Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  Back at the front doorway, my mom stood chewing her bottom lip, apparently mulling something over. I wanted so much to just get in the truck and leave.

  “Rose, maybe you should stay here and go to school. You can’t just run away from it all…”

  I held up my hand to stop her from continuing her desperate plea. “Mom. Don’t. Just don’t. I need space. I need to escape all of this,” I said, waving my hand through the air.

  “You’re so much like your father — fleeting thoughts and running from the problems. I know you’re hurting, but you are only thinking of yourself. What about me? What about Bryant? We are all hurting, Rose. We need to stick together,” she bit angrily at me with her second line of defense, anger and guilt.

  “First off, I am nothing like my father!” I screamed. “Don’t you dare accuse me of being like him. What about Bryant? Where was he? Where was he when I lay in that bed in pain, laboring? Why was Jordan’s hand the only thing I had to cling to? It would appear, if anything, I am just like you, picking a piece-of-shit guy who is only there for the good times, as long as I fall in line with his plans in life. Hell, you even pushed me to date Daren when my gut told me to be wary! But I’m done. I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back to this God-forsaken place. My heart and soul have been ripped to shreds here, and once again, you have turned each event around to a tragic event in your life! What about me?” Tears burned the back of my throat as I spewed angrily all the pain of the last few years.

  Jordan wrapped his arms around me and ushered me into the truck as my mom stared ahead with empty eyes. He backed out, and I grabbed my phone to send a quick text to Leslie.

  R: Hey — have to get out of here. Heading to Tallahassee with J. Are we ready to move? I realize I’ve been totally out of it.

  My phone quickly beeped with a response.

  L: Wish I’d have known. I was on my way over to check on you. I would have tagged along! Not much to dorm living from what I’ve read online. Just pack our stuff and load up your truck. We can check in as early as Friday.

  That was a relief. I let a bit of excitement seep into me at the idea of leaving behind all the bad memories and starting over.

  Jordan must have noticed me relax because he looked to me with a small smile before asking, “Excited?”

  Appreciative that he wasn’t dredging up the talk-show drama he’d just witnessed, I answered, “You know I am. Leslie says we can check into dorms on Friday, and I think we’ll drive up as soon as possible. I feel like the sooner I get there the sooner I can breathe again.” I smiled my first real smile since that horrible day and felt happiness ease in.

  We arrived in Tallahassee in no time and went by Jordan’s apartment first. It was a nice one-bedroom apartment with a lot of amenities on site. He had decided he needed his privacy in order to focus on his studies more and maintain a high GPA. We drove over to the campus, and Jordan showed me the dorms and the little bit he’d become acquainted with on the map he’d received in orientation.

  Probably should look at my packet.

  Jordan had asked the girl in his leasing office where a popular spot for dinner was. She’d listed off a few places. We ended up at a sushi restaurant and shared a few specialty rolls.

  The next day we were driving back home filled with excitement for life at FSU. Jordan had bought me a garnet-colored tank with the Seminole mascot on it, and I was wearing it proudly, eager for Tallahassee to become my everyday reality.

  The night before, I’d thought a lot about Angelica. I decided — for her — I needed to lock up the grief and despair in my heart and pour myself into my studies. Her death wouldn’t be in vain.

  I thought about Bryant, but it was all still too hard to deal with. I felt so much anger and rage that he’d abandoned me that day. He had expected me to give up my dreams after having had the time to pursue his. And then when I’d needed him most, he hadn’t been there.

  We pulled up to Grant and Jordan’s apartment, exhausted. I walked right in and flopped down on the couch. Leslie was there, and I told her all about the campus and the sushi restaurant we’d be eating at a lot. I’d asked her to grab my packet from my house, so we sat their memorizing the information and our class schedules. Grant ordered pizza, and we all stayed up late into the night, dreaming about the next four years.

  ****

  Exhausted, I climbed into Jordan’s bed and snuggled under the covers. I heard him come in the room, letting some light peek in from the hall. He sat on the edge of the bed, and I felt it dip to his weight.

  “So, I take it you’re staying here tonight?” He chuckled as he asked the obvious.

  I nodded, closing my eyes, thinking the conversation was a moot point.

  “You know I’m leaving the day after tomorrow.”

  My eyes sprung open in alarm. What? Leaving. What about me! “You’re… you’re leaving me, too?”

  He shook his head forcefully as he furrowed his eyebrows at me. “Rose, no. I’m moving to the same place as you, but I have to leave Wednesday. My study groups begin before classes do. You can come with me if you want.”

  Get out of Tampa? Yes! “I have to ask Leslie when I get up. I mean, I know it’s only two days sooner. But I’ve been so out of it, I’m not sure we’re ready.”

  “We’ll pack you girls up tomorrow. Talk to Leslie. If you girls are ready, I can help you move. If not, we’ll do dinner Friday.”

  Sensing the anxiety rise inside me, Jordan continued, “You’re welcomed to stay here. I can’t imagine Grant would mind.”

  I nodded in response as I rolled away to collect myself and prevent Jordan from seeing the fear in my eyes. All I wanted to do was run.

  Jordan let me be, shutting the door behind him as he rejoined Leslie and Grant.

  Almost asleep, I heard a heavy-handed knock pounding on the apartment door. I sat up quickly as I heard Bryant’s voice out in the living room and began to tremble. I wasn’t ready to deal with him — not ready to say goodbye.

  I could hear his shoes clomping down the hall to Jordan’s room, then Jordan’s voice trying to sink a warning into his brain.

  “She doesn’t want to see you. She’s asleep anyway. Bryant! She isn’t ready. You can’t force her to be ready to fight these demons,” he pleaded.

  “Fuck you, Jordan. I mean, I know you said you’d step in when I screwed up, but really, this fast? Some friend you are.” Bryant snarled at him, and I heard what I imagined was Jordan being shoved into the wall.

  I jumped up and locked the doorknob, hearing the click loudly in my ears.

  Bryant jiggled the handle roughly.

  “Rose. I take it you’re not asleep. Open the door, honey, we need to talk.”

  I shook my head, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. I slid my back down the door until I was sitting in front of it and brought my knees to my chest to cradle myself.

  Bryant continued shaking the doorknob, apparently trying to either open the door or break it off. I heard Jordan shuffle himself in the line of fire, and I cringed, imagining the look on both of their faces.

  “She obviously doesn’t want to see you. Now stop before you take my door off the hinges, and I’m responsible for the damages days before moving,” Jordan calmly said to Bryant.

  “You know what? Whatever! Have fun with her. I know I did,” Bryant sneered.

  I heard the crunching sound of what I could only assume was Jordan’s fist coming in contact with Bryant, quickly and efficiently, in retaliation for his remark.

  “How dare you! You son of a bitch! You’re angry — and I get that — but you abandoned her! How do you expect her to react?”

  I got to my feet and cracked the door open, holding back tears that I knew would fall as soon as I allowed them.

  Bryant and Jordan looked to me, apparently waiting for me to say something.

  I stared at them, seeing the bruise already darkening Bryant’s jawline, confirming my suspicion.

  “You are an ass. I knew it from d
ay one but was blinded by my love for you.”

  “I love you, Rose.” He attempted to move past Jordan, closer to me.

  I held my hand up, knowing another interruption would be my undoing. “I loved you, too.”

  Bryant gasped, probably at the past tense as I had expected.

  I hoped to put the torture to an end. “You need to leave. I need to pack. Jordan is helping Leslie and me move to Tallahassee in two days, and I’d prefer to not see you again.”

  Leslie snuck a look at Jordan, and he just shrugged back.

  “I don’t understand,” Bryant stammered out, stepping toward me and reaching out.

  I pulled my arms in to wrap myself and stepped back, lifting my chin higher with my resolve.

  “Let me make it clear then. Leave. Don’t come back.”

  Bryant turned and strode out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him so forcefully a picture on the wall fell off its hook and smashed to the floor.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Dear Bryant,

  I don’t even know where to begin, or what to say to you, so… I’m writing. When I met you, you took my breath away. I was instantly irresistibly attracted to you. Our connection was undeniable. Ultimately, though, I think it was all too much too fast. We loved each other too deeply, and that was our downfall. We never took the chance to work at our friendship and communication. We avoided the serious talks, too excited with the moment. Hell, that’s how Angelica was created in the first place, a lust-filled moment where neither of us were thinking about the consequences of our actions.

  If we could rewind time, I would do it differently. As much as I loved you, it was too fast. Thinking back, maybe you saying I was too young had been spot on.

  I know you want to talk about that day. I’m so angry with you for attempting to smother my dreams to go to college. I wanted to be a role model for to our daughter, too. You completed school. I knew I’d have to alter my course schedule and do some online or night courses to stay home with her. But you decided that wasn’t enough and got the job here without even talking to me. You made decisions for us by yourself.

  Then after our fight, you left me at the barn. I even texted you as I was wrapping up my workout on CZ, asking where you were and if I was going home alone. I was worried about you, despite my anger, but you couldn’t be bothered to respond.

  After the fall, and waking up in the hospital, I was terrified. All I wanted in that moment was you by my side, but you weren’t there. I cried my eyes out and prayed you’d show up. We all called you relentlessly, and you chalked it up to people caring about our petty fight -- the fight that in the end was inconsequential in relation to the grieving I had to go through alone. Yes, Jordan was there, but he isn’t you. He isn’t the father of our little girl. The final seconds of our daughter’s life in my tummy she didn’t get to feel the warmth of our hands. She didn’t get to hear your soothing voice. As she died — as I died inside — you weren’t there.

  When they took her from me, you weren’t there holding my hand, helping me survive and fight through it. I cannot explain to you how much harder your decision made my pain and grief. Your choice to ignore us all punished who you claim mattered most. You let your selfishness and pettiness take over and didn’t even let Jordan get a word in when he finally got through to you.

  Then you showed up trying to fix things, trying to put a Band-Aid on a wound that needed stitches. Hell, that needed an amputation! You showed up too late to repair things with me then you didn’t even say goodbye to your daughter. You are a coward. I hate you for that. I hate you for not having the courage to see her, when I’d had to go through that entire day alone. You couldn’t be there for me, and you couldn’t be there for her.

  I don’t know if you know, and I’m not sure you deserve to, but I’d like to think you did love us. Her name is Angelica Marie Matthews. I know we didn’t talk about names, but I choose Angelica because she will always be my angel. I gave her your last name because, in the end, you were her father, and if things would have played out differently, if we would’ve taken our time, I think we could have had an amazing family. We could have worked through the typical obstacles people face. This one was just too big for our love to overcome. It breaks my heart. You broke my heart.

  I’m leaving for Tallahassee tomorrow, more determined than ever to achieve my dreams for Angelica. I am moving on, and I hope you can do the same. I wish you the best. I’ll always want the best for you, despite our difference. Goodbye, Bryant

  In memory of our love,

  Rose

  I looked at the tear-soaked page, relieved. Some of the ink blurred by the teardrops. It said what I couldn’t, though. The letter provided the closure I needed before Leslie and I left tomorrow. We had decided to pack up and go with Jordan. I desperately needed to get out of there before Bryant showed up again or the memories worked their way through my wall. I needed a fresh start. I tri-folded the letter and smoothed it out repeatedly, until the creases were engrained in the paper. After I put it in an envelope and sealed it away, I held it to my chest a moment as more tears fell. I sat there a moment, pulling myself back together and replacing the mask I wore, before going out to everyone waiting in the living room.

  When I walked out, they had Chinese food spread across the table, and I sunk into a chair to dive in to some sweet-and-sour chicken. I put my brave face on as everyone excitedly talked about the trip tomorrow and the adventure to come.

  After dinner, Leslie suggested a movie, trying to spend as much awake time with Grant before we left. They had decided to do the long-distance thing until Grant could move up, commuting back and forth in the meantime. Leslie and Grant made it maybe thirty minutes into the movie before the make-out session became a bit too action-packed and we kicked them to Grant’s bedroom.

  Jordan pulled me back into him some more. I leaned my head against his chest as he stroked my arm tenderly with his fingers.

  “You get it all out?”

  I knew he was talking about the letter, but I really didn’t want to go into it, especially with him. “Yeah. Thanks so much for offering to help us move up tomorrow and letting us crash at your place ‘til dorms open. Les and I will cook you dinner Thursday night.”

  I hoped he’d get the message and change the topic. I sat there a moment, pondering my evasiveness. I tensed in fear as I heard him start to speak, thinking he’d push back.

  “I’m here for you… always. Don’t forget that, Rose.” He concluded the conversation, and we returned to watching the movie in a calm quiet.

  At some point during the film, I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I knew Jordan had me cradled in his muscular arms and was carrying me gently to the bed. I opened my eyes and looked up into his as he sat me down on the bedspread.

  I thought about our brief relationship. I could always be so open with Jordan. We communicated well and had a strong foundation as friends — all the things I’d lacked with Bryant.

  Jordan must have taken my stare as more, because the next thing I knew his lips were on mine, gingerly caressing.

  I turned my head away from his, slowly shaking it no, as he planted a gentle kiss on my cheek.

  “I’m sorry. That was too soon. I just got lost in your eyes. You’re like a goddess calling to me. I just hope when you’re ready to move on, you’ll give me a chance.”

  I nodded as Jordan lay down beside me, and I curled up into him. I stared out into the darkness a while, trying to fall back asleep, but my brain was going a mile a minute. I tilted to look toward him. His eyes were closed and his breathing slowed. Fast asleep.

  “I could love you, Jordan,” I whispered. “It would be so easy. You’ve always been the calm in my storm, knew me before I even knew myself. Just give me some time.” I nestled into him further, closing my eyes and beginning to drift to sleep.

  Jordan squeezed me tighter, and then I heard the faint whisper of his voice. “I already love you.”

  The alar
m sounded at six in the morning. I reached over to beat it into silence, wishing for a few more hours of sleep. Jordan’s throaty laugh was in my ear as he shifted my weight off him, disentangling our legs in the process.

  “You were the one who wanted to get up early to finish up and get on the road,” Jordan teased.

  I slugged him in the shoulder before getting up to head for the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair.

  Before long, we were pulling into my driveway to load up my boxes. I stepped into my room and looked around for the last time. Leslie had packed my last boxes, but left out the delicate items that I needed to decide on. I sat at my desk a moment, looking at the photos as a few tears fell down my cheeks. I placed the envelope addressed to Bryant on my desk, leaning it against the urn. I decided that if it was meant for him to read, he’d find it. I didn’t want to go through the drawn-out drama of delivering it to him, or worse yet, to put someone else in the awkward position to do it. I stood up and grabbed the box the nurses had given me, along with an ultrasound photo from earlier that day, and walked out of my room for good.

  I walked down the stairs, and Jordan took the box from me gently so I could say bye to my mom.

  She hugged me tightly to her as she softly cried. “I love you, Rose. I know you’re running away from the pain, but please come visit. Don’t be a stranger.”

  I nodded, knowing deep down I had no intention of returning for a long, long while.

  She looked to Jordan. “You take care of my little girl!”

  He returned her request with a smile. “Of course I will.”

  I hugged my mom once more and told her I loved her and that, if Bryant stopped by, to direct him to my room. Then we headed out to the trucks to get on the road.