Play It Again, SAHM

by Meredith Efken

  This week, we’re all going to practice our Active Listening skills! Now, in case some of you were sleeping during that session of your premarital counseling, here’s a quick review:

  1) Focus on what the other person is saying—even if you disagree. Even if they want to talk about something totally stupid, like quitting counseling or something…try to keep an open mind!

  2) Show empathy by reflecting back their emotions. “Gee, Chad, it IS frustrating how much time and money our sessions are taking. Also, weekly sessions are exhausting, especially after two years without a break.”

  3) Show you have understood by rephrasing their thoughts. “So what I hear you saying is that you want to stop going to counseling.”

  4) Ask open-ended questions: “So if we stop going to counseling, what effect will this have on our marriage and family? How do you propose we move forward in our quest for emotional wholeness if you aren’t willing to go the distance and stay in the game? What sort of effect do you think this will have on MY outlook on life?— You know, any question that does NOT have a “yes” or “no” answer.

  Don’t you think in that scenario, Chad felt like I was really listening to him and engaged in the discussion? THIS is why counseling is so important! We’re learning so many more positive ways of communicating with each other!

  So let’s practice on each other this week. We can “active listen” in our e-mails and with our families. Report back and tell us how you’re doing with it.

  Ready… Set… LISTEN!

  Rosalyn Ebberly

  SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW

  August 24: Did I Hear You Correctly?

  Ah, Rosalyn! Yet another exercise in MISSING THE POINT.

  Zelia

  From: Brenna L

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW

  August 24: Did I Hear You Correctly?

  So what I hear you saying is…you think Rosalyn is missing the point of active listening. That must be very frustrating to you. What things would you have liked to see her do instead?

  Brenna

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW

  August 24: Did I Hear You Correctly?

  Brenna, babe, you are like the teacher’s pet who sits in the front row of class and knows all the answers.

  Z

  From: Brenna L

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW

  August 24: Did I Hear You Correctly?

  No, that’s Phyllis!

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW

  August 24: Did I Hear You Correctly?

  HEY!

  Don’t I wish I was the teacher’s pet! Right now, I am the teacher’s whipping boy…er, girl. I did manage to get a B on my exam. So now if I can just get this final paper done and turned in, I will be supremely relieved.

  But right now I have to run— I am taking Julia to kindergarten. Her first day. She has the pretty dress, the little backpack, a lunch box, and her own parental paparazzi to mark the occasion.

  Phyllis

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Birthday Party update

  This is going from bad to worse, y’all. We thought we had the whole birthday party issue resolved. Ashley was going to have a limo party—she and five of her friends were going to get picked up in a limo, driven around and eventually dropped off at the mall, where Ashley could go buy herself a present, and then the limo would take them to a restaurant for dinner, and then back home where we were going to let them end the evening by watching a movie.

  She was happy. We were happy (though soon-to-be significantly poorer).

  But the child made the mistake of telling her friend about it. And so guess what we got in the mail today from that child?

  Yep, an invitation to her birthday party…a LIMO PARTY.

  Ashley is crushed. She says she won’t go to the party because this other girl “stole her idea” and if she has a limo party of her own now, everyone will call her a copycat even though it was her idea first.

  ARGH! Is this what I get to deal with for the next seven years? She begged me to talk to this girl’s parents and ask them to reconsider. She’s acting for all the world like her life is going to end if she can’t have her limo party.

  I’m off to call the parents. Nothing like a good catfight with another mother.

  Wish me well!

  Veronica

  From: Iona James

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Birthday Party update

  Hello from my world, Veronica,

  When I was eleven, I wanted more than anything to have a horse-riding birthday party. I longed to gallop through a forest glade with the wind in my hair and the warmth and glow of a horse’s back under me—with no one but my best friend Allison beside me.

  I dreamed about that party for months. When it finally arrived, and my parents took Allison and me to the stables, there was no forest glade. There was a riding ring and a grumpy instructor. There was no wind, which was unfortunate because none of my dreams included the smell of horse manure and feed. Allison was so frightened of the horses that she spent the entire party sitting on an overturned feed bucket crying and griping about the smell. And the next day, my muscles were so sore, I could hardly walk.

  The next year, I didn’t dream about a party. My parents planned it a week in advance, and Allison and I camped out in my backyard. We got bit by mosquitoes, and I was still sore the next day. But we ate M&M’s and made s’mores over the stove and shared our secrets late at night. It was the best birthday I ever had.

  I hope Ashley has a wonderful birthday, too.

  Iona

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Birthday Party update

  Uh, Iona, dear, don’t forget that this week we’re working on our active LISTENING. It’s easy sometimes to forget that when we’re listening, we should be focused on what the other person’s problems are, not sharing our own stories.

  I just think it’s an important distinction to remember.

  So for example, what you could have said to Veronica is “So you’re saying that this other family has really hurt your daughter by stealing her idea for a birthday party.” (Reflecting) And then you could say, “Wow, Veronica, I can see how that would be really agonizing for a parent to watch their daughter feel so betrayed by one of their friends.” (Empathy)

  Then Veronica would know that you’ve really heard her.

  Let’s all remember, it’s ACTIVE LISTENING WEEK, okay?

  Rosalyn Ebberly

  SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Birthday Party update

  Thanks, Ros, but I thought Iona’s post was just peachy. In fact, here’s a little ol’ active listening just for Iona, ’cause I appreciate her so much:

  So y’all dreamed forever about your horse party, and then when it came, all y’all got was a grumpy old galoot of an instructor, a blinky friend, and a smelly, plug-ugly nag. That must’ve got you all choked up, sw
eetheart!

  Veronica

  Instant Message

  Pr31Mom: You aren’t supposed to do your Texas shtick anymore, remember?

  Ronnie_M: And you aren’t supposed to do your “I’m the nightmare you’d get if you crossed Donna Reed with Napoleon Bonaparte” shtick anymore, either! I figure you asked for it.

  Pr31Mom: I wasn’t that bad!

  Ronnie_M: A string of pearls around your neck and a bicorn hat are all that you were missing, darlin’.

  Pr31Mom: I just really wanted them to take the whole active listening thing seriously.

  Ronnie_M: You know, dear sis, sometimes the loudest way to speak is through actions. Maybe if you just model it, they’ll get the message. We do listen to you, even if not always actively.

  Pr31Mom: Really?

  Ronnie_M: Yeah. So you can stop yelling already.

  Pr31Mom: Sometimes you are weirdly sensible.

  Ronnie_M: Well, we all have our faults.

  From: Iona James

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Wounded

  My fellow Eggs, and Her Eminence, the Ham,

  Are posts like Rosalyn’s the reason you have your own little subgroup? That hurt! And as much as I take pleasure from the inspirations my own emotional pain brings me, I honestly wasn’t in the mood for these sort of jabs today. The Angel Child has an ear infection, and there’s been nothing but his screaming here today. He was so loud that the tea shop manager called up here to see if we were all right. And she casually mentioned that the noise was disturbing her customers.

  It was probably mean of me, but I told her that this should give her a good opportunity, then, to promote her chamomile-lavender tea to calm their nerves.

  She hung up on me.

  Iona James

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: Wounded

  Hey you eggie Tea-Babe,

  Love your snark to the tea shop manager! Sorry to hear your Angel Child has an ear infection. Those are the worst.

  And absolutely— Rosalyn is the main reason we ended up with this loop. We’re like refugees, banding together for support and comfort while trying to survive in her world of cruelty.

  Although… Ms. Depressed-Cuz-She-Has-A-Housekeeper has recently decided we shouldn’t say bad things about our dearest loop mod, so I’d better cut it short here. But I am sorry she hurt your feelings. Her sister made up for it, though, don’t you think? Veronica is all right. I’d say she’d be a great addition to our merry little band, except that some of our Ros-inspired angst might be a bit awkward for her.

  Channel your pique into a poem, okeydokey, chica? And be thankful it wasn’t worse!

  Hugs,

  Z (though the title “Her Eminence” was brilliant)

  From: Iona James

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Zelia and Rosalyn?

  Greetings Phyllis,

  I hope you don’t mind my e-mailing you with a personal concern. But I thought since you’re a pastor’s wife, you are probably used to dealing with sensitive personal matters, and could be counted on for wisdom and discretion.

  I just read Zelia’s response to the post I sent you and the other Green Eggs and Ham group. She’s always so amusing and fun to read, but I think I detect an edge of bitterness in her words. This has me quite concerned. Honestly, I don’t mind venting with you all, but I’m not a mean-spirited sort of person. And if your group spends all its time talking badly about someone—even Rosalyn— I don’t think I want to be part of it.

  Can you illuminate this situation for me? I’m not asking you to betray any confidences, but I need to know whether or not this is something I want to be part of. Zelia’s e-mail made me uncomfortable. I certainly don’t hate Rosalyn. I just feel that her way of dealing with people can sometimes be hurtful.

  Advice or insight, please?

  Thank you, and many blessings,

  Iona James

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: Iona James

  Subject: Re: Zelia and Rosalyn?

  Hi Iona,

  It was perfectly fine for you to e-mail me about this. I think that any of our group would have been equally discreet and understanding. There’s nothing about full-time ministry (by profession or by marriage) that gives a person an edge in the wisdom department! Trust me— I have personal proof this is true.

  But I would love to help you understand about Zelia. Our little group is definitely NOT about bashing anyone. In fact, until last year, Zelia herself would have been the first to say that we actually care a lot about Rosalyn. Certainly, she’s frustrating, but there was no “mean-spiritedness” or “bitterness” as you noted. And most of our chatter wasn’t even about her—still is not.

  Zelia was one of the first SAHM I Am loop members. She’s known Rosalyn a very long time and has stuck with her and the loop through a lot of Rosalyn’s shenanigans. They’ve had an odd sort of friendship—equal mix of frustration and admiration, I think.

  But all that changed last year. You may have heard about the Christmas adventures she and her husband had that year. She thought Chad was having an affair, but in reality, he was working against her “Boycott Christmas” campaign in their town. She let Veronica send a private investigator to shadow Chad. Then Veronica showed up, too, and went into labor at a restaurant, right in the middle of the big fight between Rosalyn, Chad and the P.I.

  They got things patched up after that, but Rosalyn’s family and marriage were so broken that the whole family has been in counseling since. I don’t know if you’re familiar with how emotional and psychological problems work, but it’s usually the case that things have to get worse before they get better.

  The counseling brought up many painful issues in Rosalyn’s life, and that spring, some of her personal problems spilled over to the loop. She said some very spiteful, hurtful things to Zelia about Z’s adopted kids and her ability to parent them. It caused such an uproar that Connie—our loop owner and Rosalyn’s best friend—had to remove Rosalyn from the loop for a year. She was only allowed to come back this June.

  Zelia has let herself get bitter about the whole thing. She won’t forgive Rosalyn, and I have a feeling that the problems with her adopted children just keep that wound open.

  It doesn’t excuse her, but I hope that it will help you have some patience with Zelia. She was never like this before. The attachment troubles with her kids have been killing her, and Rosalyn was more than she could handle.

  Does this help you feel better about our group? Please let me know if you have any other questions. None of this is private, so it’s okay to share it with you.

  Thank you for asking me. I’m honored by your trust.

  Phyllis

  From: Iona James

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Re: Zelia and Rosalyn?

  Dear Phyllis,

  Your e-mail has made me so very thankful to know you and the other Eggs. And the Ham, too. She is extremely blessed to have a friend like you who loves her so much. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend that faithful.

  And yes, your e-mail helps me understand Zelia and have compassion and patience for her. I feel compassion for Rosalyn, too. I wish there was something we could do to help them both.

  Thank you again.

  Iona James

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Just sent my baby off to kindergarten!

  Dear friends,

  I’ve come home from dropping Julia off for her first day of kindergarten. Bennet is still here, but the house feels so empty! I think I am going to cry
—which surprises me greatly because I would not have thought I’d be the sort to get weepy about the first day of school.

  But it’s all I can do to not grab the phone and call the school and see if she’s okay. What if she is scared? What if the other kids are mean to her?

  Or…even worse… WHAT IF I’VE DONE A BAD JOB OF PREPARING HER FOR SCHOOL? Academic failure would likely be harder on me than it would be for her.

  I’ve spent five years wishing for this day, and now I’m miserable! What’s wrong with me?

  Phyllis

  From: Dulcie Huckleberry

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Just sent my baby off to kindergarten!

  Hi Phyllis!

  Don’t worry—you’re totally normal! When MacKenzie went off to school last year, it took me two hours before I could pull out of the parking lot.

  I finally crept inside and asked the secretary if there was anyone who could just peek in on Mac and tell me if she was doing okay. I was certain I’d discover that Mac was hiding in the corner of the room sobbing and nearly wetting her pants.

  The secretary sort of smirked at me—like I wasn’t the first nervous kindergarten mommy she’d ever met. She went personally to check on Mac for me.

  And here’s what she said— Mac was doing centers…some alphabet thing. She was with another little girl, giggling and having the time of her life.

  So then I went home and had a good, long cry…because obviously my baby didn’t need me as much as I still needed her. :)

  So see, Phyllis—both Julia AND you will be just fine. I promise.

  Love,

  Dulcie

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: Dulcie Huckleberry

  Subject: Thanks

  I gave up and called the school and did pretty much what you did with the secretary—asked her if someone could check on Julia. Our secretary was just as good a sport as yours. She told me Julia was in front of the room reading If You Give A Moose A Muffin to the rest of the class, just like we do it at home, complete with the “And what do you suppose will happen next?” shtick that I started with her.