With My Whole Heart

by MariaLisa deMora

  Guilt ripped at her, again, as it had every time she’d seen him over the past weeks. They were forced by circumstances to take it slower than some of the teenagers he taught. Connor had been so understanding it surprised her, but then he explained how his part required abstinence, too. Not for as long as she had to, but it at least gave him an empathy he might not have otherwise had.

  This all meant kissing and touching had been all they’d done. Some good kisses. Really good kisses, she thought, lifting her fingertips to her lips. Scorching hot kisses. She lifted her gaze to meet his again and saw heat there to match her own. Hormones, she told herself for the thousandth time. At least he’s getting the full gamut of emotions from me; there won’t be any surprises down the road. The shots made her moody, and since she was horny too, it had seemed worse this time around.

  “Killin’ me,” he groaned and leaned in, pressing his lips to hers in a hard, closed-mouth kiss. “More water?” She shook her head. “Anything else you want?” You, she thought, and he must have read it in her expression because he groaned again. “Swear, you’d never know what I was doing an hour ago.”

  That made her giggle, which was what the nurse heard when she walked in. “You sound chipper, Miss Grimes. About ready to blow this pop stand?” Detaching from all the medical equipment took a few minutes, as did the paperwork, then Jaime was walking out of the clinic leaning on Connor’s arm.

  Just like a month ago, but at the same time, so very different. So many changes in a month.

  ***

  Connor

  Sitting on the new couch in her new apartment, Connor looked down at the woman sleeping with her head on his leg. One hand tucked under his thigh, she was covered to her shoulders by the blanket Nate had brought her before he headed to bed.

  Finally alone, Connor let himself remember what she’d told him in recovery.

  “I’m falling in love with you.”

  It had felt like his heart had stopped in his chest, and he’d wondered for a moment what the monitors would show if he’d been hooked up to the machines instead of her. “I wanted you to know, honey.” Jaime never used endearments, not with him. She called Nate baby and honey, and bud, but she’d always called him Connor.

  He’d leaned down, getting close, not wanting to ask her anything because this wasn’t fair, him being here and her being medicated gave him an unfair advantage. Holding his breath when her mouth opened again, her pink tongue trailing across the bottom lip. Was she talking to him, or Nate’s dad? She had put any question to rest with her next words. “I’m falling in love with you, Connor Allen Thompson. And I’m scared of how I feel.”

  He’d whispered back to her, “Don’t be scared, Jaime.” After a glance at the monitors to confirm she was still sleeping, he’d confessed, “I’m falling in love with you, too.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Jaime

  “How many?” It was day four, and tomorrow would have her back in the clinic, if there were viable embryos. “How many are there?”

  “We have four,” Marie squealed in her ear. “Four developmentally competent embryos!”

  “That’s fantastic,” Jaime told her, feeling like her smile could split her face. “How many are we going to implant?” This was something that the clinic had talked about a lot. Maybe even too much, as far as she was concerned. If it had been anyone other than Marie and Cooper, she would worry about the chance of having multiples, because the material had so strongly cautioned about the medical dangers. With Marie and Cooper? She wanted this for them enough to warrant the risks. “We going for all four?”

  “No. Not a chance in hell, honey.” Marie’s words were firm. “Two, at the most. We’ll freeze the other two, if we still have four in the morning.”

  “In the morning,” Jaime whispered. “Are we really doing this?”

  Marie’s whisper was just as quiet as she answered, “We’re really doing this.”

  Jaime pulled in a breath, then blew it out. “And this part is like super easy. Yay!”

  “Yay!” Marie laughed, then said, “You haven’t mentioned much about Connor. Is he being nice? I’ll kick his ass if he’s not. I’ve known him a long time, and I can tell you, he’s not always nice.”

  “He’s being super, really.” Jaime angled her chin down, staring at her toes. “It feels surreal. I mean, I’d have met him anyway because of basketball. But to get to know him because of this? I keep waiting for it to feel too weird, but so far it’s stayed just this side of strange.”

  “I’m glad, for both of you.” Jaime laughed, and Marie insisted, “No really. I keep picturing you guys together in my head, and it works. He’s been great through the whole process and is the best uncle my son could ever want. Connor hasn’t had it too easy. When Cole was killed, it was like he went hollow. I mean, there were days when he’d show up at the farm and work, but you knew from the look on his face that if you asked him at the end of the day what he’d done, he couldn’t have told you. I’ve been with Coop since he and I were fifteen, and I got to watch Cole and Con grow up. Those two were like peas in a pod, where you saw one you knew the other wasn’t far behind.

  Marie sighed. “The funeral, he sat and stared at the casket for the longest time. We had the visitation, and there were hundreds of people who had come to pay their respects. Connor didn’t see them. He just…was lost. Not long after that he really threw himself into work. Summer clinics and conditioning camps, he taught all day and then worked with his kids at night. It was often weeks between times we’d see him. Coop missed him. It was like he’d lost both of his little brothers. Then we found out we couldn’t have kids, you know all of that.”

  Jaime murmured softly, “Yeah. I know.”

  “Connor started talking to Coop about all kinds of avenues. Foster care was his first pitch, then he moved on to adoption. He’s the reason we looked seriously at surrogacy. There was a show about it on TV. He came over and set-up a recording on our DVR.” Marie snickered. “I’d never known he was squeamish, but he was over when we were watching it and they were talking about the birth process. He turned white, pale as a sheet.”

  Laughing, Jaime said, “Hard to believe big, strong Connor was floored by that.”

  “Yeah.” Marie paused and sighed. “Tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow,” Jaime responded. “We’re doing this.”

  They said their goodbyes and she disconnected the call, looking around the apartment. Furnished when they moved in, she and Nate had managed to put a tiny stamp of their personalities on the space with pictures on the wall, and favorite blankets folded on the back of the chair and couch. But there were bits of Connor, too. A pair of pants and a shirt she’d laundered yesterday, folded and on the table next to the door, there was a bag of his workout gear in her bedroom. He’d taken and printed a picture of the three of them sitting on a picnic table, eating ice cream, the selfie angled in such a way they all fit, and it was a close-up of their grinning faces. That was on the front of the fridge, held there by four magnets. She sighed, wondering if she liked seeing all of that too much. If this was too much, too fast, but he was always the one pushing for more.

  Her phone buzzed and she glanced down, seeing a text from him. Speak of the devil, she thought, grinning.

  Well?!??

  She texted back a single number, knowing he’d understand. 4

  Awesome!

  Yeah

  You worried? Scared? Connor had been there every step of the way this cycle, but it still felt odd talking to him about things, knowing it would be his sperm that fertilized one of her eggs.

  Not really. This is the easy part. :)

  9am right?

  Yeah. I’ll go there after I get Nate to school. Geez, at this rate she could have called him and they could have talked through things faster. But he was teaching—she glanced at the clock—with only four minutes between gaggles of students in his room.

  See you soon. We’ll talk then. It was like he read her mind and she smiled
again.

  Okay.

  I love you.

  Whoa. That was unexpected, and she had a sudden vision of him shaking his head and cursing the phone, wishing he could take it back. There wasn’t an undo button for text, though, and that one from him hung there in front of her, waiting for a response. Daring her to respond. Too fast. Way too fast.

  Two options. Ignore it, and say she’d see him tomorrow night or the night after, or she could play it off as a joke.

  Decided, she tapped in her response, checked it for errors, and hit send. No emoji, no over the top. Just an acknowledgment of what he’d texted, and a reassurance that if he really was there emotionally, she wasn’t upset or put off by the declaration.

  Awwww. You’re in the fast lane today. I can’t wait to see you.

  She waited, and got no response, but could see he’d read her answer. She glanced at the clock again and realized his class would have already begun. She got up and moved around the apartment, straightening things, then ran downstairs to buy a paper. Once a week she looked through the want ads, hoping there'd be something that would fit her schedule. The bonus would be running out before she would be eligible for a payment from the clinic, and there was no way she’d risk having to move Nate again.

  She was on the phone with an agency, going over their openings when her phone buzzed. After the call, she looked at the screen to see she had a new text from Connor. Opening the app, she read, Cannot wait, gorgeous.

  ***

  “That’s it?” Jaime asked as she smoothed her skirt down over her thighs. This had been more like a normal gynecologist appointment, and after the normal rounds of time consuming checks, she was a little surprised at the quickness of the procedure. “We’re good?”

  “Things look very good, Jaime,” the doctor said, rolling towards her on the stool. Hands on her knees, he looked up at her. “There’s good thickness in your lining, and we transferred the best two of the blastocysts. You’ll have some instructions to review, but we’re all systems go. No baths for a week, keep the stress levels low, and don’t panic if there’s a little light spotting. Now it’s up to the embryos. If they implant, then we’ll see a progression over the next couple of weeks.” He patted her knees reassuringly, and stood, stepping back and helping her down from the table. “Call the office if you have questions. Otherwise, we’ll see you in twelve days. The girls up front will make the appointment for you.” He opened the door, preceding her into the hallway.

  She turned towards the front office, and through the glass window into the waiting room, caught a glimpse of Connor. She slowed, watching as he flipped a page in the magazine in his hands, then angled his neck to look at the door leading to the back rooms. It was just after lunchtime, and he was supposed to be in school. In fact, she wasn’t expecting to see him for a couple of days, because of his schedule and the team’s games. Standing at the counter, she waited on the girl to hand her the appointment card with the day and time of her next visit, when they would do a pregnancy test. He looked up and saw her, a broad smile breaking across his face. “Hi,” he mouthed, and she smiled back at him.

  She opened the door and he was standing in front of her. “Hi,” he repeated, and held out a hand towards the outside entrance. “I’m parked just outside.”

  “Connor, hi.” She saw the nurse was waiting behind her, and politely stepped to one side, moving out of the doorway. “When did you get here? How…I thought you were working?”

  “I was, but I wanted to be here. Wanted to see you.” His hand dropped back to his side, and his shoulders straightened. His expression tightened and he looked tense, as if something was wrong. “I haven’t been here long, but you didn’t answer my text, so I figured you were still in the office.”

  She pulled her phone out and looked, two texts from him. “I was going to call Marie when I got home.”

  “Can I give you a ride? You can call her from the truck.” Now he sounded less certain and she knew it was due to her reaction.

  Jaime pulled in a breath. “Can I start over?” He stared at her a moment, then nodded. “I’m so glad to see you, Connor. I missed you.” A look of relief rushed across his features, and he smiled when she finished with, “Thank you for coming.”

  “My pleasure, Jaime.” He reached out and slipped his hand down her arm, threading his fingers through hers. “You ready to go?”

  “I am.”

  In the truck, he turned towards her apartment while she texted Marie. After a few moments, he asked, “Hungry?”

  Finishing up her text conversation with a reminder that they were now in the two-week window she’d taken to calling the cone of silence, Jaime did a quick calculation of her finances, reluctantly shaking her head. “I’ll eat when I get home, thanks.”

  “So you are hungry?” His tone was playful, and she flashed him a grin as she tucked the phone into her pocket. “What do you want to eat, Jaime?”

  “I’ll just have something at home. I want to hang out on the couch until Nate gets home.” She was turning to look out the window when she caught a glimpse of his expression. He looked almost pissed. “What?”

  “We can pick up something and take it home.” He reached out and captured her hand, resting their clasped hands on the seat between them. “Then you can hit the couch right away. You need to eat.”

  Embarrassed, she turned to stare out her window. “Connor—” she began, but he cut her off.

  “How about I put it this way. I’m hungry, and I feel like having either a bucket of fried chicken or a bag of tacos and burritos. If you were willing to eat something from a drive-up place, which would you prefer? Or—” He squeezed her hand, and she looked at him. “—which would Nate like best?”

  “He’s a chicken kid, no doubt,” she said before she thought, and then grimaced. Untangling her fingers from his, she started digging into her pocket for the little wallet she carried. “I don’t have cash, but we can use my card to pay.”

  He didn’t respond, just turned into the drive and pulled around to the speaker. “Anything Nate won’t eat?”

  “Connor—”

  He cut her off again. “Not happening, Jaime.” Connor flashed her a grin. “Lemme. Please?”

  When they walked into the apartment, she was so exhausted all she wanted to do was curl up in a corner of the couch and sleep. Yawning, she hooked one of the kitchen chairs out from under the table and sat, toeing off her shoes. “I’m just so tired.” He carried the bag to the counter and pulled out plates. As if they did this every day. Would that be so bad? She caught her breath at the thought, then shook her head. Instead of saying anything like that, she asked, “Would you be offended if I napped?”

  “Not a bit of it, Jaime. Why don’t you try to eat a bite before you lie down?” He moved to the refrigerator and opened it, standing for a moment staring inside. “What do you want to drink?”

  “Oh, just water.” Jaime was conscious that the fridge was nearly bare. “I’m going shopping tomorrow. Grocery time.” Laughing nervously, she bent over to pick up her shoes. “Seriously, I can’t remember being this worn-out in a long time.” Carrying her shoes, she put them on the rug next to the door and turned back, making her way across the small living room.

  “You’ve had a lot going on.” He turned from the counter and walked towards the couch, meeting her there and handing over one plate. “Eat up, then we’ll nap.”

  We? Without answering him, she accepted the plate and sat on one end of the couch, propping her elbow and plate on the arm.

  She was halfway through one of the pieces of chicken he’d put on her plate when he spoke. “Are we dating?”

  Swallowing, she nodded. “Yes.”

  “If we’re dating, then what am I?”

  “You’re Connor. What do you mean, what are you?” She was only now conscious of the weight in the room, the air seemed charged. They’d been quiet since sitting down, and she hadn’t realized this was him stewing over something. He seemed tense and sat st
ill, his jaw clenching repeatedly, a muscle in his cheek jumping.

  “If I introduced you to a colleague, what word would I use? My girlfriend?” The words were clipped, harsh as he dropped them into the stilted silence between them. “My friend?”

  That stung. He’d texted that he loved her, hadn’t said the words yet, but she held that text close to her heart, and she didn’t want to be his friend. “Your girlfriend?” Dang. She hadn’t meant to sound so tentative, but that was how it came out.

  “Yeah.” He wasn’t tentative. His words were firm, leaving no room for argument. “My girlfriend. And I’m your man. Your boyfriend. Your partner.”

  “Okay?” Not sure what had prompted this conversation, she was treading carefully.

  “You were surprised I was there today. And then you didn’t want me to drive you home. And you sure didn’t want me paying for a meal.” He turned to look at her, and she saw his brows were drawn together, not in a scowl, but confused looking, hurt at something she’d done. “Is that what you expect from me? To not be there, to not offer to assist, and to expect you to pay my way?”

  “No.” Bending, she placed the plate on the floor and turned to sit sideways on the couch, facing him. “I was surprised because I knew you had to work today. Teaching isn’t factory work. They can’t just call someone in to pull your lever for ten hours a day if you don’t show up. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you there, or didn’t want you to drive me home. I wasn’t expecting to see you is all. And the food?” She shook her head. “I was just going to make a cup of soup or something when I got home. I didn’t think about you being hungry, too. It was after lunch, so if I’d thought about it, I still would have expected you to have already eaten.” She paused, tipping her head to the side to consider his expression, which had gone from pained and stormy, to thoughtful. “I’m sorry if I broke some girlfriend rule. I haven’t done this in a very long time. You’re going to have to cut me some slack sometimes.”