Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  I clenched and unclenched my fist, trying to rein in my temper. “I am NOT a child, Bryant!” I roared at him. “I will do what I want, when I want, including going to Tallahassee — with or without you, and at this point I’m picking the latter of the two options!”

  Bryant stiffened his jaw and grinded his teeth as he drove silently to the barn. He whipped the truck into the barn parking lot, got out of the truck, leaving the keys in the driver’s seat. After slamming the truck door shut, he set off on foot down the road.

  My boots kicked up dust with each stomp of my foot as I entered the barn.

  Leslie came bounding to me, apparently excited to hear about the appointment, but froze dead in her tracks when she saw my expression.

  “Oh God, it’s a boy?”

  I laughed at her attempt at humor and hugged her in appreciation of her trying to break my sour mood.

  “She’s a girl and doesn’t appreciate you joking about her being a boy after having to listen to her parents fight.”

  “Oh no. What happened?” Concern laced her voice.

  I told her about lunch and our ride over. “I think I just broke up with him,” I stated, choking back a sob trying to escape my throat. Luckily, my anger was still an overriding emotion, and I was able to bury the tears. “I refuse to give up my school. He got to choose the education he wanted. It’s not like I’m wanting to leave her behind and live out the whole college experience. I just want a good education so that I am capable of providing for our family too. I’ve seen how my mom struggled working an eight-to-five job as a secretary to make ends meet after my dad walked out.”

  Leslie shrugged. “You and Bryant will figure it out. Come on, let’s get a ride in, and then I’ll feed you and my niece the Mexican you left behind. I know you want your enchiladas now!” She giggled, heading for Beau’s stall while I made the decision to bury my anger the only way I knew how, by riding.

  “You know, Les, I’d be lost without you!” I hollered to her as I tacked up my horse.

  We rode for a while, allowing me time to think, but coming to no real resolution. Bryant’s disappearance wasn’t easing any of my worry or lessening my anger. I brought CZ to a stop to get a sip of water and check my phone and I typed out a quick text.

  R: Where are you? I’m almost done. Am I driving myself home?

  I looked at the phone for a minute and got nothing back. Sticking it back in my pocket, I heard the rumble of thunder right on top of us. Typical Florida weather — sunshine one minute, a monsoon the next.

  “Les, we need to head back. Looks like a storm is rolling in.”

  “Okay, yeah, let me grab my drink, then we can head back.”

  I loosened the reins on CZ and gave him a nudge once Leslie had returned. We had just rounded the corner, seeing the barn, when a bolt of lightning came down right on top of us. In a flash, CZ spooked and jumped one way, my body going the other, and I lost my balance and fell to the ground. In slow motion, I heard Leslie scream as I slammed against the wooden fence line and hit a tree stump, hard. Dazed, I opened my eyes to look at Leslie. She was off Beau and crouched beside me. I mentally assessed my aches and pains. I felt a pull in my stomach and looked down to where Leslie’s eyes had zeroed in to see lots of blood. My world went dark.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Ugh, my body aches. I could hear the beeping of machines and Leslie talking to someone from a distance.

  “Oh my god, that was terrifying. Is she going to be all right?”

  I couldn’t make out the person’s reply before Leslie started sobbing. I tried to move to comfort my friend, but I wasn’t able to make my body move. Forcing my eyes open to look around, I realized I was lying in a hospital bed. What the hell? How did I get here?

  “Grant, I called 911 as soon as I saw the blood. A lightning bolt struck right next to us, and CZ spooked. Rose flew into the fence and then her stomach hit a stump as her head slammed into the ground. As soon as she heard the storm, she tried to get us to go back, but I had to grab my water. It’s all my fault.”

  Leslie continued to sob as I heard who I assumed was Grant shh-ing her to soothe her tears.

  “He won’t answer any calls. They were fighting, and he left her there. I was hoping you guys would find him. He needs to be here with her.”

  Bryant.

  I lay there remembering what had happened on our walk back to the barn. Suddenly a tight pain gripped my stomach, and I reached to clutch it as tears welled in my eyes. The machine beside me beeps louder, signaling my distress.

  Leslie, Grant, and Jordan came rushing in. Jordan took my hand as I death-gripped it, trying to get through the pain.

  “What’s happening?” I looked between the three of them in a panic, and they looked sorrowfully back at me.

  Leslie stepped up beside me as I continued to cling to Jordan’s hand. “Rose, do you remember what happened?” she asked as she fought back more tears.

  “Yeah, we were on our way back when CZ spooked, and I fell.”

  I continued looking at her, confused, before another pain assaulted me, wrapping around my belly to my back. No, no this can’t be what I think. I looked at Leslie again and shook my head.

  A sob escaped her throat, and Grant wrapped her up in his arms, trying to comfort her as tears threatened to spill out of his eyes as well.

  I looked to Jordan as he held my hand, searching the depths of his eyes for him to deny my biggest fear.

  “Rose, you are in labor. When you fell…” He paused, trying to collect himself.

  I vigorously shook my head no.

  “…there was severe trauma to your abdomen, causing the placenta to detach. They are monitoring you closely, but the blood loss is pretty severe.” The dark red bag behind me caught my attention as I realized I was receiving a blood transfusion.

  The nurse walked in, and I began to cry. She shooed everyone out of the room and then paged the doctor to the room.

  Leslie hugged me, apologizing for what was happening, before Grant led her out of the room. Jordan looked to me, not wanting to leave me alone, so I asked the nurse if he could stay.

  A doctor stepped in and introduced herself as Dr. Summerville. She did a brief examination on me to check my alertness before looking at the vitals the nurse had noted.

  “So, Rose, I’m sorry. There is no easy way to say this, but you are in labor. We have contacted your mom, and she is on her way, but when you arrived, you had lost a substantial amount of blood, and we had to begin a blood transfusion. From what we can tell through ultrasound, you have a moderate abruption that we would classify as a Grade 2. We have attempted to stop your labor, but your body isn’t responding. We’ll have a full medical team in here and are going to try to deliver your baby vaginally, but if your life is put in danger, we will go for a C-section. I’ve got anesthesiology coming in to give you an epidural to help with the pain. So if we have to rush you into the OR, you’ll be ready.”

  She paused, and I assimilated my thoughts, trying to grasp what she’d said to me. She may as well have been speaking a foreign language.

  On command, an anesthesiologist stepped in and did the epidural placement as Dr. Summerville noted it in my chart.

  “But my baby? She isn’t ready to come out. She has to stay in longer. I’m only nineteen weeks,” I choked out, my voice wavering from fear.

  Dr. Summerville shook her head, slumping her shoulders. “Rose, the chances of the baby surviving are very slim. I don’t want to give you false hope. As it is, she is already in distress.”

  A fluid gushed between my legs, and I looked down in panic. My eyes returned to the doctor, and Jordan squeezed my hand tighter.

  The doctor looked to the nurse. “Please notify the NICU team her water has broken.” She looked to me again. “I am so sorry. Are there any questions I can answer for you?”

  I shook my head no in pure shock that my world was crashing down around me.

  She nodded before stepping out of the room. The nurse a
djusted the monitors on my stomach then stepped out.

  I looked to the monitor that showed my baby in distress, trying to fight for her life. A few tears slowly trickled out of my eyes before I completely broke down in a fit of hysterics, crying harder with each contraction.

  Jordan wrapped me in his arms and rocked me back and forth.

  After what felt like hours, I pulled back from him. “Where is Bryant?”

  Jordan’s eyes filled with anger for a moment before he blinked it back. “We haven’t been able find him since he left you at the barn. We’ve all tried calling him. Grant and I even drove around looking for him before coming here. Grant is looking, again, now, but I wanted to be here for you.”

  I nodded in understanding. “Do you know where my phone is?”

  Jordan pulled back and reached into his pocket to retrieve it.

  “Maybe he’ll answer my call,” I offered.

  The phone went straight to voicemail, and his answering machine came over the line. The beep sounded, and I sat there in silence, unsure what to say to his voicemail.

  Jordan took the phone back as I began to weep again. He held me closely to his chest. “We’ve called repeatedly, but his phone has either died or he shut it off.” At the second option, I felt Jordan’s body stiffened. “I just can’t believe he’d leave you there in the first place.”

  I shook my head and started to defend Bryant. “We got in a fight because he wanted me to stay here, and I want to go get my education at FSU. I kind of broke up with him in a way, telling him I was going without him.”

  Jordan looked at me as if he was unsure who deserved his sympathy at that point, but as he pulled me back to him, it seemed he had decided I needed it more. “Don’t defend him, I knew he’d hurt you somehow. And now he’s abandoning you when you need him most,” he mumbled under his breath as another contraction tore through me.

  My mom came in, still dressed in her office clothes and looking distraught.

  Jordan stepped out and gave us a moment.

  Mom looked to where Jordan had just left and back to me with confusion. She rushed to envelop me in a hug.

  “Oh, honey, what can I do for you?”

  I shook my head as the tears threatened to start up all over again.

  “Where is Bryant?”

  With that question, my emotions flooded through me. I was still angry at our fight, sad that he wasn’t here for me, furious he’d fallen off the grid, and concerned because he was unaware what was happening.

  “Leslie told me what happened—” Mom began then stopped as she fell into a fit of hysterics.

  Having her in the room was too much for me. I couldn’t support her when I wanted to fall apart myself.

  “Mom, I can’t do this with you. Can you see if anyone has found Bryant and send Leslie in please?”

  She looked wounded but stepped out as I’d asked. I could hear her speaking to Leslie and Jordan. “Any signs of him?”

  I heard Jordan speak up next. “He answered and told me to screw off before I could get a word out. He sounded drunk, slurring his words. Now his phone is shut off again.”

  I sat there fuming as all my sympathy for Bryant left me. I couldn’t believe that he was being so pigheaded.

  Mom spoke to Leslie next. “Honey, she wants to talk to you.”

  I heard a light tap on the door and started to tell her to come in when another contraction ripped through my abdomen, wrapping around to my back and causing me to let out a scream. Leslie and Jordan rushed to my side, and I grimaced at them as I attempted a reassuring smile. Holy hell, this hurts! The contraction passed, and I looked to Leslie to talk to her about what I’d overheard, knowing as I looked at her eyes the guilt that was suffocating her.

  “Rose, I’m so sorry. I should have moved faster to head back to the barn. You saw the storm clouds rolling in and were ready to head back. This is all my fault.”

  Her last statement resounded in my ears because it was exactly how I felt toward myself. “Les—” I opened my arms to hug her as tears came to my eyes again. “—it’s not your fault.” I could feel her shaking her head in disagreement against my shoulder, so I pushed her back and looked her in the eyes. “No, it is not your fault. Please, don’t do this to yourself.”

  Leslie wiped her eyes and nodded. “I’m sorry, Rose,” she stuttered out and then walked out of the room. It seemed leaving me was the play of the day.

  Another contraction rolled in, and I gripped the handle of the bed as I stared out the window, trying to call on my inner strength to get through the pain.

  Jordan rubbed my back, talking me through the contraction. I was so grateful he was there for me, my personal hero just like he’d always promised.

  The contraction eased off and I could breathe again. I let my thoughts drift to Bryant and wanted to ask Jordan about the conversation, or lack thereof.

  “So, you got ahold of Bryant?”

  I felt him tense up behind me as he let out a sigh. “Yes, he answered, but I wasn’t able to talk to him. He sounded pretty pissed off still, and I think me calling may have just stoked the fire.”

  “Don’t lie — and don’t defend him. He left me there and didn’t even respond to a text I sent him about getting home. I heard you tell my mom what he said and that he’s drunk.”

  I turned to my side, physically and emotionally exhausted as the constant beeping of medical equipment reminded me of the hell I was living in. As my body shuddered, I felt Jordan climb in behind me to hold me silently as I cried.

  “Why are you here?” I choked out.

  He stiffened behind me. “Do you want me to leave?”

  I was silent a moment before I whispered my reply. “No. Please, don’t leave me. I just don’t get why you are so nice — why you are always here for me.”

  I went to roll my body over to face him and bury my tears into his chest, but halfway I felt a sharp pain in my belly. I screamed out as I reached to grab at my stomach. The tears I’d been holding back spilled over.

  Jordan jumped up as the alarms started sounding and nurses and doctors came running in response.

  Dr. Summerville came up to my face, forcing my attention. “Rose, from what I can tell, your placenta has fully separated from your uterine wall. We were hoping to prevent this and let your body labor naturally, but it seems we’ve run out of time. I have to get you to the operating room now to perform a C-section.”

  I shook my head and cried more. “No. She isn’t ready.”

  The nurses surrounding me were going a mile a minute, prepping everything. “We’re ready to roll,” the one beside me said.

  Dr. Summerville nodded her direction. “I’m sorry, but if I don’t get you in there now, I will be risking your life and the chance to have a baby ever again. We have to go.”

  Jordan held my hand tightly, and I clung to him for strength. “Can he come, too?” I asked in desperation.

  The doctor looked at him cautiously and then spoke, “You may come in, but if I tell you to get out, you have to leave immediately, okay?”

  Jordan nodded to her, and then the nurses pushed me and my bed out the door.

  The operating room felt like a controlled chaos. Everyone was moving so quickly to prep me, hanging medicine and a new bag of blood and platelets. Jordan walked in with the blue sterile scrubs on, and the nurse pointed him toward a seat by my head.

  I closed my eyes, willing myself to wake up from the nightmare, when I felt him take my hand that was strapped to the table. His eyes were filled with terror and pity in that moment, but he managed to push it away, becoming my support system again.

  “Okay, Rose, we’re going to start. You may feel a little pressure,” Dr. Summerville called out to me.

  I nodded as more tears spilled out. Jordan wiped them away with his other hand. I could hear the doctor speaking to the medical team and knew my baby girl was coming into the world soon. The surgical team went quiet as Dr. Summerville delivered my angel into the world, and they
handed her to the NICU team that was here.

  Mentally, I registered that she wasn’t crying, but I think I knew she wouldn’t. I knew where this was leading, and I tried to shut down my emotions and heart as it shattered into a million pieces I would never be able to repair.

  The doctors examined her briefly before I heard them call time of death when it was determined there was nothing to be done.

  I felt my body tremble. I watched everyone move around me and do their jobs as I lay their helpless. My little girl was an angel, truly.

  The nurse wiped her eyes and bundled her in a pink blanket. She brought her over to me and tilted her so I could see her. “Rose, honey… meet your precious angel. Just nod when you want me to go lay her down.”

  Another nurse unstrapped my arm, freeing my hand to allow me to reach out to her. She was the size of my hand, so incredibly tiny and swallowed up by the blanket. I closed my eyes, nodding for them to go lay her in the bassinet so she could rest in peace. I began to build up a wall.

  Jordan touched my hand again, but I moved it to dismiss the action. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I wanted to die and be with my little girl. Why would God do this to me?

  Dr. Summerville sutured me up, and they wheeled me to a recovery room in the ICU. Jordan walked with us until we met up with my mom, Leslie, and Grant.

  They looked to me, and I shook my head, trying to let them know I just wanted to be alone. As Mom reached out toward me, I closed my eyes and turned away from her.

  The nurse told them to give me some time to rest before coming to visit. Then she checked my vitals, and I heard Jordan speaking to them all.

  “They had to move fast. There was so much blood. The baby’s heart stopped beating before they had even wheeled her out of the room. She was so little.”

  “Oh my God, poor Rose.” Leslie gasped.

  I could hear everyone cry, and I tried to tune it out, sinking further into the black hole I was in.

  The nurse administered some morphine to help with the pain and gave me her condolences before leaving the room and shutting the door.