Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep, hoping to never wake up.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I woke up disorientated in the darkness of the room. As I rolled to my back to look around, I felt the soreness in my abdomen and reached to feel the bandaging from where my little girl had been stolen. I shuddered as the tears and emotions swept over me. I felt a touch and saw movement in the chair to my right as his voice caressed me in soothing tones.

  “Rose, are you okay? Do you need me to get a nurse?”

  I shook my head, leaning into Jordan’s hand.

  Still no Bryant. He abandoned me.

  “What time is it?” I inquired; trying to get my bearings on how much of the day was gone.

  “It’s eight o’clock at night,” he quickly replied, reaching out toward my hand

  I let him take it this time, hoping to ground myself awake as I felt the sleep try to take hold of me again.

  A knock sounded at the door, and a short plump nurse with short brunette hair walked in. “Oh good, you’re awake. I’m your nurse, Sarah. How are you feeling, honey?” her calming voice said as the smell of lavender followed her.

  I mentally assessed my body from head to toe. “I’m sore,” I decided.

  “Well, you’re due for another dose of meds to help with that, so I’ll go get those after I take your vitals.”

  She checked my surgical site and then my blood pressure, heart and respiration rates, and temperature. She stepped out a moment then came back with a syringe of medicine. First, she checked the IV my right arm, which was still pushing blood and platelets in.

  Then she moved to check my left arm before injecting the medicine. “She needs to rest, now,” Sarah sternly said toward Jordan, and he nodded his head.

  I tried to close my eyes, but my brain was fighting against the effects of the morphine, trying to process everything that had happened.

  “Was it today?” I tried to ask the questions sprinting through my brain before I succumbed to sleep.

  “Was what today?” Jordan asked, confused by my line of questioning.

  “The fall, my baby.” I cried as the thoughts of my little girl all alone and gone flooded my memory.

  Jordan moved to sit beside me on the hospital bed then pulled me into his arms and held me. “Yes, it was today. The day of your life that I wish I could go back and save you from.”

  I quivered in his arms, and he held me tighter.

  “I don’t understand. Why did He take her from me? Why didn’t He take me, too? She is so little and all alone. Who will hold her? I want to go, too. I should be with her!”

  I began to sob uncontrollably, but as the meds kicked in, I felt sleep begin to take over. Jordan tried to soothe me with words I could barely hear.

  I woke again a bit later and could tell it was the middle of the night by the darkness and quiet in the halls. My hand was being held tightly, and I wanted to turn to see if Jordan was getting some sleep after being there for me all day. I squeezed his fingers and rolled toward him.

  He jumped to his feet. “Oh my God, Rose, are you okay? I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

  He began to sob as I stared at a defeated-looking Bryant. He had bloodshot eyes as if he’d been crying a while. His hair was standing on end, like he had run his hands through it and pulled on it for hours. For a moment, I felt bad for him as I looked at his condition. But then what he’d done and said sank in to my mind.

  “Get out!” I yelled, remembering how I’d spent the day alone because he’d chosen to ignore our calls.

  “Rose…” He stepped closer to try to hold me.

  I cringed at the thought of him touching me. “No, Bryant. I don’t want to hear a single word from you. What did you say to Jordan? Screw off!”

  Bryant looked like someone had just punched him in the gut, but I was so hurt, so heartbroken, I didn’t even care.

  “That is exactly what you can do, Bryant, Screw off! You abandoned our little girl and me. I laid here in a hospital bed, terrified and heartbroken, helplessly in labor, knowing our little girl was dying. I got wheeled to an OR and had to feel them rip my heart from my belly as they delivered our little girl. You know who held my hand, Bryant? Jordan! Just like he’d said. You hurt me and he saved me. I just wish I would have listened from the start and spared myself all of this misery.”

  Bryant winced before stepping closer. He tried to hold me, but I balled my fist and beat into his chest with all the rage I had.

  “Rose, I’m so sorry. I… I… I didn’t know. I thought they were calling to lecture me about you and Tallahassee and our fight.” Bryant tried to justify his actions.

  That memory just spurred me back into anger. “No! They weren’t calling about my education that you snubbed. Maybe you should have listened to a voicemail or read a text when three people were telling you it was an emergency and to call!”

  I felt the steam pouring from my ears as I fought back tears, choosing the anger over the pain in my heart.

  “I just didn’t want to deal with our fight, so I ignored them,” Bryant stuttered out.

  But the damage was done, and the scar had already been left on my heart. I pushed him away and rolled in pain to push the nurses’ call button. I planned to kill two birds with one very large stone. I knew what I was about to do would hurt him.

  The new nurse quickly came bustling in to check on me. She looked at Bryant and me, seeing that we were visibly distraught.

  “Sir, you cannot be upsetting her. She is dealing with enough on her own.”

  Bryant gaped at her and, before he could form words and say something, I beat him to it. “He was just leaving.”

  “No — no, I’m not.”

  He speaks!

  The nurse looked at me as she took my vitals. “You look like you’re in discomfort. Do you want some more medicine?”

  I nodded to her. “Yes, please; and can you see him out? He is not allowed in my room again.”

  Bryant looked like he wanted to protest, but I stopped him short. “He is my daughter’s father, and he probably wants to say his good-byes,” I choked out.

  “Rose, I’m not leaving you. I love you. You need me.”

  “No, Bryant, I loved you and needed you yesterday. You weren’t here, though. Jordan was. Yesterday I loved you. Today you’re just the guy who destroyed me!”

  With that final blow, Bryant began uncontrollably crying as the nurse ushered him out of the room.

  ****

  The sunlight coming in the room awoke me to a new day. How dare the sun shine today? I looked over to the chair to see Jordan had resumed his post. Dark circles under his eyes showed he’d had little slept. Leslie was next to him and looked startled when I stirred.

  “You’re awake. The nurse just was in to check on you, and you weren’t moving.” She moved to come closer to me, and my eyes drifted back to Jordan. “I made him leave to go shower late last night. You should have seen me dragging him out. I assured him you’d sleep through the night. But when we heard you had a visitor, Jordan was furious with me.”

  Leslie looked off to the side, and I could see her body tense.

  “How are you doing?”

  I thought to myself a moment then answered honestly. “Hoping I wake up from the nightmare. My heart is in pieces on the floor, Les. Irreparable pieces. I don’t know what to do or how to move on from this.”

  “They have to speak with you, about what to do,” she whispered to me.

  Confused, I looked to her as Jordan awoke, his eyes going straight to mine to assess my mood. He reached out, and I took his hand in mine, feeling the relief and support he willingly gave.

  “Did Bryant go see her?” I curiously asked to nobody in particular.

  Leslie shook her head. “No. He told the nurse he couldn’t handle it and just had to get out of here.”

  Coward. I wanted to get out of here, but I didn’t have the same freedom. I would never be free.

  “Grant said he is at the bar drowning himself in J
ack,” Jordan said, shaking his head in disgust.

  Leslie’s phone buzzed in her pocket, and she excused herself from the room.

  Jordan leaned in toward me and gently pulled me closer to the edge of the bed. He rested his forehead on mine. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

  I sighed into him, knowing he was beating himself up. “It’s fine. I was sleeping, and you look in desperate need of that yourself.” I nudged him playfully, trying to feel a drip of happiness in my state of depression.

  “How are you feeling? Can I do anything to help you?” Jordan asked, ready to swoop in like the knight on a white horse he always was.

  I shook my head, trying to block out my emotions pulling me into a state of darkness. I straightened my shoulders and collected myself. “I’m okay, ready to get out of here.”

  “Yeah, I’d imagine you’re tired of hospital food.”

  “No, Jordan.” I shook my head more forcefully. “I’m ready to move away and be done with Tampa.”

  He sighed.

  I knew my sadness within was taking over and that I was trying to put a Band-Aid on a wound that needed stitches. It was irreparable.

  “Rose, you’ll never forget. She’s always going to be right here.” He placed his hand over my heart as I began to cry then pulled me into him.

  I cried myself to sleep for the millionth time.

  A week later, I was loaded into a wheelchair, ready to be wheeled to my mom’s car. I had a few personal items with me and held a small pink box the nurses had made up as a memorial for my little girl. Inside the box was a blanket they had used to bundle her, a tiny hat, a piece of paper with her tiny hand and footprints, and a photo of her looking like she was sleeping peacefully.

  When my first nurse, Sarah, had brought it to me, my body had trembled. I’d been terrified of facing the contents after blocking those emotions as best I could. Jordan and Leslie had been there with me as one-by–one, tears escaped my eyes until I had emptied my body of tears entirely. All I could think was that this wasn’t fair, and I should be leaving with my daughter.

  I’d put on a brave face for everyone so they’d stop asking how I was. Each time someone had asked, it had ripped my heart out again, stomping it to dust even more.

  Jordan was holding my heart in his hands, literally, encapsulated inside a beautiful urn inscribed with the name I’d given her, the only name that would fit an angel. Angelica Marie.

  I couldn’t imagine going through a burial or thinking of her in the dirt all alone. Jordan helped me into the car and loaded my bag into the trunk. My mom looked at me with pain filling her eyes. She squeezed my hand before placing hers back on the steering wheel. Jordan shut the trunk and then headed toward his truck with Leslie holding my little girl for me.

  When we got home, Jordan quickly came up to help me in, grabbing my bag and leading me gently from the car.

  As we headed upstairs, I brushed him off. He and my mom stood by the banister and watched me climb the stairs. I wanted to push her and everyone else further away. I stepped into my room and felt suffocated by the pictures of Bryant and me everywhere. The ultrasound photos were still pinned on the corkboard.

  There was a light knock on the door, and Leslie stepped in with the urn, looking at the ground and then to me. “We weren’t sure where you wanted her to rest.”

  In my arms. Alive!

  I tilted my head toward my desk, and Leslie moved to set her down.

  I stared at the urn as everything I’d held back tore through the wall I’d put up, sending me into a panic attack.

  Leslie ran to me first. I could hear someone pounding up the steps as I screamed out in agony.

  Jordan appeared before me, bracing his hands on my shoulders and giving me a gentle shake.

  I wiped my face, and my hand came back soaked in tears. I grasped at my chest and my throat, gasping for air as I pushed Jordan off me.

  He quickly approached again, but I balled my fist and beat his chest then clawed him with my nails when he didn’t relent.

  He pulled me to him tighter as I choked up words. “Get me out of here. I can’t be here. I don’t want to be here. I need out. Take me anywhere but here — please!”

  Jordan quickly turned me to the door, nodding to my mother, who was crying in Leslie’s arms.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  I woke up after a drug-induced sleep, disoriented. Where am I? I felt a shuffle of weight beside me as Jordan pulled me in closer to him, holding me to his hips and nuzzling into my neck. The close contact made me feel stable, like he was physically holding me together. I remembered how he had brought me there yesterday after my panic attack in my bedroom. He had called my mom and explained for me how hard it was to be in my room with my memories. Photos of Bryant and me and ultrasound photos of the Angelica — all the memories of happiness had crippled me and brought me to my knees. I shuddered again as Jordan moved, apparently realizing I had woken.

  “How are you feeling today?” he asked me cautiously.

  How am I feeling? If one more person asks that, I swear, I’m jumping off the Sunshine Skyway!

  “I’m fine. This is a safe zone. Once I move to Tallahassee, it’ll be even safer.” I quickly spit out my thoughts before my strength left me, and the tears came.

  Jordan nodded then climbed out of bed, still dressed in yesterday’s clothes. “Well, I’d imagine, thanks to that medicine giving you a full night’s sleep, you’re up for the day. What would you like to do? Staying here moping around is not an option. I’m hopping in the shower. Think about it.”

  He walked toward the hallway and shut the door to what I assumed was the bathroom.

  I heard the spray of water and the faint scent of his bodywash. I sat up for a minute and shuffled my toes in the carpet, trying to decide where I could hide so I could stay here in the apartment. I really had no desire to see people I knew and deal with their fifty-some questions.

  Jordan came out with a towel wrapped around him and looked to me with a raised eyebrow, as if he could read my every thought.

  “You stink. Go shower,” he said, wrinkling his nose at me. When I made no move, he pushed again. “In all seriousness, the water hitting you will help relieve some stress and loosen the tension in your muscles. Did you decide on an activity, or is your fate in my hands?”

  I grunted at him in response.

  “So your future is in my hands. Got it.”

  He snickered at me as I got up and went into the bathroom and turned the water on to a scalding hot temperature. I stripped out of my clothes and stepped into the spray of the showerhead, letting it hit and turn my skin a raw red to match how I felt on the inside. The water beat me, and I grabbed the bodywash to go through the motions of showering. As I brought my hand down to wash my abdomen, I hit my incision site, flooding my brain with memories of the growing bump I’d had a week ago. My body wracking with sobs, I sat down in the tub and brought my knees to my chest. I wrapped my arms around them as the water continued to beat down on me, mingling with the tears on my face. My heart ached so much I felt nothing else. I was numb to it all and prayed God would just take me, unsure how I’d ever survive and move on.

  I must have sat that way too long because I heard a light knock on the door. Go away. I ignored the knock, but that didn’t seem to faze the intruder.

  Jordan opened the door and in a panicked voice called to me.

  Please, go away! My lack of response was interpreted inaccurately, and he opened the curtain to see me a puddle of a mess on the shower floor.

  “Oh, Rose!” He stepped into the water spray, fully clothed. “Holy shit! This is hot!”

  After he adjusted the temperature to a bit cooler, he pulled me up into his body and cradled me like a wounded bird. “I got it! You need to get away, and I need to go sign the lease on my apartment. Road trip to Tallahassee!”

  I pulled away, warily looking at him.

  “Nope, no arguing. You said Tallahassee was a safe zone, and you’re moving
there in a week. It’ll be good for you, too! I’m signing the lease and getting the keys, so we’ll take an air mattress and stay there and drive back tomorrow.”

  With no apparent argument from me, he pulled me from the shower, turned the water off, and wrapped me with a fluffy blue towel that smelled like fabric softener.

  I dressed in a pair of his sweats and t-shirt quickly; then we headed over to my house to grab a bag of clothes that fit a bit better. I pulled in a deep breath, hoping to brace myself for the pain I knew was inevitable stepping in there.

  Jordan reached over and gave my hand a squeeze.

  “Wait here, please. I’ll be right back.” I opened the truck door at the same time my mom opened the front door. She stepped out with her arms wrapped around her. I realized, looking at her, how much I’d put her through these last few years and wanted to be strong for her. I joined her at the door, and she hugged me tightly to her.

  “Mom, I’m going to be okay,” I said to her in a reassuring voice.

  “Oh, Rose, I know you will. I just don’t get why God feels the need to test your strength so much. You have grown into an amazing woman despite the challenges.” She pulled me back to survey me as if to validate that I had matured and grown before her very eyes.

  “I need to grab some clothes. I’m going with Jordan to Tallahassee to sign his lease and get familiar with the area,” I told her, rather than asking. I couldn’t handle sleeping here or chance staying for too long.

  She nodded to me, apparently understanding the pain each moment in that house held. “Bryant came by,” she began, watching me closely to gauge my reaction to the news.

  I shook my head, holding up my hand to stop her. “That chapter is closed. The damage is irreparable. I love him, but it’s too much. I’m going to go grab a bag so we can get on the road. We’ve got a four-hour drive ahead of us.” I stepped around her and headed to my room.

  When I opened the door, I felt suffocated as the choking feeling came over me. Quickly, I grabbed my duffle and threw in the clothes I could get the quickest, praying I could piece an outfit or two together. Needing to escape, I put on a pair of shorts and a tank top for the drive. I took one last look at my childhood room and the urn now sitting on my desk. I whispered an “I love you” before walking out and closing the door.