Play It Again, SAHM

by Meredith Efken

  First day at school and already leading the class! That’s MY GIRL! :)

  Phyllis

  From: Dulcie Huckleberry

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Re: Thanks

  LOL! That’s terrific. Kindergarten today, grad school tomorrow. Go get a latte or something—you deserve it!

  Dulcie

  From: Kristina Shaw

  To: Hannah Farrell

  Subject: My class schedule

  Hi from Maine! This is the week I’m staying with Lissa, my friend from the Hawaii trip. We’re having a great time. Just about ready to zip off to a real, live clambake so can’t write too much.

  But I had to tell you— I’m so excited! I get to take zoology this fall. Usually you can’t get into the class until your junior year, but Dr. Talbot recommended they let me in. She’s the professor who coordinated our Hawaii project this summer and she’s fabulous! She’s even going to help me get an internship this next summer—maybe working with whales!

  It’s so weird— I e-mail you about zoology and whales, and you e-mail me about how your boobs hurt from nursing Boaz. I just love him, you know that. But I can’t imagine being a mom already! The whole world feels like it’s mine to explore. I wouldn’t want to be stuck changing diapers just yet. But I know it’s what you’ve always wanted, so I’m glad for you.

  Off to bake clams, or whatever it is they do here…

  Luv ya!

  Krissy

  From: Hannah Farrell

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Advice please

  Hey Phyllis,

  Since you’ve been like all nice to me and everything the last couple of weeks, I thought maybe you could give me some suggestions about what to do with Boaz. I keep trying to get him to stop sucking his thumb, but he tears off the little socks on his hands. He won’t take his binkie, either. I just know he’s going to end up with buck teeth and braces if I don’t get him to quit!

  Hope u r having a good day.

  Hannah

  From: Hannah Farrell

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Forgot

  Sorry to bother you again, but I also meant to ask you if you had any good ideas for how to talk to Bradley about maybe letting me take some classes at our community college. Since you had to go through all that with your husband, I figure you know all the tricks to getting him to give you what you want.

  Thanks,

  Hannah

  From: Marianne Hausten

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Supersonic Hearing

  I was at playgroup this morning, upstairs with the other moms. The kids were playing in the basement. I made a simple remark to the mom sitting next to me.

  “Looks like it’s almost time to get going.”

  I promise you—the mom sitting at the other end of the room didn’t hear me. But soon there was a rumbling on the steps, and Neil stormed into the room.

  “Don’t want get going! No get going!”

  How on EARTH did that child hear that from all the way in the basement? And yet when I tell him time for bed, he acts stone-deaf! This is a truly amazing feat, I tell you. My child has supersonic hearing. He’s like Larry-Boy with suction-cup ears—latching on to the faintest whisper if he thinks it’s something that might have to do with him.

  Anyway, he was going into tantrum mode, so I took him into the kitchen and scolded him for being rude and for whining. Then I told him he had five more minutes to play and get toys put away. Not that he understands time or anything, but it usually helps him get ready to leave so we don’t have as many problems.

  The minute he scampered downstairs, one of the moms said to me, “You know, I don’t think he was really being rude. He’s just a boy, and they’re rough-and-tumble. You don’t want to try to teach him to be too polite—you’ll emasculate him.”

  Another one chimed in with “And you can’t expect boys to be as compliant as girls, either. They’re made to challenge authority and be aggressive. This is your first boy, but you’ll find out really fast that they’re just not like girls.”

  I should have told them I think they’re full of it. But I just hate confronting! So I just nodded and gathered my stuff and my children to leave.

  They’re not right, are they? I haven’t ever raised a boy before. Do I have to let my son be a jerk in order for him to be a “real” guy?

  And speaking of supersonic hearing! They somehow managed to continue their own conversations and listen to my discussion with my child in the kitchen. Then they butted in even though they don’t really know anything about how Brandon and I have decided to raise our kids. I think that took a lot of nerve!

  I just wish I’d had the nerve to say so to them.

  Marianne

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Supersonic Hearing

  Hey Marianne,

  About that supersonic hearing—amazing gift, isn’t it? Comes and goes. Wish Tristan had it sometimes.

  Speaking of, I think your playgroup moms are full of it, too. Tristan is EXTREMELY well-mannered. If he ever tried something like that, I bet his mother would have said something like, “And you, young man…you think someone made you a prince? You think you can snap a finger and stomp your feet and we all come running? I have some news for you—you are nobody’s prince, and if you keep acting in such a way, never will you be, either.” And even though a two-year-old wouldn’t understand all the words, there’d be NO mistaking her meaning. She’s even better at being intimidating than Tristan is!

  There’s nothing remotely effeminate about Tristan, either. (Good heavens, no! *blush*) So I think he’s pretty good proof that you can raise a polite, well-mannered son who is ALL hunky, yummy man. In fact, the manners make him just that much hotter. Oh my, yes, some woman is going to REALLY thank you for that someday.

  Z (who is now wishing it was closer to 6:00 p.m. when Polite Hottie gets home instead of only 11:42 a.m. and time to fix lunch for my own two-year-old son)

  From: Marianne Hausten

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Supersonic Hearing

  Thanks, Z, but I do NOT want to even think about Neil in terms of being anyone’s hottie. EWWWWW!!! He’s my baby!

  Marianne

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Supersonic Hearing

  LOL, Marianne! I understand, babe, but you’re going to wake up someday and find it happened without you even knowing when. Might as well get used to the idea now.

  Z

  Instant Message

  HannieBananie: Hey Phyllis! Did you have a chance to look at my emails yet? I saw you were online, and I thought we could chat.

  PhyllisLorimer is working on the Graduate Paper From Hades.

  HannieBananie: R U trying 2 avoid me? I thought we were going 2 B friends.

  Instant Message

  PhyllisLorimer: Dulcie, could you please IM or email Hannah and explain to her that I HAVE to finish my paper by 5:00 p.m. tomorrow and can’t chat or email right now? I’ve been sort of avoiding her because if I start talking to her I know I won’t get her to leave me alone.

  Dulcet: Tired of your new little buddy already? :)

  PhyllisLorimer: That’s not what I mean. Please help me! I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but she’s asking me for advice and information I don’t have time to give right now. Maybe you can help her with it. I’ll forward the emails to you.

  Dulcet: Why me? She doesn’t even like me!


  PhyllisLorimer: Because she likes all my other friends even less, I’m sure. Besides, you’ll be patient with her. Come on…please? I’ll love you forever.

  Dulcet: That would be a better incentive if it weren’t already the case. :) All right, fine. Send me the emails and I’ll see what I can do.

  PhyllisLorimer: THANK YOU!!!

  From: bellasmom16425870@loopy.com

  To: VIM

  Subject: Bella’s Birthday Party

  Dear Veronica,

  This is Bella’s mom. You left us a voice message a few days ago about Bella’s party. I’m sorry if your daughter felt like Bella “stole” her idea for a birthday party. I’m sure Bella would never do that. Maybe Ashley simply felt envious that Bella had come up with the idea for a limo party and told a little fib about it. You know how girls can be at that age.

  It just so happens that Bella had the idea for a limo party months ago. We had this planned since the beginning of summer. I’m sorry Ashley was disappointed, but that’s how it goes. I suppose she could always have her own limo party for her birthday, but it seems as if that’s not “cool” right now to copy birthday party ideas. Crazy, huh?

  I hope this all won’t keep Ashley from coming to the party. I know Bella has been looking forward to having her come.

  See you soon!

  Jennifer Sanderson

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Birthday Party Update 2— Declaration of War!

  See the attached message from Bella’s mom. That lying, conniving, manipulative little viper! She accused MY daughter of “fibbing”! When Ashley told Bella about her limo party idea, Bella had to ask Ashley what a limo was! Not the sharpest crayon in the box, that child. Absolute nonsense that she “had the idea months ago.”

  Okay, fine. No limo party for Ashley. Who wants to ride around in a boring old limo anyway?

  I’m telling you, this means WAR. Ashley is going to have the mother of all creative, fun birthday parties if I have to take out a second mortgage on our house to do it! Jennifer Sanderson will be wishing she never even thought of pinching our idea by the time we get done with this celebration! Sorry, Iona— I agree with you in principle, but this goes beyond merely the lessons of childhood.

  Off to strategize with Ashley… I’ll let you know what we come up with!

  Veronica

  From: Dulcie Huckleberry

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”; Thomas Huckleberry

  Subject: Why do we do that?

  This thing with Veronica and the birthday parties—is it a psychological response to being shut in the house too long, breathing dirty diaper and baby food fumes? We’ve become the SAHM equivalent to Lord of the Flies. It’s starting to scare me—we’re all a bit mentally imbalanced, ready to attack and eat each other over the most unimportant things.

  So if I start running around wielding a spear, please forgive me. It just means I’ve been stuck on my island a bit too long.

  Dulcie

  From: Dulcie Huckleberry

  To: Hannah Farrell

  Subject: Phyllis sent me

  Hi Hannah,

  Phyllis said you’d had several questions for her. She’s working REALLY hard on a paper for her class—the one with the awful professor—and so she asked me to help you out. I thought maybe you’d like to chat in the chat room this evening? Or whenever you’re available. Just let me know.

  Dulcie

  From: Hannah Farrell

  To: Dulcie Huckleberry

  Subject: Re: Phyllis sent me

  Thanks, Dulcie, but I don’t think I feel all that welcome in the chat room. I think I’ll just wait for Phyllis to get done with her big important paper. My questions about taking care of my child obviously aren’t as high a priority as her education.

  Hannah

  From: Dulcie Huckleberry

  To: P. Lorimer

  Subject: Hannah

  Your little “let’s be friends with Hannah” project? Yeah. Good luck with that. She’s being a big baby. I say let her figure out how to stop sucking her own thumb before she worries about Boaz’s.

  Hope your paper is going well.

  Dulcie

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To:

  Subject: DRAFT email to Chad

  Dear Chad,

  This is my homework assignment for counseling today. Shelley was talking to me about being assertive, instead of aggressive or passive-aggressive. She seems to think I should think about probably need to am going to work on that.

  Of course, it would help I’d rather if you weren’t so I feel that you are dead set on stubbornly determined to being mulish about firmly decided on quitting counseling.

  It’s always about you and your needs. What about what I need?

  I sense that figure suppose understand that you feel this completely unreasonable aversion to actually improving our marriage, and instead are intent on sabotaging every step forward that we’ve made in the last two years just because you despise sitting in Shelley’s office week after week having to admit where you’ve been wrong in our relationship instead of being able to just gripe about all my shortcomings which admittedly I have a lot of tired.

  You always act like I’m I don’t think feel agree that I’m too dependent on Shelley. The thing you don’t seem to get is I’m sorry but Why can’t you understand I have realized that I need her I need help I benefit from our sessions. She’s showing me I’m finally coming to understand things about myself that I never knew for all those years. I’m learning and growing, and hopefully changing if you hadn’t noticed not that you seem to care

  Hang it all.

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW September 7: Being Assertive

  Look up “assertiveness” on Google and figure it out for yourselves. I’m done.

  Rosalyn Ebberly

  SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Frustrated!

  All I wanted was to help pay for my education. That is the only reason I ever applied for a Graduate Teaching Assistant position.

  So now I get told by my beloved advisor that as a GTA, I need to make sure to schedule office hours on either Monday or Wednesday evening, since I have a class on Tuesday and Thursday, and I’m required to offer a certain number of evening hours and Friday is pretty much pointless since no one would come on a Friday night anyway.

  The problem is that Mondays are our “Sabbath” day. Since Sundays really are a workday for any pastoring family, most of us take Mondays as our day off. Jonathan and I decided from the start that Mondays were strictly NOT available for anything but family. We’ve had to bend that a little bit when I have a Monday class. But I’m trying to avoid putting too much on Mondays.

  That leaves Wednesday, which has traditionally been a “family night” at church. I’ve led a women’s Bible study that evening for several years. I tried to explain this to my advisor. I should have saved my breath.

  “You are being employed by the university. I think that your obligations to us far outweigh some ‘women’s Bible study.’”

  She spit that last part out with the same contempt that Bennet spits out lettuce and green beans. I should have known better than to mention exactly what the time conflict involved!

  The worst part is that she’s right. As much as I don’t like it, I do h
ave a contractual obligation to the university. So I chose Wednesday nights.

  When I called our women’s ministry director to tell her, you would have thought I’d announced to her that I was leaving the study in order to pursue employment as a stripper or something.

  “It seems to me that your first obligation is to the church, Phyllis. What do you think Jesus would say about you choosing secular instruction over spiritual instruction?”

  I didn’t tell her what I thought Jesus would say, because I had a feeling my response would have been mostly Phyllis and not so much Jesus.

  Is it too much to ask the warring forces NOT to put me in the middle of their mutual hatefest?

  Phyllis

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: Frustrated!

  Sorry, babe! That stinks. Can Jonathan call off your women’s ministry director for you?

  Z

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Re: Frustrated!

  He probably could if I asked him to. But I don’t want to do that. I know it’s silly of me, but with my advisor digging at me every chance she gets about how we married women (pastors’ wives especially) have no life outside our husband, and are so dependent, etc., etc.…well, I just can’t quite bring myself to prove her even a tiny bit right by asking Jonathan to solve this problem for me.

  It’s a pride issue, I know. And I shouldn’t let her get to me. But sometimes I wonder if maybe she’s right—in some small way. Maybe I do rely too much on him. So I just want to see if I can manage this one myself.

  Phyllis

  From: The Millards

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Retreat

  Hi Loopers!

  Hope you’ve marked your calendars for March 18–21 when we all meet in Colorado Springs to hang out for the weekend! We’ll be getting total costs to you as soon as we can.

  We were thinking… Wouldn’t it be fun if we had just a couple of presentations at the retreat, like little workshops on being a stay-at-home mom? Would you guys be interested in something like that? Nothing complicated or overly structured—we’re still going mainly to spend time together. But since we’re there, and I’m sure we all have a lot of the same questions, we thought why not do a little teaching time if people are interested?