With My Whole Heart

by MariaLisa deMora

  “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I got up this morning and wanted to see you. I got to the school and there was a substitute in the lounge. He was there for another teacher’s morning classes, but I got to thinking he could sub in for me the last two periods. Today was a big day, and I didn’t want you to do it alone.” Chin down, he stared at the plate on his lap. “I worked through lunch to throw together class plans that would make sense to him.” He turned and looked at her, one side of his lips quirking. “I missed you.”

  “Connor.” She paused, again choosing her words carefully. “You realize I’m not a…something to fix, right?” She’d barely avoided the word “problem,” which she thought would probably make him angry. “I’ve been on my own a long time, and I’m used to dealing with things alone.” He opened his mouth and she put him off with a raised palm. “I’m not saying I don’t appreciate all the things you do for me. I do, honey. Like coming to the clinic today. That was incredibly sweet, and it makes me very happy that you want to be there with me. I want you there, too. But, we’re both grown-ups. You said once this wasn’t high school, and you’re right. It’s not. You’ve got a job, and I’ve got a child. I don’t expect you to take off at the drop of a hat, even for things like today.” She smiled, hoping to take any sting out of her words. He’d just called her his girlfriend. “I like it a lot. And I could get used to it, easy. But for right now, every time it happens, it’s still a very pleasant surprise.”

  He sat and stared at her for long moments, his expression unreadable. Long enough she lost her nerve and dropped her eyes, tracing mindless figures on her jeans. Jaime finally whispered her fear, “Did I piss you off?”

  “No,” he answered her gently. “I’m just wondering how I got so lucky to be sitting here. You’re not something to solve, not a puzzle. Except for figuring out how I can manage to spend more time with you and Nate.” Jaime lifted her gaze, staring at his face, watching as his expression softened. “Jaime, I can pretend to go slower, but my insides are outstripping my outsides right now. I don’t have to think…I know. I love you.”

  Her heart stuttered in her chest, a zing of lightning making her fingers tingle. He loves me. She’d been waiting for him to say the words, waiting for him to be certain. As certain as she was. “I love you, too.”

  He set his plate on the table next to the couch and turned back to her, arms out. “Come here.”

  Heart in her throat, she went there.

  ***

  Connor

  Ass to Jaime’s couch, Connor stretched out one leg, then the other, putting his heels on the coffee table. She was asleep on his lap again, this time facing the back of the couch, her shoulders and one arm draped over his thighs. She stirred and murmured as he moved, and he cupped the back of her neck with one hand, stroking slowly up and down, soothing her back to sleep.

  Nate was sitting on the floor at the opposite end of the couch, eyes fixed on the TV where a decades-old movie about superheroes was playing. Jaime had helped quiz him on his homework tonight, while Connor sat at the table with them, nursing a cup of coffee. They’d been quiet for a while, both of them aware she was exhausted and tired, letting her sleep. Nate climbed to his feet, cutting a quick glance at Connor as he scooped his mom’s cell phone off the table.

  “I’ll be back out in a minute, Coach,” he muttered, and headed into his bedroom, closing the door softly.

  That didn’t seem like the kid, he wasn’t furtive, and hadn’t struck Connor as being the kind to sneak around. After a minute he heard murmuring. Thirsty as well as curious, Connor adjusted Jaime, putting a pillow underneath her head. He walked to the kitchen and filled a glass from the faucet, standing and drinking half of it in one go. Where he stood was significantly closer to Nate’s door, and Connor was surprised when he heard Nate raise his voice, the tone firm and angry. “This Marie and Cooper, are they worth this? You think they are, Uncle Jake?” A pause, then, still angry Nate hissed, “This.”

  Another pause and then Nate made a noise, strangled and anguished. “I know you can’t know if she won’t talk to you. But she’s always tired now. And she’s too tired to work, which is stressing her out. Most nights she sits at the kitchen table going over the want ads, writing out a list of places to call the next day. She’s excited about helping these people, but it’s hurting her, Uncle Jake. I hate that.” Another pause, indicating Jacob was talking.

  Connor warred within himself, trying to decide what to do. As with his students, he wanted to get an idea of the context of the statement before he committed himself to a path. With Jaime suffering from the effects of the medications she’d been taking, it wasn’t a leap to understand how Nate could be resentful of the people he saw as the reason for everything.

  “Yes, I see her looking at want ads.” Connor bit back a curse. If Jaime did that in front of Nate, Connor would be surprised. He would expect her to try and hide any anxiety from her son, just as she tried to hide it from him. “She won’t tell me she’s stressed out, no. Of course not, you know Mom.”

  “This apartment is twice as expensive as the last one, Uncle Jake.” The door creaked again, as if Nate had moved to match the frustration in his voice. “And the last time we were supposed to go to the food bank, she had to go to the clinic. Then she was sick. Again. I’m not telling her, but I’m out of money on my lunch ticket. If she knew, she’d want to make my lunch so I didn’t have to eat the free kids’ PBJs. We all have to sit at this one table, so we can’t get in line for the ticketed kids’ food. But we don’t have anything to make a lunch out of in the apartment, and worrying about it would stress her out even more.”

  As he was speaking, Connor’s chin slowly dropped until he was staring at the floor. He hadn’t known things were that tight for Jaime and her son.

  “There was this workbook I needed for labs, but I talked to the teacher, he said I could use one a kid left last semester. So I got that covered, but it’s all marked up, and the kid got nearly everything wrong. I’m not telling her about that, either.” Nate’s voice was louder, and Connor wondered if he should move away from the door. “If I drop out of the high school classes, she wouldn’t have to worry about lab fees and things like that.” Connor swallowed hard, listening to the kid trying to work through things that would be difficult for an adult. “She was stressed before, but we were okay. Now? Uncle Jake, she’s not okay.”

  Another pause, this one shorter, then Nate burst out with, “No! You know she won’t take money from you. And I’m not asking you for money. That’s not why I called.” Now Nate’s voice was soft, wounded. “I just…Uncle Jakey, I don’t have many people to talk to. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Connor shook his head, swallowing hard at the pain in Nate’s voice. “Forget I said anything, okay?”

  Without warning the door opened, and Nate stood in the opening, phone in hand, staring at Connor with a look of dawning horror. The words were nearly soundless when he gasped out the question, “You were listening to me?”

  Connor held up the half-full glass of water. “Came over for a drink. But you weren’t quiet, Nate.”

  “You weren’t supposed to hear.” Nate shook his head, looking down, anger and fear warring on his features. “I’m not asking you for money.”

  “I know you aren’t asking for anything, Nate.” Jaime stirred on the couch, and Connor walked across and quickly reclaimed his place on the couch, shifting her head back to rest on his leg, stroking her cheek with the backs of his fingers, and waiting for her to slowly settle.

  When she did, he looked up, finding Nate still staring at him. “You asked if they were worth it, Coop and Marie. I’m biased because he’s my big brother, but I think they are. I’ve never met a man with a bigger heart. A man who wants to make things better for everyone he meets. When our brother, Cole, died, Coop’s the one who kept me on track. If it weren’t for him, I don’t know where I’d be, honestly. He just kept reminding me, sometimes painfully—” Connor grinned, because he remembered the t
humps on the back of his head. “—that I needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That there would be something better around the bend. That our parents needed me, that he needed me. That I would one day find a woman—” He looked down at Jaime, fingertips trailing across her cheek, then through her hair to the back of her head. “—and make a family.” He looked at Nate, who was staring at him with a guarded expression, one he’d seen before on Jaime’s face, the one that said hope was fragile and fleeting, not to be trusted. I want to change how he feels.

  “That I’d find not just a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but a reason to run. To fly. Cole was my brother, my twin, and we had a special bond. A connection I’ve never felt with anyone else, before your mother, at least. Coop’s the reason I’m sitting here with you. And Marie? She’s a woman made to be a mother. Loves her boy Sam, loves him so much it’ll tear your heart out to watch her with him. Made to be a mother, but doesn’t have that chance on her own. Like I said, I’m biased, but I think that’s worth it. Think they’re worth it.”

  “If something happens to Mom, I don’t have anyone else.” Nate’s face turned red as he said this, and he swallowed again, convulsively, clearly fighting back tears. “Uncle Jacob, of course, but he’s got Uncle Trent. I researched this, Coach. I know everything bad that can happen.”

  “It’s not going to happen to her, buddy.” Connor shook his head. “Not happening.” He reached out a hand and waited, relieved when Nate put his palm in Connor’s grip. “And you’re not alone, Nate. I don’t just love your mother.” He squeezed the boy’s fingers, watching as Nate’s eyes took on a sheen of tears. “I love you, too.”

  “Now, you and me are going to figure out how to make life easier for your mom. You down with that idea?” Nate nodded and Connor grinned.

  ***

  Standing in his office early the next morning, Connor had to wait through three rings of the phone before it was answered with a brusque, “Cafeteria.” Five minutes later he wasn’t any closer to sorting out a solution for Nate’s lunch ticket.

  Nate attended the county school district, while Connor worked in a municipal district further to the east. Frustrated with the runaround he had received from the worker, he finally asked for her supervisor. A short time later he had all the answers he wanted, and information he didn’t know what to do with. To his question of, “If I come in with a check, will you apply that to his balance?” the answer has been a resounding “Yes.” While that was good news, the bit of disturbing information came when the cafeteria manager mentioned to him that there were a dozen other kids without funds for a hot lunch.

  He didn’t know what to do with that. The idea that there were kids who fell into a no-man’s land between poor enough to receive free lunches, and well enough off to not need assistance didn’t sit well with him. Food was such a basic need, and kids were far more vulnerable to the damaging effects of hunger than adults were.

  He got his assistant to cover his morning practice, and then drove across town to Nate’s campus. On his way to the cafeteria, he stopped at Miles’ office, pausing in the open doorway to see his friend bent over the desk, nose nearly touching the notepad he was scribbling on. Glancing up, a quick grin spread over Miles’ face, and he pushed to his feet, hand out for a shake. “Thompson,” he said, “good to see you. What brings you downtown?”

  “Hey, Miles.” A quick grip and release, and Connor leaned one shoulder against the doorframe. “Had some business here. Thought I’d stop in and say hey. While I’ve got you, I have a question for you.”

  “Shoot.” Miles reclaimed his seat, leaning back in the office chair and looking up at Connor.

  “You know the gal I’m dating, Jaime Grimes?” Miles nodded. “Her boy goes to school here. Nate—”

  Miles interrupted him, a surprised expression on his face. “Nathan Grimes, our wonder boy. Yeah, I know him. Good kid. Smart as a whip, he’s confounding everybody. It’s been fun to watch him at basketball. Kid’s a natural at that, too. His mom’s your new squeeze, huh? She must be something special to have wrangled the career bachelor into admitting there’s a relationship.”

  Connor tipped his chin down, studying the floor beyond the toes of his shoes. He’d dated over the years, but never settled into anything serious, and Miles was closer to the mark than Connor found comfortable. “Yeah,” he admitted quietly, “she’s something else.” He glanced up to find Miles looking at him, puzzled. Connor smiled, because being with her, talking about her like this, felt right. “She’s amazing. And Nate? He’s wonderful right alongside her.” Shaking his head, he said, “As nice a topic as my girlfriend is, that’s not why I’m here. Do you know if the teachers ever do a fundraiser for the kids? Like the ones who need financial assistance? I came over to drop some cash on Nate’s lunch ticket, and found out there’s about a dozen kids who are eating PBJs for lunch because they’re out of credit. I was thinking of bringing all of their tickets back to current; maybe paying ahead a little bit.”

  Miles’ hand immediately went to his wallet, and he pulled out several bills and extended the money to Connor. “Here, I’ve paid some of them off before. We’ve got a challenging economic population here. A lot of the kids are on federal assistance, in housing, or should be. Another whole segment live with family, but not their mom or dad. I’ll talk to the office, see if they can let me know when kids are in trouble. We’ve got a backpack food program, but that only helps on the weekends. Some of these kids, their school meals are all they get during the week, and if that well runs dry, they can be up a creek.” Connor leaned over, plucking the money from his grip. “You probably see less of that where you are.” He shrugged. “Nothing against this district, it’s just a fact of life for our kids. I’m glad Nate has someone like you at his back.”

  Returning to his campus, Connor walked through the hallways with a more observant eye. In contrast to where Nate was attending, this building had fresh paint and new flooring, even the demeanor of the kids was different. One of the reasons he had pushed to expand the neighborhood basketball program that Nate was in had been to provide positive resources to kids who went to that school.

  He had already stalked past the door to the library when he slowed and backtracked, peering in the opening to see one of his players hunched over a table. Fists to either side of his head, Jordan was scowling down at the textbook in front of him. “Jordie, what’s up?”

  “Coach.” The kid offered him a tight smile. “Just cramming. I was trying to keep ahead of the schedule but…” Jordan’s voice trailed off, then he sat straight and smoothed his hair back, placing both hands on the table. “Nothing, Coach. I’m good.”

  Connor coughed a word into his fist, not trying to mask his disbelief, “Liar.”

  Jordan’s smile now was more natural, but still tense and anxious. “No, really, Coach. I’m good. It’s just tougher than I expected.”

  Connor reached out and flipped the book over, keeping Jordan’s place with one finger. Shocked, he realized it was one of the books Nate had been working out of last night. An idea started bubbling in his head, and before he could reconsider, he asked Jordan, “You ever consider a tutor?”

  “Not really.” Jordan shook his head. “I’ll get it, Coach. No need for anyone to go out of their way.”

  That was teenaged boy speak for, “I don’t want any of my friends to know I’m struggling.” An idea edged its way into Connor’s mind, and the more he turned it over, the better it sounded. “How about a trade, then?” Connor knew this would work, it had to. It felt too right not to. “You come help on Saturdays with the basketball clinic and I’ll hook you up with someone not at this school who can tutor you for an hour or two.”

  “Coach.” Jordan’s eyes dropped to the book and he reached out to slide it closer to him. “I don’t really have any cash to pay for tutoring.”

  “No cash. This is a trade deal. You help me with the kids, and I get my girlfriend’s son to tutor you.”
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  “Yeah?” The look on Jordan’s face was hopeful and Connor was glad he’d been walking past the library when he had. “That’s…that’d be awesome, Coach.”

  “One thing you need to know about Nate.”

  “Yeah? What’s that?” Jordan slid the book into his bag and shoved his chair back from the table. A quick glance at his watch showed Connor that it was nearly time for the bell to ring.

  “He’s nine.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jaime

  “Good job!” Standing on the gym floor next to the stands, Jaime clapped loudly, her palms stinging. She watched Nate advancing up the court slowly, dribbling the ball with practiced control, eyeing the opposing team. Her head jerked and she grinned when he looked one direction, then threw the ball the other, landing it directly into the hands of a teammate who was within range of the hoop. “Yeah, baby. Do it again!” Jittering from foot to foot, she was waiting for a break in the play to run to the bathroom off the hallway.

  Whistles blew and she whirled, weaving through the other parents who had chosen to stand rather than be sandwiched between a hundred other people in the stands. Play had already started again when she made her way back to the gym, and she saw Nate was on the bench for this period. There were so many kids his age, they were swapping them in and out in an attempt to give each child equal time on the court.

  The anxious look on his face surprised her, and he wasn’t even watching the game, he was scanning the stands. He’s looking for me, she thought, and frowned when his face lit up, knowing that signaled him finding her in the crowd. Hand lifted to her waist, she discretely waved, and then realized she needn’t have worried about embarrassing him, because Nate lifted both hands and waved at her, nearly clocking the kid next to him in the head with an elbow. Grinning, she dipped her chin and shook her head.

  “Kids sure are something, aren’t they?” A man’s voice came from the area of her elbow, and she turned her head to see a tall, good-looking man standing nearby. “Give him another year or two and he won’t be caught dead waving at his beautiful mother.”