. Hell, you’ve pinned me harder when we were kids, and you tried to tickle me until I peed my pants. Something I’ll never forgive you for, by the way. There’s nothing funny about a thirteen-year-old peeing her pants.”

  “Dammit Rea, this is serious.”

  “Fine. Yes, when I touched him he grabbed me, and we fell to the floor. I hit my head on the nightstand and then the floor. For a few seconds, I was scared shitless. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to seeing Clark in pain. When he looked at me, his eyes were dead, and he was lost in a faraway place. I couldn’t watch him like that. I had to stop it.”

  There was a noise behind me that sounded like a cross between and growl and grumble. Either way, it wasn’t a happy sound. I closed my eyes and prayed Clark hadn’t slipped in the house unnoticed. When I refocused on Jasper, he was looking over my shoulder. His lips pursed together so tight they were flat. But his eyes weren’t angry; they were full of sympathy.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you hit your head?”

  Yep. Clark was behind me.

  “I was fine.”

  “That’s not what I asked you.” His voice sent shivers through my body. “You should’ve told me I hurt you when I asked.”

  “You didn’t hurt me. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to blame yourself or be upset. Besides, it was no big deal. It smarted for a minute, that’s all. By the time we got off the floor, I wasn’t even thinking about my head.”

  Not that I wanted to admit why I wasn’t thinking about my hurt head anymore. Sweet Jesus, I could still picture the outline of his dick through his boxers. My cheeks heated at the memory. Damn, I wanted to hurry and get back to Clark’s. Jasper cleared his throat, bringing my attention back to him. His arched eyebrow made me want to cover my face in embarrassment.

  “Why was that, Rea?” He was teasing me, trying to break the tension. While I appreciated the effort, there was no way I was telling Jasper why.

  “I could tell you, but I’m sure you’d need electro-shock therapy to wipe the images from your memory.” I winked and smiled, hoping that Jasper would understand I was only half kidding with him.

  “This isn’t funny. I hurt her. And the two of you are cracking jokes. The fuck?” Clark grouched.

  “Geez, Mr. Grumpy. I’m fine. I tapped my head I didn’t get a concussion.”

  “Reagan.”

  “Nolan.”

  Jasper roared with laughter, holding his stomach as he fell back against the chair he’d sat in.

  I stood and faced Clark for the first time since he’d snuck into the room.

  I tried to ignore Jasper’s hilarity and said, “I know it’s not a joke. There is nothing funny about you being in the grips of horrible memories. But I wasn’t hurt. I promise. I was frightened, yes. However, I knew you wouldn’t actually hurt me. I know now not to touch you. Next time I’ll stand across the room and throw something at you so you can’t reach me.
”

  “I’m dangerous, Rea.”

  “You said that before, and I don’t believe you. The second you heard me crying you loosened your grip and woke up. If you were dangerous and were going to hurt me, you could’ve. But you didn’t.”

  “Fuck,” Clark muttered.

  Time to move on. “What’d you get at the store? I’m starving, and you had nothing at your house to eat.”

  “There’s plenty of food in the fridge.”

  “Umm… it’s full of veggies, healthy crap, and yogurt. My body is not a temple, and I require salt, grease, and something fried almost daily.” Clark’s lips twitched just as I’d hoped. “While I fully appreciate that you take physical fitness and healthy eating seriously, my body may go into shock without its outrageously horrible dietary regimen.”

  “I grabbed you some soda and a few bags of chips.”

  “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I thought I was going to have to choke down carrots as a midnight snack.”

  “I can think of better things other than carrots,” Clark muttered under his breath.

  “If you finish that sentence, after I’m done puking I’ll throat punch your ass.” Jasper made a gagging sound.

  “Geez Jasper, get your mind outta the gutter. I’m sure Clark was simply going to remind me that he had celery in the crisper as well. Fewer calories.”

  “No, I wasn’t.” Clark laughed.

  “On that note, I’m going to find my woman. Both of you out.”

  It was my turn to gag. As happy as I was for Jasper and Emily, the last thing I wanted to picture was Jasper and anything remotely close to sex.

  “Gross. I’m leaving.”

  I grabbed my purse and headed for the door.

  “Hey.” I turned back to look at Jasper. “Thanks for helping Em with the wedding.”

  “My pleasure. You found a good one.” I smiled at him.

  “I know I did.”

  He returned the smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I didn’t want him to ever be uncomfortable about telling me how much he loved Emily.

  “I wish Liz were here to meet her, you know she would’ve loved her. She’s perfect for you in every way. But you would’ve been screwed when they ganged up on you.” I laughed, remembering all the practical jokes Liz and I pulled on Jasper. “With the three of us around, you’d never be safe.”